It's Great to Be A Michigan Wolverine

As if missing two straight bowl games, after going to a bowl game for 33 straight years, wasn't enough (the last year Michigan missed a bowl game was in 1975). As if two straight losing seasons, with a combined record of 5-16, wasn't enough (after 40 straight winning seasons, if you ignore the 6-6 record of 1984). As if finishing tied for 9th and 10th in the conference the past two years, with a combined conference record of 3-13, wasn't enough (the last time Michigan finished lower than 3rd in the Big Ten was 1996, when they placed tied for 5th). As if going 1-5 against your three biggest rivals, Notre Dame, Michigan State and Ohio State, the past two seasons wasn't enough. And as if an embarrassing loss to a MAC team, and not even a decent MAC team, wasn't enough. As if all these things weren't enough for a Michigan fan to endure.

Well, prepare yourself for what I'm about to say because I'm about to drop a bombshell on you. I must warn you though, before I continue. If you have a heart condition, you might not want to read on. If there are any small children of reading age, please ask them to leave the room. If you have an erection lasting for more than 4 hours, call your doc--wait, disregard that one. If you scare easily, or suffer from motion sickness, you might not have the strength to read what I'm about to tell you. If you're clinically depressed, or have ever had thoughts of suicide, you may not be able to continue on after you read this information. What I'm about to tell you will turn your world upside down and blow your mind on so many levels. You have been warned.

It is with a heavy heart that I must report that the last known wild wolverine in Michigan has died recently. I know that this is tough to take, especially considering what the state of Michigan has been through these past few years, but let me put your mind at ease, my dear weasel lovers. Apparently, wolverines actually left the state of Michigan a long time ago (but not in a galaxy far far away) . In fact, the last confirmed sighting of a wolverine in Michigan was in the late 1700s and early 1800s, about 200 years ago. If you're wondering how Michigan became "The Wolverine State," and why the University of Michigan picked the animal as their mascot, the above Detroit Free Press article has a theory.

Here's one theory with some historical heft: When George Armstrong Custer led the Michigan Brigade into battle during the Civil War, he called his troops wolverines.

I have no idea whether or not this is true. If you would have asked me yesterday if there were any wild wolverines in the state of Michigan, I would have told you, "Of course, why else would we be known as 'The Wolverine State'?" What the hell do I know though, am I right? What this makes me realize, however, is how I can never assume something as being true. I assumed that there were wild wolverines in the state of Michigan. I never questioned it, not even for a minute. I just took it as a fact and never thought about looking into it further. I am glad to have this reminder, because it makes me realize how little I really know, and how I can continue to learn everyday.

Well, I hope you liked my post about the current status of the majestic Michigan wolverine. If you made it this far, you receive 10 internets and a copy of our home game. Enjoy!

Lindsay Lohan sues E-Trade

I know I'm a little late on this, but here's my two cents anyway.

Apparently, Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over the use of her first name in one of the E-Trade Super Bowl commercials. The amount she's suing for, you ask? 100 million dollars *makes a fist, extends his pinkie and puts it to his lips*. Her lawyer claims that her first name is a recognizable reference to her, just like Oprah or Madonna. Her lawyer also claims that "Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan."

I know that when people say everybody, or nobody, they don't really mean everybody (or nobody), but I never associated "that milkaholic Lindsay" in the commercial with Lindsay Lohan. Not even for a second. I didn't even make the association until this traveshamockery of a lawsuit was announced last week. And I highly doubt I'm alone on this. For Lindsay Lohan to even have a case, she would have to prove that the majority of people who have seen the ad associate "that milkaholic Lindsay" with her. How she'll do that, I have no idea. It sounds like a frivolous lawsuit to me.

What's next? Paris Hilton suing Hall and Oates over the song "Rich Girl." I think she might have a case. Let's examine the lyrics, shall we?

