It's Friday, Friday

Every now and then, you come across a song that is pure lyrical genius.  Rebecca Black's Friday is just such a song.  If you haven't heard it yet, prepare your ears for musical bliss.  If you're currently listening to anything else right now, please be sure to cleanse your ear palate by listening to the ocean (either the song by Led Zeppelin, or the actual ocean, your choice) or something else equally soothing.  Okay, are you ready?  No you're not, but that's okay.  No one is their first time.

Rebecca Black - Friday

It's just one of those things that's so bad, it's good, isn't it?  And after listening to the above masterpiece, I think it's time for another one of my not so famous YouTube video breakdowns.  You do remember my previous breakdown of the Double Rainbow video, don't you?  Yeah, me neither.  Anyway, this breakdown is going to be similar to that, with a lot of the same jokes, only better! Here we go.

The video starts off with what is presumably a brief rundown of Rebecca Black's week.  She studies on Sunday for the test on Monday (makes sense).  She gets more homework on Tuesday.  She has music practice on Wednesday, but who needs practice when you have autotune?  Her essay is due on Thursday.  Finally, it's Friday, it's time to get down and the song officially starts.

She wakes up in the morning at 7 AM.  She's gotta be fresh, meaning she's having problems with vaginal odor, so she goes downstairs (urbandictionary.com will help with some of my lamer jokes).  She's gotta have her bowl, which is most definitely slang for pot.  The pot gives her the munchies, so she has cereal.  She's seeing everything, the time is going and ticking on and on.  To her, everybody's rushing, but I think we all know what's really happening here (pot can have time altering effects on people).  She soon realizes that she's gotta get down to the bus stop to catch her bus.  Although, I don't know why she's at the bus stop when she's clearly waiting for her friends to pick her up.  Maybe she has the hots for the school bus stalking pedophile that you'll hear rap near the end of the video?

She sees her friends kicking in the front seat and sitting in the back seat.  She's gotta make her mind up on a very difficult decision (ah, to be young again).  Which seat can she take?  She clearly has no regard for shotgun rules though.  I mean, seriously?  There's only one seat open, Rebecca, and it's in the back.  Why would you even contemplate which seat to take when there's already someone in the front seat?  Do you really think you're that big of a star?  Well, let me go ahead and explain one of the cardinal rules of shotgun to you, missy, since you obviously aren't familiar with them.  If there's somebody already in the front seat, you shouldn't even consider taking it (unless you also consider blowing the driver, of course).

Anyway, on with the chorus!  It appears to be Friday because she says so twice.  She's gotta get down on Friday.  Everybody's looking forward to the weekend.  I wonder what the reason for that could be?  Oh, here it is.  Partying, partying, yeah!  Partying, partying, yeah!  Fun, fun, fun, fun.  I guess that's the reason why she's looking forward to the weekend.  Mystery solved.

It's 7:45, she's got her whore hoops in and she's driving with her friends on the highway.  They're cruising so fast, she wants time to fly (possibly another drug reference).  Fun, fun, think about fun, she says.  You know what it is, she says.  Oh, I think I know what it is (giggity, giggity).  It's hard to tell how old you are though with all that eyeshadow on.  I got this, you got this, you say?  Your friend is by your right, you say?  Well actually, I'd prefer you and your friend on the left, but my granddad always said that rapers can't be choosers.  I got this, you got this and now I know it.  You'll be kicking in the front seat and I'll be sitting in your back seat, if you know what I mean.  And after I'm done with you, you won't have to make your mind up on which seat to take because it will hurt to sit down for a while....

More chorus!  So it's Friday, Friday.  She's gotta get down on Friday (more like go down, am I right?) .  Everybody's looking froward to the weekend, weekend.  It's Friday, Friday (didn't we already cover this?).  She's getting down on Friday.  Everybody's looking froward to the weekend.  Partying, partying, yeah!  Partying, partying, yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun.  Looking forward to the weekend.  Well, at this point in the video/song, I'm just about ready to have a seizure.  I'm not sure if it's because of the mind numbing lyrics, or the flashing background that comes up next, but I really think that this video should have a seizure warning.

