Lady Gaga broke my heart...

'cause I couldn't dance. She didn't even want me around. And now I'm back, to let her know, I can really shake 'em down. Oh, and I would also like to let her know that she broke my computer and I'm sending her the repair bill. How did she break my computer, you ask? Please read on to find out.

Without getting too technical here, my computer is currently out of commission. I'm not 100% sure what's wrong with it at this point, but I think I've narrowed it down to two things. Either a) the video card is fried, or b) Lady Gaga broke my computer. The more logical answer is, of course, the video card is toast. However, when the only thing you've been doing differently on the computer is listening to Lady Gaga ad nauseam the past few days, you start to question your judgment (and possibly your sanity).

So, to Lady Gaga, I would just like to say this. I don't know what I did to deserve your wrath. I figured that the restraining order you issued was punishment enough for me. I wanted your love, but I didn't realize your revenge would be breaking my computer. And I know we've had our differences in the past. You like to play poker, I like to play euchre. You want one's ugly and disease, whereas I prefer a beautiful disease-free experience. I enjoy it when you're bluffin' with your muffin, but not so much when you're stunnin' with your love-glue-gunning. I'm still your biggest fan, despite of all that, and I'll follow you until you love me. Pa-pa...well, you know how the rest goes.

I guess...what I'm trying to say is...I'm sorry. I don't know how I'm going to make it up to you, but I think I have an idea. I'm going to dedicate a song to you, Lady Gaga. So, without further ado, here is my version of Lola by the Kinks:

I met her in a club down in old Soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola
C-O-L-A cola

She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, "Gaga"
G-A-G-A Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight, she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
Why she walked like a woman, but talked like a man
Oh my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candle light
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said "Dear boy, won't you come home with me?"

Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy
But when I looked in her eyes
Well, I almost fell for my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Gaga ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

I pushed her away
I walked to the door
I fell to the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me

Well, that's the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
Except for Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga

Well, I left home just a week before
And I never ever kissed a woman before
But Gaga smiled and took me by the hand
And said "Dear boy, I'm gonna make you a man"

Well I'm not the world's most masculine man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
And so is Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga
Gaga ga ga ga ga Gaga
Ga ga ga ga Gaga...

If I was a lyrical genius of parody, like Weird Al, I could do more than just change the "lo" to "ga" and Lola to Gaga. Sadly, I'm not. Maybe I'll try another day, but that's all I have time for right now. Thank you and good night!

Cuckoo for Gaga Puffs

Is it weird that I think the song Bad Romance, by Lady Gaga, is about me? I mean, it's not even really me who thinks that. It's a friend of mine, actually. Yes, a friend of mine...he thinks that the song Bad Romance is about him. He has had it playing, on a permanent loop no less, for the past week. So, is it odd that my friend is currently infatuated with Lady Gaga? Why does this matter, you ask? Well, if you aren't hip to what the kids are saying these days, you might not know why. Please read on to find out.

The word on the street is that Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite. I have no idea if this is true or not, it is just a rumor after all. If it is true though, my friend has a perplexing conundrum on his hands. What should he do about his desires? Should he confess his undying love for Lady Gaga, or should he just keep it to himself? He doesn't even really know what a bad romance with Lady Gaga entails anyway. I mean, how would it work? She's a hermaphrodite...would she like, have to tuck it, or something? And being a hermaphrodite and all, what does she prefer? Without getting too graphic here, does she prefer muffins or sausage for breakfast, if you know what I'm saying? How about for lunch, a tuna or salami sandwich, if you catch my drift? Or for dinner, does she like a particular variety of cock or maybe some clams, if you see my meaning? How about dessert...okay, I'll stop there. The crème brûlée would probably leave a bad taste in her mouth anyway.

My friend is looking for any and all advice you may have for him. This is a question of a 21st century man living in gender confused times. It is a question that is very near and dear to my friend's heart and mind (and maybe some other body part that I'm not at liberty to mention). It is a question you might be asking yourself right now, if you're a fan of Lady Gaga (and maybe even if you're not). It is not only a question one must ask oneself, it is also a question that your kids, and your kids' kids, will face someday. What should you do when you have a mild attraction to a hermaphrodite? God, please give me the strength to know the answer. I mean, please give my friend the strength to know the answer. Yes, that's right....

On a semi-related note, the YouTube video of the aforementioned Lady Gaga song has recently passed the Charlie bit my finger video. As of this writing, both videos have nearly 180 million views on YouTube. I'm ashamed to admit that I have contributed, many many times, to the number of views on both videos. Hell, who am I kidding? I'm not ashamed to admit it, not in the slightest. And when Charlie's balls finally drop, he shouldn't be ashamed to admit the things he enjoys either. Because, damn it, the things you enjoy are part of who you are. And even if those things involve a suspected hermaphrodite, or even biting fingers for that matter, you can't help what you enjoy. So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!!!

