Calendar Idea

In my opinion, Easter is the strangest holiday of the year.  It's about a guy who died and then somehow rose from the dead three days later, which isn't something I can relate to.  There's also a huge lead up to it and it can fall anywhere between March 22 and April 25 (using the Gregorian calendar and Western Christianity).  And not many people I know can explain why that is either.  If Christmas is the same day every year, why can't Easter be as well?  Well, for one, Zombie Jesus (all he wants to do is eat your brains) would be pissed if we changed the day of his birth every year.  And for two, the day of Easter is calculated based off of the moon. More specifically, Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox (the first day of spring).  So, you see, Christians worship the moon as well as the son (rimshot).  I promise, that will be the last bad joke in this post (not really).  Enough about religion though.  I came here today to talk about an idea I have for a new calendar.  What's wrong with the current calendar, you ask?  Please read on to find out.

For starters, the number of days in each month is all over the place.  Some months have 31 days, some have 30 days and one has 28 (and sometimes 29) days.  How do you think February feels being the shortest month every year?  I'll tell you how it feels. Like an Asian guy in the locker room at the gym.  The months with 31 and 30 days, we'll call them the black and white months, laugh at the yellow month that is February.  February feels inadequate and less of a month because it's always the shortest.  So, how do we solve February's inferiority complex?  Well, I'm glad you asked.  What I want to do with the calendar can be summed up in one simple phrase.

Separate but Equal (well, almost)

In order to put the calendar in line with my vision, we must separate the months into 28 day segments.  If we divide the number of days in a typical year, 365, by 28 days, we end up with 13 months and a remainder of 1 day.  And since I'm not completely trying to reinvent the wheel here, the number of days in a year will remain the same, which means one month will have an additional day (or two, in the case of a leap year).  Where do we put the extra day(s) though?  Well, you could really pick any month for this, but I'm going to choose December.  It's still the last month of the year in my calendar, and I feel that people need the extra time around the holidays.

I know what a lot of you out there in Internet land are thinking right now.  What about this 13th mystery month and, more importantly, isn't 13 considered to be an unlucky number? Well, I've got you superstitious folks covered here.  In order to combat the perceived unluckiness surrounding the number 13th, we'll call this month Lucky.  And we'll even have a day during this month, on the 13th of course, called Lucky Day.  Lucky Day will be a day where we celebrate all the good fortune we've had the previous year.  It will be a day where even the most unluckiest person in the world can feel lucky.  And, like any other made-up holiday, it will give stores a reason to have a sale.  Lucky Day will boost the moral of the common man and also help stimulate the economy (it's really a win-win situation for everyone).  I'm sure more details will flesh themselves out as the day reaches national prominence, but that's the basic idea behind it.

Okay, now that we've determined the name of the 13th month, and even given it a holiday, when does it occur during the year?  Well, that depends on when you want to get lucky.  Do you like it when you get lucky at the beginning, middle or end?  Personally, I like to shove things in the middle, to make it tight and uncomfortable for everyone involved (wait, what?).  With that in mind, I propose that we put the month of Lucky between June and July.  To me, it's the most logical place for the month.  It will make Lucky the seventh month of the year, and we all know that seven is the luckiest number ever.  This will further wash away the unlucky stink of the new month and help people associate it with glittering unicorns, double rainbows and lucky charms cereal.

I know this new calendar will take some getting used to, especially when you consider that certain days will no longer exist anymore.  I mean, what happens to people who were born on the 29th, 30th and 31st.  When do they celebrate their birthdays now?  And for that matter, since I'm adding a month and changing around the number of days in each month, what happens to all those other important days we celebrate throughout the year?  I have two solutions to address this problem, but I'm not sure which one people will like more (or hate less).  My gut instinct is to allow everyone who celebrates a special occasion on the 1st through the 28th to keep celebrating it on that day, even though you won't technically be celebrating it on the correct day (unless it occurs in January).  You won't be too far off though, around a couple of weeks at most, with the majority being off by less than that.  This doesn't address what to do with the people who have had their days eliminated though, and it isn't very fair to them either, so my other solution is to convert everyone's special occasion to the new corresponding day.  This is fairer to everyone, and a lot less confusing in the long run, so it's the method I prefer.  If you'd like to see when your birthday (or other important day) will occur under my new calendar system, please click on the corresponding months below:

• January, February, March

• April, May, June

• July, August, September

• October, November, December

The advantages of my new calendar system are numerous.  From January through December of every year, each month will start on exactly the same day of the week and each day thereafter will occur on exactly the same day of the week too.  For example, if January starts on a Sunday, December will start on a Sunday as well.  This is because each month has 28 days (except December), so the pattern will last until December 29th.  Once December 29th rolls around (or the 30th on leap years), it will shift the day of the week ahead one day (or two) the following January.  This pattern will then repeat itself every year, until the end of time.

Another advantage concerns the calendars you get or buy every year to keep track of your day to day activities.  You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind with a picture above the layout of each month?  Invariably, every year, your birth month ends up having one of the shittier pictures of the bunch.  Well, under my system, you won't have to put up with shitty pictures any longer!  Just pick your favorite picture, cross out the name of the month beneath it and write your birth month in its place.  It's that simple.  You'll have to do some finagling the rest of the year to complete the calendar, but it's a small price to pay for the picture you deserve.

