The Matt Millen Drinking Game

If you're like me, you can't stand former Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen. His ineptitude as a general manager was second to none and won't soon be matched. He will go down as one of the worst General Managers of all-time, with a sparkling eight year record of 31-97 (wins-losses) during his reign of terror. He single-handedly set the organization back at least ten years, maybe more. When he wasn't drafting wide receivers, he was calling a wide receiver (Johnny Morton) a fag. And when the media wanted to talk to him after he was fired, to hold him accountable for an epic failure as big as Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino combined, he was no where to be found.

Fast forward to a few months after he was fired. He is on television again, doing commentary for NBC during the Super Bowl. After running the Detroit Lions into the ground, seemingly losing any creditability he once had, he's somehow back on TV again. Even after making $50 million dollars from the Lions, $50 million fucking dollars, an amount of money anyone could happily retire on, he has the audacity to appear on TV again. He took the Lions to the cleaners, laughing all the way to the bank and all that jazz, and that was all well and good, we were happy to be rid of him forever.

But no, Matt Millen is like that relative who comes to visit you that you have a hard time getting rid of. Better yet, he's like herpes. He keeps coming back, no matter what you do. No matter how much cream or lotion you put on Matt Millen, no matter how dry or clean you keep him, he just keeps coming back. Fast forward again to this football season. He's on not one, not two, but three networks. He does color commentary, for college games no less, on Saturday for ABC. He does pre-game/half-time/post-game coverage on Monday Night Football for ESPN (and he's probably on ESPN otherwise). And now, with Thursday night games in the mix, he's on the NFL network doing color commentary for those games.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what does any of this have to do with a Matt Millen drinking game? Well, I'm going to tell you. Since he is on three different times during the week, and since I watch a lot of football, I have been able to pick up on a few of his tendencies.

These are by no means comprehensive, so feel free to add your own wrinkles to the game. And please feel free to modify the game in any way you wish. I don't drink, and I've never played a drinking game, so I'm not entirely sure how they work. I think I know enough, however, to give you my version of the Matt Millen drinking game. So without further stalling for time, I present to you:

The Matt Millen Drinking Game

• Take a drink anytime he draws on the screen during the actual game. Note: Don't drink if this happens during a replay (you'd be really drunk if you drink on the replays too, so feel free to add that, if you think you can handle it).
• Take a drink anytime he mentions Penn State
• Take another drink if he is referring to a player from Penn State or his old playing days at Penn State (this has the potential for disaster if he's calling a Penn State game, so use your best judgment)
• Take a drink anytime he evaluates or compliments a player (take another if it's a wide receiver)
• Take another drink if you don't agree with his evaluation or compliment (this will probably happen a lot, so use your best judgment here too)
• Take a drink anytime he makes an obvious mistake on a rule or on a call by the officials (take another if it happens during a challenge or a booth review)
• Take a drink anytime he compliments the officials, (take another if he uses the phrase "that's good officiating")
• Take a drink anytime he says "that's good football" or something to that effect
• Take a drink anytime he says "a hat on a hat" (take another if he says it while telestrating a play)
• Take a drink anytime he makes a bad joke or tries to be funny (this will most definitely happen a lot, so use your best judgment again)
• Take another drink if his TV partner laughs awkwardly at his attempt at humor

Well, that's all I have for now. I will continue to watch him, even though I can't stand him, to try to pick up on any more tendencies that I can. I hope that you liked my drinking game and that it makes Matt Millen more bearable to watch. If it doesn't, hey, at least you're drunk. And that's what's important, right?

The Damn Yankees

I was going to do a post today about a Matt Millen drinking game that I came up with, but something major happened today. That something major is the trade of my favorite Detroit Tiger, Curtis Granderson, to my least favorite team in all of sports, the New York fucking Yankees.

Call me old fashioned, but I love the idea of a team drafting a player, developing that player's skills in the minors (if he needs it), and then when he finally gets to the big club, he is a good/great player and spends his whole career with the team that drafted him. The Red Wings did this with Steve Yzerman. The Pistons did this with Joe Dumars and Isiah Thomas. The Tigers did this with Al Kaline. And the Tigers had the chance to do this again with Curtis Granderson, but failed epically by trading him to the Yankees today.

