Calendar Idea

In my opinion, Easter is the strangest holiday of the year.  It's about a guy who died and then somehow rose from the dead three days later, which isn't something I can relate to.  There's also a huge lead up to it and it can fall anywhere between March 22 and April 25 (using the Gregorian calendar and Western Christianity).  And not many people I know can explain why that is either.  If Christmas is the same day every year, why can't Easter be as well?  Well, for one, Zombie Jesus (all he wants to do is eat your brains) would be pissed if we changed the day of his birth every year.  And for two, the day of Easter is calculated based off of the moon. More specifically, Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox (the first day of spring).  So, you see, Christians worship the moon as well as the son (rimshot).  I promise, that will be the last bad joke in this post (not really).  Enough about religion though.  I came here today to talk about an idea I have for a new calendar.  What's wrong with the current calendar, you ask?  Please read on to find out.

For starters, the number of days in each month is all over the place.  Some months have 31 days, some have 30 days and one has 28 (and sometimes 29) days.  How do you think February feels being the shortest month every year?  I'll tell you how it feels. Like an Asian guy in the locker room at the gym.  The months with 31 and 30 days, we'll call them the black and white months, laugh at the yellow month that is February.  February feels inadequate and less of a month because it's always the shortest.  So, how do we solve February's inferiority complex?  Well, I'm glad you asked.  What I want to do with the calendar can be summed up in one simple phrase.

Separate but Equal (well, almost)

In order to put the calendar in line with my vision, we must separate the months into 28 day segments.  If we divide the number of days in a typical year, 365, by 28 days, we end up with 13 months and a remainder of 1 day.  And since I'm not completely trying to reinvent the wheel here, the number of days in a year will remain the same, which means one month will have an additional day (or two, in the case of a leap year).  Where do we put the extra day(s) though?  Well, you could really pick any month for this, but I'm going to choose December.  It's still the last month of the year in my calendar, and I feel that people need the extra time around the holidays.

I know what a lot of you out there in Internet land are thinking right now.  What about this 13th mystery month and, more importantly, isn't 13 considered to be an unlucky number? Well, I've got you superstitious folks covered here.  In order to combat the perceived unluckiness surrounding the number 13th, we'll call this month Lucky.  And we'll even have a day during this month, on the 13th of course, called Lucky Day.  Lucky Day will be a day where we celebrate all the good fortune we've had the previous year.  It will be a day where even the most unluckiest person in the world can feel lucky.  And, like any other made-up holiday, it will give stores a reason to have a sale.  Lucky Day will boost the moral of the common man and also help stimulate the economy (it's really a win-win situation for everyone).  I'm sure more details will flesh themselves out as the day reaches national prominence, but that's the basic idea behind it.

Okay, now that we've determined the name of the 13th month, and even given it a holiday, when does it occur during the year?  Well, that depends on when you want to get lucky.  Do you like it when you get lucky at the beginning, middle or end?  Personally, I like to shove things in the middle, to make it tight and uncomfortable for everyone involved (wait, what?).  With that in mind, I propose that we put the month of Lucky between June and July.  To me, it's the most logical place for the month.  It will make Lucky the seventh month of the year, and we all know that seven is the luckiest number ever.  This will further wash away the unlucky stink of the new month and help people associate it with glittering unicorns, double rainbows and lucky charms cereal.

I know this new calendar will take some getting used to, especially when you consider that certain days will no longer exist anymore.  I mean, what happens to people who were born on the 29th, 30th and 31st.  When do they celebrate their birthdays now?  And for that matter, since I'm adding a month and changing around the number of days in each month, what happens to all those other important days we celebrate throughout the year?  I have two solutions to address this problem, but I'm not sure which one people will like more (or hate less).  My gut instinct is to allow everyone who celebrates a special occasion on the 1st through the 28th to keep celebrating it on that day, even though you won't technically be celebrating it on the correct day (unless it occurs in January).  You won't be too far off though, around a couple of weeks at most, with the majority being off by less than that.  This doesn't address what to do with the people who have had their days eliminated though, and it isn't very fair to them either, so my other solution is to convert everyone's special occasion to the new corresponding day.  This is fairer to everyone, and a lot less confusing in the long run, so it's the method I prefer.  If you'd like to see when your birthday (or other important day) will occur under my new calendar system, please click on the corresponding months below:

• January, February, March

• April, May, June

• July, August, September

• October, November, December

The advantages of my new calendar system are numerous.  From January through December of every year, each month will start on exactly the same day of the week and each day thereafter will occur on exactly the same day of the week too.  For example, if January starts on a Sunday, December will start on a Sunday as well.  This is because each month has 28 days (except December), so the pattern will last until December 29th.  Once December 29th rolls around (or the 30th on leap years), it will shift the day of the week ahead one day (or two) the following January.  This pattern will then repeat itself every year, until the end of time.

Another advantage concerns the calendars you get or buy every year to keep track of your day to day activities.  You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind with a picture above the layout of each month?  Invariably, every year, your birth month ends up having one of the shittier pictures of the bunch.  Well, under my system, you won't have to put up with shitty pictures any longer!  Just pick your favorite picture, cross out the name of the month beneath it and write your birth month in its place.  It's that simple.  You'll have to do some finagling the rest of the year to complete the calendar, but it's a small price to pay for the picture you deserve.

I am of the opinion that we, as humans, need to get back to our primitive, animalistic roots.  We need to start singing with all the voices of the mountain again.  We need to get back to running the hidden pine trails of the forest.  We need to hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon like we have in the past.  In short, we need to relearn how to paint with all the colors of the wind.  My calendar allows us to do just that because it more closely corresponds with the moon and the female menstrual cycle.  According to my research (yes, I just went Magic School Bus on your ass), the moon and the female menstrual cycles are closely related.  In fact, some women mirror the moon exactly, which takes 29.5 days (on average) to complete its cycle.  With my calendar having twelve 28 day long months (and one month that is either 29 or 30 days), it is much more in tune with these cycles than the current Gregorian calendar.  It allows us to go through a similar cycle each month, which brings us closer to the natural world.  And if that doesn't seal the deal for you, I don't know what will.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading the endless ramblings on my calendar idea.  I know it was a bit incoherent and confusing at times, but you are reading the Diary of a Motor City Madman after all.  Until next time, you stay classy, Detroit.

It's Friday, Friday

Every now and then, you come across a song that is pure lyrical genius.  Rebecca Black's Friday is just such a song.  If you haven't heard it yet, prepare your ears for musical bliss.  If you're currently listening to anything else right now, please be sure to cleanse your ear palate by listening to the ocean (either the song by Led Zeppelin, or the actual ocean, your choice) or something else equally soothing.  Okay, are you ready?  No you're not, but that's okay.  No one is their first time.

Rebecca Black - Friday

It's just one of those things that's so bad, it's good, isn't it?  And after listening to the above masterpiece, I think it's time for another one of my not so famous YouTube video breakdowns.  You do remember my previous breakdown of the Double Rainbow video, don't you?  Yeah, me neither.  Anyway, this breakdown is going to be similar to that, with a lot of the same jokes, only better! Here we go.

The video starts off with what is presumably a brief rundown of Rebecca Black's week.  She studies on Sunday for the test on Monday (makes sense).  She gets more homework on Tuesday.  She has music practice on Wednesday, but who needs practice when you have autotune?  Her essay is due on Thursday.  Finally, it's Friday, it's time to get down and the song officially starts.

She wakes up in the morning at 7 AM.  She's gotta be fresh, meaning she's having problems with vaginal odor, so she goes downstairs (urbandictionary.com will help with some of my lamer jokes).  She's gotta have her bowl, which is most definitely slang for pot.  The pot gives her the munchies, so she has cereal.  She's seeing everything, the time is going and ticking on and on.  To her, everybody's rushing, but I think we all know what's really happening here (pot can have time altering effects on people).  She soon realizes that she's gotta get down to the bus stop to catch her bus.  Although, I don't know why she's at the bus stop when she's clearly waiting for her friends to pick her up.  Maybe she has the hots for the school bus stalking pedophile that you'll hear rap near the end of the video?

She sees her friends kicking in the front seat and sitting in the back seat.  She's gotta make her mind up on a very difficult decision (ah, to be young again).  Which seat can she take?  She clearly has no regard for shotgun rules though.  I mean, seriously?  There's only one seat open, Rebecca, and it's in the back.  Why would you even contemplate which seat to take when there's already someone in the front seat?  Do you really think you're that big of a star?  Well, let me go ahead and explain one of the cardinal rules of shotgun to you, missy, since you obviously aren't familiar with them.  If there's somebody already in the front seat, you shouldn't even consider taking it (unless you also consider blowing the driver, of course).

Anyway, on with the chorus!  It appears to be Friday because she says so twice.  She's gotta get down on Friday.  Everybody's looking forward to the weekend.  I wonder what the reason for that could be?  Oh, here it is.  Partying, partying, yeah!  Partying, partying, yeah!  Fun, fun, fun, fun.  I guess that's the reason why she's looking forward to the weekend.  Mystery solved.

