The Matt Millen Drinking Game

If you're like me, you can't stand former Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen. His ineptitude as a general manager was second to none and won't soon be matched. He will go down as one of the worst General Managers of all-time, with a sparkling eight year record of 31-97 (wins-losses) during his reign of terror. He single-handedly set the organization back at least ten years, maybe more. When he wasn't drafting wide receivers, he was calling a wide receiver (Johnny Morton) a fag. And when the media wanted to talk to him after he was fired, to hold him accountable for an epic failure as big as Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino combined, he was no where to be found.

Fast forward to a few months after he was fired. He is on television again, doing commentary for NBC during the Super Bowl. After running the Detroit Lions into the ground, seemingly losing any creditability he once had, he's somehow back on TV again. Even after making $50 million dollars from the Lions, $50 million fucking dollars, an amount of money anyone could happily retire on, he has the audacity to appear on TV again. He took the Lions to the cleaners, laughing all the way to the bank and all that jazz, and that was all well and good, we were happy to be rid of him forever.

But no, Matt Millen is like that relative who comes to visit you that you have a hard time getting rid of. Better yet, he's like herpes. He keeps coming back, no matter what you do. No matter how much cream or lotion you put on Matt Millen, no matter how dry or clean you keep him, he just keeps coming back. Fast forward again to this football season. He's on not one, not two, but three networks. He does color commentary, for college games no less, on Saturday for ABC. He does pre-game/half-time/post-game coverage on Monday Night Football for ESPN (and he's probably on ESPN otherwise). And now, with Thursday night games in the mix, he's on the NFL network doing color commentary for those games.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what does any of this have to do with a Matt Millen drinking game? Well, I'm going to tell you. Since he is on three different times during the week, and since I watch a lot of football, I have been able to pick up on a few of his tendencies.

These are by no means comprehensive, so feel free to add your own wrinkles to the game. And please feel free to modify the game in any way you wish. I don't drink, and I've never played a drinking game, so I'm not entirely sure how they work. I think I know enough, however, to give you my version of the Matt Millen drinking game. So without further stalling for time, I present to you:

The Matt Millen Drinking Game

• Take a drink anytime he draws on the screen during the actual game. Note: Don't drink if this happens during a replay (you'd be really drunk if you drink on the replays too, so feel free to add that, if you think you can handle it).
• Take a drink anytime he mentions Penn State
• Take another drink if he is referring to a player from Penn State or his old playing days at Penn State (this has the potential for disaster if he's calling a Penn State game, so use your best judgment)
• Take a drink anytime he evaluates or compliments a player (take another if it's a wide receiver)
• Take another drink if you don't agree with his evaluation or compliment (this will probably happen a lot, so use your best judgment here too)
• Take a drink anytime he makes an obvious mistake on a rule or on a call by the officials (take another if it happens during a challenge or a booth review)
• Take a drink anytime he compliments the officials, (take another if he uses the phrase "that's good officiating")
• Take a drink anytime he says "that's good football" or something to that effect
• Take a drink anytime he says "a hat on a hat" (take another if he says it while telestrating a play)
• Take a drink anytime he makes a bad joke or tries to be funny (this will most definitely happen a lot, so use your best judgment again)
• Take another drink if his TV partner laughs awkwardly at his attempt at humor

Well, that's all I have for now. I will continue to watch him, even though I can't stand him, to try to pick up on any more tendencies that I can. I hope that you liked my drinking game and that it makes Matt Millen more bearable to watch. If it doesn't, hey, at least you're drunk. And that's what's important, right?

The Damn Yankees

I was going to do a post today about a Matt Millen drinking game that I came up with, but something major happened today. That something major is the trade of my favorite Detroit Tiger, Curtis Granderson, to my least favorite team in all of sports, the New York fucking Yankees.

Call me old fashioned, but I love the idea of a team drafting a player, developing that player's skills in the minors (if he needs it), and then when he finally gets to the big club, he is a good/great player and spends his whole career with the team that drafted him. The Red Wings did this with Steve Yzerman. The Pistons did this with Joe Dumars and Isiah Thomas. The Tigers did this with Al Kaline. And the Tigers had the chance to do this again with Curtis Granderson, but failed epically by trading him to the Yankees today.

Now, Granderson isn't as great a player as the ones mentioned above, but he is a good player. Add to it the fact that he's an even better person, and you have the makings of a guy that could have been a Detroit sports icon. A guy that Detroit sports fans could have idolized for all-time, especially if he won a championship. After what transpired today, however, that chance is, as Ernie Harwell would say, loooooong gone.

And who do we have to thank for this? The answer is, of course, the Detroit Tigers' General Manager, Dave Dombrowski. The guy who made bad signing after bad signing, a trade that should never have been made, and an option that should never have been picked up. So, thanks for signing Dontrelle Willis to that contract extension ($29 million, 3 years), despite the fact that he showed signs of decline in Florida. I can't wait to hop on the D-Train next year, Dave (toot toot). And thanks for resigning Nate Robertson ($21.25 million, 3 years) to a contract he totally deserved, Dave. I hope you're ready for gum time because I know I am (end sarcasm). Oh, and thanks for trading for an old and busted Gary Sheffield, and then extending him two more years (for a grand total of over 38 million, 3 years). And to top it off, you should have let go of Magglio Ordonez earlier in the year, instead of keeping him on the team, which kicked in his $18 million option for next year. That playoff run this year was so worth it. Oh wait, that's right, you didn't make the playoffs this year. And don't even get me started on Brandon Inge and Carlos Guillen (they, I will admit, are the least of the Tigers' problems, but that's not saying much).

