Complaints and Grievances

Yeah, I know I borrowed the title from George Carlin, but he is a good person to borrow things from. Over the past month, a lot of things have been bothering me about the world.

For starts, as you may or may not know, my sister got fired from her job. She worked at 7-11, with me, and she got fired about a month ago. It was around St. Patrick's day and she was fired for selling alcohol to a minor. It was a sting operation performed by the wonderful organization known as the Liquor Control Commission (LCC). Basically, our tax dollars at work. Michigan has an LCC, and I'm sure every state has one. I'm not sure how they do this internationally, but I'm almost positive that other countries aren't nearly as obsessed with preventing the so called crime of selling alcohol to a minor. Now don't get me wrong, there should be a legal drinking age here in the States, but it shouldn't be 21. 19 sounds good to me, like Canada. In any event, my sister got fired for selling alcohol to a person who was under 21. I'm not sure how old this person was, but that isn't the point. The point is that people in the age bracket of 18-21, and even younger, drink all the time. Not every 18-21 year old does, but it is a fairly common occurrence. Why then is this such a big deal?

At 18 we are considered adults, for the most part. We can get drafted, go to war, and die for our country. Why can't we crack open a beer if we feel like it? I don't drink, but I'm just saying, why is this such a hot button issue? Why do we have to have a commission that is dedicated to performing a sting operation on a 7-11 and costing someone their job? Again, don't get me wrong, my sister should have been more careful. It is, after all, the law. But my main point in all of this is that certain things in this state, and certain things in this country, don't make any sense. The drinking age needs to be lowered, at the very least, to 19. I think it would solve a lot of problems because it would take away the taboo of drinking. Some people drink like fiends until they are 21, and once they are of age, it's like all the magic is gone. I'm generalizing here, but alls I'm trying to say is that once it is no longer considered illegal, it isn't as big as a rush or whatever for some people. I'm done complaining about that though.

I ended up writing a piece of propaganda for my sister, trying to solicit funds for her, because she has to pay a very hefty fine soon. I basically wrote this as a joke, but I ended up giving it to her to show to some people at a St. Patrick's Day party that she was going to. She didn't get many donations, although a lot of people liked it. Anyways, here is the piece:

Why you should donate to Ashley’s “I Fucked up and Sold to a Minor” Fund

By Kenny Schweigel

In a perfect society, this fund would be unnecessary. The legal drinking age should really be 18. If you can be sent into war and potentially die for your country, you should be able to legally crack open a beer. I would even settle for the drinking age to be set at 19, like Canada, but that is neither here nor there. What I really want to do with this speech is try to persuade you to donate. I will give you a few reasons; I will try to appeal to you sensibilities, and hopefully, you will find it in your heart to donate to this fund.

Reason number one. I am sure everyone in this room has had an alcoholic beverage or two (or three or four…) while they were underage. You might not have tried to purchase alcohol while underage, you might have, but, the fact of the matter is, you probably didn’t get caught doing either of those two things. Ashley got caught selling alcohol to a minor. You, yourself, have probably participated in underage drinking in your youth, and you might have been one of the more ballsy few who tried to purchase alcohol as a minor. What am I trying to get at here? I’m trying to say that you owe the karma gods big time. You probably had a few alcoholic beverages in your underage days, and you might have purchased alcohol in your underage days, so you owe the karma gods in a major way. This is your chance to repay them. If you don’t believe in karma, that’s fine. Donate anyway.

Reason number two. Ashley is looking at a $500 fine here, possibly more. She barely makes 200 bucks a week, has bills to pay, and she just lost her job. Now, I know that everyone has bills to pay, and I know that everyone’s money is valuable to them. She’s not asking for much though. If she gets just one dollar from each of you, she will be grateful. If she can get one dollar from 500 people, that will be her $500 dollars right there. It is probably an unrealistic goal, but she is going to try. She sees no other way. She is feeling down right now, so please, lift up her spirits and donate to this fund.

Reason number three. It was an honest mistake. I worked with Ashley that night, and I could have been the one who made that mistake. Ashley isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, and I’d even go as far as to say that she’s the black crayon, but there is no reason why she should have to pay this fine by herself. As I said before, in a perfect society, this fund wouldn’t be necessary. Sure, she did sell to a minor and that is wrong. It was her first offence though, and she didn’t do it intentionally. She should have received a warning, at the very least. Instead, she will have to pay a $500 dollar fine (possibly more) and she has lost her job. Is this justice? When you think of justice, is this what you think of? Please, look deep into your consciousness and donate to this fund.

Well, I can’t think of any more reasons right now, so I’m done trying to persuade you. I’m sure there are many more reasons, so this isn’t definitive by any means. I would just like to thank you for taking the time to read this and Ashley thanks you, from the bottom of her heart, for donating to this fund. Before we part ways though, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Ashley wasn’t blessed with many brain cells, but, I think you’ll agree with me here, she makes up for it with her beauty and her charm. With that in mind, how can you say no to that face?

And there it is.

Moving on. Compassionate Conservatives. You hear this term all the time. Bush is a compassionate conservative. But really, if these conservatives are so compassionate, then why do they need the additional adjective in front of their ideology? If they are so compassionate, why do they need the word compassionate in front of their belief? Do liberals do that? No. Now I'm not saying that no conservatives are compassioante, nor am I saying that all liberals are comassionate. I'm just saying that those who call themselves compassionate conservatives are not at all compassionate. That would be like me calling myself Big Dick Ken. It would be like me adding that extra phrase in front of my name. In fact, I might just do that. Here is how it would go down:

Random Person: Hey Big Dick Ken, how's it going?
Me: Pretty good. Just trying to keep my big dick in my pants. And for all the ladies out there, there is a reason why I have big dick in front of my name. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

Maybe if I start calling myself that, I'll have a better chance with the ladies. Maybe not.... At any rate, you know what they say. If you say something often enough, people will start to believe it. It might work for me, it might not. It sure as hell is working for the conservatives though.

Okay, one last thing. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put words on the back of little girl's shorts. This little girl walked into 7-11 the other day and she had those shorts with a word stitched on the back. You know the ones I'm talking about. I understand the reasoning behind, pardon the pun, stitching a word on the back of women's shorts, it draws attention to the ass. But really, little girls? Do you really want people looking at a little girl's ass? Does any attention need to be drawn to that area of a little girl? This new line of clothing is just giving a pedophile an excuse to look at the ass of a little girl. And hell, I'm not even a pedophile and I was drawn to the ass. It was mildly disturbing, morally wrong, and it made me feel weird inside. So, to whoever decided it was a good idea to stitch words on the back of little girl's shorts, what the hell were you thinking?

Well, that's all I got for you tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.