I'm sorry to report that this feature of my blog doesn't have a snazzy acronym to go along with it. SIDG, for Stuff I Don't Get, just doesn't roll off the tongue like TICS (Things I Can't Stand). It'll have to do for now though (unless you can think of something better?). If you can come up with a better name for this segment, please be sure to let me know in the comments. In the meantime, I'm going to push forward with this shitty acronym of a name and talk about the weight loss program called Weight Watchers.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against any system that helps a person lose weight (unless it does so in an unhealthy way). As you may or may not know, I was once fat for a brief period of about three years. In fact, it was a little over a year ago that I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps (even though I don't own any boots, or straps, or boots with straps) and started to lose some weight. I've discussed this in multiple posts and only mention it to provide a frame of reference (so you don't think I'm a complete asshole) for those of you who have never read this blog before (look at me, I'm talking like I actually have people who do read this shit!). Okay, now that that's out of the way, on to the Stuff I Don't Get, or SIDG (work with me here, people), about Weight Watchers.
I have a few family members who follow the Weight Watchers Points Plus Program (say those five words five times fast). If you're not familiar with the program, let me briefly explain how it works from what I understand. There's this magical formula that you use to determine how many points a certain food is worth. You take the amount (in grams) of protein, carbohydrates, fat and fiber in a particular item, plug those values into the formula, and then it tells you the number of points the food is worth. If math isn't one of your strong suits, there's a calculator that you can use to give you the answer more quickly and easily. In my opinion, however, they should eliminate that calculator. I mean, think about it. If most people had to compute the worth of a given food by hand every single time they decided to eat something, don't you think that they would think twice about eating said food? Math is hard, am I right? That idea is free, Weight Watchers. The remainder (you'll understand that joke later...maybe) of my ideas are going to cost you though.
The amount of points you have to spend in a day varies by how much you currently weigh, your weight lose goal and probably the phase of the moon for all I know. You also have 49 flex points to spend throughout the week (because Weight Watchers knows that people love to snack). You can spend your allotment of weekly points and flex points in any way that you see fit. If you feel like saving your points for the weekend in order to binge drink them away into oblivion, you can do that. If you feel like allocating your points evenly throughout the week, you can do that too. If you feel like being sensible with your points one day, and then the next day eating like Kirstie Alley on a Fat Tuesday (does that joke even work anymore?), you can do that as well.
The point I'm trying to get at, if you let me get to the point, is that the Weight Watchers point system provides a basic weekly guideline to point you in the right direction so that little kids no longer point and laugh at you while you're shopping at the grocery store. Did that analogy help get my point across? And did I mention point? Point! Anyway, you know how poignantly cruel kids can be. They don't just point and laugh, oh no. They also announce to all within earshot that you will forever haunt their thoughts and dreams because you are absolutely the fattest, most grotesque, human being they have ever laid their pathetic, miserable, godforsaken eyes on (hell truly is for children). They then go running down the detergent aisle, or possibly the aisle where they keep the sharp pointy (oh no, not this point shit again) lawn tools, looking for something to blind themselves with, while screaming "DO YOU KNOW THE MARSHMALLOW MAN WHO LIVES ON STAY PUFT LANE." I've seen it a hundred times
I know it sounds like I'm not a big fan of the Weight Watchers point system. I really don't have any major problems with it though. Well, except for one. There are certain foods that you eat that are somehow worth zero points. Now, to me, that is appetilogically impossible. Yes, I just made up the word appetilogically (just know that the root word of it is appetite and you'll understand where I'm coming from). How can something that you eat be worth zero points? To me, that is psychologically unsatisfying. If you're ingesting something, it has to be worth something. The argument I always have with family that follow the program is over cabbage soup. It's supposedly worth zero points. To them I always say, "You mean to tell me that you could eat an oil drum full of cabbage soup and it's still worth zero points?" How is that possible? Inquiring minds want to know.
