Nonsense

Okay, so I should really be doing some homework about now, but instead, I'm going to update my blog.

So far, my classes are decent, I guess. I mean, I thought I was going to get into them a lot more than I am right now, but maybe it will take me a few weeks to get back into school. As usual, I am slacking off again, hoping it doesn't bite me in the ass this time. Like I said, it usually doesn't. I always do fine, but this year it just looks like it might be a different story. I mean, I am not motivated to do anything at all, maybe there is something wrong with me? I don't know, but I'll keep you updated (as if you care).

In other news, Team USA just lost to Canada, 2-1. For those of you who don't know (which I'm sure is all of America), I'm talking hockey here. It was a good game, and it should be a good World Cup (with Canada most likely winning). I really hope Team USA wins, but tonight they looked rather old (they are the oldest team in the tournament). The NHL should really pay attention to how hockey is played during the World Cup because that is how it should be played. What do I mean by that? I mean that the officials actually call interfence (imagine that), and with the larger ice surface, it gives more room for the skilled players. I'm not saying the NHL should expand the ice surface, but it is rather refreshing to see the skilled players at work. In the NHL today, the neutral zone trap is really bogging the game down, and it would be nice to see more end-to-end action in an NHL hockey game. Oh well, even if they NHL does nothing to the game, I'll still watch it (assuming there is a season next year). Hockey really is an amazing game, and if you don't like it you're a communist (there, I said it), plain and simple....

Okay, so my bowling league starts back up on September 13th. I went to the meeting yesterday and we talked about the bylaws and such. If you didn't know, the team consists of my friends Matt, Paul, Donnie, and the team drunkard, a guy named Kirby (he is also a friend). Kirby is an older guy, I think in his mid-40's. We needed a fifth person, and Donnie's dad worked with a guy that wanted to bowl, so we let him on the team. What a mistake that was.... Just kidding, Kirby has turned out great, he is the heart and soul of the team. Last year, we essentially started during the second half, so we didn't get to bowl the entire season. We ended up in 4th place (out of 12) for the second half and last place overall because we didn't bowl the first half. I'm hoping that this year will be a different story. It is a handicapped league, so anyone can win, but I really like our chances. I mean, for one, only one person (possibly two) drinks on our team, so we have the advantage there. In addition to that, we have a nice mix of averages. I have a 170 average, Matt has an average around 140, Paul also has an average around 140, Kirby has an average around 190, and Donnie also has an average around 190.

Well, I guess that is all I have to say tonight. Have a good night everyone.

First Day of Class (Wednesday) and Other Things on my Mind

Well, I wanted to post about this yesterday, but I didn't have enough time. So, I am going to post about it today.

I had my first day of fall classes on Wednesday. I had political science in the moring (from 10:00-11:40) and then philosophy in the afternoon (from 12:30-1:55). I am very excited about both classes, but I think I might have some trouble in the philosophy class. I have to write four papers for that class, so I am definitely not looking forward to that. Oh well, the class should be good times. The professor was very nice, and she had a very interesting life story. My political science class should also be good times. The professor seemed a little liberal, but she assured the class that she was fairly straight down the middle. Either way, I can't wait for the class discussions to begin. I also had my bowling class today, which should be fun.

With the start of the semester, I find myself falling back to my old habits. I keep telling myself that I need to stop, but to no avail. My old habits mostly consist of me procrastinating, but it is not just limited to that. I also waste time by looking for other sources on the Internet (which means I don't spend enough time on the important material). Oh well, these habits haven't negatively effected my grades yet, so I guess I can live with them for now.

Well, once again, I have run out of time. I am now off to work for the day, and then tomorrow, I have to work in the morning. End of transmission.

Politics

I'm going to start off with an interesting website I heard about on a local political radio show. For those of you who don't listen, his name is Peter Werbe and you can check him out here. Also, if you're in the Metro Detroit area, you can listen to him, on Sunday, from 11 p.m. until 1 a.m. (eastern standard time). If you are not local, I've got some good news for you. If you're interested in the show, you can listen to the streaming broadcast here at the aforementioned date and at the aforementioned time.