Now, Granderson isn't as great a player as the ones mentioned above, but he is a good player. Add to it the fact that he's an even better person, and you have the makings of a guy that could have been a Detroit sports icon. A guy that Detroit sports fans could have idolized for all-time, especially if he won a championship. After what transpired today, however, that chance is, as Ernie Harwell would say, loooooong gone.

And who do we have to thank for this? The answer is, of course, the Detroit Tigers' General Manager, Dave Dombrowski. The guy who made bad signing after bad signing, a trade that should never have been made, and an option that should never have been picked up. So, thanks for signing Dontrelle Willis to that contract extension ($29 million, 3 years), despite the fact that he showed signs of decline in Florida. I can't wait to hop on the D-Train next year, Dave (toot toot). And thanks for resigning Nate Robertson ($21.25 million, 3 years) to a contract he totally deserved, Dave. I hope you're ready for gum time because I know I am (end sarcasm). Oh, and thanks for trading for an old and busted Gary Sheffield, and then extending him two more years (for a grand total of over 38 million, 3 years). And to top it off, you should have let go of Magglio Ordonez earlier in the year, instead of keeping him on the team, which kicked in his $18 million option for next year. That playoff run this year was so worth it. Oh wait, that's right, you didn't make the playoffs this year. And don't even get me started on Brandon Inge and Carlos Guillen (they, I will admit, are the least of the Tigers' problems, but that's not saying much).

It just makes me nauseous to think of Curtis Granderson in Yankee pinstripes. I am literally sick to my stomach right now. But I'll remain a Tigers fan, despite all of this, because I'm a sick individual who loves everything about Detroit. I even love the Lions, as bad as that is.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope I can get to sleep tonight, after writing this, but I think I'm going to have trouble. I'm so fired up right now. You stay classy, San Diego.

Blue Eyed Peas

There used to be a show called "Kids Say the Darndest Things," hosted by one of my heroes, Bill Cosby. Well, I think I have an idea for a new show: "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." Now, I'm not talking about high school or college seniors. I'm talking about older people, age 60 or older. Let me present to you some of the gems my grandma has said to me over the past couple years.

The one I'm going to start off with will explain the title of this post. So, I guess the Black Eyed Peas performed on some television show last week. I think it was the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show, but my grandma said that wasn't it, but whatever. My grandma tuned in to whatever show it was, expecting the Black Eyed Peas to be something they weren't. She thought that she was tuning in to a performance of the Blue Man Group. You know, the earless and hairless guys painted blue, who bang on drums and do whatever the hell else they do (Here's a Google search if you don't know what I'm talking about). She had no idea what was going on, and she told me that she kept thinking, "but they are black, not blue." I laughed hysterically at this and explained her mistake. I can only imagine what she was thinking as she watched the performance. Oh, and I also told her that I thought only two of the Black Eyed Peas are black (I'm not sure myself, I don't care for their music).

The word black provides a nice segue into my next segment of "Seniors Say the Darndest Things." You know how Taco Bell used to have those Black Jack Tacos? I say used to because the one I go to doesn't have them anymore, but I'm not sure if that's true of all Taco Bell's. In any event, Taco Bell ran commercials offering a free Black Taco as a promotion during Halloween this year. So I said to my grandma, "You should try one, you love tacos." She replied, "but what if the person I'm ordering it from is black, I wouldn't know how to order it." I responded, "as long as you don't call it a nigger taco, you'll be fine" (and I used the N-word, please forgive me). She decided to try it after that, and she loved them, but I guess they took them off the menu for whatever reason.

And now for something completely different. My grandma wanted to see this movie, but she didn't know the name of it. So she came to me and asked me if I could find out what it was. The only thing that she could tell me was that it was about Australia and that Jack Blackman was in it. "You mean Hugh Jackman?" I said. She wasn't sure, so I look up Hugh Jackman on The Internet Movie Database. And what's the first movie I see listed under his name? You guessed it, Australia (it was the first movie listed at the time). She so reminded me of Homer Simpson at that point. Remember when he couldn't think of the title when describing the movie Speed? Here's his quote: "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" Go on and tell me that doesn't sound similar to what my grandma said!

Well, there are a few more, but that's all I have time for tonight. Maybe I'll type some more another time. And I know that it sort of sounds like I'm making fun of my grandma, but I'm not. I love her to death. She is one of the few people that can make me laugh on a consistent basis. She even says to me that she's glad she can bring so much joy into my life by saying and doing these things. She won't be around forever, but the memories she has given me will last for as long as I live.