For starters, the number of days in each month is all over the place. Some months have 31 days, some have 30 days and one has 28 (and sometimes 29) days. How do you think February feels being the shortest month every year? I'll tell you how it feels. Like an Asian guy in the locker room at the gym. The months with 31 and 30 days, we'll call them the black and white months, laugh at the yellow month that is February. February feels inadequate and less of a month because it's always the shortest. So, how do we solve February's inferiority complex? Well, I'm glad you asked. What I want to do with the calendar can be summed up in one simple phrase.
Separate but Equal (well, almost)
In order to put the calendar in line with my vision, we must separate the months into 28 day segments. If we divide the number of days in a typical year, 365, by 28 days, we end up with 13 months and a remainder of 1 day. And since I'm not completely trying to reinvent the wheel here, the number of days in a year will remain the same, which means one month will have an additional day (or two, in the case of a leap year). Where do we put the extra day(s) though? Well, you could really pick any month for this, but I'm going to choose December. It's still the last month of the year in my calendar, and I feel that people need the extra time around the holidays.
I know what a lot of you out there in Internet land are thinking right now. What about this 13th mystery month and, more importantly, isn't 13 considered to be an unlucky number? Well, I've got you superstitious folks covered here. In order to combat the perceived unluckiness surrounding the number 13th, we'll call this month Lucky. And we'll even have a day during this month, on the 13th of course, called Lucky Day. Lucky Day will be a day where we celebrate all the good fortune we've had the previous year. It will be a day where even the most unluckiest person in the world can feel lucky. And, like any other made-up holiday, it will give stores a reason to have a sale. Lucky Day will boost the moral of the common man and also help stimulate the economy (it's really a win-win situation for everyone). I'm sure more details will flesh themselves out as the day reaches national prominence, but that's the basic idea behind it.
Okay, now that we've determined the name of the 13th month, and even given it a holiday, when does it occur during the year? Well, that depends on when you want to get lucky. Do you like it when you get lucky at the beginning, middle or end? Personally, I like to shove things in the middle, to make it tight and uncomfortable for everyone involved (wait, what?). With that in mind, I propose that we put the month of Lucky between June and July. To me, it's the most logical place for the month. It will make Lucky the seventh month of the year, and we all know that seven is the luckiest number ever. This will further wash away the unlucky stink of the new month and help people associate it with glittering unicorns, double rainbows and lucky charms cereal.
I know this new calendar will take some getting used to, especially when you consider that certain days will no longer exist anymore. I mean, what happens to people who were born on the 29th, 30th and 31st. When do they celebrate their birthdays now? And for that matter, since I'm adding a month and changing around the number of days in each month, what happens to all those other important days we celebrate throughout the year? I have two solutions to address this problem, but I'm not sure which one people will like more (or hate less). My gut instinct is to allow everyone who celebrates a special occasion on the 1st through the 28th to keep celebrating it on that day, even though you won't technically be celebrating it on the correct day (unless it occurs in January). You won't be too far off though, around a couple of weeks at most, with the majority being off by less than that. This doesn't address what to do with the people who have had their days eliminated though, and it isn't very fair to them either, so my other solution is to convert everyone's special occasion to the new corresponding day. This is fairer to everyone, and a lot less confusing in the long run, so it's the method I prefer. If you'd like to see when your birthday (or other important day) will occur under my new calendar system, please click on the corresponding months below:
Another advantage concerns the calendars you get or buy every year to keep track of your day to day activities. You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind with a picture above the layout of each month? Invariably, every year, your birth month ends up having one of the shittier pictures of the bunch. Well, under my system, you won't have to put up with shitty pictures any longer! Just pick your favorite picture, cross out the name of the month beneath it and write your birth month in its place. It's that simple. You'll have to do some finagling the rest of the year to complete the calendar, but it's a small price to pay for the picture you deserve.
I am of the opinion that we, as humans, need to get back to our primitive, animalistic roots. We need to start singing with all the voices of the mountain again. We need to get back to running the hidden pine trails of the forest. We need to hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon like we have in the past. In short, we need to relearn how to paint with all the colors of the wind. My calendar allows us to do just that because it more closely corresponds with the moon and the female menstrual cycle. According to my research (yes, I just went Magic School Bus on your ass), the moon and the female menstrual cycles are closely related. In fact, some women mirror the moon exactly, which takes 29.5 days (on average) to complete its cycle. With my calendar having twelve 28 day long months (and one month that is either 29 or 30 days), it is much more in tune with these cycles than the current Gregorian calendar. It allows us to go through a similar cycle each month, which brings us closer to the natural world. And if that doesn't seal the deal for you, I don't know what will.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading the endless ramblings on my calendar idea. I know it was a bit incoherent and confusing at times, but you are reading the Diary of a Motor City Madman after all. Until next time, you stay classy, Detroit.
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