I will no longer be posting here

I have finally decided to break down and join the el jay community. For those of you who don't know, el jay means live journal. I have grown tired of blogger over the last few months and think that a change of scenery will do me well. If I don't like live joural, I might come back here. We'll see. Until then, you can find me here:

My El Jay

Ass Rammed

As I sit here typing this, the Detroit Lions are getting raped by the St. Louis Rams on Monday Night Football. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother with this team. I seriously don't. Year in and year out, they continue to disappoint me. I always get my hopes up and then shit like this happens every year. I know, I know. It's just preseason. But as of right now, the Lions are 0-3 in the preseason. They can't score in the red zone again. The defense has looked horrible every week. The three stud receives have looked mediocre, at best, all preseason. Joey Harrington, who looked great the first two games, has played horrible tonight. I don't know, I just can't take it anymore. The Lions have never been to a Super Bowl. Never. They haven't won a championship since 1957. That's almost 50 years. I'm 21 years old, and the other three major sports teams in Detroit have won a championship in my lifetime. Since the Lions last championship, the Tigers have won four championships (1935, 1945, 1968, 1984), the Pistons have won three (1989, 1990, 2004), and the Red Wings have won three (1997, 1998, 2002). That is absolutely ridiculous to the nth degree. And as if it couldn't get any more ridiculous, the Lions have only one playoff victory in that same time frame. That isn't just ridiculous. It's ricockulous.

Enough about the Lions though, what a downer. I'm excited about hockey starting up again. I have started a yahoo fantasy hockey league. Leave me a comment here if you are interested in joining. I need some more people to join, so anyone who regularly comments on here is welcome.

I'm so angry about Hurricane Katrina. Since it's a K, it should be Hurricane Ken. There aren't enough Hurricane Ken's blowing and there aren't enough girls blowing Ken. One of these days, I am going to make a list that has a theme for each state in the union. The state of Florida gets the theme, Rock You Like a Hurricane by the Scorpions. I think that it's a fitting theme. I would also like to say that Rock You Like a Hurricane is my personal theme. It represents how I roll, as the kids say.

Well, I got nothing more to bitch about, except gas prices. I'll save that for another update though. You stay classy, San Diego.

Hypocrites

If there is one thing I can't stand in this world, it's hypocrites. Now, I reailze that everyone is a hypocrite from time to time and that is fine. But the people that are constantly hypocritical, or hypocritical on the big things, really take the cake.

Take Pat Robertson, for example. This guy is a religious broadcaster for the Christian Broadcasting Network. In a recent eposide of the 700 club, he called for the killing of the Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez. Read more about it here

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the sixth commandment Thou Shall Not Kill? Let me go ahead and break a few things done that he said. This is what he said:

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

A few days later, he tried to defend himself by saying this:

"I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,'" Robertson said on his show. "'Take him out' could be a number of things..."

Right. Take him out. Our special forces could "take him out" for a nice night on the town. Maybe dinner and a movie. I hear Ashlee Simpson is great in Undiscovered. They could all have a nice steak dinner and booze it up a little. And if he plays his cards right, he could be pulling a train of special forces in his hotel room later that night. Come on now. What else could you possibly mean by take him out? What's that you say? Oh, taking him out could also mean kidnapping him? Let me point out what you said just prior to the take him out remark.

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

Oh, I see. It's all so clear to me now. Even though take him out could mean a number of things, you were clearly referring to assassinating him. Imagine if a Muslim clerk called for the assassination of President Bush. The United States would be up in arms and calling for the guys head. I may strongly dislike President Bush, but I don't wish death upon him. That's wrong. And what's even more wrong is a religious leader, who claims to be moral and righteous and all that, calling for the assassination of anyone.

Be that as it may, I'm a forgiving man and Robertson did say that he was sorry. That doesn't make him any less of a hypocrite though, nor does it make him any less accountable. I hope that the FCC takes some sort of action and there is a price to pay for this. Not necessarily revoking his broadcasting license, that would be too harsh I think. However, there has to be consequences for his actions on this one. But hey, even if nothing happens, he'll have to pay the fiddler one way or another. I'm sure God isn't too crazy about people who call for the assassination of someone. I mean, I don't believe in God or anything, but I'm sure that if there is one, He doesn't take too kindly to things like that.

Anyways, that's all I wanted to say really. You stay classy, San Diego.

Racism in Nature and in Language

Well, I said I was going to post this last night, but I didn't get a chance to finish it. Better late than never though, as the kids say. Here it is.

I now have something for you that I've been working on for quite some time. I've been noticing a lot of racism in today's society lately. You see it in the government especially. It's just a bunch of white guys running the world basically. But hey, I have no problem with that anymore. In fact, I've come to expect it. However, there are still some things that you never quite expect. It has recently come to my attention that nature has a lot of inherent racism in it. I guess you could say that it's nature's nature to be racist. In addition to that, the English language also has a lot of racism rooted in many words and phrases. If you have no ideal what I'm talking about, keep on reading.

Racism in Nature
Let's start with white water rapids. I'd like to know where in the hell all the black water rapids are? You have no clue either? I'll tell you where they are then. The white water rapids are keeping the black water rapids down. They are keeping the black water rapids down at the bottom. Yeah, that's where they are. I mean, when is the last time you got to go black water rafting? Never. That's wrong, it needs to change, and that's just one example of racism in nature.

Have you ever noticed how beautiful white clouds are? Yeah, they are just great. Picture this. You're sitting there on the edge of a hillside. Not a care in the world, just looking up at the clouds. So white and fluffy, like marshmellows. You are just sitting there, beginning to see the shape of a dragon in one cloud, and suddenly it happens. The clouds begin to darken. Those once beautiful white clouds slowly transform, until they become dangerous black clouds. For some reason, you no longer seem interested in cloud watching. You check your wallet, making sure it's still there. You then decide to make a b-line to your car, running in fear because you think one of the black clouds is going to jack it. Again, that's wrong, and it needs to change. I mean really, what's the beef with black clouds? Sure, they may rain on us more often than white clouds, but that isn't any reason to hate them. And yeah, their lightning bolts are a lot bigger than the white clouds, but you can't hate them for that either. I guess you could say that every black cloud has a silver lining. Consider that the next time you give a dirty look to a black cloud for talking loudy during a movie.

Staying on the topic of things in the sky. Have you ever noticed how simply amazing the nighttime sky looks? Everyone notices the beauty that they can see in the stars. So wonderful with their white, yellow, and red colors. However, the backdrop of those stars often goes unappreciated. I'm talking about the blackness of space here. And when I talk about the blackness of space, it fills me up with soul. And when I'm filled with soul, I usually gag a few times. But this time, I'm going to break into verse.

The blackness of space never gets any credit
And really the stars are indebted
To the blackness of space

Where else would the stars glow
If it wasn't for the fro
Of the blackness of space

And those shooting stars you see
It's just a killing spree
Coldly committed by the blackness of space

Oh, and where did the moon go
The horizon, it is below
Getting cornholed by the blackness of space

But don't you dare fear
The Sun will soon be here
To take away the blackness of space

And that was my poem dedicated to the blackness of space. I hope you enjoyed it.

Speaking of space, how about black holes? For some reason, black holes continue to get a bad rap, but who are we to judge? As most of you already know, the gravitational field of a black hole is so strong that not even light can escape it. Many people hate black holes for that reason and that reason only. But really, is being that attractive necessarily a crime? I mean, us white holes would kill to be that attractive. We would kill for it. To be fair though, we should just embrace our black hole brothers and realize that some of our white hole sisters prefer them over us. I mean, have you ever seen a white hole dance? Yeah, it isn't pretty. So let's all raise our glasses and give a toast to black holes. They may be the end of us, but at least they aren't at the end of us pounding us in the ass. That kind of thing does go on in the prison system though. With that in mind, just a word of advice before I go on. Don't drop the soap in prison. Because if you drop, there is one thing that won't espace your white hole, and we're not talking about light here....

I would now like to talk about something that is very near and dear to me. Mixed animals. Oh, what a terrible life they have to lead. Never fully embraced by either community, they are shunned by both of their respective peers. Their black brothers want nothing to do with them because they are part white and their white brethren want nothing to do with them because they are part black. It's horrible, really. With that on your conscience, I would now like to recognize the hardships of the following mixed animals:

• Zebras, the illegitimate offspring of black stallions and white mares. Their father is hung like a horse, but he doesn't stick around for very long. Meanwhile, their salt whore mother doesn't have a paying job and is on welfare. It must suck to be a zebra in today's society. Not only do you get fucked by lions, but you have a broken home to go back to if you survive. Terrible, I say, just terrible.
• Penguins, the mutated offspring of black crows and white doves. Not really much to say about penguins. They seem better adapted to their surroundings than the other mixed animals. I suspect that it has something to do with the way they walk. I heard on the National Geographic channel that they waddle because of all the anal sex they partake in. True story. I mean, you'd be waddling to if you got ass raped as much as penguins do.
• Pandas, the love child of black bears and polar bears. The most endangered mixed animal on this list. They eat bamboo and don't like to have sex. Sounds a lot like my (nonexistent) girlfriend. But with all kidding aside, Panda bears are a very majestic animal. And by majestic, I mean worthless. Like I said, they do nothing but eat bamboo and lounge around all day long. It is only a matter of time before the Panda bear goes the way of the dodo. And I say good riddance. I mean really, who needs Panda bears?
• Cows, orgins unknown. I'm not quite sure which two animals a cow comes from. It is one of the great mystery's of the world. There is not much research in this field, so it is tough to figure out. I do like cows though. Milk is good. I mean, who doesn't like milk? And don't you dare mention those lactose intolerant pussies. What a bunch of bastards they are. So fucking intolerant. Can't accept cows for who the are and what they have. I spit on them. Okay, that's enough about that. I can't udder anymore more words about cows. Get it? Udder. Oh man, I crack myself up. I'M A FREAKING RIOT!