It just makes me nauseous to think of Curtis Granderson in Yankee pinstripes. I am literally sick to my stomach right now. But I'll remain a Tigers fan, despite all of this, because I'm a sick individual who loves everything about Detroit. I even love the Lions, as bad as that is.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope I can get to sleep tonight, after writing this, but I think I'm going to have trouble. I'm so fired up right now. You stay classy, San Diego.

Blue Eyed Peas

There used to be a show called "Kids Say the Darndest Things," hosted by one of my heroes, Bill Cosby. Well, I think I have an idea for a new show: "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." Now, I'm not talking about high school or college seniors. I'm talking about older people, age 60 or older. Let me present to you some of the gems my grandma has said to me over the past couple years.

The one I'm going to start off with will explain the title of this post. So, I guess the Black Eyed Peas performed on some television show last week. I think it was the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show, but my grandma said that wasn't it, but whatever. My grandma tuned in to whatever show it was, expecting the Black Eyed Peas to be something they weren't. She thought that she was tuning in to a performance of the Blue Man Group. You know, the earless and hairless guys painted blue, who bang on drums and do whatever the hell else they do (Here's a Google search if you don't know what I'm talking about). She had no idea what was going on, and she told me that she kept thinking, "but they are black, not blue." I laughed hysterically at this and explained her mistake. I can only imagine what she was thinking as she watched the performance. Oh, and I also told her that I thought only two of the Black Eyed Peas are black (I'm not sure myself, I don't care for their music).

The word black provides a nice segue into my next segment of "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." You know how Taco Bell used to have those Black Jack Tacos? I say used to because the one I go to doesn't have them anymore, but I'm not sure if that's true of all Taco Bell's. In any event, Taco Bell ran commercials offering a free Black Taco as a promotion during Halloween this year. So I said to my grandma, "You should try one, you love tacos." She replied, "but what if the person I'm ordering it from is black, I wouldn't know how to order it." I responded, "as long as you don't call it a nigger taco, you'll be fine" (and I used the N-word, please forgive me). She decided to try it after that, and she loved them, but I guess they took them off the menu for whatever reason.

And now for something completely different. My grandma wanted to see this movie, but she didn't know the name of it. So she came to me and asked me if I could find out what it was. The only thing that she could tell me was that it was about Australia and that Jack Blackman was in it. "You mean Hugh Jackman?" I said. She wasn't sure, so I look up Hugh Jackman on The Internet Movie Database. And what's the first movie I see listed under his name? You guessed it, Australia (it was the first movie listed at the time). She so reminded me of Homer Simpson at that point. Remember when he couldn't think of the title when describing the movie Speed? Here's his quote: "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" Go on and tell me that doesn't sound similar to what my grandma said!

Well, there are a few more, but that's all I have time for tonight. Maybe I'll type some more another time. And I know that it sort of sounds like I'm making fun of my grandma, but I'm not. I love her to death. She is one of the few people that can make me laugh on a consistent basis. She even says to me that she's glad she can bring so much joy into my life by saying and doing these things. She won't be around forever, but the memories she has given me will last for as long as I live.

Tim Tebow

If you don't know who Tim Tebow is, go do a quick Google search and familiarize yourself with him. Also "familiarize" yourself with his girlfriend, if you know what I mean. If you don't feel like doing that, I'll just say that he's a college football star that plays for the Florida Gators, and his girlfriend has big tits.

Let me start off by telling you about a chance encounter I had with Tim Tebow. Back in 2007, during the early days of the Tebow legend, I went on vacation with my family down in Florida. We were out at a restaurant, and I had to use the bathroom, so I excused myself and made my way over to the men's room.

As I walked through the restroom door, none other than Tim Tebow was at the only urinal. I waited politely for him to finish, and let him walk by me without saying a word because it's awkward to talk to anyone, especially the Supreme Overlord and Master of the Universe, in the bathroom. It took me a while to pull myself together, but then I remembered why I was in the bathroom in the first place, so I went over to the urinal to relieve myself. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I finished pissing, the bladder infection that I failed to mention until now was gone. And I didn't even have to have some strange black guy touch my junk! I just had to use the same urinal as Tim, and boom, it was gone. And even though Tim was probably in the parking lot by then, resurrecting a dead mouse or something, I said a prayer to thank him, hoping that God would relay the message.

Oh, you don't believe me, do you? Well, you're right. The story was total bullshit. And it may sound like I hate Tim Tebow, but I don't. I'm sure he's a quality individual, I'd probably even let him fuck my sister. I just think that people are a little over the top with him. Every time I watch a game he's playing in, and even sometimes a game he's not playing in, I'm subjected to the announcers just gushing over him. It's like John Madden with Brett Farve, except no one's on the telestrator drawing objects that look strangely like penises. Anyway, they go on and on about how great Tim is, about how he circumcises Filipino babies in his spare time, about how they talked to him before the game and now they are a much better person because of it. They even read the Bible verse he had written on his eye black this past Saturday.

So, to all you people out there who think he's great, we get it. He's better than us. He's better than you. He's better than me. While we're out there being unproductive sinning members of society, he's saving the world one circumcision at a time. Oh, and through the words of Jesus Christ too probably. He is a leader among men, a god among mortals, a gator among crocodiles, and we are merely left to worship at his altar. Except he wouldn't want us to do that, of course, because it would take away from his message that Christ is the only thing that you should worship. He's humble like that.

Anyway, that was my rant about Tim Tebow. And like I said, I don't hate him. I just don't think that he's as amazing as most people think he is, but I could be wrong. What are your thoughts?