You're a rich girl, and you've gone too far
'Cause you know it don't matter anyway
You can rely on the old man's money
You can rely on the old man's money
It's a bitch girl but it's gone too far
'Cause you know it don't matter anyway
Say money but it won't get you too far
Get you too far

Paris Hilton is a rich girl, and she's gone too far, because she knows it doesn't matter anyway. She can rely on her old man's money, she can rely on her old man's money. It's a bitch girl, but it's gone too far, because she knows it doesn't matter anyway. Say money, but it won't get her too far, get her too far.

And don't you know, don't you know
That it's wrong to take what is given you
So far gone, on your own
You can get along if you try to be strong
But you'll never be strong

She doesn't know, doesn't know, that it's wrong to take what is given to her. She's so far gone, on her own. She can get along, if she tries to be strong, but she'll never be strong.

High and dry, out of the rain
It's so easy to hurt others when you can't feel pain
And don't you know that a love can't grow
'Cause there's too much to give, 'cause you'd rather live
For the thrill of it all, oh

She's high and dry, out of the rain. And it's so easy for her to hurt others when she can't feel pain. She doesn't know that a love can't grow, because there's too much to give and she would rather live for the thrill of it all. Ohhhh....

Nevermind that this song was released in 1977. And nevermind that Paris Hilton was born in 1981, four years after the song's release. I think Miss Hilton has a case here, am I right?

My advice to Lindsay Lohan? It's a bitch girl, but it's gone too far, because you know it doesn't matter anyway. Say money, but it won't get you too far, get you too far. Translation: Drop the damn lawsuit, it's gone too far, and you know it won't matter anyway. You can ask for 100 million dollars, but it won't get you too far because you will lose and be a bigger laughingstock than you already are.

Well, that's all I've got to say about that. You stay classy, San Diego.

Daylight Saving Time

When I was younger, someone told me that the reason we do Daylight Saving Time is for the farmers. As I've gotten older though, I've come to realize that that makes no sense at all. Why the hell would it matter to the farmers? It's not like it magically adds an hour of daylight everyday. It just moves the time daylight happens during the duration of Daylight Saving Time. Instead of the sun rising at 6 AM and setting at 6 PM, it just moves it to 7 AM and 7 PM. The farmers are probably pissed, if anything. It's an unnecessary shift to them (as well as to me).

Daylight Saving Time needs to die in a fire. Seriously. I don't care how much energy it conserves (allegedly). I don't care if it makes my whites whiter and my brights brighter (I have OxiClean for that anyway). And I don't care if it services me orally everyday between now and when we fall back in November (don't ask me how this would work, use your imagination if you must). I even don't care if it cures cancer and feeds all the hungry children in Africa (Error: the hyperbolic quota for this post has been exceeded). I don't care about any of this, it just needs to go.

I might be being selfish here, but it screws me up for weeks. Instead of going to bed around half past midnight tonight, I'll be going to bed around 1:30 AM. And instead of waking up at 9 AM tomorrow, I'll be waking up at 10 AM. And instead of writing this post today at 9:30 PM, I'm writing it at 10:30 PM. All this time travel is causing me to see some serious shit, and I'm not even going the requisite 88 miles per hour. The name Daylight Saving Time should be changed to Daylight Screwup Ken's Internal Clock and Cause Him Weeks Worth of Anguish Time. Well, maybe not. DSKICCHWWAT is too long of an acronym to remember.

In closing, the power of love is a curious thing. It makes one man weep, and makes another man sing. It can change a hawk to a little white dove. It's more than a feeling, that's the power of love. It's tougher than diamonds, and rich like cream. It's stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. It makes a bad one good, and makes a wrong one right. It's the power of love that keeps you home at night. And you don't need money, and it doesn't take fame. You don't need a credit card to ride this train. It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes, but it might just save your life. That's the power of love.

The Future of the Blog

Well, I'm going to try something new. Instead of writing long-winded posts a few times a month, I'm going to try to write shorter posts more frequently. I have no idea if this will make me post more, but I hope so. There are times that I want to post, and sometimes I even start to post, but then it becomes so overwhelming that I just stop and delete whatever I wrote. I'll probably still have a few longer posts here and there though. I'm just going to try to make my posts shorter and more frequent (that's what she said?). The plan is to do something similar to how I broke up my posts about how to improve the NHL. There will be multiple posts about the same topic, instead of one long diatribe that readers probably stop reading halfway through. I think that this will make it less overwhelming for me and less boring for you. That's the idea, anyway.

