Lady Gaga broke my heart...

'cause I couldn't dance. She didn't even want me around. And now I'm back, to let her know, I can really shake 'em down. Oh, and I would also like to let her know that she broke my computer and I'm sending her the repair bill. How did she break my computer, you ask? Please read on to find out.

Without getting too technical here, my computer is currently out of commission. I'm not 100% sure what's wrong with it at this point, but I think I've narrowed it down to two things. Either a) the video card is fried, or b) Lady Gaga broke my computer. The more logical answer is, of course, the video card is toast. However, when the only thing you've been doing differently on the computer is listening to Lady Gaga ad nauseam the past few days, you start to question your judgment (and possibly your sanity).

So, to Lady Gaga, I would just like to say this. I don't know what I did to deserve your wrath. I figured that the restraining order you issued was punishment enough for me. I wanted your love, but I didn't realize your revenge would be breaking my computer. And I know we've had our differences in the past. You like to play poker, I like to play euchre. You want one's ugly and disease, whereas I prefer a beautiful disease-free experience. I enjoy it when you're bluffin' with your muffin, but not so much when you're stunnin' with your love-glue-gunning. I'm still your biggest fan, despite of all that, and I'll follow you until you love me. Pa-pa...well, you know how the rest goes.

I guess...what I'm trying to say is...I'm sorry. I don't know how I'm going to make it up to you, but I think I have an idea. I'm going to dedicate a song to you, Lady Gaga. So, without further ado, here is my version of Lola by the Kinks:

I met her in a club down in old Soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola
C-O-L-A cola

She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, "Gaga"
G-A-G-A Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight, she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
Why she walked like a woman, but talked like a man
Oh my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candle light
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said "Dear boy, won't you come home with me?"

Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy
But when I looked in her eyes
Well, I almost fell for my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Gaga ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

I pushed her away
I walked to the door
I fell to the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me

Well, that's the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
Except for Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I left home just a week before
And I never ever kissed a woman before
But Gaga smiled and took me by the hand
And said "Dear boy, I'm gonna make you a man"

Well I'm not the world's most masculine man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
And so is Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Gaga ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga...

If I was a lyrical genius of parody, like Weird Al, I could do more than just change the "lo" to "ga" and Lola to Gaga. Sadly, I'm not. Maybe I'll try another day, but that's all I have time for right now. Thank you and good night!