Sons of Michigan! I am William Wallace.
William Wallace is seven feet tall!
Yes, I've heard. Smokes cigarettes by the hundreds. And if he were here, he'd consume Governor Granholm with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.
*The group of smokers laugh...and cough, while continuing to chuckle*
No, that's Ben Wallace you're thinking of. I am William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my statesmen, here in defiance of tyranny. You've come to smoke as free men...and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?
*A chorus of no's erupt from the crowd of smokers, clearly fearful for their lives*
Fight? Against that? No! We will run home. And we will smoke there.
Aye, fight and you may die. Run home, and you'll smoke...at least a while. And dying from cancer, many months from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell Governor Granholm that she may take our smokes, but she'll never take our freedom!
Smokers Forever!
That's pretty much how it happened on May 1st. True story. You...you don't believe me? Well, why don't you check out this footage and then tell me I'm lying. Oh, that's from a movie, you say? I guess there's no denying that, you've got me there. It is a scene, featuring William Wallace, from the movie Braveheart.
And like William Wallace, smokers in present day Michigan feel like they are being oppressed. They feel like they are being unjustly treated and they are mad about it. Well, if you're mad about the smoking ban, I can understand your anger. You had something and somebody took it away from you. It's like that time, when you were a little kid, and a friend got really mad at you and took his ball and went home. I can see how that would be frustrating. I really can.
I'm here to tell you, however, that you don't have the right to smoke wherever you want to. Think of your right to smoke like your right to freedom of speech. You have the right to say whatever you want to whomever you want, unless you infringe upon other people's rights. For example, you can't yell fire in a movie theater (unless there's a fire, of course). If you do that, you are posing a risk to all those other people in the movie theater. You are endangering not only your own life, but the life's of those other people. Your right to smoke is analogous to that. You can smoke wherever you want, whenever you want to, unless you infringe upon other people's rights. When you smoke around other people, you are posing a health risk to them. You are endangering not only your own life, but the lives of those around you. So, you see, you're infringing on other people's rights when you smoke around them.
I know it's hard sometimes to realize that other people have rights too, especially when you feel like you're being wronged. Just remember, non-smokers have rights too and smokers' rights are not more important than non-smokers' rights. Now, you may be asking why non-smokers' rights trump smokers' rights in the case of the smoking ban. That is a fair question to ask. What we have here is a conflict of rights, so whose rights are more important then? The side that is willingly pumping toxic fumes into their body, or the side that is unwillingly breathing in those fumes? Well, when you are dealing with a severe health risk like we are here, I think most rational people would agree that the side that is subjected to those fumes is being treated unfairly. Their rights are being infringed upon the most. It's not fair for non-smokers to be subjected to smoke, which is why Michigan has the smoking ban in bars and restaurants now. And remember, Michigan is the 38th state to do this. We're way behind the curve here. Other states have had the smoking ban for years, and most of those states have found that it doesn't have an adverse effect on the businesses of bars and restaurants (in fact, business improves in some cases).
And even if business stays the same or slightly decreases, the health of the bar and restaurant employees is just as important a reason for the smoking ban. Think of the employees of those establishments like you would the technician who X-rays your teeth when you go to the dentist. Don't you sometimes wonder why the technician goes behind a wall, and leaves you with just a lead vest for protection? It's like, gee thanks, you're behind a wall of solid concrete, and you're leaving me with what amounts to a sweater vest? If the god damn sweater vest is good enough to protect me, why isn't it good enough to protect you? When you come back in the room to put another X-ray strip in my mouth, I hope you bring protection for your fingers because I'm going to bite those fuckers off! I'm kidding, of course. The reason the technician does what they do is a simple matter of numbers. The technician doing your X-rays doesn't just do your X-rays, they probably do hundreds of X-rays a week (and thousands a year). If they stayed in the same room with you, wearing the same lead vest you do, they would be exposed to that radiation 100+ times a week. You're only exposed to it one day out of the year, so that amount of radiation isn't dangerous to you. That amount of radiation could be lethal if you were exposed to it as often as the X-ray technician would be if they didn't have that wall though. By the same token, the employees of bars and restaurants aren't just exposed to your smoke. They are exposed to your smoke, and everyone else who smokes, for all of the hours that they work. The amount of smoke that they breath in from you probably isn't dangerous, but it becomes dangerous when you consider the amount of smoke from each person who smokes throughout the day. So, the smoking ban is like the wall that protects the X-ray technician. It's there to protect the employees of bars and restaurants from the dangers of continuous second hand smoke exposure.
If I haven't convinced you of the merits of the smoking ban by now, I'll never convince you. And I know that most of you smokers out there are still mad, even after reading the above. Some of you are even pissed off to the point where you think that one of your fundamental freedoms is being taken away from you. You probably see the smoking ban as a "slippery slope" towards more freedoms being taken away by the government. I'm not here to change your mind if you think that, but I have a suggestion for you. Take a deep breathe and relax. I know it's hard to relax, especially when you haven't had a cigarette within the last five minutes because of the smoking ban, but just take a deep breathe and relax for me. Are you relaxed yet? Okay, good. Now take off that silly ass tin foil hat. Oh, and just to be safe, better remove all of your fillings too. We wouldn't want the CIA picking up anything I'm about to say, after all. Alright, are you ready to level with me now? Great, grand, wonderful! The government isn't out to get you. Your sky isn't falling. The world isn't ending. You won't wake up tomorrow, living in Soviet Russia, where cigarettes smoke you! It will all be okay. And if it makes you feel any better, go write a strongly worded letter to your congressperson. Or failing that, go have another cigarette, just make sure it isn't in a bar or restaurant in Michigan!
Thank you, Detroit, and good night!
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