Enough about racism in nature, moving on. I would now like to talk about racism in the English language.

Racism in the English Language
Has anyone else wondererd why it is perfectly okay to tell a little white lie, and yet, it isn't okay to blackmail someone? Am I the only one who see the irony in that? I mean, come on. Just because something is white, doesn't make it right. And just because something is black, doesn't make it wrong. In my opinion, it should either be perfectly okay to tell a little white lie/blackmail someone or it should be wrong on both accounts. I'm tired of the double standard. I know you're sick of it as well. It's time to take a stand here people. Let's stick it to the man.

And another thing. How about the expression, you aren't the brightest crayon in the box? What racist bastard came up with that? I mean, what crayon do you think they're talking about when they say that? Certainly not the white crayon, nor the yellow crayon, nor the red crayon. They are talking about the black crayon and that's wrong. It's bad enough that the black crayon is often times segregated in the slums of the crayon box, amongst the other shady crayons. That's bad enough as it is. And yet, the black crayon is constantly assaulted with the aforementioned expression. Please everyone. Do me a favor, do black crayons everywhere a favor, and stop using this expression. Also, ridicule everyone you hear using this expression. Explain to them what I've explained to you. Thank you.

With the recent release of the sixth Harry Potter book, it seems that just about everyone is infatuated with magic. That is all well and good, but I think you all are missing the point here. Do any of you realize what the Harry Potter series is really implying? It is implying that black magic is bad. I mean, come on. The kids take a class called defense against the dark arts. The dark arts. What's so wrong with the dark arts? Why can't black magic be good? Is it really so wrong to practice black magic? Who are we to judge what kind of magic is good and what kind of magic is bad? Will I ever stop asking rhetorical questions? Not likely. Anyways, my point remains the same. What is so wrong with black magic? Inquiring minds want to know.

And another thing. Why is it that you blacklist someone when they gain your disapproval and you want to punish them? Why wouldn't you whitelist them? I mean, what color is paper normally? Is it not white? Sure, sometimes paper is yellow, but that is neither here nor there. In my whole entire life, I've never seen a piece of black paper, aside from cardboard paper. So why then, why do we blacklist someone? Why do most terms with the word black in them have negative connotations? Sure, there are some terms, such as little black book, that represent a good thing, but those are few and far between. Why is that? I am now making it my life's work to replace the term blacklist with whitelist. I think I've made a very persassive argument for why it makes more sense. I encourage you to follow my lead. You'll be making the world a better place. And just think of the kids.

Alright, moving right along. What's up with the term dealing on the black market? You know, the place where you buy and sell illicit goods. Why is it that only illicit goods are sold on the black market? I'll tell you why. It's the man bringing the black market down. The man is too uptight, too rigid, to allow these so called illicit goods on the white market. And to that, I say this. Don't panic, it's organic. It comes from the Earth, man. And nevermind the fact that various poisonous plants come from the Earth. Nevermind the man behind the curtain. I wouldn't want to kill your buzz, man. I wouldn't want to trip all over you trip, so to speak. I wouldn't want to crap in your pot brownies. Here's the thing. To all you idiots that like to claim that pot isn't harmful to you because it comes from the Earth, consider what I'm saying. Just because something comes from the Earth doesn't make it good for you. In fact, like I said, various plants/berries that come from the GOD DAMN EARTH are bad for you. Why don't you grow the fuck up and come up with another excuse for your addiction. Okay, I went a little off track there, but that needed to be said.

I am now on the tail end of this update. I will make a few more futile attempts at being funny, so please stay with me. I have just a few more examples of racism in language. So please, consider the following:

• Black eyes. Is it possible for a black person to get a black eye? Someone get back to me on that.
• Black cats. Why are they considered bad luck? Why aren't white cats considered bad luck as well? Why aren't all cats considered bad luck? I'm more of a dog person, if you can't already tell.
• My dentist recently told me to stop drinking black pop. I told him to fuck off. I was all like, just because the pop I drink is black doesn't make it bad for my teeth. Then I kicked him in the shin, called him a racist bastard, and then started to walk away. He wasn't too happy with me and started to say something, but I turned around and cut him off. I SAID GOOD DAY SIR, I shouted at him. I was never allowed back at that place again. True story.
• The Black Plague. Also known as the Black Death. Also known as the Bubonic Plague. Okay, for one, how many god damn names does this plague need to have. I mean, I know it was one of the deadliest plagues ever, but come on. Enough is enough. Three names is just way too many. And for two, again with the black. Why does one of the deadliest plagues in the history of mankind have to have the color black associated with it? I'm kidding, of course. I do realize that it was called the Black Plague because of the black spots it produced on the skin of its victims. What do you think I am, an idiot? Don't answer that.
• Black flag. Actually, I like the black flag because I associate it with pirates. No further quarrels.

Well, it's been a long and hopefully rewarding journey. I'm glad you've made it this far. I thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read my ramblings. Until next time, this is Ken Schweigel signing off.

This updates for you

Well, I've gotten numerous requests from a few (two) people to update. I hate to disappoint, so here goes.

Life has been going alright. I'm on the tailend of a five day vacation from work. Boy did I ever need that. Being home these past five days has made me realize how much I really hate my job. I hate that place so much, it's not even funny. Well, I'll try to make it funny, but that's for later on in the update.

I've recently started seeing a therapist. I've went three times so far, with a fourth time lined up for the 23rd. The therapist thinks I have anxiety and she wants me to see a doctor about possibly taking some medication. I've had this anxiety problem for quite some time now and I really hope the medication helps me get it under control. The therapist also thinks that I am obsessive complusive, which I can also see. I'm not sure how we're going to work on that, but like I said, I've only went three times so far. I'm sure we'll work out a plan to get that under control as well. At least I hope so.

Anyways, enough about that. I would now like to take the time to voice a compliant I have with my work.

Suggestive selling. At my work, they want me to start doing suggestive selling. If you don't know what suggestive selling is, let me give you an example. As you may or may not know, I work at 7-11. And at 7-11, you get a deal if you buy two hot dogs. If the person buys one hot dog, they want me to suggest to the person to buy the another hot dog because they get a deal. Now, for one, the person gets a whole 20 cents off, so it isn't really a deal. But nonetheless, it's still a deal. For two, that isn't my idea of suggestive selling. Here's how I would do it. Hey fat ass. Yeah, you with the beer belly. Why don't you lay off the hot dogs and take a trip down the health bar isle there. Yeah, it's the fifth isle down, health bars will be on your right. And you with your fat hand on the jelly filled donut. Why don't you move your hand up a few shelves and have yourself a bagel. And you down the candy isle. Yeah, the person who is 150 pounds overweight and can barely walk from their car into the store without breathing hard. Why don't you go and take your lard ass to the gym and get yourself on the treadmill. Now that's what I call suggestive selling. I know I'm sounding awfully harsh here, but these things needed to be said.

Moving on. Tonight is a full moon. Some of you superstitious folk out there like to blame the full moon for all the bad things that have happened to you today. Some of you even go as far as to say that people act differently around the night of a full moon. Let me start off by saying this. I, for one, do not believe any of that crap. Here is how I see it.

You are having a bad day. It's your typical bad day, except there's a full moon out tonight. Any other bad day and you would think nothing of it. Or, at the very least, you'd attribute it to bad karma or some other crazy shit like that. People have a tendency to put two things together that have nothing to do with each other and then form what they think is a logical conclusion. I'm having a bad day today. Why am I having a bad day? Oh, it must be the full moon. If this happens enough times throughout your life, you begin to associate the full moon with bad days. And when you get it in your mind that you're going to have a bad day, you usually have a bad day. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, and on the front of people acting differently around the night of a full moon. I have a co-worker who claims that people act differently around the night of a full moon. She dreads working the night of a full moon because of it. In fact, she doesn't like to work the night before and the night after a full moon either. She claims that people act differently on those nights as well. My response to her is always the same. Why don't you go ahead and include the whole week of the full moon. I mean, if you're going to include the night before and the night after, go ahead and include the whole week. And while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and include the whole month. Again, this all goes back to people associating full moons with a few people acting strangely. Any other night, someone acts strange, you think nothing of it. But around the night of a full moon, someone acts strange, and it has got to be the full moon causing that person to act strange. Never mind the fact that you're actively looking for all the strangeness in people that day. No, it can't be that. It's got to be the full moon.

Okay, enough seriousness. My next post, which I am going to post tonight, is going to be a bit lighter. Stay tuned.