Another change that you won't notice, unless you check like every day, regards the dating of my posts. Most times, I don't have the motivation/time to post something around the day that it is still relevant. For example, let's say I want to write a post about Christmas. I don't have the time to do it on Christmas, but I really want to post something. So, I'll do it a week or two later, but I'll date the post December 25th, even though I really wrote and posted it on January 5th. My logic is that, instead of not posting anything at all, I'll be motivated to post something eventually if I can save it for a later date. To solve my OCD problem of writing posts around relevant dates, I'm just going to change the date of the post to match some sort of relevancy. I'm going to try to be within a couple weeks of the date on the post though, so it's not like I'm going to go back to April 1912 and predict the sinking of the Titanic. I promise to use my powers for good, and only as a way to allow me to post more.

Not that any of this matters much to the handful of people who read this blog, I just thought I'd let you know the plan and logic behind it.

Happy Birthdays!

And on the 69th day, God said, "Let there be Chuck." And there was Chuck, and he was good.

Happy Birthday to one of my many heroes, Chuck Norris. Oh, and also my good friend, Ryan Smith. No, not the hockey player with a similar name (Ryan Smyth). Chuck turned 70 today, and Ryan turned 26.

I know you two weren't technically born on the 69th day of the year, because your births occurred in leap years. Your birthday occurs on the 69th day of the year 75% of the time though, and that's good enough for me to overlook the above fact. So Happy 69th Day of the Year to everyone and Happy Birthday to Chuck and Ryan!

How to Improve the NHL (part 2)

When we last left the subject of improving NHL hockey, we were talking about marketing. But how can the NHL market itself when it's not on a proper television network? The next solution addresses this. If the NHL insists on being in markets it doesn't belong in, it needs to be back on ESPN. The coverage on the network formerly known as the Outdoor Life Network (OLN), now known as Versus, isn't bad (it isn't great, but it isn't bad). The problem is that not all homes have Versus. Last time I heard, a local cable provider here, called Wide Open West, didn't have Versus. Now, that may have changed by now, but the fact still remains that not all homes have Versus. I know for a fact that people who have Direct TV do not have Versus. And don't even get me started on NBC. I don't have a major problem with their coverage of the NHL either, but the fact that they showed so few Olympic hockey games bothered me. I mean, I understand that figure skating is probably more popular to the average person (read: women) than hockey, but to not show a game that you have broadcasting rights to is despicable. The NHL needs to be back on ABC and ESPN. And I don't care if the games are on ESPN2, at least then you would see more than just a brief series of hockey highlights on SportsCenter before they moved on to a highlight of a basketball dunk you've seen a million times before.

And finally, the last solution also concerns how the game is broadcast. More specifically, the advertisements during the game. The same technology that brings you the first down line in football has brought digital advertising (also known as virtual advertising) during NHL games. If you're not in the Detroit market, and even if you are, you might not know what I'm talking about. As recently as a few weeks ago, during a Red Wings game, there were advertisements on the glass behind the goalie nets. I also vaguely remember hearing about this a couple of years ago too, but not for certain. I don't know how many other hockey markets have tried this, but I know this has been done in Major League Baseball. In any event, these ads need to remain and be league-wide. I know, I know, Ken said that he didn't like the fact that the NHL was becoming more corporate (and I don't). Some things though, you just can't fight. There was a time, I'm not old enough to remember it, that there were no advertisements along the boards. I'm sure people were up in arms over it then, just like some people are up in arms over the virtual advertising now. Nowadays, you don't even really notice the advertisements along the boards. In time, the same will be true for the virtual advertisements. And who knows, maybe there will be a little give back to the fans. Maybe there will be less commercial breaks, which will allow the hockey game to flow more smoothly. A man can dream, am I right?

