Bowling Week 3

Well, here is my bowling speech from week 3:

The Lions started out the first week of the football season with a 20-16 victory over the Bears. Kirby’s Heroes started out the first week of the bowling season with a 4-3 victory over Boedeker Construction. As you can see, both of these contests were very close, but the important thing here is that each team came away with the victory. Both teams hoped that this monument would carry them into week two, but still, no one thought much of either team.

These low expectations, coupled with a strong individual performance by each team’s star player, worked to each respective team’s advantage in week two. The Lions came out with a strong 28-16 triumph over the Texans. Kirby, who was at the game, was probably drunk off his ass by the start of the third quarter. In any event, he could attest to the strong individual performance put forth by the Lions star player, Roy Williams. The road to victory was very much the same for Kirby’s Heroes. Kirby’s Heroes came away with a 7-0 demolition of Team Remax. Kirby, who was at the bowling alley (on time, no less), was definitely drunk off his ass by the start of the third game. At any rate, he obviously didn’t miss the strong individual performance by Donnie in the second game. No disrespect to Team Remax though, they were a much more worthily opponent than the Texans were against the Lions.

Coming into week three, the Lions were firing on all cylinders. Too bad they ran out of gas. In a dismal showing, the Eagles destroyed the Lions, 30-13. In other words, the Lions got their asses handed to them by the Eagles. Now, this is where, I believe, we will differ from the Lions. The Lions faced an obviously superior team in week three. To a certain extent, this is also the case for us in week three. Here me out though, before you get all up in arms about me referring to our team as inferior (that isn’t what I mean).

This week, we face Our Gang, who finished in fourth place during the first half of last seasons. During the second half of last season, we finished in fourth place. This is clearly an equal battle, in terms of where each team finished in each half last year. Nevertheless, we are still seen as the inferior team because we are the unproven team. While most of the other teams in this league have been together for many years, we have only been together for one half season of bowling. This means that other teams perceive us to be unproven, and thusly, we are perceived, by other teams, to be the inferior team.


Whether our opponent thinks of us in this way, either consciously or subconsciously, is of no regard to us. In order to gain respect around the league, we must change this perception right now, this very week. We are a young team (except for Kirby, but he is young at heart), which means that we must show this league the youthful vigor that makes us great.

Each of us displays this youthful vigor in different ways. I not only display it by writing speeches, but I also display it by cracking jokes that aren’t funny sometimes. Is my life over just because I’m not funny all of the time? No, nothing is over until I decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! I will never stop writing speeches and I will never stop trying to be funny.

Okay, moving right along to my good friend Matt, who just oozes youthful vigor (sometimes in his pants). Matt is a good guy and this bowling team would not be complete without him. I mean, if he wasn’t on the team, then who would buy me peanuts every week? Paul, on the other hand, is like a cancer to this team. Just kidding Paul, but lose the hat man, it is a huge distraction to you. Another important note, Paul will be able to drink (legally), next week at bowling, so we all have that to look forward to.

Not much more can be said about Kirby and Donnie. Kirby demonstrates his youthful vigor by being young at heart. In addition to that, he is the heart and soul of this team. Kirby gives this team courage, which is something a cowardly lion is supposed to do, by taking courage away from the other team with his intimidating presence. Donnie, as I said, is the star of this team. He displays his youthful vigor by punching walls and being our clutch bowler. Kirby might disagree, but Donnie is the anchor of this team, and he is the right man for the job. Kirby would also make a great anchor, and he is also good in the clutch, but he always forgets one important detail. In order to be the anchor, you have to be smarter than an actual anchor, which Kirby is not. I’m kidding Kirby, so go have another beer. Oh, and this time, it is on me. I don’t mean that I’ll pay for it, but I’m sure that you’ll spill it on me, at some point during the night.

In closing, I would just like to say thank you for making it this far in my speech. I would also like to point out that I know that the Germans didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, but my point remains the same. Anyways, the person who can tell me which movie that quote came from gets a prize. Again, I thank you for your time and may Allah bless your soul. (end of speech)

It obviously didn't help much, we lost all seven points. I don't know, maybe I jinxed us or something with all the comparisons with the Lions. I don't believe that, but that is what Paul said. Kirby said that I am a good write, but I told him that I wasn't that good (because I'm not). He said that I should send some of my stuff into a newspaper, but I think it was the alcohol talking (he wasn't drunk, but that is what I told him). Anyways, that is all I have to update on for now. Good night everyone.