It's 7:45, she's got her whore hoops in and she's driving with her friends on the highway.  They're cruising so fast, she wants time to fly (possibly another drug reference).  Fun, fun, think about fun, she says.  You know what it is, she says.  Oh, I think I know what it is (giggity, giggity).  It's hard to tell how old you are though with all that eyeshadow on.  I got this, you got this, you say?  Your friend is by your right, you say?  Well actually, I'd prefer you and your friend on the left, but my granddad always said that rapers can't be choosers.  I got this, you got this and now I know it.  You'll be kicking in the front seat and I'll be sitting in your back seat, if you know what I mean.  And after I'm done with you, you won't have to make your mind up on which seat to take because it will hurt to sit down for a while....

More chorus!  So it's Friday, Friday.  She's gotta get down on Friday (more like go down, am I right?) .  Everybody's looking froward to the weekend, weekend.  It's Friday, Friday (didn't we already cover this?).  She's getting down on Friday.  Everybody's looking froward to the weekend.  Partying, partying, yeah!  Partying, partying, yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun.  Looking forward to the weekend.  Well, at this point in the video/song, I'm just about ready to have a seizure.  I'm not sure if it's because of the mind numbing lyrics, or the flashing background that comes up next, but I really think that this video should have a seizure warning.

Here's the part of the song where we learn about the other days of the week besides Friday (what's next, her times tables?).  She says that yesterday was Thursday and today it is Friday.  She keeps saying we so excited to emphasis how excited she is.  I guess I can understand that because I was excited when I first learned the days of the week myself.  Before I knew them like clockwork, I had to look up a girl's dress everyday just to be sure what day of the week it was.  And when that girl finally stopped wearing those days of the week underwear, I couldn't rely on that method anymore.  It was still exciting for me though because she forgot to wear underwear on that day.  Anyway, the song goes on to talk about how she's gonna have a ball today (maybe even two, on her chin, if you know what I mean).  She says tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.  She doesn't want this weekend to end.  I think I speak for everyone, however, when I say I desperately want this song to end.

Thankfully, it's almost over because this is where the black pedophile shows up to rap (and rape). He says Rebecca Black's initials and name to establish his street cred with the kids.  He talks about chilling in the front seat and also something about the back seat, which I can only assume is a metaphor for dry anal rap (I'm repeating my jokes, just like this song repeats lyrics!).  He's driving and cruising in the fast lane, switching in and out of lanes.  Basically, he's driving around town, like an asshole, looking for the Jailbait High school bus.  He says there's a car up on his side, so at least he's checking his blind spot. 

He finally finds the school bus, claiming that it was "passing by" in front of him, as if it's some strange coincidence (we all know damn well that he was out there looking for it).  And after referring to said school bus, he says that it makes tick tock wanna scream (I think I read in Rapist Weekly that tick tock is the nickname he gave his penis).  Oh, and in case you weren't paying attention throughout the song, he checks the time just to make sure what day it is.  It's Friday, it's a weekend and he's going to have fun (of the statutory rape variety, no doubt).  His parting words are c'mon y'all, which I suspect is his final warning to everybody on the school bus that he's going to come on them all (although I don't speak Ebonics, so I could be wrong).

I'll spare you the rest of the song because it's more chorus.  Just know that it's Friday and she's gotta get down because she's been looking forward to partying and having fun on the weekend.  That pretty much sums it up.

Well, that's my breakdown of the Rebecca Black song Friday.  I hope you made it through the entire song without attempting to kill yourself.  And if you did, congratulations!  I award you 100 internets and an all expenses paid trip to the mental institute.  You're going to need it, especially if the song gets stuck in your head.

And speaking of getting the song stuck in your head, I'm going to leave you with a few awesome covers of the aforementioned song (and also an orchestral version).  These tributes to what is, quite possibly, the worst song in the world really turn shit into gold.  Enjoy!

Cover by Matt Mulholland - The Dark Side of Friday

Cover by Nick and Vinny - Brutal Metal Cover

Cover by Peter and Dante - An Epic Upbeat Cover

Arranged by Walt Ribeiro - For Orchestra Version

Phrases I Can't Stand: Everything Happens for a Reason

Imagine, if you will, that's you're a reverend.  Your wife was recently involved in a horrific accident in which some guy fell asleep at the wheel and hit her while she was taking a walk.  She was pinned between a tree and the car, just about severing her in half.  There was nothing the paramedics could do for her, other than keep her alive just long enough for you to talk to her one last time.  Her death caused you to question your faith and, subsequently, you no longer practice your religious profession.  In fact, you aren't even religious anymore.  You now live on a farm with your brother, who used to be a minor league baseball player that never quite made it to the majors because of his penchant for always swinging for the fences (striking out a lot as a consequence).  You also live with your asthmatic Macaulay Culkin look-a-like son and your adorable little daughter who has this quirky behavior of leaving unfinished glasses of water all over the house (what's up with that?).  And now, as if life wasn't difficult enough, some jokesters are making crop circles in your cornfields.  It's probably just that rascal Lionel Pritchard and the Wolfington Brothers, you think.

Well, as it turns out, those crop circles weren't the prank of some misguided teenagers with nothing better to do in the hick town that you live in.  They were created by intelligent poisonous gas secreting extraterrestrials.  And now there's one trying to get into your house!  He's climbing in your windows, he's snatching your people up.  And by people, I mean your son.  The alien has your son, who is scared shitless and having an asthma attack, in his arms and is about to administer the poisonous spray of death.  As you and your family stare this monster in the face, you remember your wife's dying words.  "Tell Merrill to swing away."  Merrill is your brother with the harelip, in case you forgot.  You tell your brother to swing away, so he grabs his record setting baseball bat that is conveniently hanging overhead on the wall in the living room.  But just as he moves in for the kill, the alien sprays the poison into your son's face (to be fair to the alien though, you did chop off his fingers earlier in the movie).  Your daughter screams and all hope is lost.  Or is it?

Your brother attacks the alien with the bat and gets him to drop your son.  You remove your son out of harms way just as your brother connects with a swing that sends the alien flying into a table.  The table has a glass of water on top of it and the water spills out onto the alien's shoulder. Remember that weird habit your daughter has of leaving unfinished glasses of water everywhere?  Well, apparently, the aliens didn't do their research and came to a planet that is made up of 70% water, despite the fact that it's like burning acid to them (I guess they're smart enough for interstellar space travel, but not smart enough to realize that it's not a good idea to come to a planet where the inhabitants are water based creatures).  You take your son outside to administer his asthma medication while your brother finishes off the alien.

After your close encounter with perhaps the universe's dumbest species of alien, you come to the realization that everything happened for a reason.  You son had asthma so that his lungs would be closed when the alien sprayed the poison in his face.  Your daughter had a discerning taste for water so that her unfinished glasses would be in position around the house to be used as a weapon against the space invader.  Your brother never made it to the majors so that he could come live with you and use his skill of "swinging away" to save you and your children from certain death.  Your wife had to die so that you would remember her dying words when you were too panic-stricken to act or even think straight.  With that revelation from God, and your faith fully restored, you return to your calling as a reverend.

If you haven't already figured it out, the above scenario is from the movies Signs.  And while I think it is a decent movie, I don't agree with the conclusion of the movie.  I don't believe that everything happens for a reason.  In fact, it's one of the many phrases that I can't stand.  

Case in point, the recent tragedy in Japan.  Why did that happen?  What was the reason for that?  Maybe WNBA player Cappie Pondexter can shed some light on it for us. 

"What if God was tired of the way they treated their own people in there own country! Idk guys he makes no mistakes."

"u just never knw! They did pearl harbor so u can't expect anything less."

"I wanna apologize to anyone I may hurt or offended during this tragic time. I didn't realize that my words could be interpreted in the manner which they were. People that knw me would tell u 1st hand I'm a very spiritual person and believe that everything, even disasters happen 4 a reason and that God will shouldn't be questioned but this is a very sensitive subject at a very tragic time and I shouldn't even have given a reason for the choice of words I used."

Those quotes are from her twitter account.  The first two tweets are her making an ass of herself and the last one is her trying to cover her ass with a halfhearted apology.  And that last tweet precisely illustrates why I can't stand the phrase, nor that way of thinking.  The people who say and believe everything happens for a reason use it as some sort of rallying cry when bad things happen to them or in the world.  And when those seemingly inexplicable bad things happen, they have to believe that there is a good reason that they happened.  These people need to feel comforted.  They need to feel like someone, somewhere, is in control and looking out for their best interests.  They like to think that someone is God.  And according to them, God is all knowing and has a plan for everyone.  God wouldn't allow bad things to happen unless there was a good reason for it.  Well, I'm here to tell you that there are plenty of bad things that happen for absolutely no good reason at all.

Let's go back to the aforementioned current event, the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, for a moment.  What could possibly be the reason for that?  Is God just some sort of spiteful little brat with a magnifying glass, who gets his kicks from burning and killing defenseless ants?  Would that really be a loving God's modus operandi?  If God really did create everyone and everything on this planet, and loves us all despite our faults, why would he indiscriminately kill a bunch of people?  I'd like to know what all those people who died, and all the people effected by this tragedy, did to deserve what happened to them?  I'm sorry if I'm questioning God's will here, but I really think it needs to be questioned if he has any reason at all for this.

Okay, moving on to the next thing that can't possibly have a reason for happening.  SIDS, or sudden infant death syndrome.  If you're not familiar with the term, here's the medical definition:

Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is the unexpected, sudden death of a child under age 1 in which an autopsy does not show an explainable cause of death.

