Top Ten

In the spirit of the Olympic games, I present to you, Ken's Top Ten Sexlympic Events. Okay, so let me explain the format. First, I'll give you the event, then I'll give you my best one-liner, and then some additional commentary.

Here goes:

Ken's Top Ten Sexlympic Events

Number 10

Women's Breaststroke

These women must have tested very high on the stroke-ability scale...there is no other way they could do the breaststroke for 200 meters. (oh, and that's about 656 feet, for all you metrically challenged people out there)

Let me just say one thing about the metric system. The United States really missed the boat by not adopting it. Instead of having an easy to use system, which is common place throughout the world, we are now stuck with the shitty standard system, possibly forever. I mean, really, the metric system is far superior to the traditional system, but the United States will probably never fully adopt the metric system. I can't wait until 2020, I swear to Allah, I'm running for president and there will be many (and I stress the word many) changes in this country. Yeah, I know, that is what they all say, but I really mean it.


Number 9

Trampoline

And now...girls jumping on trampolines!

Do you like The Man Show? I sure did, with emphasis on the word did. Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope do a decent job, but no one can top Adam and Jimmy. Comedy Central should change the name of the show or something, because it is clearly not as good as it once was. That is to be expected though because Adam and Jimmy made the show extremely entertaining. I mean, it is sort of like when a band gets a new lead singer, the band mine as well change its name, because nine times out of ten, it sounds like a completely different band. What I am getting at is this, they need to change the name of the show to something else because the show will never live up to the high standards of its name. Cancling the show is another possibility...I know I don't enjoy it as much as I did with Adam and Jimmy as the hosts, and I'm sure a lot of fans feel the same way I do.

Number 8

Snatch (weight lifting)

I wouldn't want to touch the snatch of the women participants with a 3.04800 meter pole. (a little metric humor for you there)

Have you seen any of the women in the weight lifting events? If not, I suggest you check them out. Let me forewarn you though, it isn't very pretty...it is definitely bad bad bad (I can't stress the word bad enough) times. Some of them have airpit hair, so it suffice to say that there isn't a looker in the bunch. To put it bluntly, these women look like Oompa Loompa's on steroids. It should come as no surprise to see the absence of American women. I certainly haven't seen any, and I highly doubt that an American woman could make the cut. I mean, I'm not saying American women are weak or anything, I just don't think any American woman would want to look like these women do. Basically, I'm just saying it is a cultural difference, or something of that nature.

Number 7

Women's Gymnastics

Yeah baby, put your legs behind your head and hold it for five minutes, you know it's my favorite position....

Okay, here we are, moving from one extreme to the next. On one hand, you have the women's weight lifters, who basically look like men dressed in drag. On the other hand, you have the women's gymnastics teams, who basically look like fuckable human-pretzels. Yeah, I know, some of them are underage, but I'd be willing to wait for some of them. I would go as far as to say that we could do all the positions of the kama sutra in one night, but I can't go all night. Well, let me take that back, I can go all night, I just choose not to....

Number 6

Boxing

I could go for some punching of the clown, how about you?

For those of you who don't know, punching the clown is a masturbatory term, akin to flogging the dolphin and beating the proverbial meat. Try it sometime, I guarantee you'll gain great satisfaction from getting in the the ring with a clown. A little advice though, it is hard to whack off with boxing gloves on (believe me, I've tried it), so be sure to take them off....

Number 5

Handball

I was just checking for cancer...I swear! (I know, this is turning into a bunch of bad masturbation jokes, but I'm trying here, so give me a break)

Ah, the old, I was just checking for cancer, trick. It is an oldie but a goodie. I also like the, I had a runny nose, routine. You pull that one out of your bag of tricks when someone asks you why you have an excessive amount of kleenex in your trash basket. No one can call you out on it, and it works every time. I'd like to call myself the Guru of Jack, even though I probably don't deserve the title, but I'm claiming it anyways. Don't like it? Tough cookies, pal!

Number 4

Shooting (thanks to Rich for mentioning the event)

I'm probably not as accurate as some of the other skeet shooters, but at least I'm good for distance.

If you didn't already know, skeet is a euphemism for semen. Don't believe me? If you have any doubts, check out this link. I don't just make this stuff up people. I mean, if the word is on urbandictionary.com, it must be true! Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Anyways, just so you know, my penis is good for distance. My semen was the first semen in space, I have the plaque from NASA and everything. Good news for all you ladies out there, my accuracy is horrible, so that means I won't get any in your eye.

Number 3

Women's Wrestling

I could be wrong, but there's always room for jello, right?

Okay, with the inception of the bikini-clad cheerleaders at volleyball matches this year, you would think they'd have women's jello wrestling by now? Hell, I'd settle for mud wrestling, but I digress. Seriously though, who thought it was a good idea to have women's wrestling (without jello or mud, no less) at the Olympics? It is a new event this year, but I highly doubt it goes over too well. To jazz it up, I would hope for jello, but like I said, mud would work just as well. I don't care how many letters we have to write to the Olympic Committee, we need to unite on this one!

Number 2

Diving

Nowadays even the girls enjoy (muff) diving! (thanks to Rich for his contributions on the one-liner)

Not much I can say about that one. If you don't get it, check out urbandictionary.com. Did I mention that this blog is brought to you by urbandictionary.com? Go there for all your urban dictionary needs, or something. Really though, urbandictionary.com is, quite possibly, the best site on the web (next to this site, of course). If you have never been there before, I highly recommend checking it out. Oh, but before you check out urbandictionary.com, be sure to stick around for the grand finale of my top ten.

Number 1

Clean and Jerk (weight lifting)

Sounds like something I do in the shower....

Okay, that is three, count them, three masturbation jokes. In other words, that is roughly a third of my top ten. Hey, what can I say, I stick with what I know. Seriously though, could anyone explain the history behind the name of this event? I just find it to be a strange name for a weight lifthing event, but I don't know much about weight lifthing. In other words, I'm weak, and I'm sure all of the women Olympians of this event could kick my ass. That isn't saying a lot though, I'm sure they could kick just about anyone's ass they wanted to.

Well, that is all for my top ten. I really hope you enjoyed it because I put a lot of time and effort into it this time. I am thinking about starting a new segment on my blog, so more details on that at a later date. Oh, and just a little note for myself, I put a counter at the end of my blog, on this date, at around 6:00 p.m. eastern standard time. End of transmission.