I'll take famous titties for 400

Let me start off the post by saying that I know Jeopardy gives you the answer (which is the question), and then you give Alex (that pompous ass) your response in the form of a question (which is the answer). While typing this post, however, I thought it would be confusing to the reader if I referred to the answer (which is the question) as such, and the question (which is the answer) as such. I'm going to call the answer the question, and the question the answer. Confused yet? Read on....

Okay, so on Thursday's (11-19) Jeopardy, there was a question in which I thought the answer strippers applied. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong. The category was Un-Outsourceable (jobs that are not likely to go overseas). Let me first tell you what I thought the question was:

These public service workers who traditionally slide down a pole

Notice the word service. I obviously wasn't paying very good attention, because the actual wording was this (I looked it up on the Internet just now):

These public safety workers who traditionally slide down a pole

The answer was, of course, "What is a fireman." I spent pretty much the rest of the show complaining to my grandma (whom I watch the show with) that my answer would have been acceptable. I even went on about how it was a Celebrity Jeopardy, and one of the celebrities should have just said it for the laughs. I also argued with my grandma that strippers provide a public service just like a fireman (and they do!).

Anyways, I just thought I would share that.

Ken, you're doing it wrong

I don't know, maybe I suck at life, but I just don't understand people who get so excited over certain things. This is in reference to the Twilight movie that just came out. I just don't understand people who get so excited to see a movie, or read a book, or play a game, that they have to stay up until midnight to do it.

First off, I want to state that I have never and will never read the Twilight books (or see the movies). I know a little bit about them, from talking to a few people who have read them, and they just don't seem to be for me. Sparkling vampires, to me, are lame. Vampires that don't drink human blood, and have no fangs anyway, are super lame. These things probably aren't central to the plot or anything (maybe?), but you throw in the fact that it's basically a romance novel with vampires, and I have no interest in reading/seeing it.

Now, I'm not some sort of a snob who turns his nose up to a book/movie just because it's popular. I've read/seen all the Harry Potter books/movies and I enjoyed them all. Sure, they aren't the best books/movies I've read/seen, but I enjoyed them nonetheless. I've just never been so excited about them that I would even consider staying up until midnight just to be one of the first to read/see the latest book/movie.

When it comes to games, something I spend most of my time doing, I don't even get that excited. I'm not a big gamer by any stretch of the imagination, but I do play a game called World of Warcraft. Some people who are big gamers may view me, as a World of Warcraft player, the same way I view the Twilight fans (i.e. lame). However, the two reasons I play are a) it kills a lot of time and b) it's relatively cheap. I can't afford to do much else right now, and at only 15 dollars a month, I get a lot of bang for my buck. Anyway, on to my point.

Last November, Blizzard (the company that makes WoW) came out with an expansion for the game. There was a midnight release around where I live, and for the briefest of seconds, I thought about going. I thought to myself though, "Why do it? It won't kill me to wait until the morning." At that point, I decided to wait until the morning and I was right. It didn't kill me to wait.

So, my first question is the question I asked myself. Why do it? Why go to the midnight release of something? Do you go to prove to everybody how big of a fan you are? Do you go because you want to be all hip and trendy? Do you go so that you can tell everybody that you went? Do you go to just pass the time, out of sheer boredom? Do you go just because it's something to do?

My second question is from the opening thought of this post. Why do people get so excited over certain things? And this doesn't just apply to movies, books and video games. Some people get really excited to see a band/concert (I have never went to see a band before and I have no desire to go to a concert). Some people get super excited to meet a celebrity/sports star (I guess it would be cool to meet my favorite celebrity/sports star, but I would never send them fan mail or actively seek them out). Some people get excited to go to a sporting event (I've went to sporting events before, but I don't even cheer or scream when something good happens for my team).

I don't know, maybe I'm not normal, maybe I'm not human. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. And I've always been like this, for as long as I can remember. Anyways, I know that these questions will go unanswered, seeing as how no one reads this. They are pretty much rhetorical questions anyway, so there. Five Internets go to anyone who answering them though.

Why I Hate Fantasy Football

I'm going full disclosure here, I used to play fantasy football. However, what happened this past weekend reminded me of one of the reasons why I no longer participate in it.

If you didn't see the Jaguars-Jets game (don't worry, I didn't either), then you might of missed what happened. The score was 22-21 in favor of the Jets. With under 2 minutes on the clock in the fourth quarter, the Jaguars had the ball on the Jets 10 yard line (in the red zone) driving for a score to win the game. Keep in mind that the Jets didn't have any timeouts to stop the clock.

The Jaguars quarterback (Garrard) hands the ball off to the running back (Jones-Drew). Jones-Drew runs through the hole, and none of the Jets defensive players are trying to tackle him. The Jets want the ball, and they know that the only way they are going to get it back is if they let him score. Jones-Drew does the smart thing though and falls down at the 1 yard line, allowing the clock to continue to run.

If you didn't understand what was going on by my explanation, watch this video.

If he would have scored, the Jaguars would have been winning 27-22 (with the extra point pending), but the Jets would have gotten the ball back with about 1:30 left on the clock and a chance to win. He didn't score though, so the Jaguars were able to run down the clock by taking a knee a few times and then calling a timeout with only seconds left. The Jaguars kicker (Scobee) kicked the game-winning field goal, as time expired, making the final score 24-22 Jaguars.

Those of you who don't play fantasy football may be asking, "What does any of this have to do with fantasy football." Well, in fantasy football, touchdowns are worth big points and running backs typically score the most. Since running backs score the most, people draft them early and often. So, when Jones-Drew didn't score that touchdown, a lot of his fantasy owners were pissed. He even apologized to them after the game, and he also said that he had himself on his fantasy team, so it was a tough decision for him.