Bored

I'm bored, but I don't feel like updating. I'll fill out this survey instead.

time started: 10:54 pm
full name: Kenneth John Schweigel
nickname(s): Snood, Clutch Armstrong, K-Sizzle
birthday: May 27th, 1984
where were you born: Warren, Michigan
zodiac sign: I'm a Gemini but zodiac signs are for jerks and lesbians
height: 5' 7"
hair color: Brown
eye color: Blue
shoe size: 9
ring size: No ideal
skin type: I'm white as a ghost
blood type: No clue
grade: In college
siblings: A sister (19) and brother (13)
tattoos: LAME
piercings:Equally LAME
hobbies: Various sports (basketball, hockey, etc.)

favorite
color: Red
food: Italian
pizza topping: Cheese and pepperoni
salad dressing: N/A
sandwich: Peanut butter and jelly
cereal: Apple Jacks
fruit: Grapes
vegetable: Corn
cake: I'm not a big fan of cake
book: 1984
movie: Spaceballs
magazine: Popular Science
tv show: Family Guy
radio station: 94.7 WCSX (a local station in Detroit that plays classic rock)
actor: Adam Carolla (even though he's a C-List celebrity)
actress: Anyone with big tits (Jessica Simpson, Angelina Jolie, etc.)
cd: I don't own many CDs, but I'd have to say Queen Greatest Hits is pretty damn good
song: ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE - SCORPIONS (However, my favorite song of the moment is Woman by John Lennon)
music type: Mostly classic rock (Although, I like some new rock)
day of the week: Saturday
month: October
season: Fall
holiday: Halloween
shampoo: Dove
conditioner: Dove
number: 3, 13, and 666
store: Borders, Waldenbooks, Sears, Media Play, Best Buy
weather: Sun and clouds mixed (more sun than clouds though) with the temperature in the low 70s
restaurant: Coney
channel: Discovery Channel, National Geograhpic, History Channel, Comedy Central, ESPN
weekend activity: Every day of the week is the same for me
hangout: I enjoy hanging out in my room...yeah, I enjoy it (/end sarcasm)
house color: Light brown and green
sport to watch: Hockey
sport to play: Hockey
animal: I like dogs and cats (Dolphins are pretty cool too)
flower: Dandelions (who the hell decided tulips were so great)
guy's name: Clutch
girl's name: Amanda
party game: Eucher

have you ever
been on a train: Yes
been on a plane: Yes
been in a car accident: Not of my own causing (someone rear ended my family's car on Easter one year)
caused a car accident: No
run into a wall: Yes
burned a potato chip: With a lighter or match or something? Never.
almost burned the house down: No
smoked: Nope
been drunk: Yes, twice
broken the law: Hasn't everyone?
burned a cd: I'm not telling. But I would like to say fuck the RIAA.
kissed someone of the opposite sex: No (I'm lame, I know)
kissed someone of the same sex: I'm not gay, but I'll learn
made out: Never
had cyber sex: Yeah, in my younger days (which means yesterday)
gotten engaged: Not planning on it
had an online relationship: Nope
been rejected by a crush: No
loved: Yes
made yourself cry to get out of trouble: No, that's a chick thing
cried in public: Yeah
cried over a movie: Yeah, when I watched Bambi for the first time (In my defense, I was like four)
fallen asleep in a movie theater; Yeah, last time I remember is when I went to go see one of Shaq's movies (Blue Chips in 1994)
given someone a bath: No
been to a boarding school: Surf boarding school?
been home-schooled: No
lost a valuable item: I don't have many valuable items
bungee jumped: Nope, probably never gonna happen
skied: No
met the president: No, but if I did, you can bet your ass that I'd have a few choice words for that mother fucker
met a celebrity: No
gotten a cavity: I have a lot because I used to drink a lot of pop (Lay off the pop kids, it's not good for your teeth)
shopped at abercrombie & fitch: No, I'm not a lemming
made a prank call: Yeah, prank calls are great
skipped school: No
faked sick to get out of school: Never
climbed a tree: Yeah
fallen from a tree: Nope
broken a bone: My arm when I was nine
sprained anything: Not that I know of
passed out: No
made yourself pass out: How in the hell can you make yourself pass out?
been to disney world: Yes
been to a theme park (not disney): Yeah (Cedar Point and Six Flags counts, right?)
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative): No
made a model volcano (working model): Yeah, in the six grade
made a clover leaf with your tounge: I can't do it

past
what did you do yesterday: Worked
memory you miss the most: High school, it was such a simple time, even though I didn't particulary enjoy it
memory you want to forget: All my embrassing moments, those would be great to forget
something you regretted after it was done: Nothing is coming to mind, but I'm starting to regret filling out this lame ass survey though

the last
song you heard: Back in the USSR by the Beatles
cd you bought: I don't buy CDs. We went over this.
thing you said: No
time you cried: I can't remember
movie seen in a theater: Kicking and Screaming with my good friend E-Wizzle
thing you ate: Pizza and Three Cheese Bread from Hungry Howie's
person who called: I don't make phone calls (I can't remember the last one I made, that's how often I talk on the phone)
nail polish shade worn: I'M NOT A GIRL/FREAK YOU FUCK TARDS
time you showered: Today at 5:10 AM because I had to go to work
person who complimented you: I haven't received any compliments today. Thanks everyone.

at this moment
what are you listening to: The Beatles
what are you wearing: Blue jean shorts, an orange shirt, and socks (I'm a P I M P)
what are you thinking: Nothing at the moment, just filling out this survey
what are you scared of most: Life
how many people are on your buddy list: 62

future
occupation: No ideal
marriage site: I got nothing planned (Whatever the chick wants)
honeymoon: See above
place to live: Michigan is nice, but I'd love to move somewhere warmer in the winter
kids: Maybe two
car: I don't car, whatever gets me from point A to point B
what are you doing tomorrow: No plans
do you think george bush will be reelected: Too late
will there be a wwIII: I sure hope not
will politics ever be truthful: Yes, I strangely think so someday
will humanity snuff itself out: No, I think that science will prevent that
can the gov. be changed: Of course, the problem is people are too busy watching American Idol to give a flying rats ass, so there ya go

friends
best friend; Donnie
funniest: N/A
silliest: N/A
loudest: N/A
quietest: N/A
craziest: N/A
calmest: N/A
skinniest: N/A
best secret keeper: N/A
worst secret keeper: N/A
smartest: N/A
preppiest: N/A
peppiest: N/A
most hyper: N/A
hottest: N/A
weirdest: N/A
biggest pervert: N/A
shyest: N/A
most religious: N/A
(Sorry, I guess I don't know my friends well enough to answer these questions)


do you believe in
heaven: No
hell: No
angels: No
devil: No
god: No
buddha: No
aliens: Yes, but not the variety the human mind has cooked up (There is other lifeforms out there though)
ghosts: No (I KILLED THEM ALL WITH SALT! SALT OF THE EARTH BABY)
spirit (soul): No
soulmates: No
reincarnation: No
love at first sight: Or should I walk by again? (That's what she said)
karma: No, I think that the human mind puts two completely unrelated occurrences together and forms a conclusion that something supernatural happened (ghosts, god, aliens, karma, etc.). In reality, at least my reality, I've never seen anything to make me believe in karma.
love in general: Yes
luck: Sort of. It isn't so much luck as it is simple mathematical probability. I guess you can call that luck though. I don't believe that certain people are lucky and certain people are not though. I do use the term luck, however.
yourself: Not especially

crush
who and when was your first crush: In first grade. A girl named Amanda (I've been scarred for life)
any now: Possibly
a celebrity crush: Jessica Simpson is hot (I'd hit it)
who do you want to be with right now: I'm fine with being with myself right now
whos number do you want: I don't use phones (See above)
who do you want to kiss: I guess I'll use this space to say that I hate the term crush and the term crushing (It's so high-school-esque)
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex: I don't understand why girls do things that do nothing to make them more attractive. A girl is attactive whether or not she has a tan, has a nose piercing, has a tattoo, etc. None of those things raise your number. At least in my mind. Here's what I'm saying. No amount of a tan, no amount of piercings/tattooes in any location, makes an ugly girl hot. A hot girl is jus that. A hot girl.
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be: No ideal
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you: Zero
first thing noticed about the opposite sex: Tits and ass (It's the first thing I notice, call me shallow)
what do you look for personality-wise: A good sense of humor is the main thing
something they wear that turns you off: A burka
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you: Oral sex
the most romantic thing that has happened to you: Not oral sex
what do you wear on a coffee date: I haven't dated any coffee recently. I do, however, like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
is it right to flirt if you're taken: I think so. A lot of guys have a problem with it. I don't, as long as you aren't giving the guy head while flirting.
is cyber cheating: No, but it's still lame
are eyes the passegeway to the soul: I don't believe in the soul (Nice try with the trick questions asshole)
who would you like to take to the prom: I didn't go (I'm a real winner, lol)
do you want to hug somebody right now: No, but I feel like punching the clown
do you know what an aphrodisiac is: Yes, my lower horn is an aphrodsiac

describe
mellow: Marsh
melancholy: Depressed
the perfect date: Dinner and a movie, with oral sex performed somewhere before, during, or after dinner
the perfect mate: A girl with a good sense of humor, a nice rack/ass, and someone who likes me for me

one or the other
coke/pepsi: I don't care, but if I had to pick one, I'd say coke
sprite/7-up: Neither
boxers/briefs: Boxers
gold/silver: Gold
vanilla/chocolate: Vanilla
flowers/candy: Candy
book/magazine: Book
tv/radio: Radio
glass half empty/half full: Half full
democrat/republican: Neither. You mine as well ask me if I'd prefer to lose my left nut or right nut. I'd like to lose both. Wait a minute.... (Sorry for the bad joke)
colored pencils/markers: Colored pencils (I like colored things)
coffee/tea: Tea bag
sun/moon: Sun
day/night: Night
hot/cold: Hot
dog/cat: Dog
button/zipper: Zipper
cotton/feather pillow: Cotton
blue/purple: Blue
plumber/trashman: I belive the correct term is sanitation engineer
jeans/shorts: Shorts
long distance relationship/none: Can you have oral in a long distance relationship?
mechanical/regular pencil: Mechanical
matt/ben: Ben is so dreamy!
that 70's show/simpsons: Tough choice. The Simpsons.
kelso/eric: Kelso
donna/jackie: Jackie
bart/lisa: Bart
romeo/juliet: Juliet
romantic comedy/thriller: Comedy (not romantic)
nsync/bsb: LAME
peanut butter/jelly: Why do I have to choose between the two? They go so well together.
waffles/pancakes: Pancakes
letter/email: G-mail
florida/california: California
pizza/burgers: Pizza
hat/visor : Hat
football/rugby: Football
iceskating/blading: Both are fun. I prefer blading though.
movie at home/in theater: Home

