Blue Eyed Peas

There used to be a show called "Kids Say the Darndest Things," hosted by one of my heroes, Bill Cosby. Well, I think I have an idea for a new show: "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." Now, I'm not talking about high school or college seniors. I'm talking about older people, age 60 or older. Let me present to you some of the gems my grandma has said to me over the past couple years.

The one I'm going to start off with will explain the title of this post. So, I guess the Black Eyed Peas performed on some television show last week. I think it was the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show, but my grandma said that wasn't it, but whatever. My grandma tuned in to whatever show it was, expecting the Black Eyed Peas to be something they weren't. She thought that she was tuning in to a performance of the Blue Man Group. You know, the earless and hairless guys painted blue, who bang on drums and do whatever the hell else they do (Here's a Google search if you don't know what I'm talking about). She had no idea what was going on, and she told me that she kept thinking, "but they are black, not blue." I laughed hysterically at this and explained her mistake. I can only imagine what she was thinking as she watched the performance. Oh, and I also told her that I thought only two of the Black Eyed Peas are black (I'm not sure myself, I don't care for their music).

The word black provides a nice segue into my next segment of "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." You know how Taco Bell used to have those Black Jack Tacos? I say used to because the one I go to doesn't have them anymore, but I'm not sure if that's true of all Taco Bell's. In any event, Taco Bell ran commercials offering a free Black Taco as a promotion during Halloween this year. So I said to my grandma, "You should try one, you love tacos." She replied, "but what if the person I'm ordering it from is black, I wouldn't know how to order it." I responded, "as long as you don't call it a nigger taco, you'll be fine" (and I used the N-word, please forgive me). She decided to try it after that, and she loved them, but I guess they took them off the menu for whatever reason.

And now for something completely different. My grandma wanted to see this movie, but she didn't know the name of it. So she came to me and asked me if I could find out what it was. The only thing that she could tell me was that it was about Australia and that Jack Blackman was in it. "You mean Hugh Jackman?" I said. She wasn't sure, so I look up Hugh Jackman on The Internet Movie Database. And what's the first movie I see listed under his name? You guessed it, Australia (it was the first movie listed at the time). She so reminded me of Homer Simpson at that point. Remember when he couldn't think of the title when describing the movie Speed? Here's his quote: "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" Go on and tell me that doesn't sound similar to what my grandma said!

Well, there are a few more, but that's all I have time for tonight. Maybe I'll type some more another time. And I know that it sort of sounds like I'm making fun of my grandma, but I'm not. I love her to death. She is one of the few people that can make me laugh on a consistent basis. She even says to me that she's glad she can bring so much joy into my life by saying and doing these things. She won't be around forever, but the memories she has given me will last for as long as I live.