So put your hands down my pants...

and I'll bet you'll feel nuts.

I don't know many things in life, but I do know one thing. I absolutely hate my job. I know, I know. Just about everyone hates their job. But seriously. I really hate my job. What do I hate most about it? Well, let me tell you.

I could take the easy way out and just say the customers. But like I said, that is taking the easy way out. There are various kinds of customers, some good, some bad. The good ones, obviously, don't piss me off at all. The bad ones, however, more than make up for it. Let me give you a few examples of the bad.

Customers that say, when you are working on a holiday, "It sucks that you have to work on [insert holiday here]." I've went over this before. Again, do people just not think? Do people just not care? Yes, I reailze that it sucks working on holidays. Thanks for bringing it up, jackass. I also realize that some people are just trying to make conversation when they say this, and that is fine. But after about four or five people say it to you, you get a little sick of it. Please people, for the love of God, or Allah, or whatever you beileve in. Do not, under no circumstances, say this to anyone working during a holiday. My blood pressure thanks you for it.

Customers that say stupid things, in general. I had one customer say, "Man, those Bud eight packs are the greatest invention ever." I was dumbfounded when he said this to me. Completely floored. I mean, really? Bud eight packs. Greatest thing ever invented? Not the light bulb? Or maybe the printing press? How about steam engine? Nope, Bud eight packs. Greatest invention ever. I didn't know what to say to the guy. Bud eight packs. Greatest thing ever invented. That's all I could think of the rest of the day. It was, quite possibly, the dumbest comment anyone ever made to me in my life. Dwell on that quote for another second. Bud eight packs. Greatest invention ever. Okay, not too long. You might injure your brain.

Customers that buy scratch lottery tickets/play the lotto. I want to start of by saying that playing the lottery is the biggest waste of money in the world. Well, maybe not the biggest. The war in Iraq is the biggest, but that is neither here nor there. In any event, the lottery, and gambling in general, is a huge waste of your money. And people continue to play it. And the regulars that come in and play every day, all they do is complain. Listen, people. I want to make this quite clear. It isn't my fault that I sold you a loser. It is your fault for buying it in the first place. Don't come back the next day and say, "You sold me a loser the other day." Technically, I did. But again, it's not like I know I'm selling you a loser. So it isn't my fault. So please, just shut your effing mouth.

Another thing that bothers me regarding people playing the lottery (but not nearly as much), is when people say, "Sell me the winning ticket." People say this to me especially when the Mega Millions gets up to 100+ million. Again, listen people. If I could sell anyone the winning ticket, it would be me. But I don't play the lottery. If I did though, you better bet your sorry ass that the winning ticket would go to me. Not you. Not your grandma. Not your spouse. Me. If I had any way of selling anyone the winning ticket, it would go to me. I can't reiterate that enough. If I had some magical way of setting someone up with the jackpot ticket, I would sell it to myself. Then, after I collect my winnings, I would buy the 7-11 I'm currently working at. Set it on fire and then piss on the ashes. Demolish whatever is left and pave over it. And then, when all is said and done, I would sell the lot to Speedway. That would be the start of my quest to rid the whole world of 7-11. It's a dirty job, but someone has got to do it.

Okay, moving on. Customers that bring in bottle returns. This is something that really ruffles my feathers. And I don't even have feathers. If you are reading this, you may or may not be familiar with bringing back bottle returns. Most states do not have a bottle return policy. Well, Michigan does. When you purchase various liquids in glass bottles, plastic bottles, and aluminum cans, you pay a 10 cents deposite per bottle/can. In order to get your 10 cents back, you must return said bottle/can. Now, that would be all well and good, if it wasn't for the next thing I'm about to say. People bring in returns that are absolutely disgusting. Returns that are just dirty. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. If you've ever had to accept bottle returns back, you know what I'm talking about. It is hard to describe what exactly makes these returns dirty. I suspect that it is mostly salvia, but I'm sure there are other things floating around in those returns. And whatever is in those returns inevitably gets onto the outside of the bottles/cans. So please people. I beg of you. Please, please, please wash your bottles/cans before you return them.

Before I wrap this up, I have two final things to say about bottle returns. Number one, I want to know where I have to sign so that I no longer have to pay a deposit on my returns. I will promise not to litter, and I will even promise to recycle the bottles/cans. I just want to know where I have to sign, or whose dick I have to suck, in order to avoid the hassle of paying for bottle deposits and returning the bottles. There has got to be a way for the citizens of this state to opt out of the bottle deposit program. Like I said, I would be willing to sign a statement that says, "If we find you littering your bottles/cans, your fine is triple," or whatever punishment they see fit. There has got to be a way. Whenever I bring this idea up to people though, it doesn't have much of a following. I usually get the idiotic response of, "But you'll be losing 10 cents!" to which I hit myself over the head with a tack hammer. I don't know what it is with people, or if it's just me, but I like to think that I make myself fairly clear when I speak of my ideas. With my idea in place, YOU DO NOT PAY THE 10 CENTS DEPOSIT. Therefore, YOU DO NOT LOSE 10 CENTS. The trade-off is, of course, you cannot litter the bottles/cans, or else you have to pay the penalty.

Okay, I said I wanted to say two final things about bottle returns and here is number two. Michigan bums have got to be the richest bums in America. Nowhere else in this country, as far as I know, can you get 10 cents per bottle return. What point am I trying to make here? The current 10 cents per bottle return policy attracts bums to Michigan. Now, I haven't seen the latest bum migration charts for this year yet, so take this for what it's worth. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that bums flock to Michigan once they catch wind of the bottle return policy. When asked what their reason was for moving to Michigan, I'm sure most bums would say, "The bottle return policy." I realize that there is no way of tracking this, and I also realize that I'm being a bit insensitive here, so I will stop now. You have to admit though, I have a point.

Well, that's all the time I have tonight. It's a quarter after midnight and I have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go back to work. Until next time, this is Ken Schweigel saying, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I just rocked you like a hurricane." I know, I know. Not the best closing statement in the world. However, it is something that I can sort of call me own. Good night, everyone.