first thing you think of when you hear
yellow: Sun
red lipstick: Oral
socks: Feet
cowtipping: Tommy Boy
moulin rouge: You know I don't speak spanish
greenland: Iceland
iceland: Greenland
harry potter: And the chamber of secrets
red: Wings
blackberry: Poisonberry
rose: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet
rooster: Cockle-cockle Doo (Or, as the gay rooster says, Any Cock'll Do)
taxes: The man
bill clinton: Monica
whipped cream: Hair cream
george w. bush: Not my President
lollipops: Candy shop
dreams: Failed memories
love: Hate
guys: HEY YOU GUYS
south park: One of the greatest cartoons of all-time
boy bands: The word homosexual comes to mind
pengiuns: Penguins don't have knee caps
girls: Tits
thong: Ass
death: Sucks
spoons: There is no spoon
junk mail: Chain letters
dairy: Cow
panties: Nice
your father: He's going to Georgia tomorrow
pizza: Pizza ass
britney spears: Classless
vitamin: B

are you
happy: Sometimes
sad: Sometimes
religious: Nope
bitchy: Never
crazy: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty
messy: No
mad: Sometimes
slacker: No
nerd: Yeah, I suspect so
bookworm: I would love to be more of a bookworm
jock: No
preppy: No
selfish: Not usually
giving: I try to be
obsessive: Yeah
violent: Not usually
calm: Most of the time
peaceful: Usually
mellow: Sometimes
eccentric: Yes
caring: Most of the time
untrustworthy: Very trustworthy
loyal: Not particularly
patriotic: I don't hate my country, but I wouldn't say I'm overally patriotic
perverted: Of course
colorful: I'm white
artistic: Not really

miscellanoues
what color is your jacket: I have Lions jacket
what color is your razor: Blue
what size is your bed: Futon
what color crayon would you be: Yellow (that way I'd be one of the brighest crayons in the box)
what are the last four digits of you phone number: 2844
feelings on abortion: People need to take responsibility for their actions. However, this isn't a country where people do that. So I am pro choice or anti-life, whatever you want to call it. If I got a girl pregnant, I would not make her get an abortion. In fact, I would beg for her to have the baby. It's not the baby's fault that we were irresponsible and weren't ready for a kid. I am big on people accepting responsibility for their actions. I am willing to accept resonsibility for my own actions, but I also understand that most people have a problem with that. And that's fine. It's your life. I'll lead my life how I want to. You go ahead and lead yours the way you want. And that's that.
how lond does it take you to shower: 20-30 minutes
what does your screenname mean: It's Jedi Snood Master because I am a Jedi Master at Snood
who so you trust the most: I trust no one
is cussing a necessity in life: Yes and no. It has it's place, but it shouldn't be every other word.
how about coffee: I'm not a fan
is the world screwed: In many ways, yes
what something you cant live without: KY
what time did you fall asleep: Last night at midnight
know what 69 means: It's a sexual position
how about 143: No ideal
can you live without a microwave: I'm sure I could
what do think about death: I'm not looking forward to it
where and when do you want to be married: No clue
do you want to drop out of school: No
why is the sky blue: It has something to do with the Earth's atmosphere and light waves (http://www.sciencemadesimple.com/sky_blue.html)
what is a good trait about yourself: I like my sense of humor (most people don't though, so I don't know if that's good or not)
what do you always think about: Why people act the way they do
what is wrong with your school: It's a junior college
what is right with your school: I enjoy the classes, even though they are doing nothing for my career
how do you react to change: I fear change
do you talk to yourself: Not really. I talk to myself inside my head though.
what is your opinion on love: All you need is love. Love is all you need.
what color would you dye your hair: Lame
best thing anyones told you: No ideal
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot: Hasn't happened
does being psycho appeal to you: Does said psycho girl give oral?
if you wrote a book, what would it be about: I have an idea for a children's book entitled "The Magical Phallus" (Details later possibly)
what would you change your name to: Yeah, to Clutch Armstrong
longest crush lasted how long: CRUSH IS TEH LAMEST TERM EVAR
tme finished : 12:18 AM (1 hour and 24 minutes)

Pissing and moaning

I've got a couple things I want to bitch about.

Number one: DVDs. All DVDs should have a full screen side and a wide screen side. There are two sides to every DVD, just like there are two sides to every coin. Imagine if the government only put something on one side of each coin. You would be pissed and you should be equally outraged at the entertainment companies here. I want the god damn home entertainment companies to start utilizing both sides of each and every DVD from now on. I'm tired of buying wide screen only or full screen only DVDs. I want both. I don't need an identifying sticker on the other side of a DVD. I want to have the option of full screen or wide screen. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Number two: fireworks. Now, is it just me, or I am the only one who thinks that they should be reserved for the Fourth of July only? Not the Third of July. Not the Fifth of July. Not June 27th. Not July 11th. The Fourth of July. The day America actually declared its independence. Here's the deal. If you want to go to some desolate place where there are no people for miles, and then light off fireworks, more power to you. But to all you assholes out there that just have to light off loud ass fireworks near my house, at midnight, a week after the Fourth of July, on a night that I have to go to work the next morning, preventing me from getting to sleep on time, and in the process taking a couple days off my life, I would just like to say fuck you. Holy run-on sentence Batman. I just committed a sentence structure faux pas, but it had to be done. For the love of Christ, it had to be done.

Number three: cellphones. I cannot stand people using cellphones in public places. If you go into a public place, get the hell off of your cellphone. Unless it's an absolute emergency, get off your cellphone. I'm sure that whatever is going on in your little cellphone conversing world is not that important. Here's the deal people. Cellphones were originally intended to be used for emergencies only. However, like most things, they are rarely used for their original purpose. As it stands, a cellphone is nothing more than a cordless phone with unlimated range. I swear to Allah, if another person walks into 7-11 on their cellphone, I'm going to go on a killing spree. I absolutely cannot stand cellphone use in public places. Have some common courtesy people. If you want to use it in your car, that's fine. But you better not be driving. That's a whole different rant though and I'll spare you of that this time. In closing, get off your god damn cellphones when entering a public place. I don't want to see them in convenience stores especially. In other public places, I can at least tolerate them. Here's how you'll know if you should get off your cellphone in a public place: If the public place isn't big enough for you to be on one end of the place without everybody hearing you, shut the damn thing off and continue the conversation elsewhere. You should really get off your cellphone in any public place, but that is the bare minimum amount of courtesy you should show people. Thank you.

I'm done complaining. I just have a few interesting facts to leave you with before I go:

• The human male is the only primate without a bone in his penis.



• 7-11 sells douche bags.



• I hate my job.



• Veni, vidi, vici means I came, I saw, I conquered in Latin.

Well, that's all I have for you tonight. Good night everyone.

Achilles Last Stand

Well, being since I haven't updated in a while...I think an update is in order.

I worked today, and while I was at work, a thought popped into my mind. This is going to sound a little morbid, but bare with me here. I was trying to think of some good songs to play at my funeral. Well, I'm not looking forward to my death or anything. It was just a thought. I guess I should rephrase. I was trying to think of some good songs to play at one's funeral.

This is what I came up with:

• Man in the Box by Alice in Chains


• Down in a Hole by Alice in Chains


• Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Clut


• Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin


• Another One Bites the Dust by Queen

That's what I came up with, off the top of my head. Anyone else have any other good songs to play at one's funeral. Like I said, I'm not looking forward to dying. This isn't a cry for help or anything. It is just one of those things you think about at work when you have nothing else to do.

While I'm on the subject of songs, I mine as well throw this out there. Just the other day, I was trying to think of some good songs that feature the cowbell. This video, along with the SNL skit, got me thinking about it. Just a little side note here. Please do yourself a favor and make sure you check out that link. Seriously, it is well worth the four minutes. It will make you giggle like a school girl. Anways, without further delay....

Songs that feature the cowbell:

• Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Clut


• Everybody's Working for the Weekend by Loverboy


• Mississippi Queen by Mountain


• Low Rider by War

Again, I'm looking for your help here. If you can name any song that has the cowbell, I would greatly appericate it. I GOT A FEVER...AND THE ONLY PRESCRIPTION IS MORE COWBELL! I GOTTA HAVE MORE COWBELL, BABY!

Enough about music. I've got one point to make and then I'm done.

Camouflaged wallets. One of the dumbest ideas in the history of mankind. Why would anyone want a camouflaged wallet? If it wasn't hard enough finding a lost wallet, you make it even more difficult by having a camouflaged wallet. By owning a camouflaged wallet, you are only making it ten times harder to find if you lose it. Whoever came up with the idea deserves a swift kick in the nuts. And to all you idiots out there with camouflaged wallets, go ahead and get yourself a new wallet. You will only be making it easier on yourself. Oh, and you're welcome.