So, if everything you eat has to be worth something, what is the solution then? One word. Fractions. I don't mind if you have to make food worth a fraction of a point. If you're getting some sort of sustenance from it, it has to be worth something. And I also don't care if the food takes more calories to digest than it has in it. Make it worth a negative fraction of a point then. In my book, the only time it's possible to be consuming something worth zero points is when you're breathing air. Other than that, make whatever it is that you're eating worth something.
I know what you're thinking. Why unnecessarily complicate things by introducing fractions into the Weight Watchers system? Well, I'll tell you why. Fractions are numbers too, god damn it. They have just as much right to be included in the system as any whole number. It's bad enough that the numerator and denominator are separated with a divider, like some sort of mathematical Jewish Star of David. Now you're telling me that they can't be included in a simple weight loss program? I'd like to know your stance on mixed numbers, good sir. I'd like to know it very much. You're probably the type of person who believes that the whole numbers will never fully embrace mixed numbers because they are not truly whole and the fractions will never really embrace mixed numbers either because they are not fractured enough. Well, let me tell you something, mister. This is the 21st century we're living in. We no longer live in a world were a number is judged by how it looks, but by the content of its character. I have a dream....
On a more serious note, if you really have a problem with introducing fractions into the Weight Watchers system, I have a simple solution for you then. Keep it simple. Everything that is currently worth zero points is worth 1/10 of a point. Everyone can count to ten, right? Let me give you an example to help you understand. Let's say that, on a given day, you eat 32 whole points worth of food and three items worth 1/10 of a point. In order to get your total, you simply add on .3 of a point to the end of your 32 points to give you 32.3 points for the day. Isn't that a much more appetilogically pleasing number than a simple 32 points? Well, it is to me. That fraction of a point gives a man character and puts hair on one's balls. Besides, I just cannot stand zeroes. They give me flashbacks to my days as a World War II fighter pilot.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my take on the Weight Watchers system. It wasn't always easy to follow, I'm sure, but at least you tried. Until next time, you stay classy, Detroit.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Things I Can't Stand: Weather Forecasters
As I sit here waiting for Snowgasm 2011 to unload its white wintry goodness all over me, I thought it would be as good a time as any to talk about a thing I can't stand (or TICS, for short). What else would you expect me to do? Go outside and make a snow devil? Well, maybe later. Anyway, the thing I'm going to talk about today is weather forecasters, better known as meteorologists. You shouldn't call them meteorologists though. Read on to find out why (and more).
First off, I have a problem with calling them meteorologists. It's basically just a self important title the weather forecaster on TV gives himself to feel like some sort of hot shot scientist. In reality though, all the real scientists laugh at weather forecasters. The weather forecasting profession is the red headed stepchild of the scientific community. They aren't real scientists. They are more like meteorological soothsayers, predicting the weather through a Doppler powered crystal ball (that actually sounds pretty cool, but it's not!). Real scientists are out there working on a cure for AIDs or discovering the potential applications of stem cell research. Weather forecasters, on the other hand, are looking at their Doppler radar while banging the chick that does traffic. Is that what you would call science? If so, sign me up!
Anyway, weather forecasters don't deserve such a distinguished sounding title. They deserve a title that has very little dignity and that is much more in line with the actual job they do. It's kind of like how some strippers would like to be referred to as exotic dancers. Sure, exotic dancer sounds a lot more distinguished and dignified (and what stripper doesn't have her dignity?), but that title doesn't get down into the core of what the person actually does. And that's why you should refer to "meteorologists" as weather forecasters. They forecast the weather and nothing more (besides banging the bejesus out of the traffic chick, of course).