Why would God allow a baby to die?  There are plenty of other people out there who deserve to die a billion times more than a innocent baby.  Rapists, murderers, child abusers, Justin Bieber.  They all deserve to die more than a baby.  So what would God's reason be for killing a baby?  And really, if he ever had to kill a baby at any point in history, why couldn't that baby have been Hitler?  If God would have done that, and I somehow knew that he did it, I would gladly admit that there is a reason for SIDS.

I mentioned child abusers in the above paragraph for a reason (see what I did there?) because it provides a nice little segue to the next thing that couldn't possibly have occured for a reason.  My grandma used to work in downtown Detroit as a nurse at Children's Hospital.  She told me a story of a little boy she once took care of there.  This little boy was around the age of two and had the unfortunate circumstance of having his butt placed on a red hot stove coil by his father.  And this wasn't an accident, oh no.  His father deliberately put him on the stove as punishment for some wrong that the little boy committed.  How could God possibly allow that to happen?  And don't hand me that bullshit about how God couldn't stop the father because people have freewill.  If you're one of those people who truly believes that God has a plan for you, and everything happens for a reason, you don't have freewill.  If the plan is already laid out for you, and everything in your life is already determined, then you don't have freewill.  So I ask again, why was a third degree ass burn (or worse) in that child's plan?  That seems like something God could have left out or, at the very least, gone back to the drawing board and revised.  And while he's back at the drawing board, I'd like to see him make an addition.  Why not have the father take out a life insurance policy on himself a few months before the child is born, and then have some drifter put a bullet in the father's head shortly thereafter?  That sounds like a pretty good plan to me.

Okay, I think those three examples are enough to illustrate my point.  And if you read all of it, you probably think I'm a cynical bastard.  Well, I guess there's really no denying that I am.  I'm just sick and tired of people's "everything happens for a reason" bullshit.  If you want to go on believing that, that's fine.  I'm not here to stop you from believing in anything you want to believe in.  Whatever helps you make in through your day. Just know that the only place where everything happens for a reason is in your mind.  Your mind is what creates the reason for things that happen, not God.  It's a coping mechanism for you, with God flavored sugar on top, to help you deal with life.  I, on the other hand, prefer to deal in the rational world where things happen for no reason at all.  It may not be as easy, but it's much more grounded in reality.

Stuff I Don't Get: Weight Watchers

I'm sorry to report that this feature of my blog doesn't have a snazzy acronym to go along with it.  SIDG, for Stuff I Don't Get, just doesn't roll off the tongue like TICS (Things I Can't Stand).  It'll have to do for now though (unless you can think of something better?).  If you can come up with a better name for this segment, please be sure to let me know in the comments.  In the meantime, I'm going to push forward with this shitty acronym of a name and talk about the weight loss program called Weight Watchers.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I have nothing against any system that helps a person lose weight (unless it does so in an unhealthy way).  As you may or may not know, I was once fat for a brief period of about three years.  In fact, it was a little over a year ago that I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps (even though I don't own any boots, or straps, or boots with straps) and started to lose some weight.  I've discussed this in multiple posts and only mention it to provide a frame of reference (so you don't think I'm a complete asshole) for those of you who have never read this blog before (look at me, I'm talking like I actually have people who do read this shit!).  Okay, now that that's out of the way, on to the Stuff I Don't Get, or SIDG (work with me here, people), about Weight Watchers.

I have a few family members who follow the Weight Watchers Points Plus Program (say those five words five times fast).  If you're not familiar with the program, let me briefly explain how it works from what I understand.  There's this magical formula that you use to determine how many points a certain food is worth.  You take the amount (in grams) of protein, carbohydrates, fat and fiber in a particular item, plug those values into the formula, and then it tells you the number of points the food is worth.  If math isn't one of your strong suits, there's a calculator that you can use to give you the answer more quickly and easily.  In my opinion, however, they should eliminate that calculator.  I mean, think about it.  If most people had to compute the worth of a given food by hand every single time they decided to eat something, don't you think that they would think twice about eating said food?  Math is hard, am I right?  That idea is free, Weight Watchers. The remainder (you'll understand that joke later...maybe) of my ideas are going to cost you though.

The amount of points you have to spend in a day varies by how much you currently weigh, your weight lose goal and probably the phase of the moon for all I know.  You also have 49 flex points to spend throughout the week (because Weight Watchers knows that people love to snack).  You can spend your allotment of weekly points and flex points in any way that you see fit.  If you feel like saving your points for the weekend in order to binge drink them away into oblivion, you can do that.  If you feel like allocating your points evenly throughout the week, you can do that too.  If you feel like being sensible with your points one day, and then the next day eating like Kirstie Alley on a Fat Tuesday (does that joke even work anymore?), you can do that as well.

The point I'm trying to get at, if you let me get to the point, is that the Weight Watchers point system provides a basic weekly guideline to point you in the right direction so that little kids no longer point and laugh at you while you're shopping at the grocery store.  Did that analogy help get my point across?  And did I mention point?  Point!  Anyway, you know how poignantly cruel kids can be.  They don't just point and laugh, oh no.  They also announce to all within earshot that you will forever haunt their thoughts and dreams because you are absolutely the fattest, most grotesque, human being they have ever laid their pathetic, miserable, godforsaken eyes on (hell truly is for children).  They then go running down the detergent aisle, or possibly the aisle where they keep the sharp pointy (oh no, not this point shit again) lawn tools, looking for something to blind themselves with, while screaming "DO YOU KNOW THE MARSHMALLOW MAN WHO LIVES ON STAY PUFT LANE."  I've seen it a hundred times

I know it sounds like I'm not a big fan of the Weight Watchers point system.  I really don't have any major problems with it though.  Well, except for one.  There are certain foods that you eat that are somehow worth zero points.  Now, to me, that is appetilogically impossible. Yes, I just made up the word appetilogically (just know that the root word of it is appetite and you'll understand where I'm coming from).   How can something that you eat be worth zero points?  To me, that is psychologically unsatisfying.  If you're ingesting something, it has to be worth something.  The argument I always have with family that follow the program is over cabbage soup.  It's supposedly worth zero points.  To them I always say, "You mean to tell me that you could eat an oil drum full of cabbage soup and it's still worth zero points?"  How is that possible?  Inquiring minds want to know.

So, if everything you eat has to be worth something, what is the solution then?  One word.  Fractions.  I don't mind if you have to make food worth a fraction of a point.  If you're getting some sort of sustenance from it, it has to be worth something.  And I also don't care if the food takes more calories to digest than it has in it.  Make it worth a negative fraction of a point then.  In my book, the only time it's possible to be consuming something worth zero points is when you're breathing air.  Other than that, make whatever it is that you're eating worth something.

I know what you're thinking.  Why unnecessarily complicate things by introducing fractions into the Weight Watchers system?  Well, I'll tell you why.  Fractions are numbers too, god damn it.  They have just as much right to be included in the system as any whole number.  It's bad enough that the numerator and denominator are separated with a divider, like some sort of mathematical Jewish Star of David.  Now you're telling me that they can't be included in a simple weight loss program?  I'd like to know your stance on mixed numbers, good sir.  I'd like to know it very much.  You're probably the type of person who believes that the whole numbers will never fully embrace mixed numbers because they are not truly whole and the fractions will never really embrace mixed numbers either because they are not fractured enough.  Well, let me tell you something, mister.  This is the 21st century we're living in.  We no longer live in a world were a number is judged by how it looks, but by the content of its character.  I have a dream....

On a more serious note, if you really have a problem with introducing fractions into the Weight Watchers system, I have a simple solution for you then.  Keep it simple.  Everything that is currently worth zero points is worth 1/10 of a point.  Everyone can count to ten, right?  Let me give you an example to help you understand.  Let's say that, on a given day, you eat 32 whole points worth of food and three items worth 1/10 of a point.  In order to get your total, you simply add on .3 of a point to the end of your 32 points to give you 32.3 points for the day.  Isn't that a much more appetilogically pleasing number than a simple 32 points?  Well, it is to me.  That fraction of a point gives a man character and puts hair on one's balls.  Besides, I just cannot stand zeroes.  They give me flashbacks to my days as a World War II fighter pilot.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my take on the Weight Watchers system.  It wasn't always easy to follow, I'm sure, but at least you tried.  Until next time, you stay classy, Detroit.

Things I Can't Stand: Weather Forecasters

As I sit here waiting for Snowgasm 2011 to unload its white wintry goodness all over me, I thought it would be as good a time as any to talk about a thing I can't stand (or TICS, for short).  What else would you expect me to do?  Go outside and make a snow devil?  Well, maybe later.  Anyway, the thing I'm going to talk about today is weather forecasters, better known as meteorologists. You shouldn't call them meteorologists though.  Read on to find out why (and more).

First off, I have a problem with calling them meteorologists.  It's basically just a self important title the weather forecaster on TV gives himself to feel like some sort of hot shot scientist.  In reality though, all the real scientists laugh at weather forecasters.  The weather forecasting profession is the red headed stepchild of the scientific community.  They aren't real scientists.  They are more like meteorological soothsayers, predicting the weather through a Doppler powered crystal ball (that actually sounds pretty cool, but it's not!).  Real scientists are out there working on a cure for AIDs or discovering the potential applications of stem cell research.  Weather forecasters, on the other hand, are looking at their Doppler radar while banging the chick that does traffic.  Is that what you would call science?  If so, sign me up!