Well, I wanted to type more, but I've run out of time. Good night.

So put your hands down my pants...

and I'll bet you'll feel nuts.

I don't know many things in life, but I do know one thing. I absolutely hate my job. I know, I know. Just about everyone hates their job. But seriously. I really hate my job. What do I hate most about it? Well, let me tell you.

I could take the easy way out and just say the customers. But like I said, that is taking the easy way out. There are various kinds of customers, some good, some bad. The good ones, obviously, don't piss me off at all. The bad ones, however, more than make up for it. Let me give you a few examples of the bad.

Customers that say, when you are working on a holiday, "It sucks that you have to work on [insert holiday here]." I've went over this before. Again, do people just not think? Do people just not care? Yes, I reailze that it sucks working on holidays. Thanks for bringing it up, jackass. I also realize that some people are just trying to make conversation when they say this, and that is fine. But after about four or five people say it to you, you get a little sick of it. Please people, for the love of God, or Allah, or whatever you beileve in. Do not, under no circumstances, say this to anyone working during a holiday. My blood pressure thanks you for it.

Customers that say stupid things, in general. I had one customer say, "Man, those Bud eight packs are the greatest invention ever." I was dumbfounded when he said this to me. Completely floored. I mean, really? Bud eight packs. Greatest thing ever invented? Not the light bulb? Or maybe the printing press? How about steam engine? Nope, Bud eight packs. Greatest invention ever. I didn't know what to say to the guy. Bud eight packs. Greatest thing ever invented. That's all I could think of the rest of the day. It was, quite possibly, the dumbest comment anyone ever made to me in my life. Dwell on that quote for another second. Bud eight packs. Greatest invention ever. Okay, not too long. You might injure your brain.

Customers that buy scratch lottery tickets/play the lotto. I want to start of by saying that playing the lottery is the biggest waste of money in the world. Well, maybe not the biggest. The war in Iraq is the biggest, but that is neither here nor there. In any event, the lottery, and gambling in general, is a huge waste of your money. And people continue to play it. And the regulars that come in and play every day, all they do is complain. Listen, people. I want to make this quite clear. It isn't my fault that I sold you a loser. It is your fault for buying it in the first place. Don't come back the next day and say, "You sold me a loser the other day." Technically, I did. But again, it's not like I know I'm selling you a loser. So it isn't my fault. So please, just shut your effing mouth.

Another thing that bothers me regarding people playing the lottery (but not nearly as much), is when people say, "Sell me the winning ticket." People say this to me especially when the Mega Millions gets up to 100+ million. Again, listen people. If I could sell anyone the winning ticket, it would be me. But I don't play the lottery. If I did though, you better bet your sorry ass that the winning ticket would go to me. Not you. Not your grandma. Not your spouse. Me. If I had any way of selling anyone the winning ticket, it would go to me. I can't reiterate that enough. If I had some magical way of setting someone up with the jackpot ticket, I would sell it to myself. Then, after I collect my winnings, I would buy the 7-11 I'm currently working at. Set it on fire and then piss on the ashes. Demolish whatever is left and pave over it. And then, when all is said and done, I would sell the lot to Speedway. That would be the start of my quest to rid the whole world of 7-11. It's a dirty job, but someone has got to do it.

Okay, moving on. Customers that bring in bottle returns. This is something that really ruffles my feathers. And I don't even have feathers. If you are reading this, you may or may not be familiar with bringing back bottle returns. Most states do not have a bottle return policy. Well, Michigan does. When you purchase various liquids in glass bottles, plastic bottles, and aluminum cans, you pay a 10 cents deposite per bottle/can. In order to get your 10 cents back, you must return said bottle/can. Now, that would be all well and good, if it wasn't for the next thing I'm about to say. People bring in returns that are absolutely disgusting. Returns that are just dirty. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. If you've ever had to accept bottle returns back, you know what I'm talking about. It is hard to describe what exactly makes these returns dirty. I suspect that it is mostly salvia, but I'm sure there are other things floating around in those returns. And whatever is in those returns inevitably gets onto the outside of the bottles/cans. So please people. I beg of you. Please, please, please wash your bottles/cans before you return them.

Before I wrap this up, I have two final things to say about bottle returns. Number one, I want to know where I have to sign so that I no longer have to pay a deposit on my returns. I will promise not to litter, and I will even promise to recycle the bottles/cans. I just want to know where I have to sign, or whose dick I have to suck, in order to avoid the hassle of paying for bottle deposits and returning the bottles. There has got to be a way for the citizens of this state to opt out of the bottle deposit program. Like I said, I would be willing to sign a statement that says, "If we find you littering your bottles/cans, your fine is triple," or whatever punishment they see fit. There has got to be a way. Whenever I bring this idea up to people though, it doesn't have much of a following. I usually get the idiotic response of, "But you'll be losing 10 cents!" to which I hit myself over the head with a tack hammer. I don't know what it is with people, or if it's just me, but I like to think that I make myself fairly clear when I speak of my ideas. With my idea in place, YOU DO NOT PAY THE 10 CENTS DEPOSIT. Therefore, YOU DO NOT LOSE 10 CENTS. The trade-off is, of course, you cannot litter the bottles/cans, or else you have to pay the penalty.

Okay, I said I wanted to say two final things about bottle returns and here is number two. Michigan bums have got to be the richest bums in America. Nowhere else in this country, as far as I know, can you get 10 cents per bottle return. What point am I trying to make here? The current 10 cents per bottle return policy attracts bums to Michigan. Now, I haven't seen the latest bum migration charts for this year yet, so take this for what it's worth. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that bums flock to Michigan once they catch wind of the bottle return policy. When asked what their reason was for moving to Michigan, I'm sure most bums would say, "The bottle return policy." I realize that there is no way of tracking this, and I also realize that I'm being a bit insensitive here, so I will stop now. You have to admit though, I have a point.

Well, that's all the time I have tonight. It's a quarter after midnight and I have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go back to work. Until next time, this is Ken Schweigel saying, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I just rocked you like a hurricane." I know, I know. Not the best closing statement in the world. However, it is something that I can sort of call me own. Good night, everyone.

WTF?

Okay. I need to get something off my chest before my head fucking explodes. Has anyone out there seen the "terrorist attack plan" commercials? If you haven't, the commercials encourage parents to talk to their children about what to do in case of a terrorist attack. Now, is it just me, or is this not a complete waste of taxpayer dollars? A terrorist attack plan? I don't even have a fucking plan for what to do in case of a fire, which, by the way, is a million times more likely to occur than a terrorist attack on or near my house! ARE THE POWERS THAT BE IN THIS COUNTRY INSANE? A terrorist attack plan? Really? You idiots are actually encouraging people, better yet, scaring people, into thinking a terrorist attack could happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time? And everybody is okay with this? What a colossal waste, but hey, I've come to expect that from my government. And people say that liberals are paranoid. What do these ads say about conservatives? Isn't that also paranoia? It's a rhetorical question. You don't have to actually answer it. Feel free though, if you like. Here's the site, if you want to check it out.

Okay, now that I'm done with that rant, I have another. If you didn't already know, I'm an atheist. It isn't really fair for me to say that there isn't a god, but it also isn't fair for theists to say that there is. In my mind, it is impossible to know, but deep down, I truly do not think there is a god. I guess you could say I'm agnostic, or a mix between the two. In any event, I've declared my major and it's atheism. Now, the purpose of this introduction is to point out the hypocrisy of people. But as I've demonstrated, I'm a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite. Just about everyone is hypocritical in some regard. I'm probably not making much sense right now, but stick with me.

In my opinion, religious people tend to be more hypocritical than atheists. Look no further than the biblical principle of judge not. You are told not to judge, but there is just one problem with that. Everyone judges. It is what humans do. We judge situations, we judge people, we judge everything. Is it so wrong to judge? I think the answer to that question, in most cases, is no. A religious person, more often than not, will disagree. But in reality, religious people are also very judgmental. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying, if you believe it is "wrong" to judge, then don't judge. If you believe it is "wrong" to have an abortion, then don't have an abortion. If you believe it is "wrong" to be gay, then don't be gay. Go ahead and let "God" sort out the sinners. You don't worry about them and just live your life as best you can.

Imagine the kind of world we'd live in if religious people just stuck to their guns. If they just stuck to their beliefs. There would be virtually no murder, stealing, or adultery. People would be more generous, there wouldn't be as many poor people, and there wouldn't be any wars going on throughout the world. Oh, and by the way, what do most wars center around? Religion. Take the current "war" on terrorism, for example.

Here is another problem I have with the Christian religion. Most Christians, and I'm not sure if this is true with other religions, believe that people are inheritantly evil. Well, let me tell you, I didn't sign up for that. I do not think that people are inhertitantly evil, not in the slightest. People are not born evil, they become evil. Generally speaking, people are modified by their environment. If you come from a loving, caring home, you will most likely become a loving caring person. There are exceptions, of course. If you come from a broken home, a home with little to no love, you will not become a loving caring person.

In addition to that, if you are told, at a very young age, that you will be greeted by 1,000 virgins in heaven if you die while committing a terrorist act, you will believe that. And it has nothing to do with people being inheritantly evil. It is basic human behavior. If you are told something over and over again as a child, you usually carrying that belief with you into adulthood. If you are molested, sexually abused, physically abused, verbally abused, etc. as a child, you usually carry that behavior with you into adulthood. In other words, you think that it is okay to do said act to someone else. And that, in my opinion, is how humans work.