Now, I have no problem with people who play fantasy football, so don't get it twisted. If you enjoy playing it, by all means, do it. It just isn't for me anymore. I used to be like the fantasy owners that were/are mad at Jones-Drew. I couldn't watch a game without thinking about the fantasy football implications. It was no longer enjoyable, at least to me, to actually watch a game. Fantasy football got in the way of my enjoyment of the game, so I stopped doing it.

Well, that's all I have to say about that. You stay classy San Diego.

Thank you to all the Veterans

I would just like to take some time out of my day to write a post thanking all the Veterans out there. I am referring to all past, present and future Veterans, but I will try to stick with the present tense in this post.

You are doing a job that I know I could never do. I don't think that you get enough credit for the sacrifices you make everyday. To be away from home for great lengths of time, not able to see your friends and family, that alone is tough enough. Add to it the fact that your life is in danger on a daily basis, that you have to shoot at people, get shot at, deal with bombs, landmines, IEDs and the fucking ice capades. Those two simple truths are enough to make me realize that I could never do what you do. You are all very brave and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I know that I sometimes take my freedoms for granted. Everyone does, at one time or another. Without you though, I wouldn't be able to say whatever the hell I feel like saying. I wouldn't be able to do whatever I feel like doing. I wouldn't be typing this right now. These are all things that I enjoy doing, and without you, I wouldn't be able to do them. So I thank you for that.

And no matter how unhappy I am sometimes, about life and the way the world works, I know that I have it pretty good in this country. It isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't always like it, but I know that I wouldn't be as happy somewhere else. This is the country for me and I'm happy to have been born here. Thank you to all the Veterans for making this country a great place to live. Without you, that most certainly wouldn't be the case.

I'm sure everyone knows at least one Veteran, so be sure to thank them today. They need to know that what they do does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. We must recognize the sacrifices they make for us and today is the day to recognize those sacrifices. That's not to say that you shouldn't recognize those sacrifices any other day, but today it is especially important to recognize the Veterans and to thank them.

In closing, thank you to all the Veterans out there!

My apologies to Billy Mays

It has recently come to my attention that Billy Mays did NOT, I repeat did NOT, die from a cocaine overdose. I made a joke in my previous post, and while it was a joke, I feel the need to clear Billy Mays' good name.

The Mays family disputed the conclusions of the autopsy and paid for an independent examiner to review it. The independent examiner found that cocaine did not contribute to Billy's death, so the initial conclusions made by the Hillsborough County Medical Examiner were wrong.

I'm sure most people will remember the initial report of Billy dying from a cocaine overdose and forget about what actually happened. Billy dying from a cocaine overdose was sensational news to the media, so they jumped all over reporting it. However, the actual facts weren't as good of a story, so they briefly mentioned that he did not die from a cocaine overdose and moved along to the next story.

I am not blaming the media entirely, so don't get me wrong. It is also my fault for not waiting for all the facts to come out and jumping to conclusions. However, I just find it funny that I didn't hear anything about the retraction made by the media, yet I heard a lot more about the initial reports of a cocaine overdose. Remember, this is coming from someone who rarely watches the news, so it just goes to show you how the media operates.

I would also like to say that, even though I made the joke in my previous post, I have always liked Billy Mays. In my opinion, his death was more tragic than Michael Jackson's death. At least Billy was still at the top of his game, unlike MJ who was many years on the decline. And even if Billy did do coke, at least he didn't molest little boys. Maybe I'm wrong about that too though, maybe MJ didn't do that either.

Anyway, I'll leave you with my favorite infomercial done by Billy Mays.

YouTube Video

Ken's Guide to Keeping Away Vampires

With the rapid approach of Halloween, I'm often asked how to keep away vampires. Oh, and before we begin, we're not talking about those lame-ass "sparkling" vampires from the Twilight series of books. We're talking about real, blood sucking, obsessive-compulsive, garlic-fearing vampires. So, if you're looking for a foolproof way to remain among the living this Halloween, read on.

Please have the following items on hand (in order of use)

• A goat


• A Snuggie (or some type of robe)


• A knife


• A piece of chalk


• A chair that spins


• A mirror


• A bulb of garlic

Okay, before we begin, please make sure you're in a room that has enough space to do stuff. Don't do this in your closet or something. If you're a little squeamish, you might need a friend who is not to do this part.

First things first, bring your goat into the room (any livestock will work really, I just prefer to use goats). Put on your Snuggie and grab your knife (this is the gross part). Slit the goat's throat and let the blood drain onto the floor. If you can't bring yourself to kill the goat, put the goat outside and just use the piece of chalk for the next part (the ritual won't work as well, but it should work well enough).

Find a space of floor where you can draw something on it (preferably in the center of the room). You will be drawing a pentagram on the floor with goat's blood (or chalk, if you chickened out). If you don't know what a pentagram is, go and Google it, I'll wait. Okay, so you're back? Draw the pentagram on the floor and let it sit for five minutes (go feed the goat a tin can or something, since I know you didn't kill it).

Place your revolving chair over the pentagram. Go and grab your mirror, sit in the chair, and start spinning counter-clockwise. I know some of you kids don't know what counter-clockwise is, with the advent of digital time, so just spin (again, the ritual won't work as well if you spin clockwise, but it will work good enough).

Now, the next part is very important. You must shout the name BILLY MAYS three times (because we all know that three is the most magical number). Remember to keep spinning as you're shouting. If you did it right, the angel of Billy Mays will appear beside you (notice how oxiclean made his wings whiter and his halo brighter).