Anyway, weather forecasters don't deserve such a distinguished sounding title.  They deserve a title that has very little dignity and that is much more in line with the actual job they do.  It's kind of like how some strippers would like to be referred to as exotic dancers.  Sure, exotic dancer sounds a lot more distinguished and dignified (and what stripper doesn't have her dignity?), but that title doesn't get down into the core of what the person actually does.  And that's why you should refer to "meteorologists" as weather forecasters.  They forecast the weather and nothing more (besides banging the bejesus out of the traffic chick, of course).

Except a weather forecaster rarely ever forecasts the weather correctly.  At least when a stripper strips, she doesn't mistakenly put on a burka and start chanting from the Koran (unless that's part of her act, which would be hot!).  Here's a quotation from Patrick Young that illustrates my point:

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.

Go ahead and name me another profession where you can get it wrong as often as a weather forecaster and still keep your job.  There aren't many, if any, out there.  Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that the stripper you asked to give you a lap dance is unable to give you an erection.  Do you think that stripper is going to keep her job for very long?  No, she would soon be out on the street looking for a new way (read: prostitution) to earn money to buy formula for her newborn baby.  And if that happened, could you live with yourself?  Would you want to be responsible for something like that?  Could you look at yourself in the mirror afterward?  Is that something you would want weighing on your conscience for the rest of your life?  No, it most certainly is not.  So please.  For the stripper's sake, and more importantly for her baby's sake, get a boner and tip her well.  And I don't care if you're not into stretch marks.  A child's life is at stake here. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, weather forecasters (I sometimes get distracted by strippers).  Another thing that bothers me is the amount of useless information the weather forecaster gives you.  Dew point? Barometric pressure?  What the hell is barometric pressure and how, exactly, does it effect my life?  Should I not take a shit today because the barometric pressure is negative 20 degrees Kelvin or however the fuck you measure it?  Who gives a rat's ass what the barometric pressure is?  Are you tired of me asking rhetorical questions yet?  I really don't know what to do with that information, so please, spare me. It's useless and pointless and has absolutely no bearing on my day.

Also, why tell me if it's partly sunny or partly cloudy?  Aren't they the exact same thing anyway?   Doesn't it just amount to the "is the glass half full or half empty" argument?  Is the sky half full or half empty today?  That's something I can determine for myself, by looking out the window, you jackass weather forecaster.  If I'm having a good day, it'll be partly sunny.  And if I'm having a bad day, it'll be partly cloudy.  Or maybe the other way around, depending on how you look at it, I guess (did I just blow your mind?).  Anyway, if it is partly cloudy or whatever you want to call it, I just want the percentage chance for rain, Mr. Weather Forecaster.  And if you're wrong about the rain, I want you to do me a favor.  You so owe me one for the number of times you've been wrong in the past.  I want you to call your wife, or gay lover, whichever way the wind blows for you (a little weather humor for you there).  I want you to promise her/him six to seven inches when you get home tonight.  And then, when you get there, only give her/him the three to four you really have.  Your wife/gay lover will then know 1/10 of the disappointment I feel every single time you tell me it's going to rain, I cancel my plans, and then it doesn't rain (or you tell me it's not going to rain, and then it does). 

Finally, I'm going to talk about temperature and how it relates to the humidity and wind chill factor.  I know you've all been waiting to hear about this (end sarcasm).  What the weather forecasters do is they tell you the temperature first before they actually tell you what it feels like outside.  You see, they give you the temperature first and then they either factor in the humidity in the summer or the wind chill in the winter.  Once they factor in those respective measurements during the applicable time of year, it then tells you what it actually feels like outside.  So here's the thing.  Why tell me what the temperature is first then?  If you're ultimately going to tell me what it actually feels like outside, just skip the part about the temperature.  It's just senseless information that adds unnecessary confusion.  I couldn't give two shits what the temperature would be outside if conditions were perfect.  If you're telling me what it feels like outside after you factor in the humidity or wind chill, you're telling me that the conditions aren't perfect.  And since the conditions aren't perfect, just take the temperature and then factor in the proper measurement to give me what it actually feels like outside.  That's all I need to know.  That's the only reading I really care about.  What it actually FEELS like outside. 

And that's something that really TICS me off about weather forecasters.  Did you see what I did there?  TICS...because this is Things I Can't Stand.

*crickets*  

Thank you...I'll be here all week.  Be sure to try the veal and don't forget to tip your stripper!

The Golden Girls Ratio

While talking to my friend Eryn the other day, I stumbled upon something that may change the face of mathematics as we know it (Disclaimer: your results may vary).  Have you ever heard of the Fibonacci Sequence?  How about the Golden Ratio?  Oh, you haven't heard of either of those two things?  Well, let me drop a little knowledge right on top of you and then I'll get back to what I discovered.

The Fibonacci Sequence is the following series of numbers:

0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, 233, 377,  ...

And it extends on to infinity (and beyond).  Do you notice the pattern here?  Oh, you don't?  Well, let me help you out then.  To get the next number in the sequence, you add the previous two numbers together.  It really is that simple.  Unfortunately, the rest of this post goes from simple to downright insanity by the end of it, so please prepare yourself for the inevitable. 

The Golden Ratio is a number that interests mathematicians, as well as artists, historians, musicians and many other people from various diverse fields.  As a number, the Golden Ratio is approximately 1.618034.  The Golden Ratio is a lot more complicated than just the number though, and I don't claim to understand all of its applications, but for the purposes of this post just understand this.  A ratio is a a number divided by another number (a proportion) and the Golden Ratio's proportion equals to approximately 1.618034.


Now, how does the Fibonacci Sequence relate to the Golden Ratio, you ask?  Oh, you didn't ask that and would rather go watch that lip-syncing midget on YouTube?  Well, be my guest, but I'm going to finish explaining this anyway.  If you take two successive numbers in the Fibonacci Sequence, their ratio gets closer and closer to the Golden Ratio as you get further and further along in the sequence.

Consider the following:

• 3/2 = 1.5
• 5/3 = 1.666...
• 8/5 = 1.6
• 13/8 = 1.625
• 233/144 = 1.618055556
• 377/233 = 1.618025751

Okay, now that I've successfully lost every last one of you, I'm going to tell you what I unearthed while talking to Eryn.  It involves the television sitcom The Golden Girls (don't ask me how we got on the subject of The Golden Girls, things like that just randomly come up).  If you're not familiar with The Golden Girls television program, let me give you a brief history of it.  The Golden Girls show aired from 1985-1992 and was one of the highest rated shows during that time.  The show was about four older women (read: senior citizens) living in a house together in Miami, Florida (in the United States, Florida is typically where most senior citizens spend their "golden years," hence the name of the show).  The show was controversial for its time because it dealt with many topical issues such as "coming out," safe sex, HIV and various other sexual things you would rather not imagine a bunch of old ladies discussing and/or partaking in (unless you're in to that, in which case you better stock up on once monthly Boniva).

The four main characters from The Golden Girls were played by the following people:

• Estelle Getty played Sophia
• Bea Arthur played Dorothy
• Rue McClanahan played Blanche
• Betty White played Rose

Surprisingly, no one was named Esther, Gertrude or Mildred.  Anyway, as you may or may not know, Betty White is the only surviving member of the four main characters from the show.  Why is this relevant, you ask?  To understand that, we must turn our attention to some somber days of death.

The following dates are the death dates of the three deceased Golden Girls:

• Estelle Getty: July 22, 2008
• Bea Arthur: April 25, 2009
• Rue McClanahan: June 3, 2010

Do you notice the pattern here?  Look very closely if you don't.  Hey, you know what? If you guys don't see the pattern here, just ring your call button, and I will come over there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard (that was from Tommy Boy).  Anyway, the year pattern should be obvious to you: 2008, 2009 and 2010.  Following that pattern, Betty White is destined to die in 2011.  And, according to my calendar, that happens to be this year!

Now, the year pattern is very easy to notice, but what about the month?  Well, we currently have deaths in April, June and July.  So, the month of May seems to be the most logical month for Betty White to die.  It completes the sequence of April, May, June and July.  And you know what I always say, golden showers bring May flowers.  You know, because you send flowers to someone when they die and Betty White was a Golden Girl.  Alright, let's pretend like I didn't just go there.  Moving right along....

Okay, so Betty White is set to die in May of 2011, but what will be the exact day she will die?  Here's where my theory gets a bit convoluted, so please bear with me.  Like most things in life, Bea Arthur holds the key to this answer (since she is the middle death).  Bea Arthur's death date was exactly 277 days after Estelle Getty's death date.  On the flip side, Bea Arthur's death date was exactly 404 days before Rue McClanahan's death date.  If you add 277 and 404 together, you get 681.  You then divide that number, 681, by two (because two is the number of bad Golden Girls episodes in existence) to get the mean (average) of 340.5.  And since you typically round up in mathematics, let's make that number 341.  Finally, if you add on 341 days to the date of June 3, 2010 (Rue McClanahan's death date), you end up with a date that falls perfectly in line with everything I've laid out before you.  The day Betty White will perish is (dun, dun, dunnnnn) May 10, 2011.

So, you see, it really is that simple.  If you use logic and mathematics, mixed with a few cups of crazy, and sprinkle in some stale satirical humor, you can uncover some truly amazing things!

Weight Loss 4,000

If you've been following my blog (and if my comment section is any indication, no one is), you might remember a post I made back in May about my weight loss goal.  If you don't remember, and you're too lazy to click on the link and read that post, I stated the following:

As of right now [this was on May 2nd], I am down to 172 pounds...