In closing, I just have one final thing to say. Do not push your beliefs onto other people. You may be saying, "but that is what you're doing right now." That isn't what I'm trying to do though. I want to make this quite clear. I want you to believe whatever you want to believe. It's up to you to decide what you believe and what you don't believe. All I want you to do is consider other viewpoints. Even if you don't agree with them, consider other viewpoints. It is tough sometimes, but it makes you a better person.

Well, that's all I have to say tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.

And the Pistons...lose

What can I say. The Spurs made shoots when they needed to. The Pistons didn't. That's all it came down to. A lot of people will blame the refs. Again, the Spurs came up big in the clutch, the Pistons didn't. It's as simple as that. I'm a little disappointed, but all in all, it was a great season for the Pistons. Any season you can make it to the finals represents a great year for your franchise. It would have been nice to win it, but it just didn't happen for the Pistons tonight. I really can't say much more than that.

Again, I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Not that anyone reads this and not that anyone really cares. I have no excuses, really. I work five days a week, but have two days off. I have a lot of spare time between my two days off and the few hours I have before I go to work. There is no reason I shouldn't update at least once a week, but I just don't.

Like I said though, no one reads this, so it doesn't really matter to any of you. This blog is basically just therapy for me. It's a place to put my thoughts. It's a place for me to complain. It's a place for me to work on my comedic rountine, which, I must say, is less than spectacular. That's a nice way of saying it sucks.

Like I was saying though, this blog is really just a form of therapy for me. I usually feel good after I post, so I have no clue why I don't post more often. Even if I don't make anyone laugh with my low brow humor, and even though my life is about as exciting as a NASCAR race (see below), I still enjoy posting. With that in mind, I promise, from now on, to post at least once a week. This isn't a promise to anyone of you. It is a promise to me. I'm drawing a line in the sand right now. Not that any of you care that I'm now posting at least once a week. I'm just saying.

As if this post wasn't long enough already, I'm about to go off on one of my trademark rants. It's something I've been wanting to rant on for quite some time. This something is a little "sport" I like to call NASCAR. Well, I'm not the only one that likes to call it NASCAR. Everyone does. I like to call it, among other things, the most idiotic so-called "sport" on the face of the Earth. How anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can find this shit entertaining is beyond me. I would rather watch panit dry. I would rather watch Ophra. I would rather watch gay porn. Well...I wouldn't go that far. I can't stand Ophra.

What gets me most about NASCAR is the fact that people, including the drivers, call it a sport. Newsflash everyone. NASCAR is not a god damn sport. I cannot stress this enough. Driving a racecar does not require you to be physically fit, in shape, or anything ilke that. The only quality you need to have as a NASCAR driver is a southern accent. Throw in a jug of moonshine, and the ability to turn left, and you have yourself a NASCAR driver. It just sickens me when people refer to NASCAR as a sport. I mean, think of all the NASCAR drivers that can run a 4.2 40 yard dash! Think of all the NASCAR drivers with a 36 inch vertical leap. Think of all the NASCAR drivers with a history of sex with their sister! Now we're getting somewhere!

Now, to me, NASCAR has never appealed to me. Maybe if I hit myself over the head with a frying pan, and lowered my IQ in the process, it would appeal to me. But that would be the only scenario in which NASCAR would appeal to me. You want proof that this country is going down the crapper? Word on the street is that NASCAR is the fastest growing "sport" in America. Enough said. And why is that the case? Why does NASCAR have such mass appeal? I would love for someone to enlighten me beacuse I just don't get it.

I will admit, it takes great skill to drive at 200+ MPH. That is all well and good. But to watch a bunch of fast moving cars driving around in a big circle? Really? That is what you call entertainment? That is what gets your blood flowing? I will also admit that I'm not much of a car guy. I don't get into working on cars, or looking at cars, or anything like that. The only thing I require a car of mine to do is get me from point A to point B. Call me practical, call me a girly man, call me what you will. I just don't understand the appeal of NASCAR. Someone, please, please, please, explain it to me. I'm not sure if NASCAR fans know how to use the Internet, but I'm betting that at least one does.

Well, that's all I have for you tonight. I need to come up with a closing statement that is all my own. Until I do, I will stick with what has got me here. You stay classy, San Diego.

A quick update

I've decided to write a quick update. Nothing much to report though. I finished my classes May 14th. I've been working pretty much since then. I had my 21st birthday on May 27th. I had a party the following day. It was fun. Got a buzz going, hung out with some friends, good times. I've gotten a few requests to update, so I promise to update more in the future. That is all...for now.

Rampage

Yeah, a post two days in a row. Amazing. I think I'll continue with my theme from yesterday. Things that bother me.

You know those annoying radio stations that play the same songs just about every hour? I have to listen to that shit everyday I work with a certain someone. I'm usually pretty lenient about the radio at work, I really don't pay much attention to it. Whomever I'm working with usually has control over it because I frankly don't care more times than not. I finally snapped the other day. I told my co-work, who shall remain nameless (Danelle), that we are sharing the radio from now on. I just can't take that shit anymore, especially because it is rap music. For starters, rap artists are the most talentless musicians known to man. They don't even play instruments for crying out loud, so they aren't even musicians. And another thing. You become a rap artist and you make one hit song. After that, you make five million remixes of it and people eat it up. That takes so much fucking talent! Jesus Christ, and all you dumb asses go out and continue to buy this crap. But back to the radio stations that play the same songs every hour. That's really what you want to hear? You honestly want to hear the same shit every hour? I don't care how good a song is, it doesn't need to be played on the radio every hour. I've went on about this for long enough and I'm stopping now. I hope I got my point across.

Obnoxious names. They come in all shapes and sizes. You've got your clearly obnoxious names like Destiny, Hazel, Apple, et al. Usually, these names are given to celebrity children because their parents think they are something special and unique. Then you have your obnoxiously spelled names and your obnoxiously pronounced name. The obnoxiously pronounced names are hard to convey over the Internet, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Anyways, you have parents that spell their child's name with a y when it is normally an i, parents that add or subtract certain letters off their child's name, and then you've got the parents that want to tinker with the pronunciation of a name. The point in all of this is that, as a parent, this is a form of child abuse. You are basically setting up your child for a life of correcting people all the time. Your child will go through his or her whole life saying, "no, that isn't how you pronounce my name, this is how you pronounce my name." And also, "no, that isn't how you spell my name, this is how you spell my name." Listen up everybody. Let's just stick with the common spellings and the common pronunciations. There needs to be a Geneva convention of names. I'd love to be on that committee. Anyway, I've rambled on about this too long. You're probably ready to kill me by now, so I'm done.

I've got one more thing I want to modernize. You know how there is all this talk in religion about God's flock, and shepherding God's flock, and all that jazz. That shit needs to be modernized. I've never seen a sheep before, and I'm sure the vast majority of people reading this have never seen a sheep before. Even if you've seen a sheep, it was on a farm or something. It isn't like you own sheep. The point is that people can't relate to sheep anymore. What, you ask, will replace sheep. Well, how about, God's Lemmings? You know what I'm takling about, that addictive computer game called Lemmings. The one where you try to save all the little lemmings because they are stupid and follow each other off of cliffs and stuff. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a remake of the game for you to try. Anyways, shepherding God's Lemmings. It sounds good to me, has a nice ring to it. So, to all you Lemmings out there, the rapture is coming. Get your seat picked out, go scale a mountain or cliff, jump off a building. Do whatever you gotta do to get ready for it. My only regret is that I won't be able to enjoy it with you, seeing as how I won't be one of the chosen few. Say hello to Jesus for me though!

And I'm spent. Good night everyone.

Is everyone in this country high?

Just a forewarning, this post consists of me complaining about various things that bother me. If you don't want to hear it, stop reading right now.

Jesus Christ, I went to the mall today with my friend Andy. We went to Guess and Banana Republic, two places I never shop at, but apparently he does. Now, this isn't a knock on my good friend Andy, he's a good guy, but honestly, I could never see myself spending the kind of money people do at these stores. 80 bucks for a pair of fucking jeans? Really? No thanks, I'll stick with my 30 dollar Levi jeans, and even those are overpriced. 60 bucks for a shirt? Again, I'll pass and stick with my 18 dollar t-shirts from tshirthell.com. I just can't believe people actually spend that kind of money on clothes. I guess (get it guess...I crack mysef up) that explains why I don't have a girlfriend. Well, that and the fact that I have absolutely no self-confidence, a bad personality, and a twisted sense of humor. Enough about that though.

And another thing, to all you idiots that pay to get a tan at a tanning salon. What's up with that? For one, why don't you just go out in the Sun and get a tan for free? You might call me cheap, I call it being practical. For two, all that exposure to UV rays can give you skin cancer. So basically, you are paying for cancer. And besides, why do you need a tan anyway? Do you honestly think that it looks good? When I look at a girl, the last thing I care about is a tan. It goes face, breasts, ass, in that order. Well, maybe not in that order, but those are my top three. The point in all of this is a tan doesn't enhance your beauty. In my eyes, it doesn't add to your number. If you are a six, no amount of skin tone is going to add to your number. Please, someone explain the purpose of a tan? I suspect that it is only done because celebrities do it. In fact, I have had that tanning wasn't popular until celebrities back in the 1930s or so started doing it. Before that, a tan was looked down upon because it made you look like a fieldworker, which was a bad thing. Anyways, I'm done talking about that.

