Racism in Nature and in Language

Well, I said I was going to post this last night, but I didn't get a chance to finish it. Better late than never though, as the kids say. Here it is.

I now have something for you that I've been working on for quite some time. I've been noticing a lot of racism in today's society lately. You see it in the government especially. It's just a bunch of white guys running the world basically. But hey, I have no problem with that anymore. In fact, I've come to expect it. However, there are still some things that you never quite expect. It has recently come to my attention that nature has a lot of inherent racism in it. I guess you could say that it's nature's nature to be racist. In addition to that, the English language also has a lot of racism rooted in many words and phrases. If you have no ideal what I'm talking about, keep on reading.

Racism in Nature
Let's start with white water rapids. I'd like to know where in the hell all the black water rapids are? You have no clue either? I'll tell you where they are then. The white water rapids are keeping the black water rapids down. They are keeping the black water rapids down at the bottom. Yeah, that's where they are. I mean, when is the last time you got to go black water rafting? Never. That's wrong, it needs to change, and that's just one example of racism in nature.

Have you ever noticed how beautiful white clouds are? Yeah, they are just great. Picture this. You're sitting there on the edge of a hillside. Not a care in the world, just looking up at the clouds. So white and fluffy, like marshmellows. You are just sitting there, beginning to see the shape of a dragon in one cloud, and suddenly it happens. The clouds begin to darken. Those once beautiful white clouds slowly transform, until they become dangerous black clouds. For some reason, you no longer seem interested in cloud watching. You check your wallet, making sure it's still there. You then decide to make a b-line to your car, running in fear because you think one of the black clouds is going to jack it. Again, that's wrong, and it needs to change. I mean really, what's the beef with black clouds? Sure, they may rain on us more often than white clouds, but that isn't any reason to hate them. And yeah, their lightning bolts are a lot bigger than the white clouds, but you can't hate them for that either. I guess you could say that every black cloud has a silver lining. Consider that the next time you give a dirty look to a black cloud for talking loudy during a movie.

Staying on the topic of things in the sky. Have you ever noticed how simply amazing the nighttime sky looks? Everyone notices the beauty that they can see in the stars. So wonderful with their white, yellow, and red colors. However, the backdrop of those stars often goes unappreciated. I'm talking about the blackness of space here. And when I talk about the blackness of space, it fills me up with soul. And when I'm filled with soul, I usually gag a few times. But this time, I'm going to break into verse.

The blackness of space never gets any credit
And really the stars are indebted
To the blackness of space

Where else would the stars glow
If it wasn't for the fro
Of the blackness of space

And those shooting stars you see
It's just a killing spree
Coldly committed by the blackness of space

Oh, and where did the moon go
The horizon, it is below
Getting cornholed by the blackness of space

But don't you dare fear
The Sun will soon be here
To take away the blackness of space

And that was my poem dedicated to the blackness of space. I hope you enjoyed it.

Speaking of space, how about black holes? For some reason, black holes continue to get a bad rap, but who are we to judge? As most of you already know, the gravitational field of a black hole is so strong that not even light can escape it. Many people hate black holes for that reason and that reason only. But really, is being that attractive necessarily a crime? I mean, us white holes would kill to be that attractive. We would kill for it. To be fair though, we should just embrace our black hole brothers and realize that some of our white hole sisters prefer them over us. I mean, have you ever seen a white hole dance? Yeah, it isn't pretty. So let's all raise our glasses and give a toast to black holes. They may be the end of us, but at least they aren't at the end of us pounding us in the ass. That kind of thing does go on in the prison system though. With that in mind, just a word of advice before I go on. Don't drop the soap in prison. Because if you drop, there is one thing that won't espace your white hole, and we're not talking about light here....

I would now like to talk about something that is very near and dear to me. Mixed animals. Oh, what a terrible life they have to lead. Never fully embraced by either community, they are shunned by both of their respective peers. Their black brothers want nothing to do with them because they are part white and their white brethren want nothing to do with them because they are part black. It's horrible, really. With that on your conscience, I would now like to recognize the hardships of the following mixed animals:

• Zebras, the illegitimate offspring of black stallions and white mares. Their father is hung like a horse, but he doesn't stick around for very long. Meanwhile, their salt whore mother doesn't have a paying job and is on welfare. It must suck to be a zebra in today's society. Not only do you get fucked by lions, but you have a broken home to go back to if you survive. Terrible, I say, just terrible.
• Penguins, the mutated offspring of black crows and white doves. Not really much to say about penguins. They seem better adapted to their surroundings than the other mixed animals. I suspect that it has something to do with the way they walk. I heard on the National Geographic channel that they waddle because of all the anal sex they partake in. True story. I mean, you'd be waddling to if you got ass raped as much as penguins do.
• Pandas, the love child of black bears and polar bears. The most endangered mixed animal on this list. They eat bamboo and don't like to have sex. Sounds a lot like my (nonexistent) girlfriend. But with all kidding aside, Panda bears are a very majestic animal. And by majestic, I mean worthless. Like I said, they do nothing but eat bamboo and lounge around all day long. It is only a matter of time before the Panda bear goes the way of the dodo. And I say good riddance. I mean really, who needs Panda bears?
• Cows, orgins unknown. I'm not quite sure which two animals a cow comes from. It is one of the great mystery's of the world. There is not much research in this field, so it is tough to figure out. I do like cows though. Milk is good. I mean, who doesn't like milk? And don't you dare mention those lactose intolerant pussies. What a bunch of bastards they are. So fucking intolerant. Can't accept cows for who the are and what they have. I spit on them. Okay, that's enough about that. I can't udder anymore more words about cows. Get it? Udder. Oh man, I crack myself up. I'M A FREAKING RIOT!