...I still have a bit of a gut, so I still want to lose more weight. My goal is to get down to 155 by the end of the summer. I don't know if it's realistic or not, but I'll be happy if I can get close.

Well, being since today marks the official end of summer, I just thought I'd check in with my current weight.  I am down to 162 pounds, and even though it's not exactly where I want to be, I'm pretty happy to be where I'm at.  I have a long way to go though and I keep telling myself that too.

Now, I don't mean I have a long way to go in terms of my weight loss goal.  I'm pretty close on that.  What I mean is that staying in shape isn't something you accomplish once and then go back to being out of shape.  It's not something you cross off your bucket list and then go back to not exercising and eating whatever the hell you want all of the time.  If it's important to you, it's something that you have to work at your whole life. I plan on living for a very long time, so I still have a long way to go.

Some of you might be wondering what I'm doing to lose weight.  Well, here's my diet and exercise regimen:

Diet

I eat pretty much the same things every day for breakfast and lunch.  One of my biggest problems is that I'm a very picky eater, but it is also a strength in this case.  Since I don't like very many things, I don't really ever get tired of the things that I do like.  For breakfast, I have a bowl of cereal (usually either Kix, Cheerios or Apple Jacks) with 2% milk, a banana and a glass of orange juice.  In between breakfast and lunch, I usually eat an energy bar that is about 150 calories or so.  For lunch, I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, either an apple or some grapes, an ounce of mozzarella string cheese and sometimes either pretzels or tortilla chips.  In between lunch and dinner, I always eat a protein bar and sometimes a handful of peanuts if I'm really hungry.

Dinner is always a wild card for me, but I almost always have a baked potatoes and either green beans or corn (because those are the only vegetables that I like).  Meat-wise, I eat chicken, pork chops, beef/pork roast, steak and hot dogs. Not all in one night of course, only one meat at a time (that's what she said?).  I also sometimes eat spaghetti and lasagna (again, on separate occasions).  After dinner, if I'm hungry, I sometimes eat some pretzels, a handful of peanuts or a fruit of some sort (like a banana, an apple or some grapes).  Oh, and once a week, I cheat on my so called diet and order a pizza, go out to a restaurant or do fast food.  I pretty much eat whatever I want though, I just have to limit myself on the amount that I consume and restrict myself to eating "bad" once a week.  It's not perfect, but it seems to be working pretty well for me so far.

Exercise

I started out, back in December of 2009, doing an easy program on the treadmill one time a day for 20 minutes (the program only went 4.5 MPH and was on a 1.5 incline).  In January of 2010, I did that same easy program once a day for 20 minuets.  In February, I did that same easy program and added another more difficult 30 minute program (the more difficult program went as fast as 6 MPH and the incline varied from 1.5 to 8.0).  In March, I started lifting weights with my dad twice a week and running on the treadmill, doing those same two programs, on my non-lifting days.  In April, I got one of those exercise balls and did that on occasion, although I don't do that much anymore (it just wasn't my thing).  In May and throughout the summer, I swam at least once a week in addition to everything else.

In June, I bought a set of those resistance tubes, which came with a DVD, and I added that to my weekly routine.  In July, my grandma and I bought an exercise bike and I replaced one of my two treadmill runs with a ride on that.  At the end of August, I started jogging outside once or twice a day, along with all of the other things that I do.  I don't know how long I'll be able to jog because winter is coming soon.  I don't mind running on the treadmill and riding the exercise bike once each a day, but I would hate doing it more than that.  I really enjoy the jogging, even though I don't go too fast, because it seems to curb my appetite after lunch and after dinner.  I guess I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do once the cold (and snow/ice) finally curtails my jogging.

My new goal is to stay around my current weight throughout the fall and winter.  It will be impossible to do any more exercising than I'm doing now because of the coming seasons.  In fact, I I'll probably be doing less exercising because I won't be able to go outside and jog anymore. I'll also be cooped up in the house a lot more, so the temptation of readily available food will be all around me.  Anyway, I'll check back in at the end of winter/beginning of spring to tell you, the non-existent reader, how I'm doing.  Until then, you stay classy, San Diego.

NFL Predictions

Here are my predictions for the 2010 NFL season.  I'm going to start with my local team, the Detroit Lions, then move on to the Lions' division, and then the AFC, NFC and Super Bowl championship games.

Detroit Lions schedule

at Chicago (Win)
vs Philadelphia (Loss)
at Minnesota (Loss)
at Green Bay (Loss)
vs St. Louis (Win)
at New York Giants (Loss)
vs Washington (Win)
vs New York Jets (Loss)
at Buffalo (Win)
at Dallas (Loss)
vs New England (Loss)
vs Chicago (Win)
vs Green Bay (Loss)
at Tampa Bay (Win)
at Miami (Loss)
vs Minnesota (Loss)

I'm going to state the obvious here.  The Lions' future hinges on the development of Matthew Stafford.  Will he end up another Joey Harrington?  That remains to been seen, but I don't think so.  He has to show marked improvement this year though because it usually doesn't take the good quarterbacks that long to develop anymore (see Matt Ryan and Joe Flaco).  My expectations for him this year are 3,500 yards, 20 touchdowns and 12 interceptions.  Now, I don't expect Stafford to ever be an elite-level quarterback like Drew Brees, Peyton Manning or Tom Brady.  I do, however, expect him to be in the next tier of quarterbacks that are good enough to lead their team to the playoffs year in and year out (and I expect that to happen as soon as next year).  That's where I'm at right now as a Lions' fan.  Just make the playoffs and build from there.  And hopefully, I'll get to see them win a Super Bowl before I die.  You've got about 50 years guys.  Make it happen!

About my prediction for the Lions though.  I've got them at 6-10.  I also have them winning three road games, which will be an amazing feat if you consider their recent road woes.  They haven't won a road game since October 28th, 2007 against the Chicago Bears.  Their current road losing streak stands at 20 games and I see that ending in week one against the Bears.  I'm not 100% confident with that pick, but I'm making it anyway.  I'm also not very confident about them winning in Buffalo either because it can be a tough place to play during the winter months (they play them there in the middle of November, so the weather could be a factor).  I'm still going to say that they are going to win that game too.  Their other four predicted wins, to borrow a basketball analogy, I see those as slam dunks.  I'm fairly confident in saying that they will beat St. Louis, Washington and Chicago at home and Tampa Bay on the road.  As for their ten loses, I really don't see much hope for a win in any of those ten games.  Maybe at home against Minnesota the last game of the year, if Minnesota has nothing to play for or if Favre's ankle falls off his body somehow before the game.  I guess I can maybe see them winning at Miami, but if I had to pick one game I have as a loss to be a win instead, I would go with that final game against Minnesota.

Okay, here is how I think the NFC North will look like at season's end:

NFC North standings

Packers (12-4)
Vikings (10-6)
Lions (6-10)
Bears (5-11)

Yes, the Lions will finally dig themselves out of the cellar of the division and move up one spot to third!  It's progress I tell you, progress!

Alright, moving on to my prediction for the AFC, NFC and Super Bowl championship games:

Championship Games

AFC: New York Jets vs Baltimore Ravens
NFC: New Orleans Saints vs Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl: New York Jets beat Green Pay Packers

So, that is my prediction for the 2010 NFL season.  It'll be interesting to look back on this to see how close or far away I was.  I hope I'm not too far off, but a lot can happen on any given Sunday.  Until next time, you stay classy, Detroit.

College Football Predictions

Here are my predictions for the upcoming Michigan and Michigan State college football season:

Michigan

vs Connecticut (Win)
at Notre Dame (Loss)
vs Massachusetts (Win)
vs Bowling Green (Win)
at Indiana (Win)
vs Michigan State (Loss)
vs Iowa (Loss)
at Penn State (Loss)
vs Illinois (Win)
at Purdue (Win)
vs Wisconsin (Loss)
at Ohio State (Loss)

That leaves them at 6-6, which would get them into a bowl game.  I don't think that will be enough to save Rich Rodriguez's job though, especially since he will have went 0-3 to the three biggest rivals if my prediction is correct.   The only two games I debated about were Notre Dame and Michigan State.  I really think those two games could go either way, but I just don't see Michigan winning either one.  I do, however, think they have a better chance of winning the Michigan State game because the Notre Dame game is on the road.  If they do that, I believe that will be enough to save Rich Rodriguez's job, but I honestly don't think that will happen.  Moving on to Michigan State's season.

Michigan State

vs Western Michigan (Win)
vs Florida Atlantic* (Win)
vs Notre Dame (Win)
vs Northern Colorado (Win)
vs Wisconsin (Loss)
at Michigan (Win)
vs Illinois (Win)
at Northwestern (Win)
at Iowa (Loss)
vs Minnesota (Loss)
vs Purdue (Win)
at Penn State (Loss)

*Game will be played at Ford Field

Notice that Michigan State's first seven games will be played in the state of Michigan.  That looks like a recipe for success to me.  If my prediction is correct, they will start out 6-1 and finish the season with an 8-4 record.  I debated about two games on the schedule and those two games were Michigan and Minnesota.  Michigan State always seems to lose a game or two that they shouldn't lose, so I could see them dropping at least one of those games (and I predict it's the Minnesota game). If I am not right about that though, and Michigan State loses to both Michigan and Minnesota, that will drop Michigan State to 7-5 and bump up Michigan's record to 7-5 (if everything else I predicted falls into place).

