and I'll bet you'll feel nuts.
I don't know many things in life, but I do know one thing. I absolutely hate my job. I know, I know. Just about everyone hates their job. But seriously. I really hate my job. What do I hate most about it? Well, let me tell you.
I could take the easy way out and just say the customers. But like I said, that is taking the easy way out. There are various kinds of customers, some good, some bad. The good ones, obviously, don't piss me off at all. The bad ones, however, more than make up for it. Let me give you a few examples of the bad.
Customers that say, when you are working on a holiday, "It sucks that you have to work on [insert holiday here]." I've went over this before. Again, do people just not think? Do people just not care? Yes, I reailze that it sucks working on holidays. Thanks for bringing it up, jackass. I also realize that some people are just trying to make conversation when they say this, and that is fine. But after about four or five people say it to you, you get a little sick of it. Please people, for the love of God, or Allah, or whatever you beileve in. Do not, under no circumstances, say this to anyone working during a holiday. My blood pressure thanks you for it.
Customers that say stupid things, in general. I had one customer say, "Man, those Bud eight packs are the greatest invention ever." I was dumbfounded when he said this to me. Completely floored. I mean, really? Bud eight packs. Greatest thing ever invented? Not the light bulb? Or maybe the printing press? How about steam engine? Nope, Bud eight packs. Greatest invention ever. I didn't know what to say to the guy. Bud eight packs. Greatest thing ever invented. That's all I could think of the rest of the day. It was, quite possibly, the dumbest comment anyone ever made to me in my life. Dwell on that quote for another second. Bud eight packs. Greatest invention ever. Okay, not too long. You might injure your brain.
Customers that buy scratch lottery tickets/play the lotto. I want to start of by saying that playing the lottery is the biggest waste of money in the world. Well, maybe not the biggest. The war in Iraq is the biggest, but that is neither here nor there. In any event, the lottery, and gambling in general, is a huge waste of your money. And people continue to play it. And the regulars that come in and play every day, all they do is complain. Listen, people. I want to make this quite clear. It isn't my fault that I sold you a loser. It is your fault for buying it in the first place. Don't come back the next day and say, "You sold me a loser the other day." Technically, I did. But again, it's not like I know I'm selling you a loser. So it isn't my fault. So please, just shut your effing mouth.
Another thing that bothers me regarding people playing the lottery (but not nearly as much), is when people say, "Sell me the winning ticket." People say this to me especially when the Mega Millions gets up to 100+ million. Again, listen people. If I could sell anyone the winning ticket, it would be me. But I don't play the lottery. If I did though, you better bet your sorry ass that the winning ticket would go to me. Not you. Not your grandma. Not your spouse. Me. If I had any way of selling anyone the winning ticket, it would go to me. I can't reiterate that enough. If I had some magical way of setting someone up with the jackpot ticket, I would sell it to myself. Then, after I collect my winnings, I would buy the 7-11 I'm currently working at. Set it on fire and then piss on the ashes. Demolish whatever is left and pave over it. And then, when all is said and done, I would sell the lot to Speedway. That would be the start of my quest to rid the whole world of 7-11. It's a dirty job, but someone has got to do it.
Okay, moving on. Customers that bring in bottle returns. This is something that really ruffles my feathers. And I don't even have feathers. If you are reading this, you may or may not be familiar with bringing back bottle returns. Most states do not have a bottle return policy. Well, Michigan does. When you purchase various liquids in glass bottles, plastic bottles, and aluminum cans, you pay a 10 cents deposite per bottle/can. In order to get your 10 cents back, you must return said bottle/can. Now, that would be all well and good, if it wasn't for the next thing I'm about to say. People bring in returns that are absolutely disgusting. Returns that are just dirty. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. If you've ever had to accept bottle returns back, you know what I'm talking about. It is hard to describe what exactly makes these returns dirty. I suspect that it is mostly salvia, but I'm sure there are other things floating around in those returns. And whatever is in those returns inevitably gets onto the outside of the bottles/cans. So please people. I beg of you. Please, please, please wash your bottles/cans before you return them.
Before I wrap this up, I have two final things to say about bottle returns. Number one, I want to know where I have to sign so that I no longer have to pay a deposit on my returns. I will promise not to litter, and I will even promise to recycle the bottles/cans. I just want to know where I have to sign, or whose dick I have to suck, in order to avoid the hassle of paying for bottle deposits and returning the bottles. There has got to be a way for the citizens of this state to opt out of the bottle deposit program. Like I said, I would be willing to sign a statement that says, "If we find you littering your bottles/cans, your fine is triple," or whatever punishment they see fit. There has got to be a way. Whenever I bring this idea up to people though, it doesn't have much of a following. I usually get the idiotic response of, "But you'll be losing 10 cents!" to which I hit myself over the head with a tack hammer. I don't know what it is with people, or if it's just me, but I like to think that I make myself fairly clear when I speak of my ideas. With my idea in place, YOU DO NOT PAY THE 10 CENTS DEPOSIT. Therefore, YOU DO NOT LOSE 10 CENTS. The trade-off is, of course, you cannot litter the bottles/cans, or else you have to pay the penalty.
Okay, I said I wanted to say two final things about bottle returns and here is number two. Michigan bums have got to be the richest bums in America. Nowhere else in this country, as far as I know, can you get 10 cents per bottle return. What point am I trying to make here? The current 10 cents per bottle return policy attracts bums to Michigan. Now, I haven't seen the latest bum migration charts for this year yet, so take this for what it's worth. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that bums flock to Michigan once they catch wind of the bottle return policy. When asked what their reason was for moving to Michigan, I'm sure most bums would say, "The bottle return policy." I realize that there is no way of tracking this, and I also realize that I'm being a bit insensitive here, so I will stop now. You have to admit though, I have a point.
Well, that's all the time I have tonight. It's a quarter after midnight and I have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go back to work. Until next time, this is Ken Schweigel saying, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I just rocked you like a hurricane." I know, I know. Not the best closing statement in the world. However, it is something that I can sort of call me own. Good night, everyone.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
WTF?
Okay. I need to get something off my chest before my head fucking explodes. Has anyone out there seen the "terrorist attack plan" commercials? If you haven't, the commercials encourage parents to talk to their children about what to do in case of a terrorist attack. Now, is it just me, or is this not a complete waste of taxpayer dollars? A terrorist attack plan? I don't even have a fucking plan for what to do in case of a fire, which, by the way, is a million times more likely to occur than a terrorist attack on or near my house! ARE THE POWERS THAT BE IN THIS COUNTRY INSANE? A terrorist attack plan? Really? You idiots are actually encouraging people, better yet, scaring people, into thinking a terrorist attack could happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time? And everybody is okay with this? What a colossal waste, but hey, I've come to expect that from my government. And people say that liberals are paranoid. What do these ads say about conservatives? Isn't that also paranoia? It's a rhetorical question. You don't have to actually answer it. Feel free though, if you like. Here's the site, if you want to check it out.
Okay, now that I'm done with that rant, I have another. If you didn't already know, I'm an atheist. It isn't really fair for me to say that there isn't a god, but it also isn't fair for theists to say that there is. In my mind, it is impossible to know, but deep down, I truly do not think there is a god. I guess you could say I'm agnostic, or a mix between the two. In any event, I've declared my major and it's atheism. Now, the purpose of this introduction is to point out the hypocrisy of people. But as I've demonstrated, I'm a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite. Just about everyone is hypocritical in some regard. I'm probably not making much sense right now, but stick with me.
In my opinion, religious people tend to be more hypocritical than atheists. Look no further than the biblical principle of judge not. You are told not to judge, but there is just one problem with that. Everyone judges. It is what humans do. We judge situations, we judge people, we judge everything. Is it so wrong to judge? I think the answer to that question, in most cases, is no. A religious person, more often than not, will disagree. But in reality, religious people are also very judgmental. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying, if you believe it is "wrong" to judge, then don't judge. If you believe it is "wrong" to have an abortion, then don't have an abortion. If you believe it is "wrong" to be gay, then don't be gay. Go ahead and let "God" sort out the sinners. You don't worry about them and just live your life as best you can.
Imagine the kind of world we'd live in if religious people just stuck to their guns. If they just stuck to their beliefs. There would be virtually no murder, stealing, or adultery. People would be more generous, there wouldn't be as many poor people, and there wouldn't be any wars going on throughout the world. Oh, and by the way, what do most wars center around? Religion. Take the current "war" on terrorism, for example.
Here is another problem I have with the Christian religion. Most Christians, and I'm not sure if this is true with other religions, believe that people are inheritantly evil. Well, let me tell you, I didn't sign up for that. I do not think that people are inhertitantly evil, not in the slightest. People are not born evil, they become evil. Generally speaking, people are modified by their environment. If you come from a loving, caring home, you will most likely become a loving caring person. There are exceptions, of course. If you come from a broken home, a home with little to no love, you will not become a loving caring person.
In addition to that, if you are told, at a very young age, that you will be greeted by 1,000 virgins in heaven if you die while committing a terrorist act, you will believe that. And it has nothing to do with people being inheritantly evil. It is basic human behavior. If you are told something over and over again as a child, you usually carrying that belief with you into adulthood. If you are molested, sexually abused, physically abused, verbally abused, etc. as a child, you usually carry that behavior with you into adulthood. In other words, you think that it is okay to do said act to someone else. And that, in my opinion, is how humans work.
In closing, I just have one final thing to say. Do not push your beliefs onto other people. You may be saying, "but that is what you're doing right now." That isn't what I'm trying to do though. I want to make this quite clear. I want you to believe whatever you want to believe. It's up to you to decide what you believe and what you don't believe. All I want you to do is consider other viewpoints. Even if you don't agree with them, consider other viewpoints. It is tough sometimes, but it makes you a better person.
Well, that's all I have to say tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
Okay, now that I'm done with that rant, I have another. If you didn't already know, I'm an atheist. It isn't really fair for me to say that there isn't a god, but it also isn't fair for theists to say that there is. In my mind, it is impossible to know, but deep down, I truly do not think there is a god. I guess you could say I'm agnostic, or a mix between the two. In any event, I've declared my major and it's atheism. Now, the purpose of this introduction is to point out the hypocrisy of people. But as I've demonstrated, I'm a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite. Just about everyone is hypocritical in some regard. I'm probably not making much sense right now, but stick with me.
In my opinion, religious people tend to be more hypocritical than atheists. Look no further than the biblical principle of judge not. You are told not to judge, but there is just one problem with that. Everyone judges. It is what humans do. We judge situations, we judge people, we judge everything. Is it so wrong to judge? I think the answer to that question, in most cases, is no. A religious person, more often than not, will disagree. But in reality, religious people are also very judgmental. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying, if you believe it is "wrong" to judge, then don't judge. If you believe it is "wrong" to have an abortion, then don't have an abortion. If you believe it is "wrong" to be gay, then don't be gay. Go ahead and let "God" sort out the sinners. You don't worry about them and just live your life as best you can.
Imagine the kind of world we'd live in if religious people just stuck to their guns. If they just stuck to their beliefs. There would be virtually no murder, stealing, or adultery. People would be more generous, there wouldn't be as many poor people, and there wouldn't be any wars going on throughout the world. Oh, and by the way, what do most wars center around? Religion. Take the current "war" on terrorism, for example.
Here is another problem I have with the Christian religion. Most Christians, and I'm not sure if this is true with other religions, believe that people are inheritantly evil. Well, let me tell you, I didn't sign up for that. I do not think that people are inhertitantly evil, not in the slightest. People are not born evil, they become evil. Generally speaking, people are modified by their environment. If you come from a loving, caring home, you will most likely become a loving caring person. There are exceptions, of course. If you come from a broken home, a home with little to no love, you will not become a loving caring person.
In addition to that, if you are told, at a very young age, that you will be greeted by 1,000 virgins in heaven if you die while committing a terrorist act, you will believe that. And it has nothing to do with people being inheritantly evil. It is basic human behavior. If you are told something over and over again as a child, you usually carrying that belief with you into adulthood. If you are molested, sexually abused, physically abused, verbally abused, etc. as a child, you usually carry that behavior with you into adulthood. In other words, you think that it is okay to do said act to someone else. And that, in my opinion, is how humans work.