Here's the part of the song where we learn about the other days of the week besides Friday (what's next, her times tables?).  She says that yesterday was Thursday and today it is Friday.  She keeps saying we so excited to emphasis how excited she is.  I guess I can understand that because I was excited when I first learned the days of the week myself.  Before I knew them like clockwork, I had to look up a girl's dress everyday just to be sure what day of the week it was.  And when that girl finally stopped wearing those days of the week underwear, I couldn't rely on that method anymore.  It was still exciting for me though because she forgot to wear underwear on that day.  Anyway, the song goes on to talk about how she's gonna have a ball today (maybe even two, on her chin, if you know what I mean).  She says tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.  She doesn't want this weekend to end.  I think I speak for everyone, however, when I say I desperately want this song to end.

Thankfully, it's almost over because this is where the black pedophile shows up to rap (and rape). He says Rebecca Black's initials and name to establish his street cred with the kids.  He talks about chilling in the front seat and also something about the back seat, which I can only assume is a metaphor for dry anal rap (I'm repeating my jokes, just like this song repeats lyrics!).  He's driving and cruising in the fast lane, switching in and out of lanes.  Basically, he's driving around town, like an asshole, looking for the Jailbait High school bus.  He says there's a car up on his side, so at least he's checking his blind spot. 

He finally finds the school bus, claiming that it was "passing by" in front of him, as if it's some strange coincidence (we all know damn well that he was out there looking for it).  And after referring to said school bus, he says that it makes tick tock wanna scream (I think I read in Rapist Weekly that tick tock is the nickname he gave his penis).  Oh, and in case you weren't paying attention throughout the song, he checks the time just to make sure what day it is.  It's Friday, it's a weekend and he's going to have fun (of the statutory rape variety, no doubt).  His parting words are c'mon y'all, which I suspect is his final warning to everybody on the school bus that he's going to come on them all (although I don't speak Ebonics, so I could be wrong).

I'll spare you the rest of the song because it's more chorus.  Just know that it's Friday and she's gotta get down because she's been looking forward to partying and having fun on the weekend.  That pretty much sums it up.

Well, that's my breakdown of the Rebecca Black song Friday.  I hope you made it through the entire song without attempting to kill yourself.  And if you did, congratulations!  I award you 100 internets and an all expenses paid trip to the mental institute.  You're going to need it, especially if the song gets stuck in your head.

And speaking of getting the song stuck in your head, I'm going to leave you with a few awesome covers of the aforementioned song (and also an orchestral version).  These tributes to what is, quite possibly, the worst song in the world really turn shit into gold.  Enjoy!

Cover by Matt Mulholland - The Dark Side of Friday

Cover by Nick and Vinny - Brutal Metal Cover

Cover by Peter and Dante - An Epic Upbeat Cover

Arranged by Walt Ribeiro - For Orchestra Version

Lady Gaga broke my heart...

'cause I couldn't dance. She didn't even want me around. And now I'm back, to let her know, I can really shake 'em down. Oh, and I would also like to let her know that she broke my computer and I'm sending her the repair bill. How did she break my computer, you ask? Please read on to find out.

Without getting too technical here, my computer is currently out of commission. I'm not 100% sure what's wrong with it at this point, but I think I've narrowed it down to two things. Either a) the video card is fried, or b) Lady Gaga broke my computer. The more logical answer is, of course, the video card is toast. However, when the only thing you've been doing differently on the computer is listening to Lady Gaga ad nauseam the past few days, you start to question your judgment (and possibly your sanity).

So, to Lady Gaga, I would just like to say this. I don't know what I did to deserve your wrath. I figured that the restraining order you issued was punishment enough for me. I wanted your love, but I didn't realize your revenge would be breaking my computer. And I know we've had our differences in the past. You like to play poker, I like to play euchre. You want one's ugly and disease, whereas I prefer a beautiful disease-free experience. I enjoy it when you're bluffin' with your muffin, but not so much when you're stunnin' with your love-glue-gunning. I'm still your biggest fan, despite of all that, and I'll follow you until you love me. Pa-pa...well, you know how the rest goes.