Stop spinning and go and get the bulb of garlic. Offer it to Billy (the coke will still be in his system, he'll probably think it's an apple). After Billy is done eating the garlic, tell him that you read that the ShamWow is better than the Zorbeez. This should get him to shout at you the virtues of the Zorbeez, filling the room with a garlicky smell. Let him go on for about 20 minutes, or until you think your room smells enough like garlic. Tell Billy that God is calling, and he'll zip straight back up to heaven.

I hope you enjoyed my instructions on how to keep away vampires. I guarantee it will work, or your money back!

Yo Obama, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish...

but Al Gore had one of the best Nobel Peace Prizes of all-time.

I know I said, just yesterday, that I don't care about politics, but this has bothered me ever since I first heard about it. Let me start off by saying that I don't watch the news. I can't stand it, it does more harm than good, in my opinion. I mention the fact that I don't watch the news because I know some people may think that I heard it from a certain news source, or news channel, or what have you, and they will then assume that my opinion is effected by a certain media bias. Let me assure you though that this is not the case. I heard about this from people's statuses on Facebook.

With that out of the way, let me tell you what really bothered me. The people who were complaining about it, which were quite a few. Now, you may be saying to your self, "self, why is Ken complaining about people complaining about something he doesn't care about?" That is a very valid question. The reason for that is this. I don't think any of the people complaining can name five Nobel Peace Prize winners in the last 10 years. Probably not even 5 out of the last 50 years, but I use the 10 year time period to compare it to something (oh, and no being a smart-ass and Googling it either).

In the last ten years, I can name you five teams that won the Super Bowl:

2009: Pittsburg Steelers
2008: New York Giants
2007: Indianapolis Colts
2006: Pittsburg Steelers
2005: New England Patriots

In the last ten years, I can name you five teams that won the World Series:

2008: Philadelphia Phillies
2007: Boston Red Sox
2006: St. Louis Cardinals (This one hurts to remember)
2005: Chicago White Sox
2004: Boston Red Sox

Now, you may be saying that I merely looked these up on the Internet, but I can assure you that I did not. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, and then I went on the Internet to verify that I was right (I was). You may also be saying that I only named teams from the last five years, which is true. However, the reason for that is simple. I didn't really get in to football and baseball until around five years ago, give or take. So, to quell your opposition, I'll give you the following example.

In the last fifteen years, I can name you five teams that won the Stanley Cup:

1995: New Jersey Devils (THE PAIN)
1996: Colorado Avalanche (Ditto)
1997: Detroit Red Wings
1998: Detroit Red Wings
1999: Dallas Stars

Oh, and if you're not happy with the Detroit Red Wings being in there twice:

2000: New Jersey Devils
2001: Colorado Avalanche
2002: Detroit Red Wings

At this point, you're probably wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, I'm going to tell you. I actually care about football, baseball and hockey. Those of you who complained about Obama, however, do not care about who wins the Nobel Peace Prize. You probably care more about who is going to be on Dancing With the Stars or who is sleeping with who on [Insert TV Show You Watch Here]. Not that there's anything wrong with caring about those things, they just aren't the things that I care about. Just like who wins the Nobel Peace Prize isn't one of the things you care about, so why complain about it?

You may now be saying that Obama didn't deserve to win it, I know some people said that on Facebook. How would you know though? Do you know what it takes to win the Nobel Peace Prize? I highly doubt that you do, seeing as how you probably couldn't name five people who won it in the past. I know that I couldn't name five myself, so I guess you could argue that I'm just projecting myself onto other people, and drawing conclusions from it. I just don't think that's the case though.

I have two final things to say before I end this entry. My grandma told me that Obama is planning on donating the money he's receiving for this to charity. So, before you complain some more in my comments, think about that. And finally, check out this amusing video I found on YouTube a few weeks ago:

YouTube Video

You know what they say, always leave them laughing.

HE'S BACK

Well everyone, I've decided to start updating the blog again.

I was re-reading a bunch of my old blog posts and I got the itch to start it back up.

Man, how things have changed with me. I can't believe I used to care so much about politics, lol. I guess it was that Political Science class I took back in 2004. Now? I couldn't care less about it. Oh, and looking back on those posts, I am kind of embarrassed by it a little bit. I probably wasn't as well informed as I thought I was, and I kind of sounded like a guy wearing a tinfoil hat, paranoid about the government.

Consider this dusey of a claim:

"...if Bush is reelected (and I use the term reelected here loosely), there will be a draft during his second term. If I am wrong, you can come back here and ridicule me. Don't worry, I can take the heat." - Me

I made this claim on October 19th, 2004. Boy, was I wrong. I don't even remember typing this. Luckily, not many people read my blog, lol. This brings me to the reason I'm starting it back up. I know not many people will read it, but I'm doing it for me. I thoroughly enjoyed re-reading my old posts, even though I cringed at some of them. They showed me how I thought, what I thought, and how I have changed today. I guess that is the purpose of a journal/diary, which is what this is, except it is for all the world to see (if they so choose).

Now, I'm not saying that my thoughts are groundbreaking, earthshattering, or anything like that. I know that I'm probably not original or special in anyway whatsoever. But even so, I used to enjoy doing this and I'm going to try doing it again! So until next time, you stay classy San Diego.

Crocodile (Hunter) Rock(ed)

"[My] whole passion to be on this planet is to educate people about wildlife," he said in 1998. "I will die doing that. I have a gift."--Steve Irwin

You sure were right about that one, Stevo. At least he died doing what he loved though. I mean, he probably didn't love it too much at the time or anything. But hey, we should all be so lucky. I hope one day that can be said about me. At least then I'll be assured of death by masturbation.