In closing, I just have one final thing to say. Do not push your beliefs onto other people. You may be saying, "but that is what you're doing right now." That isn't what I'm trying to do though. I want to make this quite clear. I want you to believe whatever you want to believe. It's up to you to decide what you believe and what you don't believe. All I want you to do is consider other viewpoints. Even if you don't agree with them, consider other viewpoints. It is tough sometimes, but it makes you a better person.
Well, that's all I have to say tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
Friday, June 24, 2005
And the Pistons...lose
What can I say. The Spurs made shoots when they needed to. The Pistons didn't. That's all it came down to. A lot of people will blame the refs. Again, the Spurs came up big in the clutch, the Pistons didn't. It's as simple as that. I'm a little disappointed, but all in all, it was a great season for the Pistons. Any season you can make it to the finals represents a great year for your franchise. It would have been nice to win it, but it just didn't happen for the Pistons tonight. I really can't say much more than that.
Again, I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Not that anyone reads this and not that anyone really cares. I have no excuses, really. I work five days a week, but have two days off. I have a lot of spare time between my two days off and the few hours I have before I go to work. There is no reason I shouldn't update at least once a week, but I just don't.
Like I said though, no one reads this, so it doesn't really matter to any of you. This blog is basically just therapy for me. It's a place to put my thoughts. It's a place for me to complain. It's a place for me to work on my comedic rountine, which, I must say, is less than spectacular. That's a nice way of saying it sucks.
Like I was saying though, this blog is really just a form of therapy for me. I usually feel good after I post, so I have no clue why I don't post more often. Even if I don't make anyone laugh with my low brow humor, and even though my life is about as exciting as a NASCAR race (see below), I still enjoy posting. With that in mind, I promise, from now on, to post at least once a week. This isn't a promise to anyone of you. It is a promise to me. I'm drawing a line in the sand right now. Not that any of you care that I'm now posting at least once a week. I'm just saying.
As if this post wasn't long enough already, I'm about to go off on one of my trademark rants. It's something I've been wanting to rant on for quite some time. This something is a little "sport" I like to call NASCAR. Well, I'm not the only one that likes to call it NASCAR. Everyone does. I like to call it, among other things, the most idiotic so-called "sport" on the face of the Earth. How anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can find this shit entertaining is beyond me. I would rather watch panit dry. I would rather watch Ophra. I would rather watch gay porn. Well...I wouldn't go that far. I can't stand Ophra.
What gets me most about NASCAR is the fact that people, including the drivers, call it a sport. Newsflash everyone. NASCAR is not a god damn sport. I cannot stress this enough. Driving a racecar does not require you to be physically fit, in shape, or anything ilke that. The only quality you need to have as a NASCAR driver is a southern accent. Throw in a jug of moonshine, and the ability to turn left, and you have yourself a NASCAR driver. It just sickens me when people refer to NASCAR as a sport. I mean, think of all the NASCAR drivers that can run a 4.2 40 yard dash! Think of all the NASCAR drivers with a 36 inch vertical leap. Think of all the NASCAR drivers with a history of sex with their sister! Now we're getting somewhere!
Now, to me, NASCAR has never appealed to me. Maybe if I hit myself over the head with a frying pan, and lowered my IQ in the process, it would appeal to me. But that would be the only scenario in which NASCAR would appeal to me. You want proof that this country is going down the crapper? Word on the street is that NASCAR is the fastest growing "sport" in America. Enough said. And why is that the case? Why does NASCAR have such mass appeal? I would love for someone to enlighten me beacuse I just don't get it.
I will admit, it takes great skill to drive at 200+ MPH. That is all well and good. But to watch a bunch of fast moving cars driving around in a big circle? Really? That is what you call entertainment? That is what gets your blood flowing? I will also admit that I'm not much of a car guy. I don't get into working on cars, or looking at cars, or anything like that. The only thing I require a car of mine to do is get me from point A to point B. Call me practical, call me a girly man, call me what you will. I just don't understand the appeal of NASCAR. Someone, please, please, please, explain it to me. I'm not sure if NASCAR fans know how to use the Internet, but I'm betting that at least one does.
Well, that's all I have for you tonight. I need to come up with a closing statement that is all my own. Until I do, I will stick with what has got me here. You stay classy, San Diego.
Again, I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Not that anyone reads this and not that anyone really cares. I have no excuses, really. I work five days a week, but have two days off. I have a lot of spare time between my two days off and the few hours I have before I go to work. There is no reason I shouldn't update at least once a week, but I just don't.
Like I said though, no one reads this, so it doesn't really matter to any of you. This blog is basically just therapy for me. It's a place to put my thoughts. It's a place for me to complain. It's a place for me to work on my comedic rountine, which, I must say, is less than spectacular. That's a nice way of saying it sucks.
Like I was saying though, this blog is really just a form of therapy for me. I usually feel good after I post, so I have no clue why I don't post more often. Even if I don't make anyone laugh with my low brow humor, and even though my life is about as exciting as a NASCAR race (see below), I still enjoy posting. With that in mind, I promise, from now on, to post at least once a week. This isn't a promise to anyone of you. It is a promise to me. I'm drawing a line in the sand right now. Not that any of you care that I'm now posting at least once a week. I'm just saying.
As if this post wasn't long enough already, I'm about to go off on one of my trademark rants. It's something I've been wanting to rant on for quite some time. This something is a little "sport" I like to call NASCAR. Well, I'm not the only one that likes to call it NASCAR. Everyone does. I like to call it, among other things, the most idiotic so-called "sport" on the face of the Earth. How anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can find this shit entertaining is beyond me. I would rather watch panit dry. I would rather watch Ophra. I would rather watch gay porn. Well...I wouldn't go that far. I can't stand Ophra.
What gets me most about NASCAR is the fact that people, including the drivers, call it a sport. Newsflash everyone. NASCAR is not a god damn sport. I cannot stress this enough. Driving a racecar does not require you to be physically fit, in shape, or anything ilke that. The only quality you need to have as a NASCAR driver is a southern accent. Throw in a jug of moonshine, and the ability to turn left, and you have yourself a NASCAR driver. It just sickens me when people refer to NASCAR as a sport. I mean, think of all the NASCAR drivers that can run a 4.2 40 yard dash! Think of all the NASCAR drivers with a 36 inch vertical leap. Think of all the NASCAR drivers with a history of sex with their sister! Now we're getting somewhere!
Now, to me, NASCAR has never appealed to me. Maybe if I hit myself over the head with a frying pan, and lowered my IQ in the process, it would appeal to me. But that would be the only scenario in which NASCAR would appeal to me. You want proof that this country is going down the crapper? Word on the street is that NASCAR is the fastest growing "sport" in America. Enough said. And why is that the case? Why does NASCAR have such mass appeal? I would love for someone to enlighten me beacuse I just don't get it.
I will admit, it takes great skill to drive at 200+ MPH. That is all well and good. But to watch a bunch of fast moving cars driving around in a big circle? Really? That is what you call entertainment? That is what gets your blood flowing? I will also admit that I'm not much of a car guy. I don't get into working on cars, or looking at cars, or anything like that. The only thing I require a car of mine to do is get me from point A to point B. Call me practical, call me a girly man, call me what you will. I just don't understand the appeal of NASCAR. Someone, please, please, please, explain it to me. I'm not sure if NASCAR fans know how to use the Internet, but I'm betting that at least one does.
Well, that's all I have for you tonight. I need to come up with a closing statement that is all my own. Until I do, I will stick with what has got me here. You stay classy, San Diego.
Monday, June 06, 2005
A quick update
I've decided to write a quick update. Nothing much to report though. I finished my classes May 14th. I've been working pretty much since then. I had my 21st birthday on May 27th. I had a party the following day. It was fun. Got a buzz going, hung out with some friends, good times. I've gotten a few requests to update, so I promise to update more in the future. That is all...for now.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Rampage
Yeah, a post two days in a row. Amazing. I think I'll continue with my theme from yesterday. Things that bother me.
You know those annoying radio stations that play the same songs just about every hour? I have to listen to that shit everyday I work with a certain someone. I'm usually pretty lenient about the radio at work, I really don't pay much attention to it. Whomever I'm working with usually has control over it because I frankly don't care more times than not. I finally snapped the other day. I told my co-work, who shall remain nameless (Danelle), that we are sharing the radio from now on. I just can't take that shit anymore, especially because it is rap music. For starters, rap artists are the most talentless musicians known to man. They don't even play instruments for crying out loud, so they aren't even musicians. And another thing. You become a rap artist and you make one hit song. After that, you make five million remixes of it and people eat it up. That takes so much fucking talent! Jesus Christ, and all you dumb asses go out and continue to buy this crap. But back to the radio stations that play the same songs every hour. That's really what you want to hear? You honestly want to hear the same shit every hour? I don't care how good a song is, it doesn't need to be played on the radio every hour. I've went on about this for long enough and I'm stopping now. I hope I got my point across.
Obnoxious names. They come in all shapes and sizes. You've got your clearly obnoxious names like Destiny, Hazel, Apple, et al. Usually, these names are given to celebrity children because their parents think they are something special and unique. Then you have your obnoxiously spelled names and your obnoxiously pronounced name. The obnoxiously pronounced names are hard to convey over the Internet, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Anyways, you have parents that spell their child's name with a y when it is normally an i, parents that add or subtract certain letters off their child's name, and then you've got the parents that want to tinker with the pronunciation of a name. The point in all of this is that, as a parent, this is a form of child abuse. You are basically setting up your child for a life of correcting people all the time. Your child will go through his or her whole life saying, "no, that isn't how you pronounce my name, this is how you pronounce my name." And also, "no, that isn't how you spell my name, this is how you spell my name." Listen up everybody. Let's just stick with the common spellings and the common pronunciations. There needs to be a Geneva convention of names. I'd love to be on that committee. Anyway, I've rambled on about this too long. You're probably ready to kill me by now, so I'm done.
I've got one more thing I want to modernize. You know how there is all this talk in religion about God's flock, and shepherding God's flock, and all that jazz. That shit needs to be modernized. I've never seen a sheep before, and I'm sure the vast majority of people reading this have never seen a sheep before. Even if you've seen a sheep, it was on a farm or something. It isn't like you own sheep. The point is that people can't relate to sheep anymore. What, you ask, will replace sheep. Well, how about, God's Lemmings? You know what I'm takling about, that addictive computer game called Lemmings. The one where you try to save all the little lemmings because they are stupid and follow each other off of cliffs and stuff. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a remake of the game for you to try. Anyways, shepherding God's Lemmings. It sounds good to me, has a nice ring to it. So, to all you Lemmings out there, the rapture is coming. Get your seat picked out, go scale a mountain or cliff, jump off a building. Do whatever you gotta do to get ready for it. My only regret is that I won't be able to enjoy it with you, seeing as how I won't be one of the chosen few. Say hello to Jesus for me though!
And I'm spent. Good night everyone.
You know those annoying radio stations that play the same songs just about every hour? I have to listen to that shit everyday I work with a certain someone. I'm usually pretty lenient about the radio at work, I really don't pay much attention to it. Whomever I'm working with usually has control over it because I frankly don't care more times than not. I finally snapped the other day. I told my co-work, who shall remain nameless (Danelle), that we are sharing the radio from now on. I just can't take that shit anymore, especially because it is rap music. For starters, rap artists are the most talentless musicians known to man. They don't even play instruments for crying out loud, so they aren't even musicians. And another thing. You become a rap artist and you make one hit song. After that, you make five million remixes of it and people eat it up. That takes so much fucking talent! Jesus Christ, and all you dumb asses go out and continue to buy this crap. But back to the radio stations that play the same songs every hour. That's really what you want to hear? You honestly want to hear the same shit every hour? I don't care how good a song is, it doesn't need to be played on the radio every hour. I've went on about this for long enough and I'm stopping now. I hope I got my point across.
