First off, I have a problem with calling them meteorologists. It's basically just a self important title the weather forecaster on TV gives himself to feel like some sort of hot shot scientist. In reality though, all the real scientists laugh at weather forecasters. The weather forecasting profession is the red headed stepchild of the scientific community. They aren't real scientists. They are more like meteorological soothsayers, predicting the weather through a Doppler powered crystal ball (that actually sounds pretty cool, but it's not!). Real scientists are out there working on a cure for AIDs or discovering the potential applications of stem cell research. Weather forecasters, on the other hand, are looking at their Doppler radar while banging the chick that does traffic. Is that what you would call science? If so, sign me up!
Anyway, weather forecasters don't deserve such a distinguished sounding title. They deserve a title that has very little dignity and that is much more in line with the actual job they do. It's kind of like how some strippers would like to be referred to as exotic dancers. Sure, exotic dancer sounds a lot more distinguished and dignified (and what stripper doesn't have her dignity?), but that title doesn't get down into the core of what the person actually does. And that's why you should refer to "meteorologists" as weather forecasters. They forecast the weather and nothing more (besides banging the bejesus out of the traffic chick, of course).
Except a weather forecaster rarely ever forecasts the weather correctly. At least when a stripper strips, she doesn't mistakenly put on a burka and start chanting from the Koran (unless that's part of her act, which would be hot!). Here's a quotation from Patrick Young that illustrates my point:
The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
Go ahead and name me another profession where you can get it wrong as often as a weather forecaster and still keep your job. There aren't many, if any, out there. Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that the stripper you asked to give you a lap dance is unable to give you an erection. Do you think that stripper is going to keep her job for very long? No, she would soon be out on the street looking for a new way (read: prostitution) to earn money to buy formula for her newborn baby. And if that happened, could you live with yourself? Would you want to be responsible for something like that? Could you look at yourself in the mirror afterward? Is that something you would want weighing on your conscience for the rest of your life? No, it most certainly is not. So please. For the stripper's sake, and more importantly for her baby's sake, get a boner and tip her well. And I don't care if you're not into stretch marks. A child's life is at stake here.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, weather forecasters (I sometimes get distracted by strippers). Another thing that bothers me is the amount of useless information the weather forecaster gives you. Dew point? Barometric pressure? What the hell is barometric pressure and how, exactly, does it effect my life? Should I not take a shit today because the barometric pressure is negative 20 degrees Kelvin or however the fuck you measure it? Who gives a rat's ass what the barometric pressure is? Are you tired of me asking rhetorical questions yet? I really don't know what to do with that information, so please, spare me. It's useless and pointless and has absolutely no bearing on my day.
Also, why tell me if it's partly sunny or partly cloudy? Aren't they the exact same thing anyway? Doesn't it just amount to the "is the glass half full or half empty" argument? Is the sky half full or half empty today? That's something I can determine for myself, by looking out the window, you jackass weather forecaster. If I'm having a good day, it'll be partly sunny. And if I'm having a bad day, it'll be partly cloudy. Or maybe the other way around, depending on how you look at it, I guess (did I just blow your mind?). Anyway, if it is partly cloudy or whatever you want to call it, I just want the percentage chance for rain, Mr. Weather Forecaster. And if you're wrong about the rain, I want you to do me a favor. You so owe me one for the number of times you've been wrong in the past. I want you to call your wife, or gay lover, whichever way the wind blows for you (a little weather humor for you there). I want you to promise her/him six to seven inches when you get home tonight. And then, when you get there, only give her/him the three to four you really have. Your wife/gay lover will then know 1/10 of the disappointment I feel every single time you tell me it's going to rain, I cancel my plans, and then it doesn't rain (or you tell me it's not going to rain, and then it does).
Finally, I'm going to talk about temperature and how it relates to the humidity and wind chill factor. I know you've all been waiting to hear about this (end sarcasm). What the weather forecasters do is they tell you the temperature first before they actually tell you what it feels like outside. You see, they give you the temperature first and then they either factor in the humidity in the summer or the wind chill in the winter. Once they factor in those respective measurements during the applicable time of year, it then tells you what it actually feels like outside. So here's the thing. Why tell me what the temperature is first then? If you're ultimately going to tell me what it actually feels like outside, just skip the part about the temperature. It's just senseless information that adds unnecessary confusion. I couldn't give two shits what the temperature would be outside if conditions were perfect. If you're telling me what it feels like outside after you factor in the humidity or wind chill, you're telling me that the conditions aren't perfect. And since the conditions aren't perfect, just take the temperature and then factor in the proper measurement to give me what it actually feels like outside. That's all I need to know. That's the only reading I really care about. What it actually FEELS like outside.
And that's something that really TICS me off about weather forecasters. Did you see what I did there? TICS...because this is Things I Can't Stand.
*crickets*Thank you...I'll be here all week. Be sure to try the veal and don't forget to tip your stripper!
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