Except a weather forecaster rarely ever forecasts the weather correctly. At least when a stripper strips, she doesn't mistakenly put on a burka and start chanting from the Koran (unless that's part of her act, which would be hot!). Here's a quotation from Patrick Young that illustrates my point:
Go ahead and name me another profession where you can get it wrong as often as a weather forecaster and still keep your job. There aren't many, if any, out there. Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that the stripper you asked to give you a lap dance is unable to give you an erection. Do you think that stripper is going to keep her job for very long? No, she would soon be out on the street looking for a new way (read: prostitution) to earn money to buy formula for her newborn baby. And if that happened, could you live with yourself? Would you want to be responsible for something like that? Could you look at yourself in the mirror afterward? Is that something you would want weighing on your conscience for the rest of your life? No, it most certainly is not. So please. For the stripper's sake, and more importantly for her baby's sake, get a boner and tip her well. And I don't care if you're not into stretch marks. A child's life is at stake here.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, weather forecasters (I sometimes get distracted by strippers). Another thing that bothers me is the amount of useless information the weather forecaster gives you. Dew point? Barometric pressure? What the hell is barometric pressure and how, exactly, does it effect my life? Should I not take a shit today because the barometric pressure is negative 20 degrees Kelvin or however the fuck you measure it? Who gives a rat's ass what the barometric pressure is? Are you tired of me asking rhetorical questions yet? I really don't know what to do with that information, so please, spare me. It's useless and pointless and has absolutely no bearing on my day.
Also, why tell me if it's partly sunny or partly cloudy? Aren't they the exact same thing anyway? Doesn't it just amount to the "is the glass half full or half empty" argument? Is the sky half full or half empty today? That's something I can determine for myself, by looking out the window, you jackass weather forecaster. If I'm having a good day, it'll be partly sunny. And if I'm having a bad day, it'll be partly cloudy. Or maybe the other way around, depending on how you look at it, I guess (did I just blow your mind?). Anyway, if it is partly cloudy or whatever you want to call it, I just want the percentage chance for rain, Mr. Weather Forecaster. And if you're wrong about the rain, I want you to do me a favor. You so owe me one for the number of times you've been wrong in the past. I want you to call your wife, or gay lover, whichever way the wind blows for you (a little weather humor for you there). I want you to promise her/him six to seven inches when you get home tonight. And then, when you get there, only give her/him the three to four you really have. Your wife/gay lover will then know 1/10 of the disappointment I feel every single time you tell me it's going to rain, I cancel my plans, and then it doesn't rain (or you tell me it's not going to rain, and then it does).
Finally, I'm going to talk about temperature and how it relates to the humidity and wind chill factor. I know you've all been waiting to hear about this (end sarcasm). What the weather forecasters do is they tell you the temperature first before they actually tell you what it feels like outside. You see, they give you the temperature first and then they either factor in the humidity in the summer or the wind chill in the winter. Once they factor in those respective measurements during the applicable time of year, it then tells you what it actually feels like outside. So here's the thing. Why tell me what the temperature is first then? If you're ultimately going to tell me what it actually feels like outside, just skip the part about the temperature. It's just senseless information that adds unnecessary confusion. I couldn't give two shits what the temperature would be outside if conditions were perfect. If you're telling me what it feels like outside after you factor in the humidity or wind chill, you're telling me that the conditions aren't perfect. And since the conditions aren't perfect, just take the temperature and then factor in the proper measurement to give me what it actually feels like outside. That's all I need to know. That's the only reading I really care about. What it actually FEELS like outside.
And that's something that really TICS me off about weather forecasters. Did you see what I did there? TICS...because this is Things I Can't Stand.
First off, I have a problem with calling them meteorologists. It's basically just a self important title the weather forecaster on TV gives himself to feel like some sort of hot shot scientist. In reality though, all the real scientists laugh at weather forecasters. The weather forecasting profession is the red headed stepchild of the scientific community. They aren't real scientists. They are more like meteorological soothsayers, predicting the weather through a Doppler powered crystal ball (that actually sounds pretty cool, but it's not!). Real scientists are out there working on a cure for AIDs or discovering the potential applications of stem cell research. Weather forecasters, on the other hand, are looking at their Doppler radar while banging the chick that does traffic. Is that what you would call science? If so, sign me up!