I am of the opinion that we, as humans, need to get back to our primitive, animalistic roots.  We need to start singing with all the voices of the mountain again.  We need to get back to running the hidden pine trails of the forest.  We need to hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon like we have in the past.  In short, we need to relearn how to paint with all the colors of the wind.  My calendar allows us to do just that because it more closely corresponds with the moon and the female menstrual cycle.  According to my research (yes, I just went Magic School Bus on your ass), the moon and the female menstrual cycles are closely related.  In fact, some women mirror the moon exactly, which takes 29.5 days (on average) to complete its cycle.  With my calendar having twelve 28 day long months (and one month that is either 29 or 30 days), it is much more in tune with these cycles than the current Gregorian calendar.  It allows us to go through a similar cycle each month, which brings us closer to the natural world.  And if that doesn't seal the deal for you, I don't know what will.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading the endless ramblings on my calendar idea.  I know it was a bit incoherent and confusing at times, but you are reading the Diary of a Motor City Madman after all.  Until next time, you stay classy, Detroit.

It's Friday, Friday

Every now and then, you come across a song that is pure lyrical genius.  Rebecca Black's Friday is just such a song.  If you haven't heard it yet, prepare your ears for musical bliss.  If you're currently listening to anything else right now, please be sure to cleanse your ear palate by listening to the ocean (either the song by Led Zeppelin, or the actual ocean, your choice) or something else equally soothing.  Okay, are you ready?  No you're not, but that's okay.  No one is their first time.

Rebecca Black - Friday

It's just one of those things that's so bad, it's good, isn't it?  And after listening to the above masterpiece, I think it's time for another one of my not so famous YouTube video breakdowns.  You do remember my previous breakdown of the Double Rainbow video, don't you?  Yeah, me neither.  Anyway, this breakdown is going to be similar to that, with a lot of the same jokes, only better! Here we go.

The video starts off with what is presumably a brief rundown of Rebecca Black's week.  She studies on Sunday for the test on Monday (makes sense).  She gets more homework on Tuesday.  She has music practice on Wednesday, but who needs practice when you have autotune?  Her essay is due on Thursday.  Finally, it's Friday, it's time to get down and the song officially starts.

She wakes up in the morning at 7 AM.  She's gotta be fresh, meaning she's having problems with vaginal odor, so she goes downstairs (urbandictionary.com will help with some of my lamer jokes).  She's gotta have her bowl, which is most definitely slang for pot.  The pot gives her the munchies, so she has cereal.  She's seeing everything, the time is going and ticking on and on.  To her, everybody's rushing, but I think we all know what's really happening here (pot can have time altering effects on people).  She soon realizes that she's gotta get down to the bus stop to catch her bus.  Although, I don't know why she's at the bus stop when she's clearly waiting for her friends to pick her up.  Maybe she has the hots for the school bus stalking pedophile that you'll hear rap near the end of the video?

She sees her friends kicking in the front seat and sitting in the back seat.  She's gotta make her mind up on a very difficult decision (ah, to be young again).  Which seat can she take?  She clearly has no regard for shotgun rules though.  I mean, seriously?  There's only one seat open, Rebecca, and it's in the back.  Why would you even contemplate which seat to take when there's already someone in the front seat?  Do you really think you're that big of a star?  Well, let me go ahead and explain one of the cardinal rules of shotgun to you, missy, since you obviously aren't familiar with them.  If there's somebody already in the front seat, you shouldn't even consider taking it (unless you also consider blowing the driver, of course).

Anyway, on with the chorus!  It appears to be Friday because she says so twice.  She's gotta get down on Friday.  Everybody's looking forward to the weekend.  I wonder what the reason for that could be?  Oh, here it is.  Partying, partying, yeah!  Partying, partying, yeah!  Fun, fun, fun, fun.  I guess that's the reason why she's looking forward to the weekend.  Mystery solved.

It's 7:45, she's got her whore hoops in and she's driving with her friends on the highway.  They're cruising so fast, she wants time to fly (possibly another drug reference).  Fun, fun, think about fun, she says.  You know what it is, she says.  Oh, I think I know what it is (giggity, giggity).  It's hard to tell how old you are though with all that eyeshadow on.  I got this, you got this, you say?  Your friend is by your right, you say?  Well actually, I'd prefer you and your friend on the left, but my granddad always said that rapers can't be choosers.  I got this, you got this and now I know it.  You'll be kicking in the front seat and I'll be sitting in your back seat, if you know what I mean.  And after I'm done with you, you won't have to make your mind up on which seat to take because it will hurt to sit down for a while....

More chorus!  So it's Friday, Friday.  She's gotta get down on Friday (more like go down, am I right?) .  Everybody's looking froward to the weekend, weekend.  It's Friday, Friday (didn't we already cover this?).  She's getting down on Friday.  Everybody's looking froward to the weekend.  Partying, partying, yeah!  Partying, partying, yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun.  Looking forward to the weekend.  Well, at this point in the video/song, I'm just about ready to have a seizure.  I'm not sure if it's because of the mind numbing lyrics, or the flashing background that comes up next, but I really think that this video should have a seizure warning.