Well, those are all the solutions I have for now. I know they are far from perfect, some of them aren't entirely realistic, and none of them are my ideas alone. I just want what I think is best for the game though because I truly think that it's one of the best games on Earth.

To recap (TL;DR version):

• Eliminate six teams from the league (less teams means more talent to go around)
• Get rid of commissioner Gary Bettman (he's bad for the game)
• Market more superstars (not just Sidney Crosby)
• Get the NHL back on ABC/ESPN (instead of one no one can find or one that doesn't seem to care)
• Keep digital/virtual advertisements (maybe this will lead to less commercials and more flow to the game)
  

How to Improve the NHL (part 1)

The result of the gold medal game notwithstanding, Olympic hockey was truly great. I didn't get to see as many games as I would have liked, mostly because NBC didn't air them on any of their networks, but the few that I did see were great. The pace seemed quicker than NHL hockey, there was more flow to the game, and the larger ice surface allowed more skill to be shown (A friend pointed out to me that they played at the Vancouver Canucks arena. I even mentioned that to my grandma and uncle when they asked why the crowd cheered Kesler during the medal ceremony. Not that that's an excuse, I just don't know what I was thinking here). Sure, there were a few things that I didn't like, such as the automatic icing and the lack of physical play. For the most part though, I enjoyed Olympic hockey more than some random NHL game (here in Detroit, we're spoiled because the Red Wings play a highly skilled puck possession game). So, what can the NHL do to make its hockey better? Read on to find out.

The first solution to improve the NHL is to eliminate six teams. Which six teams you ask? Well, Pittsburgh for one because I can't stand "Cindy" Crosby. Just kidding, although he is a douche bag extraordinaire. The six teams that I would eliminate are as follows: Phoenix Coyotes, Florida Panthers, Atlanta Thrashers, Nashville Predators, Tampa Bay Lightning, Carolina Hurricanes (in that order). The one I feel worst about is the Carolina Hurricanes. I think there is some potential there. They have had some success, aren't too far south, and are near the east coast. If it makes you feel any better, swap Carolina for one of the California teams (California does not need teams in San Jose, L.A. and Anaheim). With less teams in the league, there would be more talent to go around to the remaining 24 teams. And more talent means better hockey.

I know this will never happen, partly because the players union wouldn't like the idea of less jobs for the players. The other part of the equation is commissioner Gary Bettman, which brings me to the next solution. The NHL needs to be rid of Bettman. In my opinion, he is bad for hockey. He has been the commissioner for two work stoppages (in 1994-95 and 2004-05). He has expanded the NHL into markets it just doesn't belong (Nashville, Atlanta). He has stood by and allowed multiple teams to relocate (Phoenix and Carolina being the most egregious). And why has he done this? I don't know for sure, but it seems he is trying to make the NHL more corporate. He seems to be trying to make the NHL like the NBA, which isn't surprising, considering he's a disciple of David Stern.

And you can clearly tell that he comes from the NBA by the way he markets the NHL. In the NBA, it's all about the superstars (Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, etc.). In the NHL, this seems to translate into Sidney Crosby, Sidney Crosby and Sidney Crosby. If you can't tell, I'm sick of Sidney Crosby. The next solution involves the marketing of the NHL. It needs to be done better. I know it sounds ambiguous because better can mean a lot of things. And I know this isn't the perfect solution, but I'm tired of the marketing trying to appeal to a non-hockey viewer. I understand that the NHL doesn't need to market anything to me. They already have me watching the game. I get that they are trying to attract the people who don't normally watch hockey. I understand that totally. But really, when your marketing turns off a fan you already have, there is a problem with it. There has to be some sort of middle ground we can agree upon. Market the superstars, sure, but don't make it mainly about just one guy. There are a number of other players that are comparable to Crosby (Ovechkin, Datsyuk, Zetterburg, Kovalchuk, Gaborik, etc.) And I don't care if they can't speak good English (some NBA players are guilty of this). Let their game speak for itself.

I'm going to have to break this into two parts because this is all I have time for tonight. Please check back later in the week for part two of the ways to improve the NHL.