Obnoxious names. They come in all shapes and sizes. You've got your clearly obnoxious names like Destiny, Hazel, Apple, et al. Usually, these names are given to celebrity children because their parents think they are something special and unique. Then you have your obnoxiously spelled names and your obnoxiously pronounced name. The obnoxiously pronounced names are hard to convey over the Internet, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Anyways, you have parents that spell their child's name with a y when it is normally an i, parents that add or subtract certain letters off their child's name, and then you've got the parents that want to tinker with the pronunciation of a name. The point in all of this is that, as a parent, this is a form of child abuse. You are basically setting up your child for a life of correcting people all the time. Your child will go through his or her whole life saying, "no, that isn't how you pronounce my name, this is how you pronounce my name." And also, "no, that isn't how you spell my name, this is how you spell my name." Listen up everybody. Let's just stick with the common spellings and the common pronunciations. There needs to be a Geneva convention of names. I'd love to be on that committee. Anyway, I've rambled on about this too long. You're probably ready to kill me by now, so I'm done.
I've got one more thing I want to modernize. You know how there is all this talk in religion about God's flock, and shepherding God's flock, and all that jazz. That shit needs to be modernized. I've never seen a sheep before, and I'm sure the vast majority of people reading this have never seen a sheep before. Even if you've seen a sheep, it was on a farm or something. It isn't like you own sheep. The point is that people can't relate to sheep anymore. What, you ask, will replace sheep. Well, how about, God's Lemmings? You know what I'm takling about, that addictive computer game called Lemmings. The one where you try to save all the little lemmings because they are stupid and follow each other off of cliffs and stuff. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a remake of the game for you to try. Anyways, shepherding God's Lemmings. It sounds good to me, has a nice ring to it. So, to all you Lemmings out there, the rapture is coming. Get your seat picked out, go scale a mountain or cliff, jump off a building. Do whatever you gotta do to get ready for it. My only regret is that I won't be able to enjoy it with you, seeing as how I won't be one of the chosen few. Say hello to Jesus for me though!
And I'm spent. Good night everyone.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Is everyone in this country high?
Just a forewarning, this post consists of me complaining about various things that bother me. If you don't want to hear it, stop reading right now.
Jesus Christ, I went to the mall today with my friend Andy. We went to Guess and Banana Republic, two places I never shop at, but apparently he does. Now, this isn't a knock on my good friend Andy, he's a good guy, but honestly, I could never see myself spending the kind of money people do at these stores. 80 bucks for a pair of fucking jeans? Really? No thanks, I'll stick with my 30 dollar Levi jeans, and even those are overpriced. 60 bucks for a shirt? Again, I'll pass and stick with my 18 dollar t-shirts from tshirthell.com. I just can't believe people actually spend that kind of money on clothes. I guess (get it guess...I crack mysef up) that explains why I don't have a girlfriend. Well, that and the fact that I have absolutely no self-confidence, a bad personality, and a twisted sense of humor. Enough about that though.
And another thing, to all you idiots that pay to get a tan at a tanning salon. What's up with that? For one, why don't you just go out in the Sun and get a tan for free? You might call me cheap, I call it being practical. For two, all that exposure to UV rays can give you skin cancer. So basically, you are paying for cancer. And besides, why do you need a tan anyway? Do you honestly think that it looks good? When I look at a girl, the last thing I care about is a tan. It goes face, breasts, ass, in that order. Well, maybe not in that order, but those are my top three. The point in all of this is a tan doesn't enhance your beauty. In my eyes, it doesn't add to your number. If you are a six, no amount of skin tone is going to add to your number. Please, someone explain the purpose of a tan? I suspect that it is only done because celebrities do it. In fact, I have had that tanning wasn't popular until celebrities back in the 1930s or so started doing it. Before that, a tan was looked down upon because it made you look like a fieldworker, which was a bad thing. Anyways, I'm done talking about that.
Tattoos. I can't stand them and can't understand why people get them. You're probably thinking I'm a real nerd, and that is fine, but hear me out. I like to look at the redeeming value of things. What exactly does a tattoo do for you? Does it make you cooler? Does it make you stronger? Does it make your penis bigger? If the latter was true, I would consider getting a tattoo, but it's not. Tattoos do absolutely nothing for you, except make you look trashy, in my opinion. I know I'll probably catch a look of flak for this, but that's how I feel. I'm not saying that everyone who has a tattoo is actually trashy, I'm just saying that is my first impression when I see one. This doesn't always apply if I already know you, because I already have an impression of you, but it does change my overall impression sometimes. With people I don't know though, if I see that they have a tattoo, I think less of them. That's probably not a good thing, but it is what we humans do. We judge. We can't stop judging, it is impossible. People are always saying not to judge, but everyone does it. Humans take in information, process it, and come away with their perception. Like right now, you are thinking, what a prude this guy is. You are taking in the information I am saying, processing it in your brain, matching it up with your definition of a prude, and labling me as such. That is fine, but just remember, you are judging me right now, whether you know it or not. And that's all I have to say about that.
Moving on to piercings. Another thing that has no redeeming value whatsoever. One specific type of piercing really bothers me though. I can tolerate the rest of them, but this one in particular bothers me. The piercing I am referring to is the tongue piercing. I think Chris Rock said it best when he said, "Kill Whitey." Wait a minute, that's not right. Ah, here it is: "If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue...he'll probably suck your dick." Again, this all goes back to perceptions. Whether or not these perceptions are true is irrelevant. When I see a girl with a pierced tongue, I see someone who is easy. It is probably not fair for me to think that, but that's the reality. And again, what exactly does a tongue piercing do for you? Sure, a girl sucking me off with one probably feels damn good, but last time I checked, my vacuum cleaner didn't need a tongue ring to get my off. I'm kidding of course, but I'm just saying that a blow job feels good, tongue ring or not. God damn, I really am an asshole.
Well, now that I have alienated all of my readers, made an ass of myself, and exposed myself as a prude, I think I'm going to end this post. And that's my cue to exit. Good night everyone!
Jesus Christ, I went to the mall today with my friend Andy. We went to Guess and Banana Republic, two places I never shop at, but apparently he does. Now, this isn't a knock on my good friend Andy, he's a good guy, but honestly, I could never see myself spending the kind of money people do at these stores. 80 bucks for a pair of fucking jeans? Really? No thanks, I'll stick with my 30 dollar Levi jeans, and even those are overpriced. 60 bucks for a shirt? Again, I'll pass and stick with my 18 dollar t-shirts from tshirthell.com. I just can't believe people actually spend that kind of money on clothes. I guess (get it guess...I crack mysef up) that explains why I don't have a girlfriend. Well, that and the fact that I have absolutely no self-confidence, a bad personality, and a twisted sense of humor. Enough about that though.
And another thing, to all you idiots that pay to get a tan at a tanning salon. What's up with that? For one, why don't you just go out in the Sun and get a tan for free? You might call me cheap, I call it being practical. For two, all that exposure to UV rays can give you skin cancer. So basically, you are paying for cancer. And besides, why do you need a tan anyway? Do you honestly think that it looks good? When I look at a girl, the last thing I care about is a tan. It goes face, breasts, ass, in that order. Well, maybe not in that order, but those are my top three. The point in all of this is a tan doesn't enhance your beauty. In my eyes, it doesn't add to your number. If you are a six, no amount of skin tone is going to add to your number. Please, someone explain the purpose of a tan? I suspect that it is only done because celebrities do it. In fact, I have had that tanning wasn't popular until celebrities back in the 1930s or so started doing it. Before that, a tan was looked down upon because it made you look like a fieldworker, which was a bad thing. Anyways, I'm done talking about that.
Tattoos. I can't stand them and can't understand why people get them. You're probably thinking I'm a real nerd, and that is fine, but hear me out. I like to look at the redeeming value of things. What exactly does a tattoo do for you? Does it make you cooler? Does it make you stronger? Does it make your penis bigger? If the latter was true, I would consider getting a tattoo, but it's not. Tattoos do absolutely nothing for you, except make you look trashy, in my opinion. I know I'll probably catch a look of flak for this, but that's how I feel. I'm not saying that everyone who has a tattoo is actually trashy, I'm just saying that is my first impression when I see one. This doesn't always apply if I already know you, because I already have an impression of you, but it does change my overall impression sometimes. With people I don't know though, if I see that they have a tattoo, I think less of them. That's probably not a good thing, but it is what we humans do. We judge. We can't stop judging, it is impossible. People are always saying not to judge, but everyone does it. Humans take in information, process it, and come away with their perception. Like right now, you are thinking, what a prude this guy is. You are taking in the information I am saying, processing it in your brain, matching it up with your definition of a prude, and labling me as such. That is fine, but just remember, you are judging me right now, whether you know it or not. And that's all I have to say about that.
Moving on to piercings. Another thing that has no redeeming value whatsoever. One specific type of piercing really bothers me though. I can tolerate the rest of them, but this one in particular bothers me. The piercing I am referring to is the tongue piercing. I think Chris Rock said it best when he said, "Kill Whitey." Wait a minute, that's not right. Ah, here it is: "If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue...he'll probably suck your dick." Again, this all goes back to perceptions. Whether or not these perceptions are true is irrelevant. When I see a girl with a pierced tongue, I see someone who is easy. It is probably not fair for me to think that, but that's the reality. And again, what exactly does a tongue piercing do for you? Sure, a girl sucking me off with one probably feels damn good, but last time I checked, my vacuum cleaner didn't need a tongue ring to get my off. I'm kidding of course, but I'm just saying that a blow job feels good, tongue ring or not. God damn, I really am an asshole.
Well, now that I have alienated all of my readers, made an ass of myself, and exposed myself as a prude, I think I'm going to end this post. And that's my cue to exit. Good night everyone!
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Site Meter
Just a quick update for myself. I didn't like my previous counter because it added a count every time I had a page view. I put the site meter counter today. That is all.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Carry On My Wayward Son
Well, I don't think that last update was as funny as I wanted it to be. It was a little too serious for my liking. When I began writing the update, I intended it to be over the top hilarious. It didn't turn out that way, although I think it had its moments. Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead with this post, pack it in, and call it a night. I guess not.
Okay, you've all heard of the expression "don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes." It goes back to the American Revolution, and possibly before that. Picture this though. Imagine if we used the expression in World War II against the Japanese. We'd all be speaking German right now. The Japanese would have destroyed us, single-handedly, if we employed that expression during WWII. It's a good thing the expression loose lips sink ships came along. That was probably our savior. I'd like to update the expression though, to fit a more modern time. Loose lips big tits. With that in mind, I'd like to update the former expression as well. Don't shoot until you see the bites of her thighs. I'll leave it up to you to interpret those two expressions for yourself. I think that both of these expressions fit the 21st century very well. You should start dropping them during your daily conversations, maybe it'll catch on.
I had an idea for a board game the other day. It's called Staircases and Batters, with a subtitle of Spousal Abuse. Basically, it's an offshoot of Chutes and Ladders. The premise of the game is this. Instead of having child-shaped game pieces, you have mom-shaped game pieces. The object of the game is to be the first mom to divorce court, which is located at the top of the board. You start out at the bottom of the board, in the area that is called "Dad's Doghouse." You flick the spinner and you move that many spaces up. If you land on a square that says "Back Talk to Husband," you get pushed down the stairs. If you land on a square that says "Forgot to Make Dinner," you get hit with a baseball bat to the next level up. As I said, the first mom to divorce court wins. I think this game teaches children the risks of talking back and the importance of having a good meal prepared the right way. It also teaches children to take turns and count, so that is an added bonus. It is important to note that this game has small parts and is therefore a choking hazard. It is not intended for children under 3 years, which is really a shame because that age range can learn a lot from this game.
Speaking of small parts, if I was going to get a tattoo, I think that's what I'd get tattooed on my penis. "Warning: small parts (choking hazard)" or something to that effect. Yes, I know this is getting a little personal, but hey, if you can't make fun of yourself you must have a really big ego.
Okay, you've all heard, by now, about the sexual tactics used by some of Americans female interrogators. If you haven't, check out this article. If you don't feel like reading it, here is the pertinent excerpt that you should read:
"Female interrogators tried to break Muslim detainees at the U.S. prison camp at Guantánamo Bay by sexual touching, wearing a miniskirt and thong underwear and in one case smearing a Saudi man's face with fake menstrual blood, according to an insider's written account."