Tattoos. I can't stand them and can't understand why people get them. You're probably thinking I'm a real nerd, and that is fine, but hear me out. I like to look at the redeeming value of things. What exactly does a tattoo do for you? Does it make you cooler? Does it make you stronger? Does it make your penis bigger? If the latter was true, I would consider getting a tattoo, but it's not. Tattoos do absolutely nothing for you, except make you look trashy, in my opinion. I know I'll probably catch a look of flak for this, but that's how I feel. I'm not saying that everyone who has a tattoo is actually trashy, I'm just saying that is my first impression when I see one. This doesn't always apply if I already know you, because I already have an impression of you, but it does change my overall impression sometimes. With people I don't know though, if I see that they have a tattoo, I think less of them. That's probably not a good thing, but it is what we humans do. We judge. We can't stop judging, it is impossible. People are always saying not to judge, but everyone does it. Humans take in information, process it, and come away with their perception. Like right now, you are thinking, what a prude this guy is. You are taking in the information I am saying, processing it in your brain, matching it up with your definition of a prude, and labling me as such. That is fine, but just remember, you are judging me right now, whether you know it or not. And that's all I have to say about that.

Moving on to piercings. Another thing that has no redeeming value whatsoever. One specific type of piercing really bothers me though. I can tolerate the rest of them, but this one in particular bothers me. The piercing I am referring to is the tongue piercing. I think Chris Rock said it best when he said, "Kill Whitey." Wait a minute, that's not right. Ah, here it is: "If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue...he'll probably suck your dick." Again, this all goes back to perceptions. Whether or not these perceptions are true is irrelevant. When I see a girl with a pierced tongue, I see someone who is easy. It is probably not fair for me to think that, but that's the reality. And again, what exactly does a tongue piercing do for you? Sure, a girl sucking me off with one probably feels damn good, but last time I checked, my vacuum cleaner didn't need a tongue ring to get my off. I'm kidding of course, but I'm just saying that a blow job feels good, tongue ring or not. God damn, I really am an asshole.

Well, now that I have alienated all of my readers, made an ass of myself, and exposed myself as a prude, I think I'm going to end this post. And that's my cue to exit. Good night everyone!

Site Meter

Just a quick update for myself. I didn't like my previous counter because it added a count every time I had a page view. I put the site meter counter today. That is all.

Carry On My Wayward Son

Well, I don't think that last update was as funny as I wanted it to be. It was a little too serious for my liking. When I began writing the update, I intended it to be over the top hilarious. It didn't turn out that way, although I think it had its moments. Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead with this post, pack it in, and call it a night. I guess not.

Okay, you've all heard of the expression "don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes." It goes back to the American Revolution, and possibly before that. Picture this though. Imagine if we used the expression in World War II against the Japanese. We'd all be speaking German right now. The Japanese would have destroyed us, single-handedly, if we employed that expression during WWII. It's a good thing the expression loose lips sink ships came along. That was probably our savior. I'd like to update the expression though, to fit a more modern time. Loose lips big tits. With that in mind, I'd like to update the former expression as well. Don't shoot until you see the bites of her thighs. I'll leave it up to you to interpret those two expressions for yourself. I think that both of these expressions fit the 21st century very well. You should start dropping them during your daily conversations, maybe it'll catch on.

I had an idea for a board game the other day. It's called Staircases and Batters, with a subtitle of Spousal Abuse. Basically, it's an offshoot of Chutes and Ladders. The premise of the game is this. Instead of having child-shaped game pieces, you have mom-shaped game pieces. The object of the game is to be the first mom to divorce court, which is located at the top of the board. You start out at the bottom of the board, in the area that is called "Dad's Doghouse." You flick the spinner and you move that many spaces up. If you land on a square that says "Back Talk to Husband," you get pushed down the stairs. If you land on a square that says "Forgot to Make Dinner," you get hit with a baseball bat to the next level up. As I said, the first mom to divorce court wins. I think this game teaches children the risks of talking back and the importance of having a good meal prepared the right way. It also teaches children to take turns and count, so that is an added bonus. It is important to note that this game has small parts and is therefore a choking hazard. It is not intended for children under 3 years, which is really a shame because that age range can learn a lot from this game.

Speaking of small parts, if I was going to get a tattoo, I think that's what I'd get tattooed on my penis. "Warning: small parts (choking hazard)" or something to that effect. Yes, I know this is getting a little personal, but hey, if you can't make fun of yourself you must have a really big ego.

Okay, you've all heard, by now, about the sexual tactics used by some of Americans female interrogators. If you haven't, check out this article. If you don't feel like reading it, here is the pertinent excerpt that you should read:

"Female interrogators tried to break Muslim detainees at the U.S. prison camp at Guantánamo Bay by sexual touching, wearing a miniskirt and thong underwear and in one case smearing a Saudi man's face with fake menstrual blood, according to an insider's written account."

I would just like to say, first and foremost, those tactics would never work on me. Well, except maybe the menstrual tactic, that is a bit sick. In any event, you usually have to pay 20 dollars for that kind of action. I would love to be interrogated in that way, aside from the menstrual thing. "I'll tell you anything you want, just take off you shirt!" I'd be saying. Ah, those crazy Muslims. Further proof that every religion is whacked in some regard.

And I'm spent. I hope you enjoyed the post. And if I offened you...well let's just say there's plently more where that came from.

Complaints and Grievances

Yeah, I know I borrowed the title from George Carlin, but he is a good person to borrow things from. Over the past month, a lot of things have been bothering me about the world.

For starts, as you may or may not know, my sister got fired from her job. She worked at 7-11, with me, and she got fired about a month ago. It was around St. Patrick's day and she was fired for selling alcohol to a minor. It was a sting operation performed by the wonderful organization known as the Liquor Control Commission (LCC). Basically, our tax dollars at work. Michigan has an LCC, and I'm sure every state has one. I'm not sure how they do this internationally, but I'm almost positive that other countries aren't nearly as obsessed with preventing the so called crime of selling alcohol to a minor. Now don't get me wrong, there should be a legal drinking age here in the States, but it shouldn't be 21. 19 sounds good to me, like Canada. In any event, my sister got fired for selling alcohol to a person who was under 21. I'm not sure how old this person was, but that isn't the point. The point is that people in the age bracket of 18-21, and even younger, drink all the time. Not every 18-21 year old does, but it is a fairly common occurrence. Why then is this such a big deal?

At 18 we are considered adults, for the most part. We can get drafted, go to war, and die for our country. Why can't we crack open a beer if we feel like it? I don't drink, but I'm just saying, why is this such a hot button issue? Why do we have to have a commission that is dedicated to performing a sting operation on a 7-11 and costing someone their job? Again, don't get me wrong, my sister should have been more careful. It is, after all, the law. But my main point in all of this is that certain things in this state, and certain things in this country, don't make any sense. The drinking age needs to be lowered, at the very least, to 19. I think it would solve a lot of problems because it would take away the taboo of drinking. Some people drink like fiends until they are 21, and once they are of age, it's like all the magic is gone. I'm generalizing here, but alls I'm trying to say is that once it is no longer considered illegal, it isn't as big as a rush or whatever for some people. I'm done complaining about that though.

I ended up writing a piece of propaganda for my sister, trying to solicit funds for her, because she has to pay a very hefty fine soon. I basically wrote this as a joke, but I ended up giving it to her to show to some people at a St. Patrick's Day party that she was going to. She didn't get many donations, although a lot of people liked it. Anyways, here is the piece:

Why you should donate to Ashley’s “I Fucked up and Sold to a Minor” Fund

By Kenny Schweigel

In a perfect society, this fund would be unnecessary. The legal drinking age should really be 18. If you can be sent into war and potentially die for your country, you should be able to legally crack open a beer. I would even settle for the drinking age to be set at 19, like Canada, but that is neither here nor there. What I really want to do with this speech is try to persuade you to donate. I will give you a few reasons; I will try to appeal to you sensibilities, and hopefully, you will find it in your heart to donate to this fund.

Reason number one. I am sure everyone in this room has had an alcoholic beverage or two (or three or four…) while they were underage. You might not have tried to purchase alcohol while underage, you might have, but, the fact of the matter is, you probably didn’t get caught doing either of those two things. Ashley got caught selling alcohol to a minor. You, yourself, have probably participated in underage drinking in your youth, and you might have been one of the more ballsy few who tried to purchase alcohol as a minor. What am I trying to get at here? I’m trying to say that you owe the karma gods big time. You probably had a few alcoholic beverages in your underage days, and you might have purchased alcohol in your underage days, so you owe the karma gods in a major way. This is your chance to repay them. If you don’t believe in karma, that’s fine. Donate anyway.

Reason number two. Ashley is looking at a $500 fine here, possibly more. She barely makes 200 bucks a week, has bills to pay, and she just lost her job. Now, I know that everyone has bills to pay, and I know that everyone’s money is valuable to them. She’s not asking for much though. If she gets just one dollar from each of you, she will be grateful. If she can get one dollar from 500 people, that will be her $500 dollars right there. It is probably an unrealistic goal, but she is going to try. She sees no other way. She is feeling down right now, so please, lift up her spirits and donate to this fund.

Reason number three. It was an honest mistake. I worked with Ashley that night, and I could have been the one who made that mistake. Ashley isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, and I’d even go as far as to say that she’s the black crayon, but there is no reason why she should have to pay this fine by herself. As I said before, in a perfect society, this fund wouldn’t be necessary. Sure, she did sell to a minor and that is wrong. It was her first offence though, and she didn’t do it intentionally. She should have received a warning, at the very least. Instead, she will have to pay a $500 dollar fine (possibly more) and she has lost her job. Is this justice? When you think of justice, is this what you think of? Please, look deep into your consciousness and donate to this fund.

