Phrases I Can't Stand: I Could Care Less

Yo Beyonce, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish, but Freddie Mercury had one of the best usages of the phrase "I couldn't care less" of all-time.

Well, I'm pretty sure you have no idea what I'm talking about (do you ever?). Let me direct your attention to the following lyrics:

Single Ladies by Beyonce

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think

Before I go on, I have just one question. What the hell is up with that glove Beyonce is wearing in the above video? Did Darth Vader cut off her hand or something? Okay, moving right along....

Killer Queen by Queen

Perfume came naturally from Paris
For cars she couldn't care less
Fastidious and precise
She's a killer...

If you still don't know what I'm talking about, notice the italicized words above. The phrase I can't stand here is "I could care less." The correct usage is "I couldn't care less," which is present in the lyrics sung by Freddie Mercury.

Okay, so why is saying "I could care less" incorrect? If Beyonce sung it, why isn't it good enough for me? Well, since a picture is worth a thousand words, I made one to help illustrate why it's so very very wrong (click the picture to make it larger):



I'll give you a moment to pick up your jaw off the ground as you marvel over my mad Paint skillz. Okay, so you're done marveling? Good! Make sure your jaw is in place before reading on. I wouldn't want a lawsuit or anything....

The line above represents your amount of caring. The two extremes denote the points at which you couldn't care less or more. At any point on the line, with expectations at the extremes, you could care less or more.

When you say "I could care less," you're leaving yourself open to interpretation. By saying "I could care less," you aren't exactly indicating how much you really care. After all, you could be near the couldn't care more extreme and still rightly say "I could care less." Likewise, you could be near the couldn't care less extreme and still rightly say "I could care less." The amount that you really care is dependent on which extreme you're closer to when saying "I could care less."

If you don't understand that, don't worry (I sometimes even question if I understand myself). What's coming next will be much easier to understand . When you say "I couldn't care less," there is no room for interpretation at all. You couldn't care less. By saying "I couldn't care less," you are leaving absolutely no doubt how much you really care. You couldn't care less. You're expressing yourself clearly and distinctly, which is very important to avoid confusion.

I'd like to now use another example to further illustrate my point. There is another phrase out there that is very similar to "I could care less." And just like the phrase "I could care less," people use it incorrectly all of the time. That phrase is "I could give two shits."

But why is it incorrect to use this phrase in that way? Well, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that you could give two shits. Maybe you had a lot of fiber in your diet today and could give three, four, five shits (am I the only one who thought of the Count from Sesame Street when I read that?). If you could give two shits, there's always the potential that you could give more shits. Or maybe you've been shitting while reading Dr. Seuss and you're seeing one shit, two shit, red shit, blue shit. I don't know, I'm not inside your bathroom, but you really should go see a doctor if you're experiencing red or blue shits.

Anyway, the point is, the more shits that you can give, the more that you care (I'm not going to torture you with another diagram here, you can thank me for that later). So, instead of saying "I could give two shits," you should say "I couldn't give two shits." By doing so, you are letting everyone know the actual amount that you care, not even two shits worth. You couldn't even be bothered to shit twice, that's how much you really care. And because you couldn't even shit twice, you're telling everybody that you couldn't care less. Isn't it great when everything comes full circle? Speaking of things coming full circle, excuse me while I go to the bathroom and take a...never mind.

Okay, I'm back. And since I don't want to come across as a snooty elitist semantical bastard, I'm going to end this post with the following caveat:

Disclaimer: When it comes to the English language, I am not always fastidious and precise (I'm also not dynamite with a laser beam, nor am I guaranteed to blow your mind). I am also not some Grammar Nazi, who looks down on people who don't use the proper grammar. I don't go around shouting "nein, nein, nein!" whenever I see or hear someone misusing the English language. I'm 100% certain that if a person with an English major ever read this blog or heard me talk, they would have a lot of correcting to do. I am by no means a cunning linguistic (in more ways than one), nor am I perfect in my usage of the English language, and I realize that I have a lot of room for improvement. I believe, however, that just about everyone has the potential to improve their linguistical skills (including me). But how else are you going to improve your skills if you don't even know that you're making an error? That was my main intention while writing this post (I also hope that it was somewhat entertaining to read). I just wanted to point out a common mistake among users of the English language, in hopes that at least one person reads this and realizes the error of their ways.

And even if you don't realize the error of your ways, well...that's fine too. Just don't be too terribly surprised if the Grammatical Gestapo pay you a visit tonight. What's that, you say? You thought that I said I wasn't a Grammar Nazi? Well, I did, but I never said that I wasn't a member of the Grammatical Gestapo. So, if you value your life, stop using the offending phrases above.

Oh, and in before the comment of "I could care less about this post." Hell, who am I kidding? Nobody will read or comment on this! Good day, sir!