I would just like to say, first and foremost, those tactics would never work on me. Well, except maybe the menstrual tactic, that is a bit sick. In any event, you usually have to pay 20 dollars for that kind of action. I would love to be interrogated in that way, aside from the menstrual thing. "I'll tell you anything you want, just take off you shirt!" I'd be saying. Ah, those crazy Muslims. Further proof that every religion is whacked in some regard.
And I'm spent. I hope you enjoyed the post. And if I offened you...well let's just say there's plently more where that came from.
Okay, you've all heard of the expression "don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes." It goes back to the American Revolution, and possibly before that. Picture this though. Imagine if we used the expression in World War II against the Japanese. We'd all be speaking German right now. The Japanese would have destroyed us, single-handedly, if we employed that expression during WWII. It's a good thing the expression loose lips sink ships came along. That was probably our savior. I'd like to update the expression though, to fit a more modern time. Loose lips big tits. With that in mind, I'd like to update the former expression as well. Don't shoot until you see the bites of her thighs. I'll leave it up to you to interpret those two expressions for yourself. I think that both of these expressions fit the 21st century very well. You should start dropping them during your daily conversations, maybe it'll catch on.
I had an idea for a board game the other day. It's called Staircases and Batters, with a subtitle of Spousal Abuse. Basically, it's an offshoot of Chutes and Ladders. The premise of the game is this. Instead of having child-shaped game pieces, you have mom-shaped game pieces. The object of the game is to be the first mom to divorce court, which is located at the top of the board. You start out at the bottom of the board, in the area that is called "Dad's Doghouse." You flick the spinner and you move that many spaces up. If you land on a square that says "Back Talk to Husband," you get pushed down the stairs. If you land on a square that says "Forgot to Make Dinner," you get hit with a baseball bat to the next level up. As I said, the first mom to divorce court wins. I think this game teaches children the risks of talking back and the importance of having a good meal prepared the right way. It also teaches children to take turns and count, so that is an added bonus. It is important to note that this game has small parts and is therefore a choking hazard. It is not intended for children under 3 years, which is really a shame because that age range can learn a lot from this game.
Speaking of small parts, if I was going to get a tattoo, I think that's what I'd get tattooed on my penis. "Warning: small parts (choking hazard)" or something to that effect. Yes, I know this is getting a little personal, but hey, if you can't make fun of yourself you must have a really big ego.
Okay, you've all heard, by now, about the sexual tactics used by some of Americans female interrogators. If you haven't, check out this article. If you don't feel like reading it, here is the pertinent excerpt that you should read:
"Female interrogators tried to break Muslim detainees at the U.S. prison camp at Guantánamo Bay by sexual touching, wearing a miniskirt and thong underwear and in one case smearing a Saudi man's face with fake menstrual blood, according to an insider's written account."
I would just like to say, first and foremost, those tactics would never work on me. Well, except maybe the menstrual tactic, that is a bit sick. In any event, you usually have to pay 20 dollars for that kind of action. I would love to be interrogated in that way, aside from the menstrual thing. "I'll tell you anything you want, just take off you shirt!" I'd be saying. Ah, those crazy Muslims. Further proof that every religion is whacked in some regard.
And I'm spent. I hope you enjoyed the post. And if I offened you...well let's just say there's plently more where that came from.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Complaints and Grievances
Yeah, I know I borrowed the title from George Carlin, but he is a good person to borrow things from. Over the past month, a lot of things have been bothering me about the world.
For starts, as you may or may not know, my sister got fired from her job. She worked at 7-11, with me, and she got fired about a month ago. It was around St. Patrick's day and she was fired for selling alcohol to a minor. It was a sting operation performed by the wonderful organization known as the Liquor Control Commission (LCC). Basically, our tax dollars at work. Michigan has an LCC, and I'm sure every state has one. I'm not sure how they do this internationally, but I'm almost positive that other countries aren't nearly as obsessed with preventing the so called crime of selling alcohol to a minor. Now don't get me wrong, there should be a legal drinking age here in the States, but it shouldn't be 21. 19 sounds good to me, like Canada. In any event, my sister got fired for selling alcohol to a person who was under 21. I'm not sure how old this person was, but that isn't the point. The point is that people in the age bracket of 18-21, and even younger, drink all the time. Not every 18-21 year old does, but it is a fairly common occurrence. Why then is this such a big deal?
At 18 we are considered adults, for the most part. We can get drafted, go to war, and die for our country. Why can't we crack open a beer if we feel like it? I don't drink, but I'm just saying, why is this such a hot button issue? Why do we have to have a commission that is dedicated to performing a sting operation on a 7-11 and costing someone their job? Again, don't get me wrong, my sister should have been more careful. It is, after all, the law. But my main point in all of this is that certain things in this state, and certain things in this country, don't make any sense. The drinking age needs to be lowered, at the very least, to 19. I think it would solve a lot of problems because it would take away the taboo of drinking. Some people drink like fiends until they are 21, and once they are of age, it's like all the magic is gone. I'm generalizing here, but alls I'm trying to say is that once it is no longer considered illegal, it isn't as big as a rush or whatever for some people. I'm done complaining about that though.
I ended up writing a piece of propaganda for my sister, trying to solicit funds for her, because she has to pay a very hefty fine soon. I basically wrote this as a joke, but I ended up giving it to her to show to some people at a St. Patrick's Day party that she was going to. She didn't get many donations, although a lot of people liked it. Anyways, here is the piece:
Why you should donate to Ashley’s “I Fucked up and Sold to a Minor” Fund
By Kenny Schweigel
In a perfect society, this fund would be unnecessary. The legal drinking age should really be 18. If you can be sent into war and potentially die for your country, you should be able to legally crack open a beer. I would even settle for the drinking age to be set at 19, like Canada, but that is neither here nor there. What I really want to do with this speech is try to persuade you to donate. I will give you a few reasons; I will try to appeal to you sensibilities, and hopefully, you will find it in your heart to donate to this fund.
Reason number one. I am sure everyone in this room has had an alcoholic beverage or two (or three or four…) while they were underage. You might not have tried to purchase alcohol while underage, you might have, but, the fact of the matter is, you probably didn’t get caught doing either of those two things. Ashley got caught selling alcohol to a minor. You, yourself, have probably participated in underage drinking in your youth, and you might have been one of the more ballsy few who tried to purchase alcohol as a minor. What am I trying to get at here? I’m trying to say that you owe the karma gods big time. You probably had a few alcoholic beverages in your underage days, and you might have purchased alcohol in your underage days, so you owe the karma gods in a major way. This is your chance to repay them. If you don’t believe in karma, that’s fine. Donate anyway.
Reason number two. Ashley is looking at a $500 fine here, possibly more. She barely makes 200 bucks a week, has bills to pay, and she just lost her job. Now, I know that everyone has bills to pay, and I know that everyone’s money is valuable to them. She’s not asking for much though. If she gets just one dollar from each of you, she will be grateful. If she can get one dollar from 500 people, that will be her $500 dollars right there. It is probably an unrealistic goal, but she is going to try. She sees no other way. She is feeling down right now, so please, lift up her spirits and donate to this fund.
Reason number three. It was an honest mistake. I worked with Ashley that night, and I could have been the one who made that mistake. Ashley isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, and I’d even go as far as to say that she’s the black crayon, but there is no reason why she should have to pay this fine by herself. As I said before, in a perfect society, this fund wouldn’t be necessary. Sure, she did sell to a minor and that is wrong. It was her first offence though, and she didn’t do it intentionally. She should have received a warning, at the very least. Instead, she will have to pay a $500 dollar fine (possibly more) and she has lost her job. Is this justice? When you think of justice, is this what you think of? Please, look deep into your consciousness and donate to this fund.
Well, I can’t think of any more reasons right now, so I’m done trying to persuade you. I’m sure there are many more reasons, so this isn’t definitive by any means. I would just like to thank you for taking the time to read this and Ashley thanks you, from the bottom of her heart, for donating to this fund. Before we part ways though, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Ashley wasn’t blessed with many brain cells, but, I think you’ll agree with me here, she makes up for it with her beauty and her charm. With that in mind, how can you say no to that face?
And there it is.
Moving on. Compassionate Conservatives. You hear this term all the time. Bush is a compassionate conservative. But really, if these conservatives are so compassionate, then why do they need the additional adjective in front of their ideology? If they are so compassionate, why do they need the word compassionate in front of their belief? Do liberals do that? No. Now I'm not saying that no conservatives are compassioante, nor am I saying that all liberals are comassionate. I'm just saying that those who call themselves compassionate conservatives are not at all compassionate. That would be like me calling myself Big Dick Ken. It would be like me adding that extra phrase in front of my name. In fact, I might just do that. Here is how it would go down:
Random Person: Hey Big Dick Ken, how's it going?
Me: Pretty good. Just trying to keep my big dick in my pants. And for all the ladies out there, there is a reason why I have big dick in front of my name. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
Maybe if I start calling myself that, I'll have a better chance with the ladies. Maybe not.... At any rate, you know what they say. If you say something often enough, people will start to believe it. It might work for me, it might not. It sure as hell is working for the conservatives though.
Okay, one last thing. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put words on the back of little girl's shorts. This little girl walked into 7-11 the other day and she had those shorts with a word stitched on the back. You know the ones I'm talking about. I understand the reasoning behind, pardon the pun, stitching a word on the back of women's shorts, it draws attention to the ass. But really, little girls? Do you really want people looking at a little girl's ass? Does any attention need to be drawn to that area of a little girl? This new line of clothing is just giving a pedophile an excuse to look at the ass of a little girl. And hell, I'm not even a pedophile and I was drawn to the ass. It was mildly disturbing, morally wrong, and it made me feel weird inside. So, to whoever decided it was a good idea to stitch words on the back of little girl's shorts, what the hell were you thinking?
Well, that's all I got for you tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
For starts, as you may or may not know, my sister got fired from her job. She worked at 7-11, with me, and she got fired about a month ago. It was around St. Patrick's day and she was fired for selling alcohol to a minor. It was a sting operation performed by the wonderful organization known as the Liquor Control Commission (LCC). Basically, our tax dollars at work. Michigan has an LCC, and I'm sure every state has one. I'm not sure how they do this internationally, but I'm almost positive that other countries aren't nearly as obsessed with preventing the so called crime of selling alcohol to a minor. Now don't get me wrong, there should be a legal drinking age here in the States, but it shouldn't be 21. 19 sounds good to me, like Canada. In any event, my sister got fired for selling alcohol to a person who was under 21. I'm not sure how old this person was, but that isn't the point. The point is that people in the age bracket of 18-21, and even younger, drink all the time. Not every 18-21 year old does, but it is a fairly common occurrence. Why then is this such a big deal?
At 18 we are considered adults, for the most part. We can get drafted, go to war, and die for our country. Why can't we crack open a beer if we feel like it? I don't drink, but I'm just saying, why is this such a hot button issue? Why do we have to have a commission that is dedicated to performing a sting operation on a 7-11 and costing someone their job? Again, don't get me wrong, my sister should have been more careful. It is, after all, the law. But my main point in all of this is that certain things in this state, and certain things in this country, don't make any sense. The drinking age needs to be lowered, at the very least, to 19. I think it would solve a lot of problems because it would take away the taboo of drinking. Some people drink like fiends until they are 21, and once they are of age, it's like all the magic is gone. I'm generalizing here, but alls I'm trying to say is that once it is no longer considered illegal, it isn't as big as a rush or whatever for some people. I'm done complaining about that though.
I ended up writing a piece of propaganda for my sister, trying to solicit funds for her, because she has to pay a very hefty fine soon. I basically wrote this as a joke, but I ended up giving it to her to show to some people at a St. Patrick's Day party that she was going to. She didn't get many donations, although a lot of people liked it. Anyways, here is the piece:
Why you should donate to Ashley’s “I Fucked up and Sold to a Minor” Fund
By Kenny Schweigel
In a perfect society, this fund would be unnecessary. The legal drinking age should really be 18. If you can be sent into war and potentially die for your country, you should be able to legally crack open a beer. I would even settle for the drinking age to be set at 19, like Canada, but that is neither here nor there. What I really want to do with this speech is try to persuade you to donate. I will give you a few reasons; I will try to appeal to you sensibilities, and hopefully, you will find it in your heart to donate to this fund.