Anyway, weather forecasters don't deserve such a distinguished sounding title. They deserve a title that has very little dignity and that is much more in line with the actual job they do. It's kind of like how some strippers would like to be referred to as exotic dancers. Sure, exotic dancer sounds a lot more distinguished and dignified (and what stripper doesn't have her dignity?), but that title doesn't get down into the core of what the person actually does. And that's why you should refer to "meteorologists" as weather forecasters. They forecast the weather and nothing more (besides banging the bejesus out of the traffic chick, of course).
Except a weather forecaster rarely ever forecasts the weather correctly. At least when a stripper strips, she doesn't mistakenly put on a burka and start chanting from the Koran (unless that's part of her act, which would be hot!). Here's a quotation from Patrick Young that illustrates my point:
The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
Go ahead and name me another profession where you can get it wrong as often as a weather forecaster and still keep your job. There aren't many, if any, out there. Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that the stripper you asked to give you a lap dance is unable to give you an erection. Do you think that stripper is going to keep her job for very long? No, she would soon be out on the street looking for a new way (read: prostitution) to earn money to buy formula for her newborn baby. And if that happened, could you live with yourself? Would you want to be responsible for something like that? Could you look at yourself in the mirror afterward? Is that something you would want weighing on your conscience for the rest of your life? No, it most certainly is not. So please. For the stripper's sake, and more importantly for her baby's sake, get a boner and tip her well. And I don't care if you're not into stretch marks. A child's life is at stake here.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, weather forecasters (I sometimes get distracted by strippers). Another thing that bothers me is the amount of useless information the weather forecaster gives you. Dew point? Barometric pressure? What the hell is barometric pressure and how, exactly, does it effect my life? Should I not take a shit today because the barometric pressure is negative 20 degrees Kelvin or however the fuck you measure it? Who gives a rat's ass what the barometric pressure is? Are you tired of me asking rhetorical questions yet? I really don't know what to do with that information, so please, spare me. It's useless and pointless and has absolutely no bearing on my day.
Also, why tell me if it's partly sunny or partly cloudy? Aren't they the exact same thing anyway? Doesn't it just amount to the "is the glass half full or half empty" argument? Is the sky half full or half empty today? That's something I can determine for myself, by looking out the window, you jackass weather forecaster. If I'm having a good day, it'll be partly sunny. And if I'm having a bad day, it'll be partly cloudy. Or maybe the other way around, depending on how you look at it, I guess (did I just blow your mind?). Anyway, if it is partly cloudy or whatever you want to call it, I just want the percentage chance for rain, Mr. Weather Forecaster. And if you're wrong about the rain, I want you to do me a favor. You so owe me one for the number of times you've been wrong in the past. I want you to call your wife, or gay lover, whichever way the wind blows for you (a little weather humor for you there). I want you to promise her/him six to seven inches when you get home tonight. And then, when you get there, only give her/him the three to four you really have. Your wife/gay lover will then know 1/10 of the disappointment I feel every single time you tell me it's going to rain, I cancel my plans, and then it doesn't rain (or you tell me it's not going to rain, and then it does).
Finally, I'm going to talk about temperature and how it relates to the humidity and wind chill factor. I know you've all been waiting to hear about this (end sarcasm). What the weather forecasters do is they tell you the temperature first before they actually tell you what it feels like outside. You see, they give you the temperature first and then they either factor in the humidity in the summer or the wind chill in the winter. Once they factor in those respective measurements during the applicable time of year, it then tells you what it actually feels like outside. So here's the thing. Why tell me what the temperature is first then? If you're ultimately going to tell me what it actually feels like outside, just skip the part about the temperature. It's just senseless information that adds unnecessary confusion. I couldn't give two shits what the temperature would be outside if conditions were perfect. If you're telling me what it feels like outside after you factor in the humidity or wind chill, you're telling me that the conditions aren't perfect. And since the conditions aren't perfect, just take the temperature and then factor in the proper measurement to give me what it actually feels like outside. That's all I need to know. That's the only reading I really care about. What it actually FEELS like outside.
And that's something that really TICS me off about weather forecasters. Did you see what I did there? TICS...because this is Things I Can't Stand.
*crickets*Thank you...I'll be here all week. Be sure to try the veal and don't forget to tip your stripper!
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