Here's the part of the song where we learn about the other days of the week besides Friday (what's next, her times tables?).  She says that yesterday was Thursday and today it is Friday.  She keeps saying we so excited to emphasis how excited she is.  I guess I can understand that because I was excited when I first learned the days of the week myself.  Before I knew them like clockwork, I had to look up a girl's dress everyday just to be sure what day of the week it was.  And when that girl finally stopped wearing those days of the week underwear, I couldn't rely on that method anymore.  It was still exciting for me though because she forgot to wear underwear on that day.  Anyway, the song goes on to talk about how she's gonna have a ball today (maybe even two, on her chin, if you know what I mean).  She says tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.  She doesn't want this weekend to end.  I think I speak for everyone, however, when I say I desperately want this song to end.

Thankfully, it's almost over because this is where the black pedophile shows up to rap (and rape). He says Rebecca Black's initials and name to establish his street cred with the kids.  He talks about chilling in the front seat and also something about the back seat, which I can only assume is a metaphor for dry anal rap (I'm repeating my jokes, just like this song repeats lyrics!).  He's driving and cruising in the fast lane, switching in and out of lanes.  Basically, he's driving around town, like an asshole, looking for the Jailbait High school bus.  He says there's a car up on his side, so at least he's checking his blind spot. 

He finally finds the school bus, claiming that it was "passing by" in front of him, as if it's some strange coincidence (we all know damn well that he was out there looking for it).  And after referring to said school bus, he says that it makes tick tock wanna scream (I think I read in Rapist Weekly that tick tock is the nickname he gave his penis).  Oh, and in case you weren't paying attention throughout the song, he checks the time just to make sure what day it is.  It's Friday, it's a weekend and he's going to have fun (of the statutory rape variety, no doubt).  His parting words are c'mon y'all, which I suspect is his final warning to everybody on the school bus that he's going to come on them all (although I don't speak Ebonics, so I could be wrong).

I'll spare you the rest of the song because it's more chorus.  Just know that it's Friday and she's gotta get down because she's been looking forward to partying and having fun on the weekend.  That pretty much sums it up.

Well, that's my breakdown of the Rebecca Black song Friday.  I hope you made it through the entire song without attempting to kill yourself.  And if you did, congratulations!  I award you 100 internets and an all expenses paid trip to the mental institute.  You're going to need it, especially if the song gets stuck in your head.

And speaking of getting the song stuck in your head, I'm going to leave you with a few awesome covers of the aforementioned song (and also an orchestral version).  These tributes to what is, quite possibly, the worst song in the world really turn shit into gold.  Enjoy!

Cover by Matt Mulholland - The Dark Side of Friday

Cover by Nick and Vinny - Brutal Metal Cover

Cover by Peter and Dante - An Epic Upbeat Cover

Arranged by Walt Ribeiro - For Orchestra Version

Phrases I Can't Stand: Everything Happens for a Reason

Imagine, if you will, that's you're a reverend.  Your wife was recently involved in a horrific accident in which some guy fell asleep at the wheel and hit her while she was taking a walk.  She was pinned between a tree and the car, just about severing her in half.  There was nothing the paramedics could do for her, other than keep her alive just long enough for you to talk to her one last time.  Her death caused you to question your faith and, subsequently, you no longer practice your religious profession.  In fact, you aren't even religious anymore.  You now live on a farm with your brother, who used to be a minor league baseball player that never quite made it to the majors because of his penchant for always swinging for the fences (striking out a lot as a consequence).  You also live with your asthmatic Macaulay Culkin look-a-like son and your adorable little daughter who has this quirky behavior of leaving unfinished glasses of water all over the house (what's up with that?).  And now, as if life wasn't difficult enough, some jokesters are making crop circles in your cornfields.  It's probably just that rascal Lionel Pritchard and the Wolfington Brothers, you think.

Well, as it turns out, those crop circles weren't the prank of some misguided teenagers with nothing better to do in the hick town that you live in.  They were created by intelligent poisonous gas secreting extraterrestrials.  And now there's one trying to get into your house!  He's climbing in your windows, he's snatching your people up.  And by people, I mean your son.  The alien has your son, who is scared shitless and having an asthma attack, in his arms and is about to administer the poisonous spray of death.  As you and your family stare this monster in the face, you remember your wife's dying words.  "Tell Merrill to swing away."  Merrill is your brother with the harelip, in case you forgot.  You tell your brother to swing away, so he grabs his record setting baseball bat that is conveniently hanging overhead on the wall in the living room.  But just as he moves in for the kill, the alien sprays the poison into your son's face (to be fair to the alien though, you did chop off his fingers earlier in the movie).  Your daughter screams and all hope is lost.  Or is it?

Your brother attacks the alien with the bat and gets him to drop your son.  You remove your son out of harms way just as your brother connects with a swing that sends the alien flying into a table.  The table has a glass of water on top of it and the water spills out onto the alien's shoulder. Remember that weird habit your daughter has of leaving unfinished glasses of water everywhere?  Well, apparently, the aliens didn't do their research and came to a planet that is made up of 70% water, despite the fact that it's like burning acid to them (I guess they're smart enough for interstellar space travel, but not smart enough to realize that it's not a good idea to come to a planet where the inhabitants are water based creatures).  You take your son outside to administer his asthma medication while your brother finishes off the alien.