Well, that is my prediction for the two major teams in my area.  I don't expect to be right because a lot of things can and will change during the season, but there's a reason they are called predictions. You do it before the fact, not after, so I'm going to have to stick to them and try to learn from them until I do it again next season.

The Wedding Crashers

I went to a wedding today and had a very fun, and eventful, night.  In fact, I haven't had this much fun since Fender and Kelly's wedding night, which was about two and a half years ago.  I think more people I know need to get married, otherwise my life is extremely dull and boring.  Before I tell you why the night was so eventful though, I would just like to say congratulations to Michelle and Joe Szparaga.  May your days together be long and your nights just as pleasant.  Okay, now that that is out of the way, on with the evening!

The day started off innocently enough.  I arrived at Tina's Country House with my sister and my parents.  As we walked up to the building, I immediately saw Fender and Kelly.  I walked over and talked with them until the ceremony started.  The ceremony was held outside and it was very nice.  If I ever get married (which will probably never happen), I would like it to be outside as well.  Anyway, if you've ever been to a wedding before, you know the basic outline of the ceremony.  Various poetic things are said by the minister, some symbolic stuff is done, vows are exchanged by the bride and groom, more words are said, and then the I do's with the kiss at the end.  Basically, a process that should take all of five minute is dragged out to be a much longer ordeal (I'm kidding, of course).  It really wasn't that long, it only lasted about thirty minutes.  Someone told me that a traditional Catholic ceremony can last over two hours, so I think that thirty minutes is a nice compromise.  In any event, the most memorial part of the ceremony, at least for me anyways, was at the end.  When everything was said and done, the Star Wars theme played to usher everyone into the banquet hall, which was conveniently located right next to the outdoor ceremony (and that's another thing to keep in mind if I ever do get married, have the ceremony/reception right next to one another).  And in there, my friends, is where the fun really began.

I arrived at the banquet hall and found out that I had to go to table 11.  I asked myself, "why didn't they just make table 10 a little bigger?"  Then I thought, "no, these go to 11" and went to sit down at my table (you get 11 internets if you can guess the movie reference before clicking here).  Anyway, I sat down at table 11 with my sister, my parents, Fender and Kelly.  We had to wait a little while for the wedding party, they were off somewhere taking pictures.  When they finally came in, they stood in front of their table and the DJ requested that everyone go up and greet the wedding party.  Everyone got up, formed a line around the room, and went up to each person in the wedding party to greet them in whatever manner they deemed appropriate  (which I thought was a very nice touch to start off the reception).  Shortly after everyone got back to their seats, the best man and the bridesmaid gave their speeches.  I didn't know the bridesmaid, but she gave a wonderfully  heartfelt speech.  I did know the best man though, he was none other than Michael Pienta.  He started the speech off as if he was giving a eulogy for Joe, which got a laugh out of the crowd.  I don't remember much else about the speech, other than he ended it with "and may the force be with you."  I was tempted to shout "Knibb High football rules!" when he finished, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.  Pienta did a great job though, I didn't have the balls to give a speech at Fender and Kelly's wedding when I was the best man.

After the greetings and the speeches were over, we had dinner.  The dinner was very good, but one particular item caught my attention.  That item was the meatballs.  Now, I don't even like meatballs, so why would that particular item catch my attention?  Well, I jokingly said to my sister that it would be funny if she reenacted this scene with the aforementioned best man. Frankly, I should have known better because she did just that.  She told Pienta to close his eyes and put out his hands.  He did so and then she put the meatballs in his hands and said "I'm paying you in meatballs."  I don't know if he got the reference, but he took it like a champ.  He just walked away to dispose of the meatballs and clean off his hands.  That really surprised me though, I really thought that he was going to throw the meatballs back in her face or something.  That is why Pienta was the best man and he showed why right there.

After everyone got done eating, there was dancing, of course.  Now, I don't dance, so I stayed in my seat and talked to my sister, Fender and Kelly.  Fender, my sister and I debated on going over to the other wedding party and crashing that wedding, but I decided against it when I realized that I have no game whatsoever.  We did come up with a funny story though.  To make it seem like we were a part of that family, my sister came up with the idea of saying that we were distant cousins and then referencing an uncle (we'll call him Uncle So-and-so because I don't remember the name we were going to use).  To make her story seem more legit, I added "remember that game Uncle So-and-so used to play with us, the one where he told us to reach into his pocket to find the snake?"  So then my sister said, "yeah, and we never could get the snake to come out."  And then Fender said, "yeah, he told us it must have crawled down his leg!"  That story would have gotten us in for sure.  It was bulletproof, I tell you, bulletproof....

And now, we have finally reached the part that truly made this night unforgettable.  It is the crescendo, if you will, of my entire time spent at the wedding.  I don't think that I can ever top this at any wedding that I ever go to.  It is something that I will look back on and remember fondly for as long as I live.  Here's what happened.

Michelle just got done throwing the bouquet to some lucky girl.  Now it was Joe's turn to throw the garter to some single guy.  If you don't already know, whoever catches the garter has to do something with the girl who caught the bouquet.  Now, I am extremely shy, and I didn't think anyone would even notice if I didn't go up there, so I remained in my seat to watch this event unfold.  Joe (or was it Frank?), however, got on the microphone and called me out.  I wasn't going up though, so I stayed in my seat.  Well, Joe and Pienta started coming for me, so I got up and sprinted to the door.  As soon as I got outside, I ran as fast as my legs would go.  I heard Joe and Pienta behind me, but I didn't look back.  To quote Forrest Gump, "I was running."  All of a sudden, some guy came up on the left of me.  I thought, "how the hell did Joe or Mike catch up to me that quick?"  It wasn't Joe or Mike though.  It was some random guy, from the other wedding party, drinking a beer in the parking lot (for what reason, I don't know).  He was coming right for me, so I put a juke move on him that would have made Barry Sanders proud and faked him out.  His reaction to the fake out was to throw the liquid in his beer mug at me.  The liquid soaked the entire upper left side of my chest.  I started running again immediately after I got soaked, and I'm lucky that I did because then he threw his beer mug at me.  The beer mug hit me in the upper part of my back, but by then I was going close to full speed again, so it just barely grazed me.  I kept running after it hit me though because I didn't know what the guy was going to do next.

I didn't see this part, but Joe and Mike told me this.  They saw the guy throw the liquid at me and yelled out at him just before he was about to throw the mug.  After he threw the mug, they stopped him and asked him why he did that.  Well, I guess he thought that they were chasing me because I stole something from the wedding.  They set him straight on that though and then went back inside to finishing the throwing of the garter.  By the time I got back in, which was only about a few minutes later, it was over.  The garter had been thrown.  I successfully got out of the garter toss and now I have an interesting story to tell about how I did it!  I did have a small mark on my back where the mug hit me, but it didn't hurt very much.  No blood, no foul, is what I always say.  All in all, it was a really enjoyable night and I look forward to the next wedding that I attend.

Double Rainbow All the Way Across the Sky

YouTube is one of the greatest non-pornographic websites ever created. It provides hours upon hours of (mostly) mindless entertainment for me. Where else can you find a baby named Charlie biting fingers, a Lady named Gaga with those large, haunting, strangely seductive (wait, what?) eyes, and an inspirational comedian taking you through the evolution of dance with some mad moves. These three videos are among the top ten most viewed YouTube videos of all-time and three of my personal favorites.

The video I'm going to talk about today isn't in the top ten most viewed YouTube videos of all-time, yet. I have a feeling that one day though, not too far from now, it will be. If you have no idea which video I'm referring to, please click here to view it (and then please come back for some semi-professional analysis).

Now, before I break it down, I have three different theories about what was going on in the video:

1. The man was on some serious drugs and was, as the kids say, tripping balls over the double rainbow
   
2. The man has a rainbow fetish and was masturbating to the double rainbow
   
3. The man had a religious experience and saw God in the double rainbow
   

At first glance, each of these three theories is equally valid. In order to determine which theory is the most valid, I'm going to break the video down and assign the theory that best matches for each segment. So, without further delay, let's examine the tape, shall we?

The video starts off, innocently enough, with a man filming a double rainbow and describing it. From 0:24 to about the 0:49, he appears to be overcome with joy. He says "oh my god" several times and shouts various other exclamations of pleasure. This segment of the video could really be any one of the three theories. But being since I have never heard anyone even approach his reaction to a rainbow, I'm leaning more towards theory #1. I mean, sure, a double rainbow is twice as amazing as a single rainbow, but it's not that amazing. His reaction seems a little out of the ordinary, to put it mildly, so I'm going to have to go with theory #1 here.

At the 0:50 mark, he says "it's starting to even look like a triple rainbow." This is where I really question his mental state and think that he's on drugs. Unless the camera didn't capture it, I did not see a triple rainbow. And since he saw a triple rainbow that wasn't there, we can assume that he was on some type of drugs. Some people look at their hand and ask "have you ever really looked at your hand?" while on drugs. This guy, apparently, looks at "triple" rainbows. Score one more point for the early front-runner, theory #1.

Oh, and at the 0:57 mark, he first utters the words "double rainbow all the way across the sky". These words will forever live in infamy. That will be the man's catchphrase until the day he dies. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the epithet emblazoned on his gravestone. A song was even made centered around those very words (see this video), which further solidifies the phrase, and the video, as a YouTube sensation. Okay, that was just an interesting side note that requires no further analysis. Moving right along.