Speaking of masturbation, I want everyone to know that I've recently decided to name my penis genius. That way, whenever I beat off, I'll have a stroke of genius. I know all of you were dying to know that. I'm just throwing it out there, so to speak.

In other news, I went to the dentist on Thursday. Every single time I leave that place, I feel like I've been raped. That's figuratively speaking people. Don't get any ideas involving nitrous oxide, rubber gloves, dental floss, and my asshole, you faggot. Anyways, the procedure took two god damn hours to complete, and after it was done, I had a nice bill of around 500 dollars waiting for me at the receptionist's desk. Oh well, it could have been worse. If I didn't have insurance, it would have been closer to 1,000 dollars. Yeah, that's looking on the bright side....

Okay, that's all I've got to say today. Before I go though, I'd like to dedicate a song to Steve. This one's for you man.

I remember when Steve was young
He and Terri had so much fun
Holding snakes and skimming stones
Had a day time emmy and a show of his own
But the biggest kick he ever got
Was doing a thing called the crocodile rock
While the other guys were filming round the clock
They were hopping and bopping to the crocodile rock

Well crocodile rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
He never knew him a better time and I guess he never will
Oh lordy mama those Friday nights
When Terri wore her khakis tight
And the crocodile rocking was out of sight

But the years went by and the guy just died
Terri went and left him for some foreign guy
Long nights crying by the T.V. machine
Dreaming of his emmy and his old khaki jeans
But they'll never kill the thrills he got
Burning up to the crocodile rock
Learning fast as the weeks went past
I really thought the crocodile rock would last

Well crocodile rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
He never knew him a better time and I guess he never will
Oh lordy mama those Friday nights
When Terri wore her khakis tight
And the crocodile rocking was out of sight

I remember when Steve was young
He and Terri had so much fun
Holding snakes and skimming stones
Had a day time emmy and a show of his own
But the biggest kick he ever got
Was doing a thing called the crocodile rock
While the other guys were filming round the clock
They were hopping and bopping to the crocodile rock

Well crocodile rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
He never knew him a better time and I guess he never will
Oh lordy mama those Friday nights
When Terri wore her khakis tight
And the crocodile rocking was out of sight

RIP Steve Irwin. Cricky, we hardly knew ye.

Pluto No Longer A Planet

Yes folks. You heard it here first. Oh, what's that? You didn't hear it here first? My bad. This is such big news though, it has forced me to post two days in a row. Here's my take on the "controversy":

Ever since grade school, I've had a problem with Pluto as a planet. I think it all started in the second grade. We were learning about the planets one week and we had to take a test at week's end. One of the questions on the test was to name all the planets. Well, guess what planet I forgot to name? That's right, Pluto. I was so pissed, that one question fucked me over. I could have gotten 100%, but nooooooooo. I forgot Pluto. But NOW, now that Pluto is no longer a planet, I get the last laugh. You know what. Getting the last laugh isn't enough. I should march down to my elementary school, punch my second grade teacher in her ovaries, and demand my grade to be changed. I deserved that 100%, and if it wasn't for some wannabe planet, I would have gotten it right then and there. An injustice was committed and I shall have my revenge. Oh yes, I shall have my revenge....

In all seriousness though, I agree with the decision. In high school, my favorite class was astronomy. Mr. Toll, that was my astromony teacher's name, was also one of my favorite teachers. He gave us a list of reasons why Pluto shouldn't be considered a planet. Well, being since astronomy was my favorite class, I kept all my notes from high school. I'd like to repost the reasons he gave the class, partly because it brings back memories, and partly because I find it interesting. Here are the reasons he gave us:

Reason one: It should be large like the other gas giants, but it's small.
Reason two: It should be gas like the other gas giants, but it's solid.
Reason three: Pluto's orbit is very eccentric, it is more similar to an asteroid than a planet.
Reason four: It does not orbit on the same plane of the solar system as the rest of the planets.
Reason five: It does not follow Bode's Law.

The thing I like about astronomy, and science in general, is that it's self correcting. It's ever changing, always working towards the correct answer. It is never perfect, and probably never will be, but it isn't afraid to change. This is where science greatly difers with people. People are afraid to change. People are nostalgic. People like tradition. People remember learning about Pluto in grade school, and there is a sort of attachment to it. Take John Gibson for instance.

"But no, you can't unmake Pluto as a planet.

Long ago I learned it was a planet and I see no reason to unlearn it. Why should I?"

Imagine this guy, or a guy like him, when it was finally acknowledged that the Earth wasn't the center of the universe.

"But no, you can't unmake the Earth as the center of the universe.

Long ago I learned the Earth was the center of the universe and I see no reason to unlearn it. Why should I?"

Or how about back when just about everybody thought the Earth was flat? How would a guy like this react when people finally accepted that the Earth was round?

"But no, you can't unmake the Earth as flat.

Long ago I learned the Earth was flat and I see no reason to unlearn it. Why should I?"

According to his logic, we shouldn't unlearn anything we learn. Everything we've ever learned is the truth and will always be the truth. Not even new information can change it. Well, John Gibson. If that journalism thing doesn't work out for you, I think you have a future in the Bush administration. ZING!

One question still remains though. Why should we change now? Well, as I've illustrated, new information is always a good reason for change. Better technology has allowed us to discover that Pluto isn't as unique as we thought it was. Back when it was discovered in 1930, we obviously didn't have the technology that we do today. We thought Pluto was unique, a one of a kind "planet." Come to find out though, it isn't so unique. There are probably hundreds of "planets" like it beyond Neptune. Should we really have hundreds of planets in the solar system? (Planets like 2003 UB 313, which is basically just a bigger version of Pluto.) Should seniority be given to Pluto because it's been around for 70+ years? Is Walt Disney rolling over in his grave? How about the guy who discovered Pluto, Clyde Tombaugh? How you answer these questions is up to you.

