Spacebook

I wrote a post, about five months ago, describing a few of the funny things that my grandma has said and done over the past few years (if you care to read it, click here). In that post, I also said that I would type more when I had the time because that was just the tip of the iceberg. I'm here today to present more of those Gram-isms, as I call them, for your viewing pleasure. Well, you might not find them as funny as I do, but that's pretty much par for the course when it comes to my blog entries. Anyway, today's episode of "Seniors Say the Darndest Things" centers around the bane of senior existence, the arch nemesis of the modern day senior citizen, the most difficult topic for the elderly to understand: Technology!

Okay, the first one I'm going to talk about didn't happen recently to my grandma, so it didn't technically involve a senior. It's not really that funny either, but it does set the stage for all of my grandma's future dealings with technology. It's the Rosetta stone, if you will, that shows you the first known clash of my grandma and technology. It's your classic example of a misinterpretation of technology by an older individual. After this happened to my grandma, I wouldn't have been surprised if she gave up on technology altogether. She didn't though, which just goes to show you her determination and perseverance. On with the story!

When my grandma got her first ever computer, about 15 years ago, she performed an illegal operation on it and freaked out. If you don't already know, a box pops up whenever you perform an illegal operation on a computer, which can be easily closed out of (just click close or the X). So, an illegal operation is nothing to worry about, it's just the computer's way of telling you that you performed an error. To use the technical term, it's just something that you did that doesn't feng with the shui of the computer. To my grandma, however, it meant something much much worse. To her, it was as if she robbed a bank or something else against the law. She called up my dad immediately, and told him to take the computer, because she thought that they were going to take away her nursing license. Luckily for her, and for us, my dad calmed her down and talked her into keeping the computer. Otherwise, the rest of this post probably would never have happened.

Which brings me to my next story. About a year ago, my grandma got her first ever cellphone with texting capabilities. Soon after that, my grandma texted my teenage cousin, Sara, the following message: "be sure to have Jim show you how to shit." For those of you wondering, Jim is Sara's brother (they are twins). And even though they're twins, they don't shit together, so why would my grandma text that to Sara? Well, my grandma loaned Sara her laptop, and she was trying to make sure Jim showed Sara how to shut it off. She meant to text this: "be sure to have Jim show you how to shut off the laptop." If you look at your keyboard right now, or if you know the keyboard really well, you can see how she made that mistake. She hit the i key, when she really meant to hit the u key. Now, a typo normally isn't a problem for those of us with younger eyes. When you're a senior, however, you sometimes hit the send key, when you actually mean to hit the backspace key and correct your error. That's what happened to my grandma. Little did she know, the texting world is fraught with typos, but none as hilarious as that one.

The next story also involves cellphones. My grandma once left the following message on my sister's voice mail: "be sure to come over tomorrow and pick up some hobo stool" (I'm paraphrasing here, I don't remember the exact wording of the message). If you're unsure of what hobo stool could possibly mean, let me clarify it for you. My grandma actually meant to say hobo stew. It's something that my grandma makes after she cooks a roast. I'm not exactly sure what's in it, other than beef/pork, potatoes and carrots, but both my sister and grandma love it. Personally, I don't like it because I like to eat my foods separately, not all mixed together (I'm weird like that, sue me). Oh, and before you say, "maybe she really did say hobo stew, it just got cut off in the voice message and sounded like hobo stool." Well, I'm here to tell you that that wasn't the case. I was in listening distance when she left that message, so I heard her say hobo stool as clear as a bell. And I know that those kind of things happen to everyone, but not as frequently as they happen to my grandma.

Okay, the next one has to do with the Comcast cable company. Recently, my grandma has been having a lot of problems with her cable service, especially her television. So, she called up the phone number, 1-800-Comcast, expecting to talk to a customer service representative. Well, her expectations were not met. Ben Stein answered her call by saying, "Hello, this is Ben Stein..." (or something to that effect). She then hung up the phone, thinking that she dialed the wrong number (and she did this multiple times). For those of you who don't know, Comcast currently promotes their service with Shaq and Ben in their commercials, so I guess they used to play a recording of Ben Stein whenever you called their number. I called the above number, just now, and they no longer have that recording (probably because it confused the hell out of people). So, while I do agree that this is something that could happen to anyone, those kind of things seem to happen to my grandma all of the time.