Reason number one. I am sure everyone in this room has had an alcoholic beverage or two (or three or four…) while they were underage. You might not have tried to purchase alcohol while underage, you might have, but, the fact of the matter is, you probably didn’t get caught doing either of those two things. Ashley got caught selling alcohol to a minor. You, yourself, have probably participated in underage drinking in your youth, and you might have been one of the more ballsy few who tried to purchase alcohol as a minor. What am I trying to get at here? I’m trying to say that you owe the karma gods big time. You probably had a few alcoholic beverages in your underage days, and you might have purchased alcohol in your underage days, so you owe the karma gods in a major way. This is your chance to repay them. If you don’t believe in karma, that’s fine. Donate anyway.
Reason number two. Ashley is looking at a $500 fine here, possibly more. She barely makes 200 bucks a week, has bills to pay, and she just lost her job. Now, I know that everyone has bills to pay, and I know that everyone’s money is valuable to them. She’s not asking for much though. If she gets just one dollar from each of you, she will be grateful. If she can get one dollar from 500 people, that will be her $500 dollars right there. It is probably an unrealistic goal, but she is going to try. She sees no other way. She is feeling down right now, so please, lift up her spirits and donate to this fund.
Reason number three. It was an honest mistake. I worked with Ashley that night, and I could have been the one who made that mistake. Ashley isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, and I’d even go as far as to say that she’s the black crayon, but there is no reason why she should have to pay this fine by herself. As I said before, in a perfect society, this fund wouldn’t be necessary. Sure, she did sell to a minor and that is wrong. It was her first offence though, and she didn’t do it intentionally. She should have received a warning, at the very least. Instead, she will have to pay a $500 dollar fine (possibly more) and she has lost her job. Is this justice? When you think of justice, is this what you think of? Please, look deep into your consciousness and donate to this fund.
Well, I can’t think of any more reasons right now, so I’m done trying to persuade you. I’m sure there are many more reasons, so this isn’t definitive by any means. I would just like to thank you for taking the time to read this and Ashley thanks you, from the bottom of her heart, for donating to this fund. Before we part ways though, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Ashley wasn’t blessed with many brain cells, but, I think you’ll agree with me here, she makes up for it with her beauty and her charm. With that in mind, how can you say no to that face?
And there it is.
Moving on. Compassionate Conservatives. You hear this term all the time. Bush is a compassionate conservative. But really, if these conservatives are so compassionate, then why do they need the additional adjective in front of their ideology? If they are so compassionate, why do they need the word compassionate in front of their belief? Do liberals do that? No. Now I'm not saying that no conservatives are compassioante, nor am I saying that all liberals are comassionate. I'm just saying that those who call themselves compassionate conservatives are not at all compassionate. That would be like me calling myself Big Dick Ken. It would be like me adding that extra phrase in front of my name. In fact, I might just do that. Here is how it would go down:
Random Person: Hey Big Dick Ken, how's it going?
Me: Pretty good. Just trying to keep my big dick in my pants. And for all the ladies out there, there is a reason why I have big dick in front of my name. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
Maybe if I start calling myself that, I'll have a better chance with the ladies. Maybe not.... At any rate, you know what they say. If you say something often enough, people will start to believe it. It might work for me, it might not. It sure as hell is working for the conservatives though.
Okay, one last thing. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put words on the back of little girl's shorts. This little girl walked into 7-11 the other day and she had those shorts with a word stitched on the back. You know the ones I'm talking about. I understand the reasoning behind, pardon the pun, stitching a word on the back of women's shorts, it draws attention to the ass. But really, little girls? Do you really want people looking at a little girl's ass? Does any attention need to be drawn to that area of a little girl? This new line of clothing is just giving a pedophile an excuse to look at the ass of a little girl. And hell, I'm not even a pedophile and I was drawn to the ass. It was mildly disturbing, morally wrong, and it made me feel weird inside. So, to whoever decided it was a good idea to stitch words on the back of little girl's shorts, what the hell were you thinking?
Well, that's all I got for you tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Bowling Banquet
Had my bowling banquet tonight. I won about 250 bucks, which isn't too bad. I also wrote a poem for the occassion. No one will get it, but I'm going to post it any way. Just a little background though. Our bowling team consists of Matt, Donnie, Paul, me (Kenny) and Kirby. Kirby is a middle-aged man, we are all 20 somethings. So it pretty much goes without saying that Kirby is the team drunk. He isn't really a drunk, but compared to the rest of us he is. Let's just say he enjoys a few beers here and there. This poem is a modification of the story of Goldie Locks and the Three Bears. The title is Kirby Locks and the Three Beers. Notice the two different spellings. Bears and Beers. Here is the poem:
Kirby Locks and the Three Beers
Also Known As the Epic of Kirby
Also Known as the Little Kirby that Could
Once upon a time, there was a drunkard named Kirby
As you might have guessed, he drank till he was topsy-turvy
On one fine day, he wandered through the woods
He came upon a brewery, and said, this is good
I’ll go in, he said
And pump the place full of lead
I’ll kill them all, he exclaimed
And then I’ll drink until it rains
But as he approached the door
He fell flat on his face to the floor
Kirby, as you can plainly see, was already drunk as could be
And although he didn’t flee, I think he might have broke a knee
No matter to Kirby though
He got up using both elbows
He stood up and reordered himself
And then he laughed like a little elf
After that, he tried to walk into the place
But he forget to turn the knob and hit his face
He laughed again, you know the laugh
He must have split his gut in half
He kicked the door with all his might
And there was a sound like dynamite
No bother though, it was only gas
It was coming out of Kirby’s ass
Kirby finally entered the complex
Looking like a drunken T-Rex
Kirby went strolling through the halls
Proudly playing with both his balls
However, Kirby found no one inside
He wondered where they were, did they hide
He was elated though, he took a pill
Now he didn’t have to kill
Kirby searched and searched for alcohol
Playing now with just one ball
He finally found some in the back
And then he did a line of crack
How he did that, I do not know
He moved around to-and-fro (like a giant Eskimo)
He took a sip of the first beer, too sweet
It also smelled just like his feet
Kirby shouted, is this all you’ve got
He grew tired and fell asleep on a cot
On his own vomit, he didn’t choke
What a miracle, he awoke
He gathered enough courage to go looking for more
But then he met a dreadful disgusting dirty whore
He had his way with her and he asked her not to stray
She said, no way, you’re a terrible lay, have a nice day
Heartbroken, Kirby ran far far away
But in the brewery he did stay
He looked and looked for some beer
He pranced around like a giant queer
He finally found more, he cracked it open
From the bong, he was tokin’
He took a swig of the second beer, too sour
He must have cried for about an hour
Woe is me, woe is me, he lamented
He looked at his penis, he had bent it
That dirty whore, he then said
He looked around for a great big bed
He found one and went to lie down
But under the covers, there was a mound
Another whore, he jumped for joy
He got in to play with his new toy
Poor old Kirby, the same reaction
Although, he did get some action
The whore got up and ran away
Much to halfhearted Kirby’s dismay
Kirby had to press on though, he came too far
He didn’t want to spend the night at a bar
He continued his quest with no luck
He was just about to say oh fuck…
He finally found the third beer and drank it, just right
Not like those two-bit whores, they weren’t tight
After the case of beer was through
Kirby decided to sniff some glue
After that, he had himself some fun
He found another whore with sticky buns
He took her to a hammock, what a blunder
And gave her his three inches of thunder
And so they lived happily ever after
Oh what joy, oh what rapture
The two of them, they had four kids
And it’s really a shame that they did
One is named Paul, one is named Matt
Both of them are clueless ass hats
The other two, as you can clearly see
Have the names of Kenny and Donnie
And that’s the epic of a man named Kirby
He’ll be on the next episode of Maury
Discussing all the venereal disease he got
On the hammock, on the bed, on the cot
And as for his kids, if you can’t tell
All four of them are doing well
Except for Paul, he’s quite dumb
That retarded asshole cut off his thumb
And that's it. I also forget to mention that I wrote this poem to inspire our team to change its name to Kirby's Kids. We are currently Kirby's Heroes, because we all wear Superhero shirts. Those bastards didn't want to change the name, so I pretty much wrote the poem for nothing. Anyways the hilarity of the poem is probably lost on all of you because you don't know Kirby. If you did know him, you'd be laughing you ass off right about now. That's the reaction I got out of everyone who read it and knows him. Well, that's all I got tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
Kirby Locks and the Three Beers
Also Known As the Epic of Kirby
Also Known as the Little Kirby that Could
Once upon a time, there was a drunkard named Kirby
As you might have guessed, he drank till he was topsy-turvy
On one fine day, he wandered through the woods
He came upon a brewery, and said, this is good
I’ll go in, he said
And pump the place full of lead
I’ll kill them all, he exclaimed
And then I’ll drink until it rains
But as he approached the door
He fell flat on his face to the floor
Kirby, as you can plainly see, was already drunk as could be
And although he didn’t flee, I think he might have broke a knee
No matter to Kirby though
He got up using both elbows
He stood up and reordered himself
And then he laughed like a little elf
After that, he tried to walk into the place
But he forget to turn the knob and hit his face
He laughed again, you know the laugh
He must have split his gut in half
He kicked the door with all his might
And there was a sound like dynamite
No bother though, it was only gas
It was coming out of Kirby’s ass
Kirby finally entered the complex
Looking like a drunken T-Rex
Kirby went strolling through the halls
Proudly playing with both his balls
However, Kirby found no one inside
He wondered where they were, did they hide
He was elated though, he took a pill
Now he didn’t have to kill
Kirby searched and searched for alcohol
Playing now with just one ball
He finally found some in the back
And then he did a line of crack
How he did that, I do not know
He moved around to-and-fro (like a giant Eskimo)
He took a sip of the first beer, too sweet
It also smelled just like his feet
Kirby shouted, is this all you’ve got
He grew tired and fell asleep on a cot
On his own vomit, he didn’t choke
What a miracle, he awoke
He gathered enough courage to go looking for more
But then he met a dreadful disgusting dirty whore
He had his way with her and he asked her not to stray
She said, no way, you’re a terrible lay, have a nice day
Heartbroken, Kirby ran far far away
But in the brewery he did stay
He looked and looked for some beer
He pranced around like a giant queer
He finally found more, he cracked it open
From the bong, he was tokin’
He took a swig of the second beer, too sour
He must have cried for about an hour
Woe is me, woe is me, he lamented
He looked at his penis, he had bent it
That dirty whore, he then said
He looked around for a great big bed
He found one and went to lie down
But under the covers, there was a mound
Another whore, he jumped for joy
He got in to play with his new toy
Poor old Kirby, the same reaction
Although, he did get some action
The whore got up and ran away
Much to halfhearted Kirby’s dismay
Kirby had to press on though, he came too far
He didn’t want to spend the night at a bar
He continued his quest with no luck
He was just about to say oh fuck…
He finally found the third beer and drank it, just right
Not like those two-bit whores, they weren’t tight
After the case of beer was through
Kirby decided to sniff some glue
After that, he had himself some fun
He found another whore with sticky buns
He took her to a hammock, what a blunder
And gave her his three inches of thunder
And so they lived happily ever after
Oh what joy, oh what rapture
The two of them, they had four kids
And it’s really a shame that they did
One is named Paul, one is named Matt
Both of them are clueless ass hats
The other two, as you can clearly see
Have the names of Kenny and Donnie
And that’s the epic of a man named Kirby
He’ll be on the next episode of Maury
Discussing all the venereal disease he got
On the hammock, on the bed, on the cot
And as for his kids, if you can’t tell
All four of them are doing well
Except for Paul, he’s quite dumb
That retarded asshole cut off his thumb
And that's it. I also forget to mention that I wrote this poem to inspire our team to change its name to Kirby's Kids. We are currently Kirby's Heroes, because we all wear Superhero shirts. Those bastards didn't want to change the name, so I pretty much wrote the poem for nothing. Anyways the hilarity of the poem is probably lost on all of you because you don't know Kirby. If you did know him, you'd be laughing you ass off right about now. That's the reaction I got out of everyone who read it and knows him. Well, that's all I got tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
When The Levee Breaks
Yeah, I'm back. I decided to update tonight. Partly because I'm bored, and partly because I haven't updated in quite some time. Nothing new to report. I have been thinking a lot about this blog lately. I don't really post much, and my life isn't that interesting, so I am thinking about turning it into one of two things. I am either going to turn it into a parking lot, because there is no parking on my street, or I am going to turn it into a comedy blog. I'm sure the former would be more productive, seeing as how I'm probably not that funny, but I have been feeling the comedy itch lately. Usually when I have an itch, I put some anti-itch cream on, but this time that didn't work.
