Ken's Guide to Keeping Away Vampires

With the rapid approach of Halloween, I'm often asked how to keep away vampires. Oh, and before we begin, we're not talking about those lame-ass "sparkling" vampires from the Twilight series of books. We're talking about real, blood sucking, obsessive-compulsive, garlic-fearing vampires. So, if you're looking for a foolproof way to remain among the living this Halloween, read on.

Please have the following items on hand (in order of use)

• A goat


• A Snuggie (or some type of robe)


• A knife


• A piece of chalk


• A chair that spins


• A mirror


• A bulb of garlic

Okay, before we begin, please make sure you're in a room that has enough space to do stuff. Don't do this in your closet or something. If you're a little squeamish, you might need a friend who is not to do this part.

First things first, bring your goat into the room (any livestock will work really, I just prefer to use goats). Put on your Snuggie and grab your knife (this is the gross part). Slit the goat's throat and let the blood drain onto the floor. If you can't bring yourself to kill the goat, put the goat outside and just use the piece of chalk for the next part (the ritual won't work as well, but it should work well enough).

Find a space of floor where you can draw something on it (preferably in the center of the room). You will be drawing a pentagram on the floor with goat's blood (or chalk, if you chickened out). If you don't know what a pentagram is, go and Google it, I'll wait. Okay, so you're back? Draw the pentagram on the floor and let it sit for five minutes (go feed the goat a tin can or something, since I know you didn't kill it).

Place your revolving chair over the pentagram. Go and grab your mirror, sit in the chair, and start spinning counter-clockwise. I know some of you kids don't know what counter-clockwise is, with the advent of digital time, so just spin (again, the ritual won't work as well if you spin clockwise, but it will work good enough).

Now, the next part is very important. You must shout the name BILLY MAYS three times (because we all know that three is the most magical number). Remember to keep spinning as you're shouting. If you did it right, the angel of Billy Mays will appear beside you (notice how oxiclean made his wings whiter and his halo brighter).

Stop spinning and go and get the bulb of garlic. Offer it to Billy (the coke will still be in his system, he'll probably think it's an apple). After Billy is done eating the garlic, tell him that you read that the ShamWow is better than the Zorbeez. This should get him to shout at you the virtues of the Zorbeez, filling the room with a garlicky smell. Let him go on for about 20 minutes, or until you think your room smells enough like garlic. Tell Billy that God is calling, and he'll zip straight back up to heaven.

I hope you enjoyed my instructions on how to keep away vampires. I guarantee it will work, or your money back!

Yo Obama, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish...

but Al Gore had one of the best Nobel Peace Prizes of all-time.

I know I said, just yesterday, that I don't care about politics, but this has bothered me ever since I first heard about it. Let me start off by saying that I don't watch the news. I can't stand it, it does more harm than good, in my opinion. I mention the fact that I don't watch the news because I know some people may think that I heard it from a certain news source, or news channel, or what have you, and they will then assume that my opinion is effected by a certain media bias. Let me assure you though that this is not the case. I heard about this from people's statuses on Facebook.

With that out of the way, let me tell you what really bothered me. The people who were complaining about it, which were quite a few. Now, you may be saying to your self, "self, why is Ken complaining about people complaining about something he doesn't care about?" That is a very valid question. The reason for that is this. I don't think any of the people complaining can name five Nobel Peace Prize winners in the last 10 years. Probably not even 5 out of the last 50 years, but I use the 10 year time period to compare it to something (oh, and no being a smart-ass and Googling it either).

In the last ten years, I can name you five teams that won the Super Bowl:

2009: Pittsburg Steelers
2008: New York Giants
2007: Indianapolis Colts
2006: Pittsburg Steelers
2005: New England Patriots

In the last ten years, I can name you five teams that won the World Series:

2008: Philadelphia Phillies
2007: Boston Red Sox
2006: St. Louis Cardinals (This one hurts to remember)
2005: Chicago White Sox
2004: Boston Red Sox

Now, you may be saying that I merely looked these up on the Internet, but I can assure you that I did not. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, and then I went on the Internet to verify that I was right (I was). You may also be saying that I only named teams from the last five years, which is true. However, the reason for that is simple. I didn't really get in to football and baseball until around five years ago, give or take. So, to quell your opposition, I'll give you the following example.

In the last fifteen years, I can name you five teams that won the Stanley Cup:

1995: New Jersey Devils (THE PAIN)
1996: Colorado Avalanche (Ditto)
1997: Detroit Red Wings
1998: Detroit Red Wings
1999: Dallas Stars

Oh, and if you're not happy with the Detroit Red Wings being in there twice:

2000: New Jersey Devils
2001: Colorado Avalanche
2002: Detroit Red Wings

At this point, you're probably wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, I'm going to tell you. I actually care about football, baseball and hockey. Those of you who complained about Obama, however, do not care about who wins the Nobel Peace Prize. You probably care more about who is going to be on Dancing With the Stars or who is sleeping with who on [Insert TV Show You Watch Here]. Not that there's anything wrong with caring about those things, they just aren't the things that I care about. Just like who wins the Nobel Peace Prize isn't one of the things you care about, so why complain about it?

You may now be saying that Obama didn't deserve to win it, I know some people said that on Facebook. How would you know though? Do you know what it takes to win the Nobel Peace Prize? I highly doubt that you do, seeing as how you probably couldn't name five people who won it in the past. I know that I couldn't name five myself, so I guess you could argue that I'm just projecting myself onto other people, and drawing conclusions from it. I just don't think that's the case though.

I have two final things to say before I end this entry. My grandma told me that Obama is planning on donating the money he's receiving for this to charity. So, before you complain some more in my comments, think about that. And finally, check out this amusing video I found on YouTube a few weeks ago:

YouTube Video

You know what they say, always leave them laughing.

HE'S BACK

Well everyone, I've decided to start updating the blog again.

I was re-reading a bunch of my old blog posts and I got the itch to start it back up.

Man, how things have changed with me. I can't believe I used to care so much about politics, lol. I guess it was that Political Science class I took back in 2004. Now? I couldn't care less about it. Oh, and looking back on those posts, I am kind of embarrassed by it a little bit. I probably wasn't as well informed as I thought I was, and I kind of sounded like a guy wearing a tinfoil hat, paranoid about the government.

Consider this dusey of a claim:

"...if Bush is reelected (and I use the term reelected here loosely), there will be a draft during his second term. If I am wrong, you can come back here and ridicule me. Don't worry, I can take the heat." - Me

I made this claim on October 19th, 2004. Boy, was I wrong. I don't even remember typing this. Luckily, not many people read my blog, lol. This brings me to the reason I'm starting it back up. I know not many people will read it, but I'm doing it for me. I thoroughly enjoyed re-reading my old posts, even though I cringed at some of them. They showed me how I thought, what I thought, and how I have changed today. I guess that is the purpose of a journal/diary, which is what this is, except it is for all the world to see (if they so choose).

Now, I'm not saying that my thoughts are groundbreaking, earthshattering, or anything like that. I know that I'm probably not original or special in anyway whatsoever. But even so, I used to enjoy doing this and I'm going to try doing it again! So until next time, you stay classy San Diego.