After your close encounter with perhaps the universe's dumbest species of alien, you come to the realization that everything happened for a reason.  You son had asthma so that his lungs would be closed when the alien sprayed the poison in his face.  Your daughter had a discerning taste for water so that her unfinished glasses would be in position around the house to be used as a weapon against the space invader.  Your brother never made it to the majors so that he could come live with you and use his skill of "swinging away" to save you and your children from certain death.  Your wife had to die so that you would remember her dying words when you were too panic-stricken to act or even think straight.  With that revelation from God, and your faith fully restored, you return to your calling as a reverend.

If you haven't already figured it out, the above scenario is from the movies Signs.  And while I think it is a decent movie, I don't agree with the conclusion of the movie.  I don't believe that everything happens for a reason.  In fact, it's one of the many phrases that I can't stand.  

Case in point, the recent tragedy in Japan.  Why did that happen?  What was the reason for that?  Maybe WNBA player Cappie Pondexter can shed some light on it for us. 

"What if God was tired of the way they treated their own people in there own country! Idk guys he makes no mistakes."

"u just never knw! They did pearl harbor so u can't expect anything less."

"I wanna apologize to anyone I may hurt or offended during this tragic time. I didn't realize that my words could be interpreted in the manner which they were. People that knw me would tell u 1st hand I'm a very spiritual person and believe that everything, even disasters happen 4 a reason and that God will shouldn't be questioned but this is a very sensitive subject at a very tragic time and I shouldn't even have given a reason for the choice of words I used."

Those quotes are from her twitter account.  The first two tweets are her making an ass of herself and the last one is her trying to cover her ass with a halfhearted apology.  And that last tweet precisely illustrates why I can't stand the phrase, nor that way of thinking.  The people who say and believe everything happens for a reason use it as some sort of rallying cry when bad things happen to them or in the world.  And when those seemingly inexplicable bad things happen, they have to believe that there is a good reason that they happened.  These people need to feel comforted.  They need to feel like someone, somewhere, is in control and looking out for their best interests.  They like to think that someone is God.  And according to them, God is all knowing and has a plan for everyone.  God wouldn't allow bad things to happen unless there was a good reason for it.  Well, I'm here to tell you that there are plenty of bad things that happen for absolutely no good reason at all.

Let's go back to the aforementioned current event, the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, for a moment.  What could possibly be the reason for that?  Is God just some sort of spiteful little brat with a magnifying glass, who gets his kicks from burning and killing defenseless ants?  Would that really be a loving God's modus operandi?  If God really did create everyone and everything on this planet, and loves us all despite our faults, why would he indiscriminately kill a bunch of people?  I'd like to know what all those people who died, and all the people effected by this tragedy, did to deserve what happened to them?  I'm sorry if I'm questioning God's will here, but I really think it needs to be questioned if he has any reason at all for this.

Okay, moving on to the next thing that can't possibly have a reason for happening.  SIDS, or sudden infant death syndrome.  If you're not familiar with the term, here's the medical definition:

Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is the unexpected, sudden death of a child under age 1 in which an autopsy does not show an explainable cause of death.

Why would God allow a baby to die?  There are plenty of other people out there who deserve to die a billion times more than a innocent baby.  Rapists, murderers, child abusers, Justin Bieber.  They all deserve to die more than a baby.  So what would God's reason be for killing a baby?  And really, if he ever had to kill a baby at any point in history, why couldn't that baby have been Hitler?  If God would have done that, and I somehow knew that he did it, I would gladly admit that there is a reason for SIDS.

I mentioned child abusers in the above paragraph for a reason (see what I did there?) because it provides a nice little segue to the next thing that couldn't possibly have occured for a reason.  My grandma used to work in downtown Detroit as a nurse at Children's Hospital.  She told me a story of a little boy she once took care of there.  This little boy was around the age of two and had the unfortunate circumstance of having his butt placed on a red hot stove coil by his father.  And this wasn't an accident, oh no.  His father deliberately put him on the stove as punishment for some wrong that the little boy committed.  How could God possibly allow that to happen?  And don't hand me that bullshit about how God couldn't stop the father because people have freewill.  If you're one of those people who truly believes that God has a plan for you, and everything happens for a reason, you don't have freewill.  If the plan is already laid out for you, and everything in your life is already determined, then you don't have freewill.  So I ask again, why was a third degree ass burn (or worse) in that child's plan?  That seems like something God could have left out or, at the very least, gone back to the drawing board and revised.  And while he's back at the drawing board, I'd like to see him make an addition.  Why not have the father take out a life insurance policy on himself a few months before the child is born, and then have some drifter put a bullet in the father's head shortly thereafter?  That sounds like a pretty good plan to me.

Okay, I think those three examples are enough to illustrate my point.  And if you read all of it, you probably think I'm a cynical bastard.  Well, I guess there's really no denying that I am.  I'm just sick and tired of people's "everything happens for a reason" bullshit.  If you want to go on believing that, that's fine.  I'm not here to stop you from believing in anything you want to believe in.  Whatever helps you make in through your day. Just know that the only place where everything happens for a reason is in your mind.  Your mind is what creates the reason for things that happen, not God.  It's a coping mechanism for you, with God flavored sugar on top, to help you deal with life.  I, on the other hand, prefer to deal in the rational world where things happen for no reason at all.  It may not be as easy, but it's much more grounded in reality.

