The Matt Millen Drinking Game

If you're like me, you can't stand former Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen. His ineptitude as a general manager was second to none and won't soon be matched. He will go down as one of the worst General Managers of all-time, with a sparkling eight year record of 31-97 (wins-losses) during his reign of terror. He single-handedly set the organization back at least ten years, maybe more. When he wasn't drafting wide receivers, he was calling a wide receiver (Johnny Morton) a fag. And when the media wanted to talk to him after he was fired, to hold him accountable for an epic failure as big as Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino combined, he was no where to be found.

Fast forward to a few months after he was fired. He is on television again, doing commentary for NBC during the Super Bowl. After running the Detroit Lions into the ground, seemingly losing any creditability he once had, he's somehow back on TV again. Even after making $50 million dollars from the Lions, $50 million fucking dollars, an amount of money anyone could happily retire on, he has the audacity to appear on TV again. He took the Lions to the cleaners, laughing all the way to the bank and all that jazz, and that was all well and good, we were happy to be rid of him forever.

But no, Matt Millen is like that relative who comes to visit you that you have a hard time getting rid of. Better yet, he's like herpes. He keeps coming back, no matter what you do. No matter how much cream or lotion you put on Matt Millen, no matter how dry or clean you keep him, he just keeps coming back. Fast forward again to this football season. He's on not one, not two, but three networks. He does color commentary, for college games no less, on Saturday for ABC. He does pre-game/half-time/post-game coverage on Monday Night Football for ESPN (and he's probably on ESPN otherwise). And now, with Thursday night games in the mix, he's on the NFL network doing color commentary for those games.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what does any of this have to do with a Matt Millen drinking game? Well, I'm going to tell you. Since he is on three different times during the week, and since I watch a lot of football, I have been able to pick up on a few of his tendencies.

These are by no means comprehensive, so feel free to add your own wrinkles to the game. And please feel free to modify the game in any way you wish. I don't drink, and I've never played a drinking game, so I'm not entirely sure how they work. I think I know enough, however, to give you my version of the Matt Millen drinking game. So without further stalling for time, I present to you:

The Matt Millen Drinking Game

• Take a drink anytime he draws on the screen during the actual game. Note: Don't drink if this happens during a replay (you'd be really drunk if you drink on the replays too, so feel free to add that, if you think you can handle it).
• Take a drink anytime he mentions Penn State
• Take another drink if he is referring to a player from Penn State or his old playing days at Penn State (this has the potential for disaster if he's calling a Penn State game, so use your best judgment)
• Take a drink anytime he evaluates or compliments a player (take another if it's a wide receiver)
• Take another drink if you don't agree with his evaluation or compliment (this will probably happen a lot, so use your best judgment here too)
• Take a drink anytime he makes an obvious mistake on a rule or on a call by the officials (take another if it happens during a challenge or a booth review)
• Take a drink anytime he compliments the officials, (take another if he uses the phrase "that's good officiating")
• Take a drink anytime he says "that's good football" or something to that effect
• Take a drink anytime he says "a hat on a hat" (take another if he says it while telestrating a play)
• Take a drink anytime he makes a bad joke or tries to be funny (this will most definitely happen a lot, so use your best judgment again)
• Take another drink if his TV partner laughs awkwardly at his attempt at humor

Well, that's all I have for now. I will continue to watch him, even though I can't stand him, to try to pick up on any more tendencies that I can. I hope that you liked my drinking game and that it makes Matt Millen more bearable to watch. If it doesn't, hey, at least you're drunk. And that's what's important, right?