Enough about racism in nature, moving on. I would now like to talk about racism in the English language.

Racism in the English Language
Has anyone else wondererd why it is perfectly okay to tell a little white lie, and yet, it isn't okay to blackmail someone? Am I the only one who see the irony in that? I mean, come on. Just because something is white, doesn't make it right. And just because something is black, doesn't make it wrong. In my opinion, it should either be perfectly okay to tell a little white lie/blackmail someone or it should be wrong on both accounts. I'm tired of the double standard. I know you're sick of it as well. It's time to take a stand here people. Let's stick it to the man.

And another thing. How about the expression, you aren't the brightest crayon in the box? What racist bastard came up with that? I mean, what crayon do you think they're talking about when they say that? Certainly not the white crayon, nor the yellow crayon, nor the red crayon. They are talking about the black crayon and that's wrong. It's bad enough that the black crayon is often times segregated in the slums of the crayon box, amongst the other shady crayons. That's bad enough as it is. And yet, the black crayon is constantly assaulted with the aforementioned expression. Please everyone. Do me a favor, do black crayons everywhere a favor, and stop using this expression. Also, ridicule everyone you hear using this expression. Explain to them what I've explained to you. Thank you.

With the recent release of the sixth Harry Potter book, it seems that just about everyone is infatuated with magic. That is all well and good, but I think you all are missing the point here. Do any of you realize what the Harry Potter series is really implying? It is implying that black magic is bad. I mean, come on. The kids take a class called defense against the dark arts. The dark arts. What's so wrong with the dark arts? Why can't black magic be good? Is it really so wrong to practice black magic? Who are we to judge what kind of magic is good and what kind of magic is bad? Will I ever stop asking rhetorical questions? Not likely. Anyways, my point remains the same. What is so wrong with black magic? Inquiring minds want to know.

And another thing. Why is it that you blacklist someone when they gain your disapproval and you want to punish them? Why wouldn't you whitelist them? I mean, what color is paper normally? Is it not white? Sure, sometimes paper is yellow, but that is neither here nor there. In my whole entire life, I've never seen a piece of black paper, aside from cardboard paper. So why then, why do we blacklist someone? Why do most terms with the word black in them have negative connotations? Sure, there are some terms, such as little black book, that represent a good thing, but those are few and far between. Why is that? I am now making it my life's work to replace the term blacklist with whitelist. I think I've made a very persassive argument for why it makes more sense. I encourage you to follow my lead. You'll be making the world a better place. And just think of the kids.

Alright, moving right along. What's up with the term dealing on the black market? You know, the place where you buy and sell illicit goods. Why is it that only illicit goods are sold on the black market? I'll tell you why. It's the man bringing the black market down. The man is too uptight, too rigid, to allow these so called illicit goods on the white market. And to that, I say this. Don't panic, it's organic. It comes from the Earth, man. And nevermind the fact that various poisonous plants come from the Earth. Nevermind the man behind the curtain. I wouldn't want to kill your buzz, man. I wouldn't want to trip all over you trip, so to speak. I wouldn't want to crap in your pot brownies. Here's the thing. To all you idiots that like to claim that pot isn't harmful to you because it comes from the Earth, consider what I'm saying. Just because something comes from the Earth doesn't make it good for you. In fact, like I said, various plants/berries that come from the GOD DAMN EARTH are bad for you. Why don't you grow the fuck up and come up with another excuse for your addiction. Okay, I went a little off track there, but that needed to be said.

I am now on the tail end of this update. I will make a few more futile attempts at being funny, so please stay with me. I have just a few more examples of racism in language. So please, consider the following:

• Black eyes. Is it possible for a black person to get a black eye? Someone get back to me on that.
• Black cats. Why are they considered bad luck? Why aren't white cats considered bad luck as well? Why aren't all cats considered bad luck? I'm more of a dog person, if you can't already tell.
• My dentist recently told me to stop drinking black pop. I told him to fuck off. I was all like, just because the pop I drink is black doesn't make it bad for my teeth. Then I kicked him in the shin, called him a racist bastard, and then started to walk away. He wasn't too happy with me and started to say something, but I turned around and cut him off. I SAID GOOD DAY SIR, I shouted at him. I was never allowed back at that place again. True story.
• The Black Plague. Also known as the Black Death. Also known as the Bubonic Plague. Okay, for one, how many god damn names does this plague need to have. I mean, I know it was one of the deadliest plagues ever, but come on. Enough is enough. Three names is just way too many. And for two, again with the black. Why does one of the deadliest plagues in the history of mankind have to have the color black associated with it? I'm kidding, of course. I do realize that it was called the Black Plague because of the black spots it produced on the skin of its victims. What do you think I am, an idiot? Don't answer that.
• Black flag. Actually, I like the black flag because I associate it with pirates. No further quarrels.

Well, it's been a long and hopefully rewarding journey. I'm glad you've made it this far. I thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read my ramblings. Until next time, this is Ken Schweigel signing off.