Stuff I Don't Get: Weight Watchers

I'm sorry to report that this feature of my blog doesn't have a snazzy acronym to go along with it.  SIDG, for Stuff I Don't Get, just doesn't roll off the tongue like TICS (Things I Can't Stand).  It'll have to do for now though (unless you can think of something better?).  If you can come up with a better name for this segment, please be sure to let me know in the comments.  In the meantime, I'm going to push forward with this shitty acronym of a name and talk about the weight loss program called Weight Watchers.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I have nothing against any system that helps a person lose weight (unless it does so in an unhealthy way).  As you may or may not know, I was once fat for a brief period of about three years.  In fact, it was a little over a year ago that I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps (even though I don't own any boots, or straps, or boots with straps) and started to lose some weight.  I've discussed this in multiple posts and only mention it to provide a frame of reference (so you don't think I'm a complete asshole) for those of you who have never read this blog before (look at me, I'm talking like I actually have people who do read this shit!).  Okay, now that that's out of the way, on to the Stuff I Don't Get, or SIDG (work with me here, people), about Weight Watchers.

I have a few family members who follow the Weight Watchers Points Plus Program (say those five words five times fast).  If you're not familiar with the program, let me briefly explain how it works from what I understand.  There's this magical formula that you use to determine how many points a certain food is worth.  You take the amount (in grams) of protein, carbohydrates, fat and fiber in a particular item, plug those values into the formula, and then it tells you the number of points the food is worth.  If math isn't one of your strong suits, there's a calculator that you can use to give you the answer more quickly and easily.  In my opinion, however, they should eliminate that calculator.  I mean, think about it.  If most people had to compute the worth of a given food by hand every single time they decided to eat something, don't you think that they would think twice about eating said food?  Math is hard, am I right?  That idea is free, Weight Watchers. The remainder (you'll understand that joke later...maybe) of my ideas are going to cost you though.

The amount of points you have to spend in a day varies by how much you currently weigh, your weight lose goal and probably the phase of the moon for all I know.  You also have 49 flex points to spend throughout the week (because Weight Watchers knows that people love to snack).  You can spend your allotment of weekly points and flex points in any way that you see fit.  If you feel like saving your points for the weekend in order to binge drink them away into oblivion, you can do that.  If you feel like allocating your points evenly throughout the week, you can do that too.  If you feel like being sensible with your points one day, and then the next day eating like Kirstie Alley on a Fat Tuesday (does that joke even work anymore?), you can do that as well.

The point I'm trying to get at, if you let me get to the point, is that the Weight Watchers point system provides a basic weekly guideline to point you in the right direction so that little kids no longer point and laugh at you while you're shopping at the grocery store.  Did that analogy help get my point across?  And did I mention point?  Point!  Anyway, you know how poignantly cruel kids can be.  They don't just point and laugh, oh no.  They also announce to all within earshot that you will forever haunt their thoughts and dreams because you are absolutely the fattest, most grotesque, human being they have ever laid their pathetic, miserable, godforsaken eyes on (hell truly is for children).  They then go running down the detergent aisle, or possibly the aisle where they keep the sharp pointy (oh no, not this point shit again) lawn tools, looking for something to blind themselves with, while screaming "DO YOU KNOW THE MARSHMALLOW MAN WHO LIVES ON STAY PUFT LANE."  I've seen it a hundred times

I know it sounds like I'm not a big fan of the Weight Watchers point system.  I really don't have any major problems with it though.  Well, except for one.  There are certain foods that you eat that are somehow worth zero points.  Now, to me, that is appetilogically impossible. Yes, I just made up the word appetilogically (just know that the root word of it is appetite and you'll understand where I'm coming from).   How can something that you eat be worth zero points?  To me, that is psychologically unsatisfying.  If you're ingesting something, it has to be worth something.  The argument I always have with family that follow the program is over cabbage soup.  It's supposedly worth zero points.  To them I always say, "You mean to tell me that you could eat an oil drum full of cabbage soup and it's still worth zero points?"  How is that possible?  Inquiring minds want to know.

So, if everything you eat has to be worth something, what is the solution then?  One word.  Fractions.  I don't mind if you have to make food worth a fraction of a point.  If you're getting some sort of sustenance from it, it has to be worth something.  And I also don't care if the food takes more calories to digest than it has in it.  Make it worth a negative fraction of a point then.  In my book, the only time it's possible to be consuming something worth zero points is when you're breathing air.  Other than that, make whatever it is that you're eating worth something.

I know what you're thinking.  Why unnecessarily complicate things by introducing fractions into the Weight Watchers system?  Well, I'll tell you why.  Fractions are numbers too, god damn it.  They have just as much right to be included in the system as any whole number.  It's bad enough that the numerator and denominator are separated with a divider, like some sort of mathematical Jewish Star of David.  Now you're telling me that they can't be included in a simple weight loss program?  I'd like to know your stance on mixed numbers, good sir.  I'd like to know it very much.  You're probably the type of person who believes that the whole numbers will never fully embrace mixed numbers because they are not truly whole and the fractions will never really embrace mixed numbers either because they are not fractured enough.  Well, let me tell you something, mister.  This is the 21st century we're living in.  We no longer live in a world were a number is judged by how it looks, but by the content of its character.  I have a dream....