I guess...what I'm trying to say is...I'm sorry. I don't know how I'm going to make it up to you, but I think I have an idea. I'm going to dedicate a song to you, Lady Gaga. So, without further ado, here is my version of Lola by the Kinks:

I met her in a club down in old Soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola
C-O-L-A cola

She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, "Gaga"
G-A-G-A Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight, she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
Why she walked like a woman, but talked like a man
Oh my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candle light
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said "Dear boy, won't you come home with me?"

Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy
But when I looked in her eyes
Well, I almost fell for my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Gaga ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

I pushed her away
I walked to the door
I fell to the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me

Well, that's the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
Except for Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I left home just a week before
And I never ever kissed a woman before
But Gaga smiled and took me by the hand
And said "Dear boy, I'm gonna make you a man"

Well I'm not the world's most masculine man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
And so is Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Gaga ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga...

If I was a lyrical genius of parody, like Weird Al, I could do more than just change the "lo" to "ga" and Lola to Gaga. Sadly, I'm not. Maybe I'll try another day, but that's all I have time for right now. Thank you and good night!

Cuckoo for Gaga Puffs

Is it weird that I think the song Bad Romance, by Lady Gaga, is about me? I mean, it's not even really me who thinks that. It's a friend of mine, actually. Yes, a friend of mine...he thinks that the song Bad Romance is about him. He has had it playing, on a permanent loop no less, for the past week. So, is it odd that my friend is currently infatuated with Lady Gaga? Why does this matter, you ask? Well, if you aren't hip to what the kids are saying these days, you might not know why. Please read on to find out.

The word on the street is that Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite. I have no idea if this is true or not, it is just a rumor after all. If it is true though, my friend has a perplexing conundrum on his hands. What should he do about his desires? Should he confess his undying love for Lady Gaga, or should he just keep it to himself? He doesn't even really know what a bad romance with Lady Gaga entails anyway. I mean, how would it work? She's a hermaphrodite...would she like, have to tuck it, or something? And being a hermaphrodite and all, what does she prefer? Without getting too graphic here, does she prefer muffins or sausage for breakfast, if you know what I'm saying? How about for lunch, a tuna or salami sandwich, if you catch my drift? Or for dinner, does she like a particular variety of cock or maybe some clams, if you see my meaning? How about dessert...okay, I'll stop there. The crème brûlée would probably leave a bad taste in her mouth anyway.

My friend is looking for any and all advice you may have for him. This is a question of a 21st century man living in gender confused times. It is a question that is very near and dear to my friend's heart and mind (and maybe some other body part that I'm not at liberty to mention). It is a question you might be asking yourself right now, if you're a fan of Lady Gaga (and maybe even if you're not). It is not only a question one must ask oneself, it is also a question that your kids, and your kids' kids, will face someday. What should you do when you have a mild attraction to a hermaphrodite? God, please give me the strength to know the answer. I mean, please give my friend the strength to know the answer. Yes, that's right....

On a semi-related note, the YouTube video of the aforementioned Lady Gaga song has recently passed the Charlie bit my finger video. As of this writing, both videos have nearly 180 million views on YouTube. I'm ashamed to admit that I have contributed, many many times, to the number of views on both videos. Hell, who am I kidding? I'm not ashamed to admit it, not in the slightest. And when Charlie's balls finally drop, he shouldn't be ashamed to admit the things he enjoys either. Because, damn it, the things you enjoy are part of who you are. And even if those things involve a suspected hermaphrodite, or even biting fingers for that matter, you can't help what you enjoy. So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!!!

Update: It has recently come to my attention that Lady Gaga is currently celibate. No word yet on my friend's reaction, but I'm sure he's probably crestfallen. In before the, "it's easy to be celibate when you're a hermaphrodite," jokes.