Oh, you say you want my personal opinions? Well tough shit, I'm going to give them to you anyway. Eight is enough, no seniority should be given, and yes to both Walt and Clyde rolling over in their respect graves.

I've rambled on for far too long, it's time for me to go. If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time out of your day. I hope you were at least somewhat entertained or intrigued. If not, see my disclaimer. Once you've read it, you can't unread it.

The Move, My Vaca, and Chicken S Tickets

Well, it's been about two months since I last posted. A lot of new and exciting things have happened since then:

I moved in with my grandma at the end of July. So far so good. A few people have asked me why I moved in with my grandma, and the reasons for that are multiple. Reason one, my grandma needs some extra money. Reason two, when my sister moved back in with our parents, she had to live in the basement. For the last several years, the basement has been my dad's personal get-a-way. With me out of the picture, my brother gets his old room back (my old room was his when I went away to college), my sister gets her room back (the room that my brother took over when she moved out), and my dad gets his basement back. Reason three, I was running out of space for my stuff, so now that I live with my grandma, I have more room. There are a few other reasons that I can't think of right now, but those are the main ones.

I went on vacation Saturday-Saturday (August 12-19) this past week. I went with my grandma to my aunt's cottage in Cheboygan. My uncle and two cousins were also there. We stayed there a few days and then later in the week we went to Mackinac Island. It was alright, the place is a little too expensive for my tastes. We stayed in a hotel overnight on the island. That was probably my favorite part because it was nice to see the place at night. Hardly any people on the streets and the smell of horse shit was out of the air. If you didn't already know, cars aren't allowed on the island. In order to get anywhere, you either have to walk, ride a bike, or take a horse carriage. Needless to say, the smell of horse lingers quite a bit while you're on the main street during the day. Come to think of it, that's probably why I don't care too much for Mackinac Island fudge.

Just before I went on vacation, I got pulled over by a cop. I was going to work, just driving along, and all of a sudden I see him behind me with his sirens on. I pull into a side street and stop. He stops behind me, gets out of the car and walks to my car. He asks me for the usual things, license, registration, and proof of insurance. I hand him all my information and he looks at it for a second or two. At this point, I'm dumbfounded because I have no idea what's going on. I wasn't speeding, I didn't run a red light, I didn't make an illegal turn, etc. After a few more seconds, he finally says to me that my car is mislabeled on my proof of insurance. It says Daytona Pacifica on there, but I guess on his computer it just says Pacifica. I was ready to call bull shit at this point, but I know better than that. Personally, I think he was just looking for a reason to pull me over and give me a chicken shit ticket. In any event, he tells me that was all and that I'm free to go. I didn't ask why he pulled me over, but like I said, I think I know why. I think N.W.A. said it best when they said, "Fuck tha Police."

Okay, that is all for this update. I'll try to update more frequently in the future. Not like any of you care. Good day, sir.

I SAID GOOD DAY!

Don Cherry = The Man

That's all that needs to be said really. I'm so glad my cable provider carries CBC, or else I'd be stuck watching game seven on NBC. NBC doesn't do a bad job, but it can't even begin to hold a candle to Don Cherry and CBC.

One last thing:

GO OILERS!

Now that it has reached game seven, I've changed my mind again. I've always wanted the Oilers to win the Cup, but I changed my mind after Roloson got injured. I'm back to where I started, and I hope the Oilers win tonight.

That is all. Good day, sir.

Big Ben seriously hurt in motorcycle accident

When I first read that headline, I thought they were talking about Ben Wallace. But then I remembered that black guys don't ride motorcycles. Here the full story (click the title to read from the original source):

PITTSBURGH (AP) - Steelers star Ben Roethlisberger, the youngest quarterback to lead a team to the Super Bowl championship, broke his jaw and nose in a motorcycle crash Monday in which he was not wearing a helmet.

Roethlisberger was in serious but stable condition, Dr. Larry Jones, chief of trauma at Mercy Hospital said before surgery.
The player's agent, Leigh Steinberg, described the injuries to The Associated Press and said he did not know if there was further damage.

"He was talking to me before he left for the operating room," Jones said. "He's coherent. He's making sense. He knows what happened. He knows where he is. From that standpoint, he's very stable."

Roethlisberger's mother, Brenda, was crying as she arrived at the hospital.

Steelers president Art Rooney II said the team was "encouraged by the early reports from the medical team" at the hospital. "I am sure Ben knows that we are praying for his complete recovery."

The 24-year-old Roethlisberger was without a helmet, police said. He has said he likes to ride without one, a habit that once prompted a lecture from Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher.

Roethlisberger was on his black 2005 Suzuki Hayabusa - the company calls it the world's fastest bike for legal street riding - and heading toward an intersection on the edge of downtown. A silver Chrysler New Yorker traveling in the opposite direction took a left turn and collided with the motorcycle, and Roethlisberger was thrown, police said.

The other car was driven by a 62-year-old woman, police said. They didn't immediately release her name and no charges were filed.

Witness Sandra Ford was waiting at a bus stop when she said she saw the motorcycle approach. Seconds later, she said she heard a crash, saw the motorcyclist in the air and ran toward the crash scene.

"He wasn't moving and I was afraid that he had died. ... He wasn't really speaking. He seemed dazed but he was resisting the effort to make him stay down," said Ford, who didn't realize the motorcyclist was Roethlisberger.

Police spokesman Lt. Kevin Kraus said police and homicide units were leading the investigation, a standard practice when there is an accident with critical injuries.