Well, I can’t think of any more reasons right now, so I’m done trying to persuade you. I’m sure there are many more reasons, so this isn’t definitive by any means. I would just like to thank you for taking the time to read this and Ashley thanks you, from the bottom of her heart, for donating to this fund. Before we part ways though, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Ashley wasn’t blessed with many brain cells, but, I think you’ll agree with me here, she makes up for it with her beauty and her charm. With that in mind, how can you say no to that face?

And there it is.

Moving on. Compassionate Conservatives. You hear this term all the time. Bush is a compassionate conservative. But really, if these conservatives are so compassionate, then why do they need the additional adjective in front of their ideology? If they are so compassionate, why do they need the word compassionate in front of their belief? Do liberals do that? No. Now I'm not saying that no conservatives are compassioante, nor am I saying that all liberals are comassionate. I'm just saying that those who call themselves compassionate conservatives are not at all compassionate. That would be like me calling myself Big Dick Ken. It would be like me adding that extra phrase in front of my name. In fact, I might just do that. Here is how it would go down:

Random Person: Hey Big Dick Ken, how's it going?
Me: Pretty good. Just trying to keep my big dick in my pants. And for all the ladies out there, there is a reason why I have big dick in front of my name. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

Maybe if I start calling myself that, I'll have a better chance with the ladies. Maybe not.... At any rate, you know what they say. If you say something often enough, people will start to believe it. It might work for me, it might not. It sure as hell is working for the conservatives though.

Okay, one last thing. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put words on the back of little girl's shorts. This little girl walked into 7-11 the other day and she had those shorts with a word stitched on the back. You know the ones I'm talking about. I understand the reasoning behind, pardon the pun, stitching a word on the back of women's shorts, it draws attention to the ass. But really, little girls? Do you really want people looking at a little girl's ass? Does any attention need to be drawn to that area of a little girl? This new line of clothing is just giving a pedophile an excuse to look at the ass of a little girl. And hell, I'm not even a pedophile and I was drawn to the ass. It was mildly disturbing, morally wrong, and it made me feel weird inside. So, to whoever decided it was a good idea to stitch words on the back of little girl's shorts, what the hell were you thinking?

Well, that's all I got for you tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.

Bowling Banquet

Had my bowling banquet tonight. I won about 250 bucks, which isn't too bad. I also wrote a poem for the occassion. No one will get it, but I'm going to post it any way. Just a little background though. Our bowling team consists of Matt, Donnie, Paul, me (Kenny) and Kirby. Kirby is a middle-aged man, we are all 20 somethings. So it pretty much goes without saying that Kirby is the team drunk. He isn't really a drunk, but compared to the rest of us he is. Let's just say he enjoys a few beers here and there. This poem is a modification of the story of Goldie Locks and the Three Bears. The title is Kirby Locks and the Three Beers. Notice the two different spellings. Bears and Beers. Here is the poem:

Kirby Locks and the Three Beers
Also Known As the Epic of Kirby
Also Known as the Little Kirby that Could

Once upon a time, there was a drunkard named Kirby
As you might have guessed, he drank till he was topsy-turvy
On one fine day, he wandered through the woods
He came upon a brewery, and said, this is good
I’ll go in, he said
And pump the place full of lead
I’ll kill them all, he exclaimed
And then I’ll drink until it rains

But as he approached the door
He fell flat on his face to the floor
Kirby, as you can plainly see, was already drunk as could be
And although he didn’t flee, I think he might have broke a knee
No matter to Kirby though
He got up using both elbows
He stood up and reordered himself
And then he laughed like a little elf

After that, he tried to walk into the place
But he forget to turn the knob and hit his face
He laughed again, you know the laugh
He must have split his gut in half
He kicked the door with all his might
And there was a sound like dynamite
No bother though, it was only gas
It was coming out of Kirby’s ass

Kirby finally entered the complex
Looking like a drunken T-Rex
Kirby went strolling through the halls
Proudly playing with both his balls
However, Kirby found no one inside
He wondered where they were, did they hide
He was elated though, he took a pill
Now he didn’t have to kill

Kirby searched and searched for alcohol
Playing now with just one ball
He finally found some in the back
And then he did a line of crack
How he did that, I do not know
He moved around to-and-fro (like a giant Eskimo)
He took a sip of the first beer, too sweet
It also smelled just like his feet

Kirby shouted, is this all you’ve got
He grew tired and fell asleep on a cot
On his own vomit, he didn’t choke
What a miracle, he awoke
He gathered enough courage to go looking for more
But then he met a dreadful disgusting dirty whore
He had his way with her and he asked her not to stray
She said, no way, you’re a terrible lay, have a nice day

Heartbroken, Kirby ran far far away
But in the brewery he did stay
He looked and looked for some beer
He pranced around like a giant queer
He finally found more, he cracked it open
From the bong, he was tokin’
He took a swig of the second beer, too sour
He must have cried for about an hour

Woe is me, woe is me, he lamented
He looked at his penis, he had bent it
That dirty whore, he then said
He looked around for a great big bed
He found one and went to lie down
But under the covers, there was a mound
Another whore, he jumped for joy
He got in to play with his new toy

Poor old Kirby, the same reaction
Although, he did get some action
The whore got up and ran away
Much to halfhearted Kirby’s dismay
Kirby had to press on though, he came too far
He didn’t want to spend the night at a bar
He continued his quest with no luck
He was just about to say oh fuck…

He finally found the third beer and drank it, just right
Not like those two-bit whores, they weren’t tight
After the case of beer was through
Kirby decided to sniff some glue
After that, he had himself some fun
He found another whore with sticky buns
He took her to a hammock, what a blunder
And gave her his three inches of thunder

And so they lived happily ever after
Oh what joy, oh what rapture
The two of them, they had four kids
And it’s really a shame that they did
One is named Paul, one is named Matt
Both of them are clueless ass hats
The other two, as you can clearly see
Have the names of Kenny and Donnie

And that’s the epic of a man named Kirby
He’ll be on the next episode of Maury
Discussing all the venereal disease he got
On the hammock, on the bed, on the cot
And as for his kids, if you can’t tell
All four of them are doing well
Except for Paul, he’s quite dumb
That retarded asshole cut off his thumb

And that's it. I also forget to mention that I wrote this poem to inspire our team to change its name to Kirby's Kids. We are currently Kirby's Heroes, because we all wear Superhero shirts. Those bastards didn't want to change the name, so I pretty much wrote the poem for nothing. Anyways the hilarity of the poem is probably lost on all of you because you don't know Kirby. If you did know him, you'd be laughing you ass off right about now. That's the reaction I got out of everyone who read it and knows him. Well, that's all I got tonight. You stay classy, San Diego.

When The Levee Breaks

Yeah, I'm back. I decided to update tonight. Partly because I'm bored, and partly because I haven't updated in quite some time. Nothing new to report. I have been thinking a lot about this blog lately. I don't really post much, and my life isn't that interesting, so I am thinking about turning it into one of two things. I am either going to turn it into a parking lot, because there is no parking on my street, or I am going to turn it into a comedy blog. I'm sure the former would be more productive, seeing as how I'm probably not that funny, but I have been feeling the comedy itch lately. Usually when I have an itch, I put some anti-itch cream on, but this time that didn't work.

I am currently in a discussion with my buddy Rich about the merits of going to a titty bar. I think that it degrads woman. However, I have no problem watching pornography, which is equally degrading to woman. As you can tell, I'm in a bit of a quagmire here. And I'm not talking about Quagmire from Family Guy, although he is great and that is a fantastic show. Speaking of Family Guy, new episodes on May 1st. May is going to be a great month. New Family Guy episodes, the conclusion to the Star Wars trilogy, and my 21st birthday. I also get out of school. May is looking up, but I still gotta make it through April. You know what they say though, golden showers, she's deflowered.

Well, that is a nice segue into my next topic. I listen to Loveline, as you may or may not know. It's a nationally syndicated radio program and it is great. Adam Carolla stated on a previous show that a lot of sayings that we use today need to be updated to fit the 21st century. For example, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Kids aren't dropping this saying, and sayings like it, anymore. Instead of that saying though, he came up with, pull yourself up by your thong back. I am now on a quest to come up with a few more of my own. Look for that in the future.

And now for something completely different. I remember, from my philosphy class last semester, that Descartes came up with a proof for the existence of God. I have come up with something similiar.

Ken's Proof for the Existence of a Black God
1. God made man in his form
2. Man has a penis
3. God is not the lesser to man in any aspect

If these three principles hold true, and if there is a God, God must have an enormous penis. Since white men typically have small penises (I really think peni should be the plural of penis, but I could have used penes), the only logical conclusion one can make is that God is black.

While, I have committed enough heresies for one night. Good night, and I'll see you all in hell!

I'm sorry...I tried

Well, I tried to update tonight, twice. I just wasn't feeling it. My first update wasn't vey good, so I scrapped it. My second update was equally as bad, so I decided to forget about updating all together. I don't even know why I'm updating you on this situation of not updating, but I figured it is better than no update at all.

To sum up what I wrote in my first update:

Went to the Detroit Science Center with my buddy Rich. Had a good time. We went out to eat at Red Robins afterwards. It was decent. I bowled today. Wasn't a very good night. I'm feeling depressed, which is probably not good. I should really go see that therapist. The End.

My second update consisted of me endlessly rambling about nothing. I'll leave it at that. You stay classy, San Diego.