Okay, this last one is how I got the title of this post. When talking to my friend Joe and me last week, my grandma referred to Facebook as Spacebook. She must have overheard us talking about it and thought that we said Spacebook instead of Facebook. Well, I told my brother this today, and he pointed out to me that it is a combination of MySpace and Facebook, which is something I didn't think of. I just figured that since space and face rhyme, that's probably how she got it. Now that my brother pointed that out to me though, I think that my grandma might be on to something. This could be the next billion dollar idea for a social networking site. Just think of the possibilities. Spacebook: Step into the future of social networking! It sounds so hip and futuristic, which is what the kids go for these days. I hope nobody reads this and steals my idea....

I'm going to end this post the same way that I ended my previous post about my grandma. I know that it sort of sounds like I'm making fun of my grandma, but I'm not. I love her to death. She is one of the few people that can make me laugh on a consistent basis. She even says to me that she's glad she can bring so much joy into my life by saying and doing these things. She won't be around forever, but the memories she has given me will last for as long as I live.

Blue Eyed Peas

There used to be a show called "Kids Say the Darndest Things," hosted by one of my heroes, Bill Cosby. Well, I think I have an idea for a new show: "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." Now, I'm not talking about high school or college seniors. I'm talking about older people, age 60 or older. Let me present to you some of the gems my grandma has said to me over the past couple years.

The one I'm going to start off with will explain the title of this post. So, I guess the Black Eyed Peas performed on some television show last week. I think it was the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show, but my grandma said that wasn't it, but whatever. My grandma tuned in to whatever show it was, expecting the Black Eyed Peas to be something they weren't. She thought that she was tuning in to a performance of the Blue Man Group. You know, the earless and hairless guys painted blue, who bang on drums and do whatever the hell else they do (Here's a Google search if you don't know what I'm talking about). She had no idea what was going on, and she told me that she kept thinking, "but they are black, not blue." I laughed hysterically at this and explained her mistake. I can only imagine what she was thinking as she watched the performance. Oh, and I also told her that I thought only two of the Black Eyed Peas are black (I'm not sure myself, I don't care for their music).

The word black provides a nice segue into my next segment of "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." You know how Taco Bell used to have those Black Jack Tacos? I say used to because the one I go to doesn't have them anymore, but I'm not sure if that's true of all Taco Bell's. In any event, Taco Bell ran commercials offering a free Black Taco as a promotion during Halloween this year. So I said to my grandma, "You should try one, you love tacos." She replied, "but what if the person I'm ordering it from is black, I wouldn't know how to order it." I responded, "as long as you don't call it a nigger taco, you'll be fine" (and I used the N-word, please forgive me). She decided to try it after that, and she loved them, but I guess they took them off the menu for whatever reason.

And now for something completely different. My grandma wanted to see this movie, but she didn't know the name of it. So she came to me and asked me if I could find out what it was. The only thing that she could tell me was that it was about Australia and that Jack Blackman was in it. "You mean Hugh Jackman?" I said. She wasn't sure, so I look up Hugh Jackman on The Internet Movie Database. And what's the first movie I see listed under his name? You guessed it, Australia (it was the first movie listed at the time). She so reminded me of Homer Simpson at that point. Remember when he couldn't think of the title when describing the movie Speed? Here's his quote: "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" Go on and tell me that doesn't sound similar to what my grandma said!

Well, there are a few more, but that's all I have time for tonight. Maybe I'll type some more another time. And I know that it sort of sounds like I'm making fun of my grandma, but I'm not. I love her to death. She is one of the few people that can make me laugh on a consistent basis. She even says to me that she's glad she can bring so much joy into my life by saying and doing these things. She won't be around forever, but the memories she has given me will last for as long as I live.