In only his second year in the NFL, Roethlisberger helped guide the Steelers to the Super Bowl title in February at age 23. Training camp for next season begins at the end of July.

Several teammates, including backup quarterback Charlie Batch, linebacker Joey Porter and safety Mike Logan, arrived at the emergency room.

Some fans also gathered at the hospital, including Juanita Clark, who sells Steelers paraphernalia.

"I just feel like he's a family member," said her daughter, Loretta Clark.

Roethlisberger has said in the past that he prefers not to wear a helmet when riding his motorcycle. He has pointed out Pennsylvania's state law requiring helmets to be worn was repealed in September 2003.

In May 2005, Cowher warned him about safe riding after Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. was injured in a motorcycle accident. Winslow tore knee ligaments and was lost for the season.

"He talked about being a risk-taker and I'm not really a risk-taker. I'm pretty conservative and laid back, but the big thing is to just be careful," Roethlisberger said at the time. "I'll just continue to be careful. I told him we don't ever ride alone, we always ride in a group of people, and I think it makes it even more safe."

Roethlisberger continued to ride after Winslow's accident and that angered Terry Bradshaw, who quarterbacked the Steelers to four Super Bowl victories during the 1970s.

Visiting the Steelers' training camp last summer, Bradshaw remarked: "Ride it when you retire.


Okay, let me get this straight. He is glad to wear a helmet on a football field, and yet, he isn't willing to wear a helmet while he's riding a motorcycle? Does that make sense to anyone else? I mean, more people die annually in motorcycle related crashes than in football related crashes. So wouldn't it make sense to also wear a helmet while riding your motorcycle? In his case, I guess not....

Better yet, as a professional athlete, how about not riding a motorcycle at all? Professional athletes, even the mediocre ones, stand to make millions of dollars throughout their career. I mean, even the twelve man on an NBA team makes decent money, just for sitting his ass on the bench all year. If I was gifted enough to play professionally, I would try my damnest to protect my potential earnings. I'd never engaged in any activities that could jeopardize my career. Motorcyle riding would top that list, followed closely by drug related activities, among other things. I believe Terry Bradshaw said it best: "Ride it when you retire." Oh, and Michael Irvin too: "Smoke it when you retire.... Shit, smoke it during halftime."

Do professional athletes think that they are invincible, or are they just stupid (or both)? Does thinking that you are invincible and being stupid go hand in hand? Well, not that this is an accurate sample or anything, but I know a few people who think that they are invincible. To me, these people seem pretty stupid. That's not to say that I'm a genious or anything, I'd say that I'm of average intelligence. If you can at least give me that, then it follows that people who are dumber than me are just plain stupid. I'm not trying to pigeonhole anybody here, but I think that my assumption holds true, for the most part. The dumber you are, the more invincible you feel.

Well, I've been blogging an awful lot about sports lately. Nobody seems to be reading any of it, but what else is new? Okay, that's all for now. Good day, sir.

I SAID GOOD DAY.

Happy Beast Day

Well, it looks like I spoke too soon about the Oilers. With Roloson out for the series, they have no chance. Their instability at the goalie position was the reason they traded for Roloson in the first place. Now, with Roloson injured, Ty Conklin and Jussi Markkanen will have to step up. Chances of that happening? Not likely. Conklin was obviously rusty last night, and I can't say that I blame him. He last played almost two months ago, on on April 17th, in a meaningless game against the Colorado Avalanche. With that in mind, I'll have to revise my prediction:

Hurricanes in five.

That's all for today. I'm off to listen to The Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden. Have a wonder 6/06/06 everyone.

666

If the Apocalypse happens tomorrow, I'll blog about it. Because you know for damn sure I'll be one of the people left behind. I wonder if they have the Internet in heaven? If they don't, I'm sure Al Gore will be there to invent it. He's such a clever fellow. I hear he also invented sliced bread, the whoopie cushion, and the rusty trombone.

That is all friends, until tomorrow.

Stanley Cup Finals

Before the playoffs started, if you would have told me that the Edmonton Oilers and the Carolina Hurricanes would be playing in the Stanley Cup Finals, I would have called you crazy. Well, it just goes to show you how unpredictable the NHL playoffs are. Unlike the NBA playoffs, where the top seed wins more often than not, the NHL playoffs are a crapshoot.

I didn't think the Edmonton Oilers would make it to the second round, let alone to the Stanley Cup Finals. That was partly because they were playing my Detroit Red Wings, and partly because I forgot what it takes to win in the playoffs. In the NHL playoffs, grit and determination, mixed with some youth, speed, and a hot goalie, all add up to playoff success. This is still true in the so-called "new" NHL.

Both the Edmonton Oilers and the Carolina Hurricanes deserve to be in the finals. The Carolina Hurricanes had a great regular season, but that seemed to go unnoticed by most coming into the playoffs. They were the team that no one talked about, with favorites like Detroit, Dallas and Ottawa getting most of the limelight. Well, everyone is sure talking about them now. The same is true of the Edmonton Oilers. The Oilers opened up the season in a way that typified their entire regular season campaign. They rattled off three straight wins to open up, only to lose their next seven, and then proceeded to win five straight. It has been an up and down season for the Edmonton Oilers, but they have reminded us all that it's not how you start, but how you finish.

Even if the Oilers lose to the Hurricanes, the Oilers can call this season a success. Sure, they will be disappointed if they lose, but not too often does a number eight seed advance all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals. In fact, the Edmonton Oilers are the first eighth seeded team to make it to Finals since the current playoff format was instituted in 1994. With that in mind, here is my prediction:

Oilers in six.