On a more serious note, if you really have a problem with introducing fractions into the Weight Watchers system, I have a simple solution for you then.  Keep it simple.  Everything that is currently worth zero points is worth 1/10 of a point.  Everyone can count to ten, right?  Let me give you an example to help you understand.  Let's say that, on a given day, you eat 32 whole points worth of food and three items worth 1/10 of a point.  In order to get your total, you simply add on .3 of a point to the end of your 32 points to give you 32.3 points for the day.  Isn't that a much more appetilogically pleasing number than a simple 32 points?  Well, it is to me.  That fraction of a point gives a man character and puts hair on one's balls.  Besides, I just cannot stand zeroes.  They give me flashbacks to my days as a World War II fighter pilot.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my take on the Weight Watchers system.  It wasn't always easy to follow, I'm sure, but at least you tried.  Until next time, you stay classy, Detroit.

Things I Can't Stand: Weather Forecasters

As I sit here waiting for Snowgasm 2011 to unload its white wintry goodness all over me, I thought it would be as good a time as any to talk about a thing I can't stand (or TICS, for short).  What else would you expect me to do?  Go outside and make a snow devil?  Well, maybe later.  Anyway, the thing I'm going to talk about today is weather forecasters, better known as meteorologists. You shouldn't call them meteorologists though.  Read on to find out why (and more).

First off, I have a problem with calling them meteorologists.  It's basically just a self important title the weather forecaster on TV gives himself to feel like some sort of hot shot scientist.  In reality though, all the real scientists laugh at weather forecasters.  The weather forecasting profession is the red headed stepchild of the scientific community.  They aren't real scientists.  They are more like meteorological soothsayers, predicting the weather through a Doppler powered crystal ball (that actually sounds pretty cool, but it's not!).  Real scientists are out there working on a cure for AIDs or discovering the potential applications of stem cell research.  Weather forecasters, on the other hand, are looking at their Doppler radar while banging the chick that does traffic.  Is that what you would call science?  If so, sign me up!

Anyway, weather forecasters don't deserve such a distinguished sounding title.  They deserve a title that has very little dignity and that is much more in line with the actual job they do.  It's kind of like how some strippers would like to be referred to as exotic dancers.  Sure, exotic dancer sounds a lot more distinguished and dignified (and what stripper doesn't have her dignity?), but that title doesn't get down into the core of what the person actually does.  And that's why you should refer to "meteorologists" as weather forecasters.  They forecast the weather and nothing more (besides banging the bejesus out of the traffic chick, of course).

Except a weather forecaster rarely ever forecasts the weather correctly.  At least when a stripper strips, she doesn't mistakenly put on a burka and start chanting from the Koran (unless that's part of her act, which would be hot!).  Here's a quotation from Patrick Young that illustrates my point:

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.

Go ahead and name me another profession where you can get it wrong as often as a weather forecaster and still keep your job.  There aren't many, if any, out there.  Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that the stripper you asked to give you a lap dance is unable to give you an erection.  Do you think that stripper is going to keep her job for very long?  No, she would soon be out on the street looking for a new way (read: prostitution) to earn money to buy formula for her newborn baby.  And if that happened, could you live with yourself?  Would you want to be responsible for something like that?  Could you look at yourself in the mirror afterward?  Is that something you would want weighing on your conscience for the rest of your life?  No, it most certainly is not.  So please.  For the stripper's sake, and more importantly for her baby's sake, get a boner and tip her well.  And I don't care if you're not into stretch marks.  A child's life is at stake here. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, weather forecasters (I sometimes get distracted by strippers).  Another thing that bothers me is the amount of useless information the weather forecaster gives you.  Dew point? Barometric pressure?  What the hell is barometric pressure and how, exactly, does it effect my life?  Should I not take a shit today because the barometric pressure is negative 20 degrees Kelvin or however the fuck you measure it?  Who gives a rat's ass what the barometric pressure is?  Are you tired of me asking rhetorical questions yet?  I really don't know what to do with that information, so please, spare me. It's useless and pointless and has absolutely no bearing on my day.

Also, why tell me if it's partly sunny or partly cloudy?  Aren't they the exact same thing anyway?   Doesn't it just amount to the "is the glass half full or half empty" argument?  Is the sky half full or half empty today?  That's something I can determine for myself, by looking out the window, you jackass weather forecaster.  If I'm having a good day, it'll be partly sunny.  And if I'm having a bad day, it'll be partly cloudy.  Or maybe the other way around, depending on how you look at it, I guess (did I just blow your mind?).  Anyway, if it is partly cloudy or whatever you want to call it, I just want the percentage chance for rain, Mr. Weather Forecaster.  And if you're wrong about the rain, I want you to do me a favor.  You so owe me one for the number of times you've been wrong in the past.  I want you to call your wife, or gay lover, whichever way the wind blows for you (a little weather humor for you there).  I want you to promise her/him six to seven inches when you get home tonight.  And then, when you get there, only give her/him the three to four you really have.  Your wife/gay lover will then know 1/10 of the disappointment I feel every single time you tell me it's going to rain, I cancel my plans, and then it doesn't rain (or you tell me it's not going to rain, and then it does). 