Okay, on with the interesting website. This particular website (which can be reached by clicking on the title of this post or by clicking here) is "a bi-partisan website that allows you to cast votes on core election issues." In other words, you pick an issue at random, then select the platform you agree with most, then continue on with that process until you have picked all the issues. I have decided to take this voting survey (I guess you would call it that) and then share my results with you. Okay, so here goes:

Issue One: Drugs
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Two: Gay Rights
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Three: Abortion
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Four: Education
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Five: Crime
Agree With: Bush

Issue Six: Technology
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Seven: Why Running for Office
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Eight: Key Issues
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Nine: Rumsfeld
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Ten: Gas Supply
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Eleven: Death Penalty
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twelve: Affirmative Action
Agree With: Bush

Issue Thirteen: Civil Rights
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Fourteen: Foreign Policy
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Fifteen: Jobs
Agree With: Bush

Issue Sixteen: Iraq
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Seventeen: Environment
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Eighteen: Economy
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Nineteen: Homeland Security
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twenty: Social Security
Agree With: Bush

Issue Twenty-One: Women's Issues
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twenty-Two: Healthcare
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twenty-Three: Service Record
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twenty-Four: Taxes
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twenty-Five: Gun Control
Agree With: Bush

Issue Twenty-Six: Global Trade
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twenty-Seven: Immigration
Agree With: Bush

Issue Twenty-Eight: Families
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Twenty-Nine: Campaign
Agree With: Kerry

Issue Thirty: National Defense
Agree With: Bush

Issue Thirty-One: Welfare and Poverty
Agree With: Kerry

My Voting Record:
G.W. Bush: 7
J.F. Kerry: 24

Well, let me just say one thing about that voting survey. If you were just a little informed (I consider myself to be middle ground when it comes to the informed department) you would have known which canditate was which after reading each platform. So, that could have lead you to pick your favorite canditate, instead of being honest about it and picking the platform you most agree with. I don't think I did that myself, but maybe subconsciously I did. Anyways, I figured I'd agree with Kerry on a 2:1 ratio, but it looks like that is more like a 3:1 ratio.

I had more to talk about tonight, but it looks like my time has run out. I have class tomorrow at 10 in the morning, so I better get to bed. Good night everyone, and please take that voting survey and post your results as a comment to this post.

Top Ten

In the spirit of the Olympic games, I present to you, Ken's Top Ten Sexlympic Events. Okay, so let me explain the format. First, I'll give you the event, then I'll give you my best one-liner, and then some additional commentary.

Here goes:

Ken's Top Ten Sexlympic Events

Number 10

Women's Breaststroke

These women must have tested very high on the stroke-ability scale...there is no other way they could do the breaststroke for 200 meters. (oh, and that's about 656 feet, for all you metrically challenged people out there)

Let me just say one thing about the metric system. The United States really missed the boat by not adopting it. Instead of having an easy to use system, which is common place throughout the world, we are now stuck with the shitty standard system, possibly forever. I mean, really, the metric system is far superior to the traditional system, but the United States will probably never fully adopt the metric system. I can't wait until 2020, I swear to Allah, I'm running for president and there will be many (and I stress the word many) changes in this country. Yeah, I know, that is what they all say, but I really mean it.


Number 9

Trampoline

And now...girls jumping on trampolines!

Do you like The Man Show? I sure did, with emphasis on the word did. Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope do a decent job, but no one can top Adam and Jimmy. Comedy Central should change the name of the show or something, because it is clearly not as good as it once was. That is to be expected though because Adam and Jimmy made the show extremely entertaining. I mean, it is sort of like when a band gets a new lead singer, the band mine as well change its name, because nine times out of ten, it sounds like a completely different band. What I am getting at is this, they need to change the name of the show to something else because the show will never live up to the high standards of its name. Cancling the show is another possibility...I know I don't enjoy it as much as I did with Adam and Jimmy as the hosts, and I'm sure a lot of fans feel the same way I do.

Number 8

Snatch (weight lifting)

I wouldn't want to touch the snatch of the women participants with a 3.04800 meter pole. (a little metric humor for you there)

Have you seen any of the women in the weight lifting events? If not, I suggest you check them out. Let me forewarn you though, it isn't very pretty...it is definitely bad bad bad (I can't stress the word bad enough) times. Some of them have airpit hair, so it suffice to say that there isn't a looker in the bunch. To put it bluntly, these women look like Oompa Loompa's on steroids. It should come as no surprise to see the absence of American women. I certainly haven't seen any, and I highly doubt that an American woman could make the cut. I mean, I'm not saying American women are weak or anything, I just don't think any American woman would want to look like these women do. Basically, I'm just saying it is a cultural difference, or something of that nature.

Number 7

Women's Gymnastics

Yeah baby, put your legs behind your head and hold it for five minutes, you know it's my favorite position....

Okay, here we are, moving from one extreme to the next. On one hand, you have the women's weight lifters, who basically look like men dressed in drag. On the other hand, you have the women's gymnastics teams, who basically look like fuckable human-pretzels. Yeah, I know, some of them are underage, but I'd be willing to wait for some of them. I would go as far as to say that we could do all the positions of the kama sutra in one night, but I can't go all night. Well, let me take that back, I can go all night, I just choose not to....