From 1:00 to 1:18, he appears to be crying. Shortly after the 1:18 mark, he asks "what does this mean?" This is clearly a statement asking someone what something means. And unless he was talking to his dog (who you'll hear later in the video), we can assume that he was addressing his question to God. Oddly enough, God is dog spelled backwards (and vice versa), so maybe they are one and the same? I really don't know, I don't know animals. Anyway, chalk this one up to theory #3.

At 1:20 until about 1:40, he makes several orgasmic noises, while also saying "it's so bright and vivid." You may think he's describing the rainbow with that statement. I, on the other hand, know better. Vivid Entertainment is the largest adult video producer in the world. Don't ask me how I know this, I just do. Suffice it to say that just like you can't sneak a piece of cheese by a rat, you can't sneak a pornographic reference by me. With that in mind, one can conclude that the man has a rainbow fetish and was masturbating to the double rainbow. Theory #2 finally gets some credence to it.

He begins crying again at 1:40 and doesn't let up much until shortly after the 3:00 mark. He says such things as "it's so beautiful" and "oh my god" over and over. He explores the metaphysical nature of it all again by asking "what does it mean?" and implores someone to "tell me what it means." The camera is also shaking a lot during this time period, so we can again come to multiple conclusions (it's hard to keep the camera steady when your other hand is doing some ungodly act, you know). But being since I don't know of anyone, besides myself, who cries while they masturbate, I'm going to have to discount theory #2 and go with theory #3 again.

His dog barks at the 3:04 mark, which could be God's way of telling him to get the fuck a hold of himself and stop crying over a stupid God damn double rainbow (that's how I interpreted it anyway). He seems to compose himself shortly thereafter, but he continues to breath heavily and makes several orgasmic noises until the conclusion of the video at the 3:30 mark. Before it ends though, he makes the remark of "it's so intense," which is something you would say after you have reached your climax, especially if you were narrating your own orgasm. That's something I need to put on my own bucket list, narrate my own orgasm (or better yet, have Morgan Freeman narrate it). Again, we have multiple conclusions that we can draw from this segment, but I'm leaning more towards theory #2 this time.

Well, it's been a long, strange trip, and we appear to be right back to where we started. If you were keeping score at home, you can see that we have a three-way tie (if you weren't keeping score at home, please pay better attention next time). So, which theory is the correct theory?

In my semi-professional opinion, he probably ate a full packet of skittles laced with acid, while masturbating into a bowl full of Lucky Charms with everything but the rainbow shaped marshmallows picked out (admit it, you did something similar as a kid, minus the masturbating part of it probably), and he thought he saw God in the double rainbow to justify his unsavory behavior. It really is that simple. Well, maybe not. I guess I'll just leave it to you to decide for yourself.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my breakdown of the Double Rainbow video. If not, I'll try to do better the next time. Until then, you stay classy, Detroit.

All Apologies

Dear non-existent reader,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. My last blog entry kind of made me lose the will to blog, for whatever reason. I'm now over that though, which is a good thing for you (hopefully). I promise to never desert you like that again (maybe). I look forward to writing many more entries for your entertainment, even though you don't exist. It's kind of like when I was a kid and I played with my imaginary friend, Charlie. Sure, he didn't exist, but he let me put things up his butt. Wait, that came out wrong! I mean, he let me touch him in his naughty spots. Oh hell, I shouldn't have typed that either! Shit, my backspace key is broken! It looks like I'll have to leave all that. I hope that I don't make any more tpyos for the remainder of this post. Yes, that's what those were...typos. If you would be so kind though, please forget that I said anything about putting things up my imaginary friend's cornhole. The same goes for the part about touching his naughty places. Those were very confusing times that every child goes through. You probably experimented the same way yourself, right? Right?

Anyway, expect better blog entries from me in the future (this isn't one of them). And yes, I realize that better is a very subjective term. If my past is any indication, however, you're in for some real mediocrity. I like to set the bar low and then hit it out of the infield (I also like to mix my metaphors). I've been average all of my life and I don't intend to stop being average now. When I played Little League baseball, I was often times the ninth batter and right fielder. As you may or may not know, the ninth batter is typically your worst hitter and the right fielder is typically your worst fielder. I was both. And while some would argue that being the ninth batter and right fielder is far from average, I have this to say. I know you are but what am I? Yes, I just went Pee Wee Herman on you (that sounds kind of dirty). Deal with it.

So, what else could I say? Everyone is gay. What else could I write? I don't have the right. What else should I be? All apologies. In the sun, in the sun I feel as one. In the sun, in the sun. Married, buried.

Okay, that's all I have to say...for now. Until next time, you stay classy, San Diego.

Three Wise Men

As you may or may not know, I recently celebrated my 26th birthday on May 27th. The day after, a few of my friends took me out to the bar to celebrate my birthday. It was probably the most eventful birthday I've had in a long time, but it made me realize something. It made me realize that I'm not like most other people, especially people my own age. I'm seeing this more and more the older I get. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about though, so here is the story.

My friends Frank, Joe, Allen and Mike took me out to a bar for my 26th birthday. Now, I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in a bar, and the same can be said for the number of times I've ever drank alcohol, so I didn't plan on drinking at all that night. My friends, however, had other ideas. I told them though, over and over again, that I didn't want to drink for various reasons (chief among them being I didn't have the money). These protests fell on deaf ears though. "It's your birthday," Joe said, "you have to drink," so I finally relented to the peer pressure and let him buy me a shot. Well, that was a mistake I'll never make again. Since Joe bought me a shot, I could hardly refuse when another friend offered to buy me a "birthday" shot. It would be rude of me to refuse. So, I ended up having to drink four or so shots of unknown potencies (no one would tell me what was in them).

After that, Joe pulled another fast one and told a guy we both knew, named Chad, that it was my birthday. Chad then offered to buy me a shot called "Three Wise Men." I had no idea what was in it, but I couldn't refuse a shot from Chad. You see, Chad is one bad ass mother fucker (and if you somehow come across this Chad, I mean that in the best way possible). I used to play Little League baseball with Chad, and he got kicked off our team because he nearly got into a fight with an umpire. We were like 11 or 12, and he almost came to blows with a grown man. And if our coach didn't hold him back, there is no doubt in my mind who would have won that fight. Chad would have beaten that man to a pulp. So, as you can see, Chad made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Luckily for me though, someone decided to sing "Street Fighting Man" on karaoke, so a bar fight broke out shortly thereafter. I didn't see who was involved in it, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if it was Chad. Anyway, that fight saved me from drinking a "Three Wise Men" which, looking up the ingredients right now, was probably a good thing. I thank the karaoke gods for that!

Okay, so what's the point? I know it took me a really long time to get to it, but here it is. I realized that night, more than ever before, that I don't like to drink alcohol. I don't like the feeling it gives me. I never have and probably never will. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't some moral crusade against drinking. I have no problem with other people who drink, as long as they do so responsibly. I just don't want to be a part of it. And I know that makes me super lame, and I know that it isolates me from the vast majority of people my own age, but I can't help how I feel. Drinking just isn't for me.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read this. I'll try next time to have a better blog entry than this. This was just something that has been bothering me a lot lately, so I felt the need to write it down.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I have a tradition every year on this date. I stay up until 1:05 AM. Why 1:05 AM, you ask? It seems like a pretty random time to stay up until. Well, at 1:05 AM on May 27, 1984, I was born. I'm not sure how many people know the exact time of their birth, and I'm not even sure how accurate the time of birth is on your birth certificate, but I stay up until 1:05 AM just the same. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, and this year was no different. I guess I'm lucky I wasn't born at some ungodly hour, like 4:30 AM. That would be a bitch to stay up for that.

Anyway, I have nothing else to say really. I'm going to my favorite restaurant, Outback Steakhouse, for my birthday. I've been there twice already this past week. I wish people would space out my birthday dinners a little more. I would prefer to go once every four months or so, instead of going three times in the span of seven days. I guess you can't look a gift cow in the mouth, or something. And it's also important to remember that people in glass houses sink ships. And a penny saved is worth two in the bush. And don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen.

Okay, I would just like to leave you with a fun fact. Well, it's probably not that fun, but it is a fact! I was born on May 27, 1984. My sister was born on October 9, 1985. My brother was born on April 18, 1992. What do those three dates have in common? If you know your times tables, you will soon see the connection. The numbers 9, 18 and 27 are the first three multiples of nine. I wish I was better at math myself. If I was, I could figure out the odds of that happening to three siblings. Probably one out of a million (so you're telling me there's a chance). Ten internets goes to the first person who can tell me what movie that last line is from.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. You stay classy, San Diego!

Phrases I Can't Stand: I Could Care Less

Yo Beyonce, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish, but Freddie Mercury had one of the best usages of the phrase "I couldn't care less" of all-time.

Well, I'm pretty sure you have no idea what I'm talking about (do you ever?). Let me direct your attention to the following lyrics:

Single Ladies by Beyonce

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think

Before I go on, I have just one question. What the hell is up with that glove Beyonce is wearing in the above video? Did Darth Vader cut off her hand or something? Okay, moving right along....

Killer Queen by Queen

Perfume came naturally from Paris
For cars she couldn't care less
Fastidious and precise
She's a killer...