Finally, I'm going to talk about temperature and how it relates to the humidity and wind chill factor.  I know you've all been waiting to hear about this (end sarcasm).  What the weather forecasters do is they tell you the temperature first before they actually tell you what it feels like outside.  You see, they give you the temperature first and then they either factor in the humidity in the summer or the wind chill in the winter.  Once they factor in those respective measurements during the applicable time of year, it then tells you what it actually feels like outside.  So here's the thing.  Why tell me what the temperature is first then?  If you're ultimately going to tell me what it actually feels like outside, just skip the part about the temperature.  It's just senseless information that adds unnecessary confusion.  I couldn't give two shits what the temperature would be outside if conditions were perfect.  If you're telling me what it feels like outside after you factor in the humidity or wind chill, you're telling me that the conditions aren't perfect.  And since the conditions aren't perfect, just take the temperature and then factor in the proper measurement to give me what it actually feels like outside.  That's all I need to know.  That's the only reading I really care about.  What it actually FEELS like outside. 

And that's something that really TICS me off about weather forecasters.  Did you see what I did there?  TICS...because this is Things I Can't Stand.

*crickets*  

Thank you...I'll be here all week.  Be sure to try the veal and don't forget to tip your stripper!

The Golden Girls Ratio

While talking to my friend Eryn the other day, I stumbled upon something that may change the face of mathematics as we know it (Disclaimer: your results may vary).  Have you ever heard of the Fibonacci Sequence?  How about the Golden Ratio?  Oh, you haven't heard of either of those two things?  Well, let me drop a little knowledge right on top of you and then I'll get back to what I discovered.

The Fibonacci Sequence is the following series of numbers:

0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, 233, 377,  ...

And it extends on to infinity (and beyond).  Do you notice the pattern here?  Oh, you don't?  Well, let me help you out then.  To get the next number in the sequence, you add the previous two numbers together.  It really is that simple.  Unfortunately, the rest of this post goes from simple to downright insanity by the end of it, so please prepare yourself for the inevitable. 

The Golden Ratio is a number that interests mathematicians, as well as artists, historians, musicians and many other people from various diverse fields.  As a number, the Golden Ratio is approximately 1.618034.  The Golden Ratio is a lot more complicated than just the number though, and I don't claim to understand all of its applications, but for the purposes of this post just understand this.  A ratio is a a number divided by another number (a proportion) and the Golden Ratio's proportion equals to approximately 1.618034.


Now, how does the Fibonacci Sequence relate to the Golden Ratio, you ask?  Oh, you didn't ask that and would rather go watch that lip-syncing midget on YouTube?  Well, be my guest, but I'm going to finish explaining this anyway.  If you take two successive numbers in the Fibonacci Sequence, their ratio gets closer and closer to the Golden Ratio as you get further and further along in the sequence.

Consider the following:

• 3/2 = 1.5
• 5/3 = 1.666...
• 8/5 = 1.6
• 13/8 = 1.625
• 233/144 = 1.618055556
• 377/233 = 1.618025751

Okay, now that I've successfully lost every last one of you, I'm going to tell you what I unearthed while talking to Eryn.  It involves the television sitcom The Golden Girls (don't ask me how we got on the subject of The Golden Girls, things like that just randomly come up).  If you're not familiar with The Golden Girls television program, let me give you a brief history of it.  The Golden Girls show aired from 1985-1992 and was one of the highest rated shows during that time.  The show was about four older women (read: senior citizens) living in a house together in Miami, Florida (in the United States, Florida is typically where most senior citizens spend their "golden years," hence the name of the show).  The show was controversial for its time because it dealt with many topical issues such as "coming out," safe sex, HIV and various other sexual things you would rather not imagine a bunch of old ladies discussing and/or partaking in (unless you're in to that, in which case you better stock up on once monthly Boniva).

The four main characters from The Golden Girls were played by the following people:

• Estelle Getty played Sophia
• Bea Arthur played Dorothy
• Rue McClanahan played Blanche
• Betty White played Rose

Surprisingly, no one was named Esther, Gertrude or Mildred.  Anyway, as you may or may not know, Betty White is the only surviving member of the four main characters from the show.  Why is this relevant, you ask?  To understand that, we must turn our attention to some somber days of death.

The following dates are the death dates of the three deceased Golden Girls:

• Estelle Getty: July 22, 2008
• Bea Arthur: April 25, 2009
• Rue McClanahan: June 3, 2010

Do you notice the pattern here?  Look very closely if you don't.  Hey, you know what? If you guys don't see the pattern here, just ring your call button, and I will come over there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard (that was from Tommy Boy).  Anyway, the year pattern should be obvious to you: 2008, 2009 and 2010.  Following that pattern, Betty White is destined to die in 2011.  And, according to my calendar, that happens to be this year!

Now, the year pattern is very easy to notice, but what about the month?  Well, we currently have deaths in April, June and July.  So, the month of May seems to be the most logical month for Betty White to die.  It completes the sequence of April, May, June and July.  And you know what I always say, golden showers bring May flowers.  You know, because you send flowers to someone when they die and Betty White was a Golden Girl.  Alright, let's pretend like I didn't just go there.  Moving right along....