Number 6

Boxing

I could go for some punching of the clown, how about you?

For those of you who don't know, punching the clown is a masturbatory term, akin to flogging the dolphin and beating the proverbial meat. Try it sometime, I guarantee you'll gain great satisfaction from getting in the the ring with a clown. A little advice though, it is hard to whack off with boxing gloves on (believe me, I've tried it), so be sure to take them off....

Number 5

Handball

I was just checking for cancer...I swear! (I know, this is turning into a bunch of bad masturbation jokes, but I'm trying here, so give me a break)

Ah, the old, I was just checking for cancer, trick. It is an oldie but a goodie. I also like the, I had a runny nose, routine. You pull that one out of your bag of tricks when someone asks you why you have an excessive amount of kleenex in your trash basket. No one can call you out on it, and it works every time. I'd like to call myself the Guru of Jack, even though I probably don't deserve the title, but I'm claiming it anyways. Don't like it? Tough cookies, pal!

Number 4

Shooting (thanks to Rich for mentioning the event)

I'm probably not as accurate as some of the other skeet shooters, but at least I'm good for distance.

If you didn't already know, skeet is a euphemism for semen. Don't believe me? If you have any doubts, check out this link. I don't just make this stuff up people. I mean, if the word is on urbandictionary.com, it must be true! Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Anyways, just so you know, my penis is good for distance. My semen was the first semen in space, I have the plaque from NASA and everything. Good news for all you ladies out there, my accuracy is horrible, so that means I won't get any in your eye.

Number 3

Women's Wrestling

I could be wrong, but there's always room for jello, right?

Okay, with the inception of the bikini-clad cheerleaders at volleyball matches this year, you would think they'd have women's jello wrestling by now? Hell, I'd settle for mud wrestling, but I digress. Seriously though, who thought it was a good idea to have women's wrestling (without jello or mud, no less) at the Olympics? It is a new event this year, but I highly doubt it goes over too well. To jazz it up, I would hope for jello, but like I said, mud would work just as well. I don't care how many letters we have to write to the Olympic Committee, we need to unite on this one!

Number 2

Diving

Nowadays even the girls enjoy (muff) diving! (thanks to Rich for his contributions on the one-liner)

Not much I can say about that one. If you don't get it, check out urbandictionary.com. Did I mention that this blog is brought to you by urbandictionary.com? Go there for all your urban dictionary needs, or something. Really though, urbandictionary.com is, quite possibly, the best site on the web (next to this site, of course). If you have never been there before, I highly recommend checking it out. Oh, but before you check out urbandictionary.com, be sure to stick around for the grand finale of my top ten.

Number 1

Clean and Jerk (weight lifting)

Sounds like something I do in the shower....

Okay, that is three, count them, three masturbation jokes. In other words, that is roughly a third of my top ten. Hey, what can I say, I stick with what I know. Seriously though, could anyone explain the history behind the name of this event? I just find it to be a strange name for a weight lifthing event, but I don't know much about weight lifthing. In other words, I'm weak, and I'm sure all of the women Olympians of this event could kick my ass. That isn't saying a lot though, I'm sure they could kick just about anyone's ass they wanted to.

Well, that is all for my top ten. I really hope you enjoyed it because I put a lot of time and effort into it this time. I am thinking about starting a new segment on my blog, so more details on that at a later date. Oh, and just a little note for myself, I put a counter at the end of my blog, on this date, at around 6:00 p.m. eastern standard time. End of transmission.

Just Amazing

Wow! Two updates within a few hours? What is the world coming to? I have never updated my blog so soon, but this could not wait for another day. Okay, so just a few minutes ago, while browsing through usatoday.com, I came acrossed something rather "interesting." You see, the reason I put interesting in quotes isn't obvious now, but it will be in a few short moments. Click here to see what I'm talking about.

Okay, so if you still haven't figured out what I am talking about, take a very close look at that "graph" (and I use the term graph loosely). Let me point out the headline: "65% of fireworks injuries occur around July 4th." Oh boy, wow! I mean, who would have thought that 65% of fireworks injuries occur around the fucking fourth of July. I mean, the fourth of July isn't known for its firework displays or anything, so that is just amazing. I never knew that it was common practice to light fireworks during the fourth of July, so it is really surprising that injuries, caused by fireworks no less, happen so frequently during that time. Jeez, I was wondering what all those loud noises and bright flashes in the sky were about, I just thought I was having flashbacks to my Vietnam days (I am 20, by the way). To quote Forest Gump, "We was always taking long walks, and we was always looking for a guy named 'Charlie.'"