If you still don't know what I'm talking about, notice the italicized words above. The phrase I can't stand here is "I could care less." The correct usage is "I couldn't care less," which is present in the lyrics sung by Freddie Mercury.

Okay, so why is saying "I could care less" incorrect? If Beyonce sung it, why isn't it good enough for me? Well, since a picture is worth a thousand words, I made one to help illustrate why it's so very very wrong (click the picture to make it larger):



I'll give you a moment to pick up your jaw off the ground as you marvel over my mad Paint skillz. Okay, so you're done marveling? Good! Make sure your jaw is in place before reading on. I wouldn't want a lawsuit or anything....

The line above represents your amount of caring. The two extremes denote the points at which you couldn't care less or more. At any point on the line, with expectations at the extremes, you could care less or more.

When you say "I could care less," you're leaving yourself open to interpretation. By saying "I could care less," you aren't exactly indicating how much you really care. After all, you could be near the couldn't care more extreme and still rightly say "I could care less." Likewise, you could be near the couldn't care less extreme and still rightly say "I could care less." The amount that you really care is dependent on which extreme you're closer to when saying "I could care less."

If you don't understand that, don't worry (I sometimes even question if I understand myself). What's coming next will be much easier to understand . When you say "I couldn't care less," there is no room for interpretation at all. You couldn't care less. By saying "I couldn't care less," you are leaving absolutely no doubt how much you really care. You couldn't care less. You're expressing yourself clearly and distinctly, which is very important to avoid confusion.

I'd like to now use another example to further illustrate my point. There is another phrase out there that is very similar to "I could care less." And just like the phrase "I could care less," people use it incorrectly all of the time. That phrase is "I could give two shits."

But why is it incorrect to use this phrase in that way? Well, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that you could give two shits. Maybe you had a lot of fiber in your diet today and could give three, four, five shits (am I the only one who thought of the Count from Sesame Street when I read that?). If you could give two shits, there's always the potential that you could give more shits. Or maybe you've been shitting while reading Dr. Seuss and you're seeing one shit, two shit, red shit, blue shit. I don't know, I'm not inside your bathroom, but you really should go see a doctor if you're experiencing red or blue shits.

Anyway, the point is, the more shits that you can give, the more that you care (I'm not going to torture you with another diagram here, you can thank me for that later). So, instead of saying "I could give two shits," you should say "I couldn't give two shits." By doing so, you are letting everyone know the actual amount that you care, not even two shits worth. You couldn't even be bothered to shit twice, that's how much you really care. And because you couldn't even shit twice, you're telling everybody that you couldn't care less. Isn't it great when everything comes full circle? Speaking of things coming full circle, excuse me while I go to the bathroom and take a...never mind.

Okay, I'm back. And since I don't want to come across as a snooty elitist semantical bastard, I'm going to end this post with the following caveat:

Disclaimer: When it comes to the English language, I am not always fastidious and precise (I'm also not dynamite with a laser beam, nor am I guaranteed to blow your mind). I am also not some Grammar Nazi, who looks down on people who don't use the proper grammar. I don't go around shouting "nein, nein, nein!" whenever I see or hear someone misusing the English language. I'm 100% certain that if a person with an English major ever read this blog or heard me talk, they would have a lot of correcting to do. I am by no means a cunning linguistic (in more ways than one), nor am I perfect in my usage of the English language, and I realize that I have a lot of room for improvement. I believe, however, that just about everyone has the potential to improve their linguistical skills (including me). But how else are you going to improve your skills if you don't even know that you're making an error? That was my main intention while writing this post (I also hope that it was somewhat entertaining to read). I just wanted to point out a common mistake among users of the English language, in hopes that at least one person reads this and realizes the error of their ways.

And even if you don't realize the error of your ways, well...that's fine too. Just don't be too terribly surprised if the Grammatical Gestapo pay you a visit tonight. What's that, you say? You thought that I said I wasn't a Grammar Nazi? Well, I did, but I never said that I wasn't a member of the Grammatical Gestapo. So, if you value your life, stop using the offending phrases above.

Oh, and in before the comment of "I could care less about this post." Hell, who am I kidding? Nobody will read or comment on this! Good day, sir!

Spacebook

I wrote a post, about five months ago, describing a few of the funny things that my grandma has said and done over the past few years (if you care to read it, click here). In that post, I also said that I would type more when I had the time because that was just the tip of the iceberg. I'm here today to present more of those Gram-isms, as I call them, for your viewing pleasure. Well, you might not find them as funny as I do, but that's pretty much par for the course when it comes to my blog entries. Anyway, today's episode of "Seniors Say the Darndest Things" centers around the bane of senior existence, the arch nemesis of the modern day senior citizen, the most difficult topic for the elderly to understand: Technology!

Okay, the first one I'm going to talk about didn't happen recently to my grandma, so it didn't technically involve a senior. It's not really that funny either, but it does set the stage for all of my grandma's future dealings with technology. It's the Rosetta stone, if you will, that shows you the first known clash of my grandma and technology. It's your classic example of a misinterpretation of technology by an older individual. After this happened to my grandma, I wouldn't have been surprised if she gave up on technology altogether. She didn't though, which just goes to show you her determination and perseverance. On with the story!

When my grandma got her first ever computer, about 15 years ago, she performed an illegal operation on it and freaked out. If you don't already know, a box pops up whenever you perform an illegal operation on a computer, which can be easily closed out of (just click close or the X). So, an illegal operation is nothing to worry about, it's just the computer's way of telling you that you performed an error. To use the technical term, it's just something that you did that doesn't feng with the shui of the computer. To my grandma, however, it meant something much much worse. To her, it was as if she robbed a bank or something else against the law. She called up my dad immediately, and told him to take the computer, because she thought that they were going to take away her nursing license. Luckily for her, and for us, my dad calmed her down and talked her into keeping the computer. Otherwise, the rest of this post probably would never have happened.

Which brings me to my next story. About a year ago, my grandma got her first ever cellphone with texting capabilities. Soon after that, my grandma texted my teenage cousin, Sara, the following message: "be sure to have Jim show you how to shit." For those of you wondering, Jim is Sara's brother (they are twins). And even though they're twins, they don't shit together, so why would my grandma text that to Sara? Well, my grandma loaned Sara her laptop, and she was trying to make sure Jim showed Sara how to shut it off. She meant to text this: "be sure to have Jim show you how to shut off the laptop." If you look at your keyboard right now, or if you know the keyboard really well, you can see how she made that mistake. She hit the i key, when she really meant to hit the u key. Now, a typo normally isn't a problem for those of us with younger eyes. When you're a senior, however, you sometimes hit the send key, when you actually mean to hit the backspace key and correct your error. That's what happened to my grandma. Little did she know, the texting world is fraught with typos, but none as hilarious as that one.

The next story also involves cellphones. My grandma once left the following message on my sister's voice mail: "be sure to come over tomorrow and pick up some hobo stool" (I'm paraphrasing here, I don't remember the exact wording of the message). If you're unsure of what hobo stool could possibly mean, let me clarify it for you. My grandma actually meant to say hobo stew. It's something that my grandma makes after she cooks a roast. I'm not exactly sure what's in it, other than beef/pork, potatoes and carrots, but both my sister and grandma love it. Personally, I don't like it because I like to eat my foods separately, not all mixed together (I'm weird like that, sue me). Oh, and before you say, "maybe she really did say hobo stew, it just got cut off in the voice message and sounded like hobo stool." Well, I'm here to tell you that that wasn't the case. I was in listening distance when she left that message, so I heard her say hobo stool as clear as a bell. And I know that those kind of things happen to everyone, but not as frequently as they happen to my grandma.

Okay, the next one has to do with the Comcast cable company. Recently, my grandma has been having a lot of problems with her cable service, especially her television. So, she called up the phone number, 1-800-Comcast, expecting to talk to a customer service representative. Well, her expectations were not met. Ben Stein answered her call by saying, "Hello, this is Ben Stein..." (or something to that effect). She then hung up the phone, thinking that she dialed the wrong number (and she did this multiple times). For those of you who don't know, Comcast currently promotes their service with Shaq and Ben in their commercials, so I guess they used to play a recording of Ben Stein whenever you called their number. I called the above number, just now, and they no longer have that recording (probably because it confused the hell out of people). So, while I do agree that this is something that could happen to anyone, those kind of things seem to happen to my grandma all of the time.

Okay, this last one is how I got the title of this post. When talking to my friend Joe and me last week, my grandma referred to Facebook as Spacebook. She must have overheard us talking about it and thought that we said Spacebook instead of Facebook. Well, I told my brother this today, and he pointed out to me that it is a combination of MySpace and Facebook, which is something I didn't think of. I just figured that since space and face rhyme, that's probably how she got it. Now that my brother pointed that out to me though, I think that my grandma might be on to something. This could be the next billion dollar idea for a social networking site. Just think of the possibilities. Spacebook: Step into the future of social networking! It sounds so hip and futuristic, which is what the kids go for these days. I hope nobody reads this and steals my idea....

I'm going to end this post the same way that I ended my previous post about my grandma. I know that it sort of sounds like I'm making fun of my grandma, but I'm not. I love her to death. She is one of the few people that can make me laugh on a consistent basis. She even says to me that she's glad she can bring so much joy into my life by saying and doing these things. She won't be around forever, but the memories she has given me will last for as long as I live.