Cuckoo for Gaga Puffs

Is it weird that I think the song Bad Romance, by Lady Gaga, is about me? I mean, it's not even really me who thinks that. It's a friend of mine, actually. Yes, a friend of mine...he thinks that the song Bad Romance is about him. He has had it playing, on a permanent loop no less, for the past week. So, is it odd that my friend is currently infatuated with Lady Gaga? Why does this matter, you ask? Well, if you aren't hip to what the kids are saying these days, you might not know why. Please read on to find out.

The word on the street is that Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite. I have no idea if this is true or not, it is just a rumor after all. If it is true though, my friend has a perplexing conundrum on his hands. What should he do about his desires? Should he confess his undying love for Lady Gaga, or should he just keep it to himself? He doesn't even really know what a bad romance with Lady Gaga entails anyway. I mean, how would it work? She's a hermaphrodite...would she like, have to tuck it, or something? And being a hermaphrodite and all, what does she prefer? Without getting too graphic here, does she prefer muffins or sausage for breakfast, if you know what I'm saying? How about for lunch, a tuna or salami sandwich, if you catch my drift? Or for dinner, does she like a particular variety of cock or maybe some clams, if you see my meaning? How about dessert...okay, I'll stop there. The crème brûlée would probably leave a bad taste in her mouth anyway.

My friend is looking for any and all advice you may have for him. This is a question of a 21st century man living in gender confused times. It is a question that is very near and dear to my friend's heart and mind (and maybe some other body part that I'm not at liberty to mention). It is a question you might be asking yourself right now, if you're a fan of Lady Gaga (and maybe even if you're not). It is not only a question one must ask oneself, it is also a question that your kids, and your kids' kids, will face someday. What should you do when you have a mild attraction to a hermaphrodite? God, please give me the strength to know the answer. I mean, please give my friend the strength to know the answer. Yes, that's right....

On a semi-related note, the YouTube video of the aforementioned Lady Gaga song has recently passed the Charlie bit my finger video. As of this writing, both videos have nearly 180 million views on YouTube. I'm ashamed to admit that I have contributed, many many times, to the number of views on both videos. Hell, who am I kidding? I'm not ashamed to admit it, not in the slightest. And when Charlie's balls finally drop, he shouldn't be ashamed to admit the things he enjoys either. Because, damn it, the things you enjoy are part of who you are. And even if those things involve a suspected hermaphrodite, or even biting fingers for that matter, you can't help what you enjoy. So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!!!

Update: It has recently come to my attention that Lady Gaga is currently celibate. No word yet on my friend's reaction, but I'm sure he's probably crestfallen. In before the, "it's easy to be celibate when you're a hermaphrodite," jokes.