I am currently in a discussion with my buddy Rich about the merits of going to a titty bar. I think that it degrads woman. However, I have no problem watching pornography, which is equally degrading to woman. As you can tell, I'm in a bit of a quagmire here. And I'm not talking about Quagmire from Family Guy, although he is great and that is a fantastic show. Speaking of Family Guy, new episodes on May 1st. May is going to be a great month. New Family Guy episodes, the conclusion to the Star Wars trilogy, and my 21st birthday. I also get out of school. May is looking up, but I still gotta make it through April. You know what they say though, golden showers, she's deflowered.
Well, that is a nice segue into my next topic. I listen to Loveline, as you may or may not know. It's a nationally syndicated radio program and it is great. Adam Carolla stated on a previous show that a lot of sayings that we use today need to be updated to fit the 21st century. For example, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Kids aren't dropping this saying, and sayings like it, anymore. Instead of that saying though, he came up with, pull yourself up by your thong back. I am now on a quest to come up with a few more of my own. Look for that in the future.
And now for something completely different. I remember, from my philosphy class last semester, that Descartes came up with a proof for the existence of God. I have come up with something similiar.
Ken's Proof for the Existence of a Black God
1. God made man in his form
2. Man has a penis
3. God is not the lesser to man in any aspect
If these three principles hold true, and if there is a God, God must have an enormous penis. Since white men typically have small penises (I really think peni should be the plural of penis, but I could have used penes), the only logical conclusion one can make is that God is black.
While, I have committed enough heresies for one night. Good night, and I'll see you all in hell!
I am currently in a discussion with my buddy Rich about the merits of going to a titty bar. I think that it degrads woman. However, I have no problem watching pornography, which is equally degrading to woman. As you can tell, I'm in a bit of a quagmire here. And I'm not talking about Quagmire from Family Guy, although he is great and that is a fantastic show. Speaking of Family Guy, new episodes on May 1st. May is going to be a great month. New Family Guy episodes, the conclusion to the Star Wars trilogy, and my 21st birthday. I also get out of school. May is looking up, but I still gotta make it through April. You know what they say though, golden showers, she's deflowered.
Well, that is a nice segue into my next topic. I listen to Loveline, as you may or may not know. It's a nationally syndicated radio program and it is great. Adam Carolla stated on a previous show that a lot of sayings that we use today need to be updated to fit the 21st century. For example, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Kids aren't dropping this saying, and sayings like it, anymore. Instead of that saying though, he came up with, pull yourself up by your thong back. I am now on a quest to come up with a few more of my own. Look for that in the future.
And now for something completely different. I remember, from my philosphy class last semester, that Descartes came up with a proof for the existence of God. I have come up with something similiar.
Ken's Proof for the Existence of a Black God
1. God made man in his form
2. Man has a penis
3. God is not the lesser to man in any aspect
If these three principles hold true, and if there is a God, God must have an enormous penis. Since white men typically have small penises (I really think peni should be the plural of penis, but I could have used penes), the only logical conclusion one can make is that God is black.
While, I have committed enough heresies for one night. Good night, and I'll see you all in hell!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
I'm sorry...I tried
Well, I tried to update tonight, twice. I just wasn't feeling it. My first update wasn't vey good, so I scrapped it. My second update was equally as bad, so I decided to forget about updating all together. I don't even know why I'm updating you on this situation of not updating, but I figured it is better than no update at all.
To sum up what I wrote in my first update:
Went to the Detroit Science Center with my buddy Rich. Had a good time. We went out to eat at Red Robins afterwards. It was decent. I bowled today. Wasn't a very good night. I'm feeling depressed, which is probably not good. I should really go see that therapist. The End.
My second update consisted of me endlessly rambling about nothing. I'll leave it at that. You stay classy, San Diego.
To sum up what I wrote in my first update:
Went to the Detroit Science Center with my buddy Rich. Had a good time. We went out to eat at Red Robins afterwards. It was decent. I bowled today. Wasn't a very good night. I'm feeling depressed, which is probably not good. I should really go see that therapist. The End.
My second update consisted of me endlessly rambling about nothing. I'll leave it at that. You stay classy, San Diego.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
It's been a while...
Yeah, I realize that I haven't posted in about a month. Not much has happened since then. I went and got another scope for my ulcers near the beginning of February. All is well now, no more ulcers. I just have to keep taking my Prilosec and everything should be fine. I talked to my doctor a few weeks back and asked her for a number to a therapist. We both agreed that talking to a therapist would be good for reducing my stress. Listen to me talk here, I sound like I'm 40. Oh well, we'll see how that goes.
School is going well. Nothing much to report. My mythology class is really interesting. We are reading the Odyssey. I remember reading that in like 7th grade, and I couldn't recall hardly anything about it. It's funny though, as I was reading it, it was kind of like deju va. It was as if I read it just yesterday. Well, I'm exaggerate a little bit, but you get the picture. I remembered more than expected. Enough about that though.
I'm currently watching the Pistons game. They are winning 60-50 at half time. I don't usually watch basketball. Without hockey though, there isn't much else on in terms of sports. I could go on about how much it sucks without hockey, but it would be pointless and a waste of your time. Suffice to say though, I am definitely not pleased about it. Baseball is starting up again soon. A lot of people don't like baseball, but I am not one of them. It is slowly passing football as my second favorite sport. I guess that's what happens when you finally have a competitive team to root for. I'm not expecting a playoff appear by the Tigers this year, but it would be nice. Hopefully they can reach .500 and build from there. I can't wait for the season to start though. I'm more excited this season than I was last season.
I was planning on having a whole post dedicated to the differences between men and women. Of course, I never got around to it. I have decided to post what I have so far, which isn't much. I wanted to think of more, but, like I said, I haven't. Bear in mind that these are my own perception and may be in conflict with reality. You be the judge:
The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's start with orgasms. Women are all over the map. Some girls can only have it with oral sex and it is the rare girl that can have it with intercourse. Some girls need something up their ass to acheive orgasm. Some girls have multipe orgrams. Some girls have to fake orgasms, which brings me to an analogy. The female orgasm is a lot like a flying saucer. Nobody is really sure if they exist, except for the government, but when somebody witnesses one, everybody knows about it. Here is a tip from me to you. If your girlfriend has a friend who is multiorgasmic, I suggest you put a bullet in that girl's head. She'll be putting ideas into you girlfriend, and the only thing that needs to be put into your girlfriend is your cock. Seriously though, that girlfriend will make you look bad for not being able to give your girlfriend an orgasm. Like I said, girls are all over the place, and you don't need somebody else telling your girlfriend what kind of orgasm she should be having. That's also why you don't allow you girlfriend to read Cosmo. It is pure garbage. Never ever ever let your girlfriend read Cosmo. Also, bear in mind that I'm talking about girls that are around 20 here. Older women are more experienced and now what it takes for them to achieve an orgasm.
Okay, moving on to the male. What can I say, it's fairly simple. You stimulate the penis. The penis becomes excited. The penis squirts something out in about ten minutes or less and then it takes a nap. Well, you're probably expecting another analogy, so here goes. The male orgasm is like a firehose. Once the fire's out, that's it. In addition to that, the penis is analogous to a fire truck. This might not make any sense, but hear me out. Okay, so how fast the fire truck can get to the next fire depends upon how old it is. So, the length of the penis nap depends on how old you are, but it usually isn't very long for most people under 40. So, as you can see, it doesn't matter how old a male is. As soon as he is able to have an orgasm, he can have an orgasm. The refractory period grows larger as he gets older, but the mechanism for his orgasm stays the same. Once the plumbing is in place, it's game time for the male.
Well, like I said, that wasn't very long and probably wasn't that funny. I tired. I have a couple of one liners I came up with while listening to commerials during the Piston's game. Here they are:
So, GoodYear's slogan is GoodYear tire and rubber company. Why didn't somebody tell me GoodYear made condoms! I knew there was a deeper meaning to the name GoodYear. I guess my definition of a good year would be 52 times. What about yours?
I'm sure most of you won't get this next one because this is strictly a Michigan company. Let me start off by saying that this is a slogan for a window manufacturer. It isn't really a slogan, it is what they say in their commerials. I think they should add something to what they advertise though. They advertise that they have double hung windows. Instead of what they normally say, I think that they should say, "double hung...like a black man's penis." I guarantee that makes them popular with the brothers. And let me tell you, that's a huge market. How many houses are broken into in black neighborhoods? And what is the point if entry? The window. And how to you breach a window? You break the damn thing.
Well, that is all I have for you tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
School is going well. Nothing much to report. My mythology class is really interesting. We are reading the Odyssey. I remember reading that in like 7th grade, and I couldn't recall hardly anything about it. It's funny though, as I was reading it, it was kind of like deju va. It was as if I read it just yesterday. Well, I'm exaggerate a little bit, but you get the picture. I remembered more than expected. Enough about that though.
I'm currently watching the Pistons game. They are winning 60-50 at half time. I don't usually watch basketball. Without hockey though, there isn't much else on in terms of sports. I could go on about how much it sucks without hockey, but it would be pointless and a waste of your time. Suffice to say though, I am definitely not pleased about it. Baseball is starting up again soon. A lot of people don't like baseball, but I am not one of them. It is slowly passing football as my second favorite sport. I guess that's what happens when you finally have a competitive team to root for. I'm not expecting a playoff appear by the Tigers this year, but it would be nice. Hopefully they can reach .500 and build from there. I can't wait for the season to start though. I'm more excited this season than I was last season.
I was planning on having a whole post dedicated to the differences between men and women. Of course, I never got around to it. I have decided to post what I have so far, which isn't much. I wanted to think of more, but, like I said, I haven't. Bear in mind that these are my own perception and may be in conflict with reality. You be the judge:
The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's start with orgasms. Women are all over the map. Some girls can only have it with oral sex and it is the rare girl that can have it with intercourse. Some girls need something up their ass to acheive orgasm. Some girls have multipe orgrams. Some girls have to fake orgasms, which brings me to an analogy. The female orgasm is a lot like a flying saucer. Nobody is really sure if they exist, except for the government, but when somebody witnesses one, everybody knows about it. Here is a tip from me to you. If your girlfriend has a friend who is multiorgasmic, I suggest you put a bullet in that girl's head. She'll be putting ideas into you girlfriend, and the only thing that needs to be put into your girlfriend is your cock. Seriously though, that girlfriend will make you look bad for not being able to give your girlfriend an orgasm. Like I said, girls are all over the place, and you don't need somebody else telling your girlfriend what kind of orgasm she should be having. That's also why you don't allow you girlfriend to read Cosmo. It is pure garbage. Never ever ever let your girlfriend read Cosmo. Also, bear in mind that I'm talking about girls that are around 20 here. Older women are more experienced and now what it takes for them to achieve an orgasm.
Okay, moving on to the male. What can I say, it's fairly simple. You stimulate the penis. The penis becomes excited. The penis squirts something out in about ten minutes or less and then it takes a nap. Well, you're probably expecting another analogy, so here goes. The male orgasm is like a firehose. Once the fire's out, that's it. In addition to that, the penis is analogous to a fire truck. This might not make any sense, but hear me out. Okay, so how fast the fire truck can get to the next fire depends upon how old it is. So, the length of the penis nap depends on how old you are, but it usually isn't very long for most people under 40. So, as you can see, it doesn't matter how old a male is. As soon as he is able to have an orgasm, he can have an orgasm. The refractory period grows larger as he gets older, but the mechanism for his orgasm stays the same. Once the plumbing is in place, it's game time for the male.