If you haven't picked up my sarcasm yet, you should get your sarcasm sensor checked because I am laying it on pretty thick. I mean, really, that is the best USA Today could do for that days snapshot? Just for your reference, that snapshot appeared on the July 29th edition of USA Today. You know what, I need to get my people on this one. I don't care how many letters I have to write, USA Today does not deserve the title of "The Nation's Newspaper." I am kidding, by the way, I usually enjoy USA Today, but that little snapshot got me going. It must have seemed like a good idea at the time, but all it did was state the obvious. It is okay to state the obvious sometimes, but to actually waste space on the front page of a newspaper...well, that is inexcusable. I mean, they couldn't have posted a picture of a missing kid instead? Or possibly a used car ad? Anything would have been better than that piece of work....

Oh, and this entry would not be complete without another quote from Forest Gump: "...and that's all I gotta say about that." Thank you and good night.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

Yeah, I've heard your complaints. "Ken, why don't you update more often?" Well, that depends, do you want the short answer or the long answer. The short answer is that my life is too boring, so I never have anything interesting to post about. Sure, I could come on my blog and do my best to make up some interesting story, and believe me, I have tried in the past, but it usually ends up turning into a disaster (which will also be the fate of this post, as well). Oh, so you say you want the long answer? Well, since I'm white, I don't have too much experience dealing with long things, so I'll quit while I'm ahead, or behind, whichever is funnier.

In reality, the long answer is about the same length as the short answer. To put it bluntly, I am just too damn lazy. It isn't like I'm slow at typing or anything like that, I am a fast typer, and I suspect that has something to do with my problem. You see, I pretty much spend most of my days on the Internet, except when I'm working, sleeping, or masturbating (even then, I'm on the Internet sometimes). That is all that I need to survive, and I like it that way. I am beginning to think I'm a vampire though, because I rarely go out in the daylight. Don't get the wrong idea here, I have friends, I just never get around to hanging out with them. I am perfectly content with spending hours on the computer, but I do enjoy going out occasionally. You might be saying to yourself, "self, if Ken is on the Internet all the damn time, then why doesn't he update more often?" That is a good question, and I'll have to get back to you on that one....

So enough about that, how about a real update? I have been working 40 hours a week for basically the whole summer, and I am actually enjoying it. Yes, I still hate my job, but it beats the alternative, which is unemployment. That is my new motto in life, and I think everyone should adopt that motto. Whenever I think of something, I think of the alternative to determine which is better (or which is worse). Sure, everybody hates people that are constantly happy, but hell, it sure beats people that are always in a bad mood. Who would you rather deal with, a person that is actually stupid, but thinks that they know it all, or a smart person who thinks that they are dumb. I'd go with the latter on that one, but that is just my opinion because I hate dealing with stupid know-it-alls.

Okay, I have a question for anyone that has a dog. In the middle of the night, have you ever accidently stepped on or tripped over your dog? I find myself doing it at least once a week, some weeks more. I always find it rather amusing, at least from my perspective. I mean, the dog has no fucking clue what you're doing. You always get that unknowing look and it must be thinking, "what the fuck is this asshole hitting me for!?" It probably thinks we are doing it on purpose, but in all actuality, we can't see for shit during the night, so we have no idea where they are. Don't get me wrong, I usually remember to step carefully during the night, but some nights I'm just not paying attention, so I sometimes end up stumbling over a dog. Oh well, God damn dogs. I mean, both my dogs have pillows and we place them out of the walkway, so if they were on the pillows, this wouldn't keep happening. I still feel bad though, I just wish they would realize that I'm not doing it on purpose.

Alright, I would like to take the time to voice a complaint. I would just like to give a big fuck you to all you assholes over at Adult Swim (which is on Cartoon Network). You bastards got rid of Aqua Teen Hunger Force! To anyone who has never seen the show, shame on you! It was truly a great show, and it will be missed immensely. I am saddened by the loss, but then I remembered that Adult Swim is the reason that Fox brought back Family Guy, which has new episodes coming out next year. Mad props to Adult Swim for that. Adult Swim also showed that, if given the chance, Futurama can be a successful show. Futurama is another one of those shows (along with Family Guy), that got cancled before its time. I hope that Fox realizes that and also brings back Futurama. If you like Futurama, you can check out this interview with Billy West.

Well, that is enough for now. I had more, but I figured I should save it for my next post (and who knows when that will be). Thank you for visiting my blog, and good night!