Okay, so Betty White is set to die in May of 2011, but what will be the exact day she will die?  Here's where my theory gets a bit convoluted, so please bear with me.  Like most things in life, Bea Arthur holds the key to this answer (since she is the middle death).  Bea Arthur's death date was exactly 277 days after Estelle Getty's death date.  On the flip side, Bea Arthur's death date was exactly 404 days before Rue McClanahan's death date.  If you add 277 and 404 together, you get 681.  You then divide that number, 681, by two (because two is the number of bad Golden Girls episodes in existence) to get the mean (average) of 340.5.  And since you typically round up in mathematics, let's make that number 341.  Finally, if you add on 341 days to the date of June 3, 2010 (Rue McClanahan's death date), you end up with a date that falls perfectly in line with everything I've laid out before you.  The day Betty White will perish is (dun, dun, dunnnnn) May 10, 2011.

So, you see, it really is that simple.  If you use logic and mathematics, mixed with a few cups of crazy, and sprinkle in some stale satirical humor, you can uncover some truly amazing things!

Weight Loss 4,000

If you've been following my blog (and if my comment section is any indication, no one is), you might remember a post I made back in May about my weight loss goal.  If you don't remember, and you're too lazy to click on the link and read that post, I stated the following:

As of right now [this was on May 2nd], I am down to 172 pounds...

...I still have a bit of a gut, so I still want to lose more weight. My goal is to get down to 155 by the end of the summer. I don't know if it's realistic or not, but I'll be happy if I can get close.

Well, being since today marks the official end of summer, I just thought I'd check in with my current weight.  I am down to 162 pounds, and even though it's not exactly where I want to be, I'm pretty happy to be where I'm at.  I have a long way to go though and I keep telling myself that too.

Now, I don't mean I have a long way to go in terms of my weight loss goal.  I'm pretty close on that.  What I mean is that staying in shape isn't something you accomplish once and then go back to being out of shape.  It's not something you cross off your bucket list and then go back to not exercising and eating whatever the hell you want all of the time.  If it's important to you, it's something that you have to work at your whole life. I plan on living for a very long time, so I still have a long way to go.

Some of you might be wondering what I'm doing to lose weight.  Well, here's my diet and exercise regimen:

Diet

I eat pretty much the same things every day for breakfast and lunch.  One of my biggest problems is that I'm a very picky eater, but it is also a strength in this case.  Since I don't like very many things, I don't really ever get tired of the things that I do like.  For breakfast, I have a bowl of cereal (usually either Kix, Cheerios or Apple Jacks) with 2% milk, a banana and a glass of orange juice.  In between breakfast and lunch, I usually eat an energy bar that is about 150 calories or so.  For lunch, I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, either an apple or some grapes, an ounce of mozzarella string cheese and sometimes either pretzels or tortilla chips.  In between lunch and dinner, I always eat a protein bar and sometimes a handful of peanuts if I'm really hungry.

Dinner is always a wild card for me, but I almost always have a baked potatoes and either green beans or corn (because those are the only vegetables that I like).  Meat-wise, I eat chicken, pork chops, beef/pork roast, steak and hot dogs. Not all in one night of course, only one meat at a time (that's what she said?).  I also sometimes eat spaghetti and lasagna (again, on separate occasions).  After dinner, if I'm hungry, I sometimes eat some pretzels, a handful of peanuts or a fruit of some sort (like a banana, an apple or some grapes).  Oh, and once a week, I cheat on my so called diet and order a pizza, go out to a restaurant or do fast food.  I pretty much eat whatever I want though, I just have to limit myself on the amount that I consume and restrict myself to eating "bad" once a week.  It's not perfect, but it seems to be working pretty well for me so far.

Exercise

I started out, back in December of 2009, doing an easy program on the treadmill one time a day for 20 minutes (the program only went 4.5 MPH and was on a 1.5 incline).  In January of 2010, I did that same easy program once a day for 20 minuets.  In February, I did that same easy program and added another more difficult 30 minute program (the more difficult program went as fast as 6 MPH and the incline varied from 1.5 to 8.0).  In March, I started lifting weights with my dad twice a week and running on the treadmill, doing those same two programs, on my non-lifting days.  In April, I got one of those exercise balls and did that on occasion, although I don't do that much anymore (it just wasn't my thing).  In May and throughout the summer, I swam at least once a week in addition to everything else.

In June, I bought a set of those resistance tubes, which came with a DVD, and I added that to my weekly routine.  In July, my grandma and I bought an exercise bike and I replaced one of my two treadmill runs with a ride on that.  At the end of August, I started jogging outside once or twice a day, along with all of the other things that I do.  I don't know how long I'll be able to jog because winter is coming soon.  I don't mind running on the treadmill and riding the exercise bike once each a day, but I would hate doing it more than that.  I really enjoy the jogging, even though I don't go too fast, because it seems to curb my appetite after lunch and after dinner.  I guess I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do once the cold (and snow/ice) finally curtails my jogging.

My new goal is to stay around my current weight throughout the fall and winter.  It will be impossible to do any more exercising than I'm doing now because of the coming seasons.  In fact, I I'll probably be doing less exercising because I won't be able to go outside and jog anymore. I'll also be cooped up in the house a lot more, so the temptation of readily available food will be all around me.  Anyway, I'll check back in at the end of winter/beginning of spring to tell you, the non-existent reader, how I'm doing.  Until then, you stay classy, San Diego.