Well, like I said, that wasn't very long and probably wasn't that funny. I tired. I have a couple of one liners I came up with while listening to commerials during the Piston's game. Here they are:
So, GoodYear's slogan is GoodYear tire and rubber company. Why didn't somebody tell me GoodYear made condoms! I knew there was a deeper meaning to the name GoodYear. I guess my definition of a good year would be 52 times. What about yours?
I'm sure most of you won't get this next one because this is strictly a Michigan company. Let me start off by saying that this is a slogan for a window manufacturer. It isn't really a slogan, it is what they say in their commerials. I think they should add something to what they advertise though. They advertise that they have double hung windows. Instead of what they normally say, I think that they should say, "double hung...like a black man's penis." I guarantee that makes them popular with the brothers. And let me tell you, that's a huge market. How many houses are broken into in black neighborhoods? And what is the point if entry? The window. And how to you breach a window? You break the damn thing.
Well, that is all I have for you tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Happy Black History Month
I was bored tonight, so I took a few tests. Here are my results:
And just for the record, I'm 20, so that test is fairly accurate.
Just a note to self, I added a new hit counter. That's all I have for now. Stay classy, San Diego!
|
You Have A Type A- Personality |
|
A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds |
|
You Are 21 Years Old |
|
21 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
And just for the record, I'm 20, so that test is fairly accurate.
|
Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence |
 You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. |
Just a note to self, I added a new hit counter. That's all I have for now. Stay classy, San Diego!
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
SpongeBob is...
gay? No, this isn't an insult. I'm not a fan of the show...but, apparently, there is an organization that thinks SpongeBob SquarePants is a tool used to promote the tolerance of homosexuals. Don't believe me? Read it for yourself here.
First off, I want to say that this is ridiculous, if true. I'm going to go off on one of my crazy, raging tangents in about a minute, but I have other things about this issue to discussion. So, I did some more research on this, and I found a website that lists an upcoming episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. The episode is entitled: SpongeBob SquarePants - Spongebob Gay Spectacular. Now, I'm not sure how credible this website is, so I went looking some more. Here is that website, if you're interested.
I searched google with the following search terms: SpongeBob SquarePants Spongebob Gay Spectacular. Yes, the same terms as the name of the suspected episode. I figured it was a good place to continue because it had all the terms I was looking for. I didn't find anymore hard evidence on the existence of the episode, but the original website that I looked at says it airs on January 30th. If you didn't already know, that is the same day as the Iraqi elections. Coincidence? Most likely, but I find it a little ironic. You now, it's like rain...on your civil union day. Nevermind....
Okay, my second order of business is to break down the quote. This quote is from the group that made these outrages accusation. Now, this might be a big shock to all of you...this group was a Christian group! Who would have guessed it! A Christian group that has a problem with the gay agenda! That's like the KKK having a problem with "niggers." Anyways, here is the quote I want to break down:
"We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," he said. "It is a classic bait and switch." -- Paul Batura, assistant to Mr. Dobson at Focus on the Family
If you didn't already notice, this quote is from the New York Times article above. Since he mentioned the subject of brainwashing, let's talk about that for a second. His group, Focus on the Family, sees the video as an insidious means by which the organization (the organization that made the supposed video supporting the gay agenda) is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids. I could be wrong, but doesn't that sound a lot like something religion does to children? Religion has been brainwashing people for thousands of years. Gotta get most people while they're young though, to have the best chance to brainwash them! Let's take a brief look at the religious history of brainwashing, shall we?
The Earth is the center of the universe! The only way people will believe that there is a God is if he's focused solely on humans! Nevermind that there are probably millions of planets just like ours elsewhere in the universe! If there is a God, he is focused solely on Earth because we are so fucking great. Well, as you all probably know, and I really hope you do, the Earth isn't the center of the universe. It isn't even the center of the solar system. Despite that fact, this belief went on for thousands of years. We don't believe that the Earth is the center of the universe anymore, but the affect of that ancient belief is still with us today. What I mean by this is people still think that, if there is a God, he is focused only on humans. Now, to me, that notion is completely insane. If God is the creator of the universe, the alpha and the omega, the being that is everywhere and nowhere at the same time, then why wouldn't he create life elsewhere. Why wouldn't he want as many beings worshipping him as possible? And does anyone else have a problem with God being referred to as a him or a he? It makes me think that the people who created Christianity were all men. Oh...that's right. They were! Okay, this is one of my crazy tangents. Although, I'm not raging quite yet, but stay tuned for that.
Back on topic. The quote referred to a "bait and switch." I'm not a man who knows what that term means, so I looked it up online. Here is the definition:
1. the ploy of offering a person something desirable to gain favor (as political support) then thwarting expectations with something less desirable
So, by that definition, the something desirable is the cartoon character SpongeBob. The something less desirable is homosexuality. By using SpongeBob to promote homosexuality, it is somehow wrong because these assholes say it is. And who the hell decided that homosexuality is less desirable? Oh, that's right religion strikes again! I'm tired of religion telling people what is less desirable for them. If you're attracted to the same sex, how is that less desirable to you? Now, I realize that I am stretching the quote a little bit, but my point remains the same. I'm tired of these self-righteous pussies telling other people what they can and cannot do. I'm tired of the wars caused by religion. I'm tired of the intolerance and prejudices people have because of religion. Basically, I'm sick and tired of religion.
Yes, there was a little rage there. I could have gone off a lot more, but I decided not to just yet. I wanted to point out an article I found from the group that is making these accusations. Here it is. The group said that this is all a big misunderstanding. It says that Dr. Dobson, who supposedly said something about SpongeBob being gay, was misquoted. Basically, he said that his words were misrepresented. But, even if his words were misrepresented, his group doesn't promote tolerance. Here is a direct quote from the article:
"While words like 'diversity' and 'unity' sound harmless — even noble — enough, the reality is they are often used by gay activists as cover for teaching children that homosexuality is the moral and biological equivalent to heterosexuality. And there is ample evidence that the We Are Family Foundation shares — and promotes — that view"
Hell yeah! And there is ample evidence that your group is fucking off its rocker! You mother fuckers are so God damn, and yes, I used God's name in vain, caught up with promoting your religious agenda, you fail to realize that not everyone shares your view! I don't share your view, a lot of other people don't share you view, and quite frankly, you view is a bunch of pie in the sky bullshit. The only reason I have any respect for religion is that it keeps people in line. Some people need religion to act the right way. Myself, I don't need anyone to tell me how to act. I lead my life how I want to and I'm still a good person. I've never killed anyone, I've never been arrested, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't gamble and I call my mother. Basically, I don't have many of the so called "vices" that many religious people have. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with drinking, drugs or gambling. Quite the contrary. I believe that you should be allowed to live your life however you want to. If you want to do drugs, drink, or gamble, that is fine with me. You aren't having any impact on my life. This goes the same for you religious people out there. If you need the crutch of religion to hold you up, that's fine by me. If you want to believe that there is a God, more power to you. I'll see your ass in hell though.
That post was so long, I think my dick grew a couple inches in the process. Yes, wishful thinking, I know, but a guy can hope. Good night everyone! And just for the record, I'm not gay, but I know some of you intolerant bastards will think that....
First off, I want to say that this is ridiculous, if true. I'm going to go off on one of my crazy, raging tangents in about a minute, but I have other things about this issue to discussion. So, I did some more research on this, and I found a website that lists an upcoming episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. The episode is entitled: SpongeBob SquarePants - Spongebob Gay Spectacular. Now, I'm not sure how credible this website is, so I went looking some more. Here is that website, if you're interested.
I searched google with the following search terms: SpongeBob SquarePants Spongebob Gay Spectacular. Yes, the same terms as the name of the suspected episode. I figured it was a good place to continue because it had all the terms I was looking for. I didn't find anymore hard evidence on the existence of the episode, but the original website that I looked at says it airs on January 30th. If you didn't already know, that is the same day as the Iraqi elections. Coincidence? Most likely, but I find it a little ironic. You now, it's like rain...on your civil union day. Nevermind....
Okay, my second order of business is to break down the quote. This quote is from the group that made these outrages accusation. Now, this might be a big shock to all of you...this group was a Christian group! Who would have guessed it! A Christian group that has a problem with the gay agenda! That's like the KKK having a problem with "niggers." Anyways, here is the quote I want to break down:
"We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," he said. "It is a classic bait and switch." -- Paul Batura, assistant to Mr. Dobson at Focus on the Family
If you didn't already notice, this quote is from the New York Times article above. Since he mentioned the subject of brainwashing, let's talk about that for a second. His group, Focus on the Family, sees the video as an insidious means by which the organization (the organization that made the supposed video supporting the gay agenda) is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids. I could be wrong, but doesn't that sound a lot like something religion does to children? Religion has been brainwashing people for thousands of years. Gotta get most people while they're young though, to have the best chance to brainwash them! Let's take a brief look at the religious history of brainwashing, shall we?
The Earth is the center of the universe! The only way people will believe that there is a God is if he's focused solely on humans! Nevermind that there are probably millions of planets just like ours elsewhere in the universe! If there is a God, he is focused solely on Earth because we are so fucking great. Well, as you all probably know, and I really hope you do, the Earth isn't the center of the universe. It isn't even the center of the solar system. Despite that fact, this belief went on for thousands of years. We don't believe that the Earth is the center of the universe anymore, but the affect of that ancient belief is still with us today. What I mean by this is people still think that, if there is a God, he is focused only on humans. Now, to me, that notion is completely insane. If God is the creator of the universe, the alpha and the omega, the being that is everywhere and nowhere at the same time, then why wouldn't he create life elsewhere. Why wouldn't he want as many beings worshipping him as possible? And does anyone else have a problem with God being referred to as a him or a he? It makes me think that the people who created Christianity were all men. Oh...that's right. They were! Okay, this is one of my crazy tangents. Although, I'm not raging quite yet, but stay tuned for that.
Back on topic. The quote referred to a "bait and switch." I'm not a man who knows what that term means, so I looked it up online. Here is the definition:
1. the ploy of offering a person something desirable to gain favor (as political support) then thwarting expectations with something less desirable
So, by that definition, the something desirable is the cartoon character SpongeBob. The something less desirable is homosexuality. By using SpongeBob to promote homosexuality, it is somehow wrong because these assholes say it is. And who the hell decided that homosexuality is less desirable? Oh, that's right religion strikes again! I'm tired of religion telling people what is less desirable for them. If you're attracted to the same sex, how is that less desirable to you? Now, I realize that I am stretching the quote a little bit, but my point remains the same. I'm tired of these self-righteous pussies telling other people what they can and cannot do. I'm tired of the wars caused by religion. I'm tired of the intolerance and prejudices people have because of religion. Basically, I'm sick and tired of religion.
Yes, there was a little rage there. I could have gone off a lot more, but I decided not to just yet. I wanted to point out an article I found from the group that is making these accusations. Here it is. The group said that this is all a big misunderstanding. It says that Dr. Dobson, who supposedly said something about SpongeBob being gay, was misquoted. Basically, he said that his words were misrepresented. But, even if his words were misrepresented, his group doesn't promote tolerance. Here is a direct quote from the article:
"While words like 'diversity' and 'unity' sound harmless — even noble — enough, the reality is they are often used by gay activists as cover for teaching children that homosexuality is the moral and biological equivalent to heterosexuality. And there is ample evidence that the We Are Family Foundation shares — and promotes — that view"
Hell yeah! And there is ample evidence that your group is fucking off its rocker! You mother fuckers are so God damn, and yes, I used God's name in vain, caught up with promoting your religious agenda, you fail to realize that not everyone shares your view! I don't share your view, a lot of other people don't share you view, and quite frankly, you view is a bunch of pie in the sky bullshit. The only reason I have any respect for religion is that it keeps people in line. Some people need religion to act the right way. Myself, I don't need anyone to tell me how to act. I lead my life how I want to and I'm still a good person. I've never killed anyone, I've never been arrested, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't gamble and I call my mother. Basically, I don't have many of the so called "vices" that many religious people have. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with drinking, drugs or gambling. Quite the contrary. I believe that you should be allowed to live your life however you want to. If you want to do drugs, drink, or gamble, that is fine with me. You aren't having any impact on my life. This goes the same for you religious people out there. If you need the crutch of religion to hold you up, that's fine by me. If you want to believe that there is a God, more power to you. I'll see your ass in hell though.