Update: It has recently come to my attention that Lady Gaga is currently celibate. No word yet on my friend's reaction, but I'm sure he's probably crestfallen. In before the, "it's easy to be celibate when you're a hermaphrodite," jokes.

How Gaming Can Make a Better World

I'll be the first one to admit that I play online games, specifically World of Warcraft (WoW), too much. However, I am far from alone. So far, gamers have spent 5.93 million years, collectively, playing WoW (remember, WoW has about 12 million players). And this isn't something unique to WoW players either. Currently, about 500 million people spend 3 billion hours a week playing online games. Sounds like a lot of wasted time on games, right? I would tend to agree, but what if we could somehow tap into this for the greater good of the world?

Enter Jane McGonigal, a game designer from the Institute for the Future. Jane has, what some would consider, a crazy idea. Her goal is to make it as easy to save the world in real life as it is to save the world in online games. And to fulfill that goal, her plan is to make the real world more like an online game (this isn't like the movie Tron or anything like that, so don't get the wrong idea). In order to do this though, gamers have to overcome their lack of self confidence in the real world. According to Jane, gamers feel that they are not as good in reality as they are in games (which is something I can totally relate to).

Here is a small excerpt from this video:

And when we're in game worlds I believe that many of us become the best version of ourselves, the most likely to help at a moment's notice, the most likely to stick with a problem as long at it takes, to get up after failure and try again. And in real life, when we face failure, when we confront obstacles, we often don't feel that way. We feel overcome. We feel overwhelmed. We feel anxious, maybe depressed, frustrated or cynical. We never have those feelings when we're playing games, they just don't exist in games.

So, you see, Jane wants gamers to feel like they can do anything in the real world, just like how they feel like they can do anything in virtual worlds. The reason we gamers spend so much time in virtual worlds, though, is because of all the constant positive feedback we receive. We are always on the verge of an "Epic Win." If you're not familiar with the term, it's that feeling you get when you've solved a difficult problem or task and accomplished your goals. Different gamers have different definitions of what they consider an "Epic Win," but in an online game like World of Warcraft, it usually involves other people. So, in an online environment like WoW, you can go online anytime and be given a task or problem to solve. Then, you find like-minded people to work with until that problem is solved. It might take you a while to solve that problem, but when you finally do, you get the positive feeling of an "Epic Win." And then, the very next day, you can go online and do the same thing! The real world doesn't have a system like that, where you can go anytime to work with people on a problem, and that is something Jane McGonigal hopes to remedy.

I could go on, but Jane is a lot better at explaining this than I ever could be. These are her ideas, after all. My understanding is very limited, but I am inspired by it all the same. I hope to one day make the world a better place, I just need to develop the self confidence and gain a direction. And it's reassuring to know that people, like Jane McGonigal, are working on ways that appeal to my generation to make the world a better place.

Jane McGonigal has many other fascinating points and observations, so please watch this video if you haven't already.

F-F-F-Foolin'

I'm one of those people who can't stand April Fools' Day. I don't know, maybe I'm just the Grinch who stole April Fools'-mas or something. I just cannot stand it. I have no idea if I'm in the majority or minority on this, I really don't care. I hate this day with a passion.

Does anyone really, past a certain age, fall for anything? I mean, sure, when I was younger, I probably fell for things. I can't remember anything offhand, but I'm sure there was something. As you get older though, and you've been through a few April Fools' Days, don't you just become wary of any statement made on April the 1st? Don't you just become immune to it all? I know I am now, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that regard. Some people obviously fall for things on April Fools' Day, or else people wouldn't even attempt to fool them.

So, why do people do it? Why do people try to fool other people? I just have never understood it. What satisfaction do you get out of it? Is it just a fun game that you play to see if you can pull the wool over people's eyes and trick them? I don't know, I just don't see the fun in it because I figure people should know better. It seems like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't consider it an impressive feat to fool people on a day that they should expect it. Maybe I'm giving people too much credit? Are there really people out there that fall for things, on a consistent basis, year after year? Is anybody out there? Anybody there? Does anybody wonder? Anybody care?

I tend to be skeptical by nature, and I'm even more skeptical than normal on April 1st. I don't trust anything I hear from anyone on this day. From the moment the clock strikes midnight on April the 1st, to the moment it strikes midnight on April the 2nd, anything that anyone says is suspect. Any announcement that is made, no matter how major it seems, is questioned. No person, no matter how close they are to me, is to be trusted. I wouldn't even believe my own mother if she called me up and told me she had cancer. No one, under any circumstances, is to be trusted on this day. Absolutely nobody.

Thankfully, as I'm putting the finishing touches on this post, it's no longer April 1st. I won't have to deal with this god awful day for another year. And that's the best part of April Fools' Day, when it's finally over. So until next time...fuck you, San Diego and April Fools' Day.