That post was so long, I think my dick grew a couple inches in the process. Yes, wishful thinking, I know, but a guy can hope. Good night everyone! And just for the record, I'm not gay, but I know some of you intolerant bastards will think that....
Sunday, January 16, 2005
HERE I AM...
...ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!
Good evening everyone. I haven't updated in a while, but this will be my third post this month. So, I am starting the new year off on the right foot. I have my first day of class tomorrow, which should be fun. I spent the day with my grandma today and we watched football. She fell down and possibly broke her arm the other day, but she refused to go to the hospital that day/today because she wanted to watch football. I guess she has a high tolerance for pain. I know my ass would be at the hospital immediately.
Only one of the teams that I wanted to win did. I wanted the Rams, the Jets, and the Colts to win, but they didn't. Instead, the Falcons, the Steelers (those lucky bastards), and the Patriots won. The only team that won that I wanted to win was the Eagles. I can't stand the Vikings, partly because they are in the same division as my Lions, and partly because I can't stand Randy Moss. I wasn't as outraged as some people over his whole mooning incident, but I didn't apperiate his comment after he got fined. He got fined 10,000 dollars and, when asked about how he felt about it, he said something like, "what's 10,000 dollars to me?"
Now, the reason I was angry about his comment is because I barely make over 10,000 dollars a year. I'm still in college, so I won't be making 10,000 a year for very long (hopefully), but it just got me thinking how lucky some people are to have a skill like Randy Moss has. Sports stars, movie stars, rock stars, etc. It makes me wish I had one talent that I could make some money off of. I guess everyone has that wish, but comments like that make me realize it even more.
Anyways, I'm doing rambling on about things I can't change. Good night everyone!
Good evening everyone. I haven't updated in a while, but this will be my third post this month. So, I am starting the new year off on the right foot. I have my first day of class tomorrow, which should be fun. I spent the day with my grandma today and we watched football. She fell down and possibly broke her arm the other day, but she refused to go to the hospital that day/today because she wanted to watch football. I guess she has a high tolerance for pain. I know my ass would be at the hospital immediately.
Only one of the teams that I wanted to win did. I wanted the Rams, the Jets, and the Colts to win, but they didn't. Instead, the Falcons, the Steelers (those lucky bastards), and the Patriots won. The only team that won that I wanted to win was the Eagles. I can't stand the Vikings, partly because they are in the same division as my Lions, and partly because I can't stand Randy Moss. I wasn't as outraged as some people over his whole mooning incident, but I didn't apperiate his comment after he got fined. He got fined 10,000 dollars and, when asked about how he felt about it, he said something like, "what's 10,000 dollars to me?"
Now, the reason I was angry about his comment is because I barely make over 10,000 dollars a year. I'm still in college, so I won't be making 10,000 a year for very long (hopefully), but it just got me thinking how lucky some people are to have a skill like Randy Moss has. Sports stars, movie stars, rock stars, etc. It makes me wish I had one talent that I could make some money off of. I guess everyone has that wish, but comments like that make me realize it even more.
Anyways, I'm doing rambling on about things I can't change. Good night everyone!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
More Snow!
Hooray! I just got done shoveling more snow. I shoveled my driveway and my grandma's driveway, with the help of my dad. Now I'm just sitting here relaxing. I don't know what compelled me to update again, but I did. That should be a good enough reason for you.
I start school again on January 17th. I am not too excited about this semester. I am still at a community college and I still don't know what I'm going to do for a career. I guess I should know what I want to do by now and I should definitely be at a university of some sort. I really need to figure all this out, so I have a lot of thinking to do between now and the fall semester.
Well, that is all I have for you right now. Here are my results for a quiz I just finished:
End of transmission....
I start school again on January 17th. I am not too excited about this semester. I am still at a community college and I still don't know what I'm going to do for a career. I guess I should know what I want to do by now and I should definitely be at a university of some sort. I really need to figure all this out, so I have a lot of thinking to do between now and the fall semester.
Well, that is all I have for you right now. Here are my results for a quiz I just finished:
 | You scored as Chandler. You're Chandler. The sarcastic commitment phobe. Could you BE any funnier.
Which Friend are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
End of transmission....
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Bring On Global Warming!
Sorry for the lack of updates again, but I just can't seem to find the will/time to update. Let me start off by saying that I hate snow. I hate driving in it, I hate shoveling it, and I hate seeing it. I'm either going to move to California or Florida, or hope that global warming happens before I die. If so, I can stay in Michigan because I am one of the few people that actually likes living here. I don't love it, but it is not too bad. To put it plainly, there are worse places to live in America, in my opinion. I'm not saying that Michigan is the best, but it isn't that bad.
In other news, this is my first post of the new years. I only posted twice in December, so I guess my New Year's Resolution will be to update more often and masturbate less. Oh, and get a girl friend, which will probably lessen my masturbation needs. You probably didn't want to hear that, but hey, you just did.
I had a rather enjoyable Christmas vacation. Spent some time with my family, got lots of presents, you know, the usual. I worked on Christmas and got time and a half for it. I get paid for that tomorrow and that is a good thing because I had to take my car in to fix my tires and brakes, which cost me about 80 bucks. Also, I have to pay some medical bills for my ulcer episode, so I am just a never ending pile of bills right now. Well, what can you do, it's a welcome to the real world for me.
Um, nothing much else to say really. Good update, I'll see you out there.
And for those of you that don't know, that last line there (good update...) was an Old School reference. I substituted a word, but still a reference. Oh, and if you haven't seen Old School yet, I suggest you do because it is a great movie. Good night everyone!
In other news, this is my first post of the new years. I only posted twice in December, so I guess my New Year's Resolution will be to update more often and masturbate less. Oh, and get a girl friend, which will probably lessen my masturbation needs. You probably didn't want to hear that, but hey, you just did.
I had a rather enjoyable Christmas vacation. Spent some time with my family, got lots of presents, you know, the usual. I worked on Christmas and got time and a half for it. I get paid for that tomorrow and that is a good thing because I had to take my car in to fix my tires and brakes, which cost me about 80 bucks. Also, I have to pay some medical bills for my ulcer episode, so I am just a never ending pile of bills right now. Well, what can you do, it's a welcome to the real world for me.
Um, nothing much else to say really. Good update, I'll see you out there.
And for those of you that don't know, that last line there (good update...) was an Old School reference. I substituted a word, but still a reference. Oh, and if you haven't seen Old School yet, I suggest you do because it is a great movie. Good night everyone!
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Hello!
Well, I know a promised a barrage of updates once my college semester ended, but I guess it just isn't in the cards this time of year. After Christmas, I will hopefully update more often. I guess you'll just have to wait and see.
Anyways, here is a mini update. I did well in all my classes this semester. I got an A in Political Science, an A in Philosophy, and an A in Bowling (like that was hard). Good for me, I guess, I really don't like to talk much about my accomplishments, so moving on.
I spent the last two days over my grandma's house. I haven't seen her in a while, so it was nice to spend some time with her. We went Christmas shopping and it wasn't too bad, even though I hate shopping. I did all of my Christmas shopping on the Internet this year and I don't understand why more people don't do the Internet shopping thing. For one, there aren't any lines on the Internet. For two, it is usually cheaper to shop on the Internet (in my experience). For three, you don't have to pay taxes on the Internet (at least in Michigan). I could go on and on about the benefits of Internet shopping, but I won't.
I was watching CNN today and there was a story about those god damn magnets. The story told of the makers of the original magnets and the difference between the original magents and the imitator magnets (here is the link to the original makers). Just for the record, there is a difference between the magnets that this company makes and the magnets that 7-11 sells (the imiator magents). The magnets that Magnet America sells are made in America and this company actually donates some of its profits to the troops (possibly all of its profits to the troops, the story didn't really say, but I doubt that all the profits are donated to the troops). Magnet America also came up with the original magnet idea. On the other hand, the magnets that 7-11 sells are the ripped off version, made in Taiwan, and you know damn well that those fucks over at 7-11 keep every penny of the profits. Well, I don't know that for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me. I still have a problem with the magnets, even if some of the profits go to the troops, but I guess it is for a good cause. Well, not really a good cause, I don't agree with the war. Just FYI here people, you can disagree with the war and still support our troops. Having a magnet on the back of your car has nothing to do with supporting our troops, so you won't see one on my car.
Okay, that is enough for tonight. Good night everyone!
Anyways, here is a mini update. I did well in all my classes this semester. I got an A in Political Science, an A in Philosophy, and an A in Bowling (like that was hard). Good for me, I guess, I really don't like to talk much about my accomplishments, so moving on.
I spent the last two days over my grandma's house. I haven't seen her in a while, so it was nice to spend some time with her. We went Christmas shopping and it wasn't too bad, even though I hate shopping. I did all of my Christmas shopping on the Internet this year and I don't understand why more people don't do the Internet shopping thing. For one, there aren't any lines on the Internet. For two, it is usually cheaper to shop on the Internet (in my experience). For three, you don't have to pay taxes on the Internet (at least in Michigan). I could go on and on about the benefits of Internet shopping, but I won't.
I was watching CNN today and there was a story about those god damn magnets. The story told of the makers of the original magnets and the difference between the original magents and the imitator magnets (here is the link to the original makers). Just for the record, there is a difference between the magnets that this company makes and the magnets that 7-11 sells (the imiator magents). The magnets that Magnet America sells are made in America and this company actually donates some of its profits to the troops (possibly all of its profits to the troops, the story didn't really say, but I doubt that all the profits are donated to the troops). Magnet America also came up with the original magnet idea. On the other hand, the magnets that 7-11 sells are the ripped off version, made in Taiwan, and you know damn well that those fucks over at 7-11 keep every penny of the profits. Well, I don't know that for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me. I still have a problem with the magnets, even if some of the profits go to the troops, but I guess it is for a good cause. Well, not really a good cause, I don't agree with the war. Just FYI here people, you can disagree with the war and still support our troops. Having a magnet on the back of your car has nothing to do with supporting our troops, so you won't see one on my car.
Okay, that is enough for tonight. Good night everyone!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Bush...A Wise Man?
Well, if you don't know what I'm talking about, click here
If you are too lazy to click here, read this:
"The waxwork tableau at Madame Tussauds museum included U.S. President George W. Bush as one of the three Wise Men, actors Hugh Grant and Samuel Jackson as shepherds and Australian disco diva Kylie Minogue as an angel. 'There is a well-understood tradition that each generation interprets and reinterprets the Nativity . . . but, oh dear!' said Rev. Jonathan Jenkins, spokesman for the archbishop of Canterbury, who leads the world's 77 million Anglicans."
That is one tableau that really tableaus (get it, tab-blows). You don't get it, do you? Anyways, Bush as a Wise Man? Is this some kind of sick joke? I sure hope so, if Bush is a Wise Man, I'm Marry Fucking Poppins.
That is all I have to say really. Just wanted to point that out to everyone. Also, I have some exciting stuff in the works. My school semester ends next Wednesday, which means that you all have a lot of posts to look forward to! Thank you and good night.
If you are too lazy to click here, read this:
"The waxwork tableau at Madame Tussauds museum included U.S. President George W. Bush as one of the three Wise Men, actors Hugh Grant and Samuel Jackson as shepherds and Australian disco diva Kylie Minogue as an angel. 'There is a well-understood tradition that each generation interprets and reinterprets the Nativity . . . but, oh dear!' said Rev. Jonathan Jenkins, spokesman for the archbishop of Canterbury, who leads the world's 77 million Anglicans."
That is one tableau that really tableaus (get it, tab-blows). You don't get it, do you? Anyways, Bush as a Wise Man? Is this some kind of sick joke? I sure hope so, if Bush is a Wise Man, I'm Marry Fucking Poppins.
That is all I have to say really. Just wanted to point that out to everyone. Also, I have some exciting stuff in the works. My school semester ends next Wednesday, which means that you all have a lot of posts to look forward to! Thank you and good night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)